I know it's hard for you.
I know you try but you can't possibly understand what it's like to have the weight of someone else hold you down and pull consent from your lips like the lyrics of their favorite song.

I sat in the shower until my skin itched and burned a smoldering red and the water ran cold because all I wanted was to feel CLEAN again.
I packed up everything I loved and drove hundreds of miles to feel SAFE again.
I will not lie to you...... both of those things have yet to happen.

And I know it's hard for you.
Because you are strong and people believe what you say.
You have never had to defend your innocence and purity.
You never had to defend what you were wearing. Even to bed.

So I understand what you mean when you tell me it gets better.
But YOU don't actually know this.
You don't know what it's like to wake up every night from the same nightmare.
Sweating and crying because for some reason yo think he's still there.
The weight of his body holding you down and drawing consent from your lips like his favorite song.

I know it's hard for you.
But have you ever considered that it's harder for me?

I imagine you're with me that you lye beside me
and going to bed isn't boring or lonely or inevitable
but warm and fulfilling.
I imagine I go to sleep with the knowledge that someone loves me.

It could be a pillow I hold close and burrow my face into as if I am gently kissing your neck, the heat of my own body could be yours beside me.

When you're lonely the mind can step up and over compensate.
When you're terribly lonely and unsure of the prospect of love ever happening,
you'll believe anything.