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Nathan Alexander Nov 2018
(“Lying... is my specialty.
But, truth be told, I’m actually kinda bad at it.

I’m also kind of bad at saying what I truly feel.

It’s kinda funny, actually...
My truest tales, always sound the most suspicous!”)

“Maybe it’s okay to be sour, once in a while.”

“Hey, up for a little talk?
Maybe it's okay to be sour, once in a while.
So, is it fine if I complain, just a tiny bit?

Got a tendency to hurt from little things.

Although I’m just a stupid,
Self harming person,

Do you mind if we walk and talk?

I’m bored, so, I’ll tell a story,
You’ll laugh,

I guarantee.”

Now, to our little tale,
It began in a strange land,
Oh, but, and this is strange,

It’d seem, as if it were like any place.

I’ve been hiding my “unique,”
And strange parts,
And pretended to be normal,

I kept worrying about it, constantly.

One day,
Since then, the minutes flew,

Since the day the monster spoke inside of me.

Dug deep, into my mind,
Then it took my heart,

And told me to “keep on lying!”

Since then, I’ve always been a liar,
And I’ve been tricking ever since.

There was no one I couldn't fool.

"For how long?
I actually have no clue."

Just a monster by now,
Can’t deny that it fits.
Nope,

Not a single person can see what sits behind.

Ah, sorry,
Don’t get worried,

You know I’m just a liar in the end.

Oh my, how underhanded!
I just keep decieving.

Even if I say that, heh,
This feeling is kind of uncanny...

Isn't it?

Where’s the trick,
Don’t have a clue?

Hope you don’t mind,
That I don’t mind,

Is it now scaring you too...?

As I lie,
And look the other way,

The lies just continue to pile!

Today, too,
I’ll be cryingly sneering at all the pieces,

In this game.

Go, could vanish any moment.
Meet a girl who'll disappear,

Like everyone.

Go more, could cry any moment,
A boy, who hides,

From the lies he hates so much.

Oh, yeah, pretty sure it’s that.
Stupid thoughts of an ideal life inside.

The beat,
Beating of my heart,

I already knew that long, long ago.

Sure, I know by now,
If my dreams simply came true,

No way I’d live all on my own, with nobody else.

“Just another lie?”
“No, no, I swear these feelings are true...”

My crumbling mind is filled with "no."

Oh my, howunderhanded!
Listen to this beating heart.

Hear all the greed,
The forgery,
My dreams of that ideal reality,

To the real me!

Go on,
Say it's lonely,
It won't even change a thing.

I'm always a surpriser,
Making jaws drop,

I'm so disgusted by myself,
That I can't help, but sneer.

Isn’t it crazy, just enough, to make you grin?

Oh,
My,
You’re just so underhanded!

Hate this.

You look surprised,
But this disgusting me...

Cannot be saved, alright?

Saying things like “No problem,”
Ah, you won't ever change.

Oh, I made a mistake once again,
The uncanny me,
Is stuck to this me,
Hating me until I die,

Drowning in the lies, until the end.

“Ah, I spoke a little too much, didn’t I?
But, that’s because this is just a made up story.
Well then, I’ll end it here.

The next time we talk,
When I might have an even stranger story,

Let’s have an even more wonderful conversation.”
I didn't know which one to go with, and it's 8 AM. Maybe I should sleep.
Nathan Alexander Nov 2018
(“Lying... is my specialty.
But, truth be told, I’m actually kinda bad at it.

I’m also kind of bad at saying what I truly feel.

It’s kinda funny, actually...
My truest tales, always sound the most suspicous!”)

“Maybe it’s okay to be sour, once in a while.”

“Hey, up for a little talk?
Maybe it's okay to be sour, once in a while.
So, is it fine if I complain, just a tiny bit?

Got a tendency to hurt from little things.

Although I’m just a stupid,
Self harming person,

Do you mind if we walk and talk?

I’m bored, so, I’ll tell a story,
You’ll laugh,

I guarantee.”

Now, to our little tale,
It began in a strange land,
Oh, but, and this is strange,

It’d seem, as if it were like any place.

I’ve been hiding my “unique,”
And strange parts,
And pretended to be normal,

I kept worrying about it, constantly.

One day,
Since then, the minutes flew,

Since the day the monster spoke inside of me.

Dug deep, into my mind,
Then it took my heart,

And told me to “keep on lying!”

Since then, I’ve always been a liar,
And I’ve been tricking ever since.

There was no one I couldn't fool.

"For how long?
I actually have no clue."

Just a monster by now,
Can’t deny that it fits.
Nope,

Not a single person can see what sits behind.

Ah, sorry,
Don’t get worried,

You know I’m just a liar in the end.

Oh my, how underhanded!
I just keep decieving.

Even if I say that, heh,
This feeling is kind of uncanny...

Isn't it?

Where’s the trick,
Don’t have a clue?

Hope you don’t mind,
That I don’t mind,

Is it now scaring you too...?

As I lie,
And look the other way,

The lies just continue to pile!

Today, too,
I’ll be cryingly sneering at all the pieces,

In this game.

Go, could vanish any moment.
Meet a girl who'll disappear,

Like everyone.

Go more, could cry any moment,
A boy, who hides,

From the lies he hates so much.

Oh, yeah, pretty sure it’s that.
Stupid thoughts of an ideal life inside.

The beat,
Beating of my heart,

I already knew that long, long ago.

Sure, I know by now,
If my dreams simply came true,

No way I’d live all on my own, with nobody else.

“Just another lie?”
“No, no, I swear these feelings are true...”

Man, my brain is drained,
Yet filled to the brim with "no."

Oh my, howunderhanded!
Listen to this beating heart.

Hear all the greed,
The forgery,
My dreams of that ideal reality,

To the real me!

If I say, "I’m really lonely,"
Although I said it,
Me, or here, won't ever change.

I'm always a surpriser,
Making jaws drop.

I'm so disgusted by myself,
That I can't help but sneer.

Isn’t it crazy, just enough, to make you grin?

Oh,
My,
You’re just so underhanded!

Hate this.

Hang on to the dying beat,
I wonder,
If this disgusting me...

Can no longer be saved?

Saying things like “No problem,”
You won't ever change.

Oh, I made a mistake once again,
The uncanny me,
Is stuck to this me,
Hating me until I die,

Drowning in the lies, until the end.

“Ah, I spoke a little too much, didn’t I?
But, that’s because this is just a made up story.
Well then, I’ll end it here.

The next time we talk,
When I might have an even stranger story,

Let’s have an even more wonderful conversation.”
Nathan Alexander Nov 2018
(“Lying... is my specialty.
But, truth be told, I’m actually kinda bad at it.

I’m also kind of bad at saying what I truly feel.

But it’s kinda funny, isn’t it?
That a truthful lie...

Is the one, which always seems the most suspicious?”)


“Hey, up for a little talk?
Is it fine if I complain, just a tiny bit?

Got a tendency to hurt from little things.

So, mind if we walk and talk?
I’m bored, so I’ll tell a story,
You’ll laugh,

I guarantee.”

Now, to our little tale,
It began in a strange land,
Oh, but, and this is strange,

It’d seem, as if it were like any place.

10 years,
And the minutes fly,

Since the day the monster spoke inside of me.

Dug deep, into my mind,
Knew it was bad,

“Keep on lying,” said the monster anyway.

So, I’ve lied,
And I’ve been tricking ever since,
No,

Not a single person can see what sits behind.

Just a monster by now,
Can’t deny that it fits.

Oh, wait, my bad,
Don’t get mad,

You know I’m just a liar in the end.

Oh my god, you’re underhanded!
Where’s the trick,

Don’t have a clue?

Hope you don’t mind,
That I don’t mind,

Is it now scaring you too...?

As I lie,
And pass ‘em by,

I feel they’re growing in my mind.

Again today,
I’ll smile at all the pieces,

In this game.

Go on, and the girl will leave,
From the life that disappears,

Like everyone...

Go more, and the boy who hides,
From the hated lies,

That make him cry so much.

Oh, yeah, pretty sure it’s that.
Stupid thoughts of an ideal life inside.

The beat,
Beating of my heart,

I already knew that long, long ago.

Sure, I see now,
If the dreams would become the truth,

No way I’m gonna live all on my own, with nobody else.

“Just another lie?”
“No, no, I swear this is true...”

Man, my brain is drained,
And drowned in itself with every “no.”

Oh my god, you’re underhanded!
Listen to this beating heart.

Hear all the greed,
The forgery,

My dreams of that ideal reality.

If I say I’m really lonely,
You could figure just a bit,
But nothing changes,

Isn’t it crazy, just enough, to make you grin?

Oh,
My,
God,
You’re underhanded!

Hate this.

Hang on to the beat,
What a surprise,
No one to blame,

I can no longer be saved?

If you say “there’s not a problem,”
I know that people never change.
Oh, well, I messed up,

Again.

Hating me until I die.

Drowning in the lies, until the end.

“Ah, I spoke too much, didn’t I?
But that’s because this is just a made up story.
Well then, I’ll end it here.

The next time we talk,”

We won’t...

“Let’s have an even more wonderful conversation.”
Nathan Alexander Oct 2018
Vision is going black,
I’m standing on the edge.

I just wanted some friends,
Now I just want my life to end.

I’m done feeling all these feelings,
Staring at this ******* ceiling,
Wishing my life had some meaning,
Hold my breath, ’till I stop breathing.

No, these people are not my friends,
I don't even know 'em.

No, these people are not my friends,
I can't see behind their masks.

Don’t want to die alone,
But I’m living in a hell.
Stand back from this top,
Climb down the ladder,

‘Cause I don't even trust myself.

And I fell for all your reasons,
Again.

The chemicals numb my feelings,
I become so cold, I’m freezing.

Just hold me ’till I stop bleeding.

No, these people are not my friends...
And now, I’m in my **** head again...

Quick, just overdose, get the medicine.
Something I wrote back in August. Just found it, and redone little parts, made the formation better too. It was quite a mess.

Should I start explaining some parts?

Living in a hell:
You know that feeling. Thinking people will leave you, and there's no point in even trying. There's a hell both inside, the voices, and outside of your head, the people you can't trust.

Don't want to die alone:
I want to experience love, don't get me wrong. But I want the ideal, impossible love, that doesn't exist. Not the cliche, cheat on me, then dump me, kind of thing.

Stand back from this top, climb down the ladder:
Referring to a past suicide attempt, symbolic, because it feels like I'm back there again. Deciding what to do. And end up not choosing anything, so I just climb down, and go on with my life, go with the flow. It's not a happy situation.

Cause I don't even trust myself:
I don't know if I should trust my judgement, or not. I might be hoping deep down that I can be fixed, but logically thinking, it's impossible, and I know that. But when thinking about it too long, I kind of just give up on thinking, and choosing, and I go with the flow. Not make a choice of trusting, or not. A kind of middle way, if you will.

Vision is going black, I’m standing on the edge:
Again, referring to the past suicide attempt I mentioned, symbolic again. It just feels like the same, as it was back then.
Nathan Alexander Oct 2018
It starts to feel like the next stop will never come,
Because I'm too scared to board this train,
Because the voices in my brain...
Are telling me,

"This stop, too, will lead you straight to your death."
"What else am I supposed to do with myself?"

And there, once more, I turn back again...

I alone, walk my own way,
On this never ending path.
And every time, I look down,

My arm and hand, are both stained red.

I'm sick, and tired, of living, passing my days,
Nothing will come of me, I'm just a waste,
With no talents, I'm stupid, good for nothing,
Nothing for me, in the future to come,

I really hope... I'll be soon gone...

But then, again, I'm scared,
Of what's after, after that, what's ahead?
I don't want to live in another hell,
But that's just me, I'm never satisfied,

So let's just ignore everything, distract, put it all aside.
"Just for now..."

Just try to forget, ignore, stop thinking, **** it,
I just don't want to think about it.
Stop crying, the end of this book,
Doesn't mean you can't read another,
And immerse yourself in that one...

I give up, it's all just too much,
And I can't handle it at all.

And I'd love to say,
"If only someone was here to help..."

But in reality, I'd push them all back.

But,
Just by living,
I'm hurting them another day.

Hundreds cry,
All I do is ruin everything.

Just by leaving,
I'm helping them another day.

After a while,
Everything will be alright,
I made their worries subside,

They'll all smile,
Without me by their side.

"No, I'm not lonely, I'm just fine."

I can't trust anyone,
It's just me, I'm never satisfied,

I really should rather just die.

A person, alone, not accepting help,
But then again, in the grand scheme, nothing matters in the end.
Because this world exists in the favour,

Of people with better DNA, and environmental factors.

So, alone, once more, I'm going with the flow,
Pretending not to know,
That time is passing me by.

I don't make a single **** choice,
I just rot away,
Reading, watching, sleep,
Reading, school, reading, reading, reading, watching,
Saying, "this is all fine."
"This is my life."

I'm pathetic, aren't I?

Day after day,
I find my way,
Sleepwalking through.

Like this, I'll fade without a trace,

It's for the best I do.

Just by living,
I'm nothing for another day.
Hundred lives, never knowing me or anything.

Nobody wanted me,
No one there to need,
Why would I want to live,
In the kind of world I see?

And now, I'm just waiting for the opportunity,
Of me being able to put this to a end,

And waiting for that long awaited last stop.
I'm fine.
Nathan Alexander Oct 2018
Once again, watching the long chats pass with no end,
Painful, and pleasure, I'm fighting with my own head.
There's just nothing,
Here at hell's ending,

Envy, envy, envy.
Emotional war, a devastating frenzy.

Don't, oh no,
Please never ever think about me.
Don't wish to god,
It won't ever do anything.

Truth is, I'm helpless, and can't do a thing...
So don't pretend like I am living, or am a human being.

And even I,
Yes, even I,
Get sad and lonely, at night, and so,

Can you forgive me?
Can you forgive me?

I am to blame, yes, for everything.

Once again, watching everything, still the same, then,
I'm hidden under my mind's ocean bed.

"Goodbye", I hear,
"We part our ways right here."

I guess it really is better of this way.

On, and on, always,
I will be waiting here.

Don't, oh no,
Please never, ever lose your way.
Don't search in vain,
And I say this for your own sake.

Just laugh at the face of life and death's gate.

Ignore any voice calling for you to stray my way,
... And you'll be safe.

And even I,
Yes, even I,
Get sad and lonely, at night, and so,
Can you forgive me?
Can you forgive me?

I am to blame, yes, for everything.

And even I,
Yes even I,
Get sad and lonely, at night, and even so,
Though you may fall down,
Feel like you might drown,

You mustn't come to this underground.

You still can make it there in time,
If you let go, and fly.

No, I'm not lonely, I'm just fine.

... Everything should be quite alright,
Let's say goodbye.

The veil crumbling tonight,
When the thought came to be,
"Who, and what am I living for," and see...

Hey, were we smiling stupidly...

... You think?
When I was writing this, I was imagining some kind of white portal, that had a huge crack in it, and a guy sitting down, resting his head, and hand on it.

Meh, too bad I'm useless at drawing.
Nathan Alexander Oct 2018
It's been so long,
Since I've been singing this stupid song,
It's like a nightmare,

Never getting anywhere.

It all repeats...
It all repeats in my head,
But even if I forget,

I'm still in my eternal regret.

And I can't leave...
I can't leave this place,
Because I'm too scared,
But I just can't bare,
Another night of that blank stare,
At my **** ceiling,
at 8 AM,
Not having slept,
Just go to sleep, forget,
Get back in the loop, once again,

Probably another day closer to my end.

And I can't try...
I can't try doing anything,
Because if I do,
I hear those voices in my head,
Telling me to run away, forget.

That's it's not my place,
It grabs me by my face,
That monster, shadowy gray,
Makes me want to die,
Closes my eyes,
So I give in,
And I end up sleeping again...
Ending up in the loop once more,

Every day is the same.
Sorry that I haven't written anything recently, for the people who... Follow me? I guess? I don't know why you even would.
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