when no one knows my name

I'll take a ride, to places I don't know
I'll wreck your town and your family name.
I'll take your boy, and show him a good time
I'll take your sister for a ride on the wild side.

I'm the life of the party, and no one can trip without me
I'm the paralyzed dancer with a mind that'll destroy you
I'm black and white, and that takes the pain away
I'm your addiction.

I remember when you took me
corkscrewing down kaleidoscope tunnels for the last time
mounting hummingbirds to fly through the crystallized sky
air splashing against our skin
like an intoxicating perfume, dizzying
old daydreams, new friends like
humans with spectrum eyes and hair that coiled around their shoulders like serpents, all donning galaxy cloaks
reptilian monsters that sprouted raven feathers while chasing each other through smoke trees
silhouettes with rusty-nail teeth who danced like leaves in a gale
inky, spindly limbs reaching
trying to catch the moon
fingers entangled like a dreamcatcher

We were more then the kings and queens, heroes, idols
We were gods,
ruling from the velvet mountains to the silken seas,
everything beneath the candlesmoke clouds and the caramel sun that drips like wax

everything shining beneath the stars
made out of that smoldering purple dust we know so well
always whispering to us in scritch-scratch voices
reciting elegies and hush-hush songs of longing

but then,
reality ignites and burns beneath us as we soar,
elysian fields crumbling,
flames consuming the wonderland we’ve built
that is nothing but a paper thin house of tarot cards
the future written with seeping poison ink
We are left keening in the ashes,
tears to late to douse the inferno

but maybe
they will help some seedling fester beneath the scorched earth

It's alarming.
Getting so easily caught.
Caught up in addiction.
An addiction to *****.
An addiction to drugs.
An addiction to you.

-m.c.

As every second passes,
All I can think of is you,
You're my angel,
You're my addiction.

I don't know what I would do,
If I did not have you,
My crazy angel.
You're my addiction to life.

Every time I look at you,
My heart starts to pound,
My stomach twists with the butterflies,
Those crazy butterflies.

They tell me that I want you,
That I need you.
You are my Addiction,
My crazy Angel.

the extreme forms
we know as abuse:
alcohol..drugs..***..food..
there are also thoughts
reflecting deep-seated bias..
perhaps a political persuasion
which has lingered for
years of a lifetime..
can we speak of
an addiction to happiness
or are all of the shades
really a search for happiness..
the ego searches and insists
that the search among objects
will locate the illusive
happiness..
the search might occur
in more subtle terrain:
religion and forms of
spiritual practice..
yet these must also
bear their shades
of addiction..

I am earning for this addiction,
Craving for another touch and look see.
Holding my breath as I take another sip,
I am hoping I won’t get tipsy tonight on this addiction.

At this angel it looks quite painful,
Though my mind is so high on enchanting earning;
I can’t look away I am bewitched.

I am quite disgraceful, aren’t I?
Oh well, I am quite fine with being shameful,
As long as my addiction can be craved, no matter the cost.

Dipping down and going for the ****, making lust seep into another.

“You’re an ugly human being”, you scream,
I can only smile and continue being unfaithful.

Another kiss to cure my craving,
My addiction never can be fulfilled though,
So I soak in the bliss and then I am once again on the hunt.

I crave you,
Your like an addiction
Like a pack of cigarettes
A small blue pill
A shot of Alcohol
You've crawled your way under my skin
You've dug a hole deep into my heart
Making it ache when your not touching me
Making it break when your not holding me
You've made my lungs squeeze for air when you grab my hair
You've made my insides burst with fire when you say my name
You've made my blood race through my body like an ocean wave
I crave you
Your like an addiction

I hear things that cannot be heard
I see things that cannot be seen
I feel things that cannot be felt.

From day one
It wrapped itself around my arm
and didn't let go
It's a part of me now-
I breathe it;
it breathes me.
It's always there.
I can hear it whispering in my ear.
I'm still here
I'm still here

My addiction

everyone has some sort of addiction that takes away the pain
some worse than others
but there is always
something to take it away
mine was a physical addiction
a blade cutting deep into my skin
allowing blood to spill out
each drop signifying my pain
or a flame running across my skin
the hundreds of degrees burning
the light being my pain
or holding that gun to my head
the bullet showing all the pain
all of the years and years of hurt
this was my addiction
physically damaging myself
as well as mentally
but the physical pain was to
take away the mental pain
and for a short time it did
for just a bit I was distracted
from my pain and hurt
but it was never enough
to make it go away
no matter how much I tried
it was always there
and even got worse time after time
but if it's an addiction
then for some reason
you enjoy it
or you hope that it will
take the pain away
why are you addicted to this

[bnm]

You claw across the room too me
Distorted in shadows you reach for me
I sweat
I shake
I'm gonna brake
You call so gently too me
Come my dear
You will rest with me,mentally you collect me,
This addiction is getting too me
I shake
I swear
I'm in dispair
I'm gonna break
I have too take
My heads so dark in this space
Embrace me it shouts
Just take me now
We will feel better
No black clouds
I take.

The guilt the blame the emptiness the same,
darkness came ,
I took painkillers
Just too feel better
No better I was
My addiction,
I have to really fight for me.

I will fight the fight too be drug free.

Just sometimes this fight is hard for me.

Since the first day that we met I swear I fell so deep in love you looked me in my eyes and then embraced me with a hug before I realized it was too late I didn't listen I met this pretty little thing her name was Ms. addiction so addicted by her drug I needed help it was so rough I couldn't shake her off my mind I couldn't get enough every time we'd talk we always argue fuss and fight it was then I knew she had destroyed me all my life I spent so many years and yet I shed so many tears I needed you to medicate from facing all my fears the pain had caused the anger than my life began to fall you even had the audacity of rejecting all my calls you clouded my thoughts and judgement you made me somebody I really wasn't stressed out and up in a jail cell our love was all for nothing in and out of institutions you made me feel so useless so addicted nby your drug I was mentally ill and also abusive as I stand today I'm proud to say that things got carried away bye bye to you addiction the biggest mistake that's ever been made I jeophardize my life and freedom and family I had to pay I've built up the courage and confidence I am free no longer a slave in we go through some obstacles and to live we're put to the test because if not addiction could lead to jails institutions and death

How am I supposed to say no to my addiction
If I don't even have the strength to get up?
When I see no future in any direction?

How am I supposed to control myself
When I see no point in living?
When my life loses all meaning?

How do I say no?

For every cell of skin
That fills without
To love within
Powder blush
Purple brush
That paints their face
I find the only place
I wish to race to
Is beside you

With every ***** babe
Model or pageant queen

I find only you rule my dreams
My nightly and daytime desires
My masturbatory fantasies
Tight lips
Tasting your powerful tongue
Wispy word goddess
Dark hazel eyes
My thoughts do not lie
They hold no surprise
Only the years of affliction
Facing such an addiction
For which I would
Sell the world to feed

You are my need

I’m walking across the street.
There is someone I have to meet,
My Mr. sun.

I’m looking for him on the green grass field where we met before.
Though I don’t see any trace of him, I’m still waiting.
I have best believe that I’ll meet him again.

But it seems like I won’t meet my sun,
because rain is pouring heavily all of the sudden.
I got my hopes down in a split of second.
I think, meeting you was just an accident, not destiny.
I’m ready to go home, I’m giving up.

It’s when my eyes catch the same light as before.
It’s when my heart feel the same warmth as before.
My Mr. Sun is standing before me.
“Hi, You.” Said Mr. Sun.
I got my hopes up again as you greeted me.

I forget when did I sign-up on any admission for admiration,
but now I’m admiring you.
I’ve never known that one conversation can lead to addiction, but I know now.
I’m addicted to you even when we’ve only met once.
Am I addicted to you?
Am I addicted to your warmth? Or
Am I addicted to you charm?
Please tell me, Mr. Sun.

In school they showed us a video
about drug cartels and drug addition,
but all I could think about was you,
and how much I crave your touch.

The mouth of the presenter is moving,
but his words fall on deaf ears
that crave the sound of your voice.

As I think about your lips,
and how they taste,
I can't help but wonder if this is addiction,
because all of my desire is revolved around you.
(Constantly wanting you by my side)
(Constantly, constantly craving you)

I've never injected a needle,
or taken a hit.
Come to think of it,
those drug dealers have no idea how intense I feel,
so they can keep their substances.
Why would I need that
when I already have you?
(The substance of love is powerful)
(in the form of you)

All those I-hop visits in the middle of the night, all those nights sneaking out of my room and hanging with you until 4 in the morning, or saying I was sleeping over my friends house when I was really sleeping at your house, OR OR OR you sneaking into my room at night and crashing on my floor till morning.

I never regretted any of it. I still don't. I didn't think it was wrong. I still don't. You were like my big brother you still are. Yeah I knew my father and stepmother wouldn't approve of you as a friend (nor would the approve the misfit gang our friends) so I kept you hidden, hence all the sneaking around.

You called me panda growing up and would "******" anyone else who even dared to try to call me that. And Hell I was one of the few people who was allowed to know what your real name was (don't worry I wont put it up here).

We've been through hell and back. As Mistress and sub, Enemies, romantic interest, then siblings. We've been on one hell of a roller costar. But through all the yelling and the fighting that we seemed to always do, We always would find a way back to each other and bee there for each other through thick and thin. We always had each others back and would look out for one another.

You would sometimes take me on your dangerous jobs. I was always in that beat up old ford focus you had with an oversized hoodie on and your iPod blasting in my ears. You taught me how to fight with a Tanto (the dagger version of a katana sword) well two tantos, so now I am quicker throwing a knife then most people are pulling the trigger on a gun Something I am VERY Proud of, (See you don't need Hideous disgusting GUNS to defend yourself) AAAAANNND I am very deadly with just my hands and body (AGAIN you don't need stupid pointless nasty guns to defend yourself). And I taught you how to keep your temper in check (which rarely ever happened so maybe I didn't)

We let the other see sides of ourselves that we never showed anyone. You were for the longest time the ONLY person who knew what my ex boyfriend Jim did to me, and so there for were the only person who understood why the song DONT STOP BELIEVIN' By Journey would make me curl up in the fetal position and have such horrible flashbacks I would hyperventilate and cry my eyes out and shake uncontrollably  (Still get flash backs but no more hyperventilating or crying, now I just freeze in the middle of whatever I'm doing and shake really badly). I was the only person you would open up about what happened to your family, about the car crash, that is until a few months ago when you finally wrote a poem about it and started coming to terms about it.

I was the one who stood up to you and got you to see that your drug addiction was destroying you. that youw ere better then the "low life" **** you were portraying yourself as. I was the one who made you see the light (your words not mine)

You were the one to show me that I wasn't worthless, or a **** up, or a waste of space that my family was better off without (though I still struggle with that everyday).


I met you when I was only 12 turning 13, you were 15 turning 16. Now I am 21, you 24.

THATS 9 YEARS!!!

you left my life from the time I was 15 to 19. FOUR YEARS! you left my life because of your drug addiction, Those four years felt like A part of me was missing. My big brother was gone. The person who had been there for me through everything. The one who would always make sure I was ok and had a smile on my face. the person who when I was mad would sneak me I hop pancakes into my room when my stepmother or father wasn't looking. The person who was always there in the shadows making sure I was safe, Always protecting me.

But then you came back and I welcomed you eagerly. You promised me you would never leave my life again. that you realized that it was stupid. that you missed your sister to much. I was fine with that. I missed you too.

You finally got clean and free of your addiction. though you still did dangerous jobs... Which led you to getting shot and almost dying. But when you got better you quit those jobs and focused on other things. Like your Boyfriend and the love of your life who later became your wife.Then you started a family, You wife and your beautiful daughters. Gosh I love my nieces. You started to see the light. And I was happy to be a part of it.

But then Magnum (your kinda father figure) got hurt really badly and BAM you changed. You started to revert back  into your old self, dangerous jobs, cold hearted, distant. And nothing anyone would say would get through to you. You wouldn't listen to any of us. Not Mags, Not your wife, not your boyfriend. not even me.

THEN CAME THAT DAY

It was  September 15th 2014.


You posted a poem on here and I commented. and we did our usual Banter back and forth of you saying something and me being stuborn and not letting it go. you FLIPPED out and told me "I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR BIG BROTHER ANYMORE SO ******* AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Goddess that hurt so badly

It felt like you had shot me, stabbed me, ran me over with an 18 wheeler. You ripped my heart in two. You told me to get out of your life. But you Promised you would never leave mine! You've been there since I was 12 years old and now you just want to leave? AFTER EVERTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! you want to just wash your hands of me and be done? You want me gone? You want me to leave? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS ME??? The ONE person THE ONE ******* PERSON who has always been there for me is now GONE!!! **** VANSIHSED DISAPEARED!!!

My big brother. the person I could always count on. :'( Gone... just Gone.. it left a gapping whole in my heart.

I tried to be angry. And I still am. THIS ISNT FAIR TO ME!!!!!! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS **** IT!!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME HAWK???? WHY??? WHAT DID I DO WRONG???? HOW COULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS??????

I've slammed the door on you. I cant handle this pain anymore. I cant do it without falling apart. I've slammed the door and locked it. And I don't know if I can ever unlock it. You've hurt me. Worse then you've ever done before. I don't know if I can ever let you back in. Yes I love you. That will never change. Yes even though you don't want to be you will ALWAYS still be my big brother through and through. That will never change.

But sometimes even though we love someone. we just have to let them go. Some times we have to protect ourselves from the pain they cause. even when we don't want to. Even when we want to cling to them and beg them to stop hurting us.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to unlock that door and we can start again.. but I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I want to open that door so badly though. I want you back into my life. its only been a week and I already miss you like crazy . I miss my brother.

But how can I know you wont hurt me again? Is it worth letting you back in? You broke your promise to me about never leaving my life again. You broke your promise. How can I trust you again?

The drug
The high
The confusion
The craving
The withdrawal

The brain feels overwhelmed
The noise creates chaos in my mind
The silence I seek
The alone time I need

The anxiety kicks in
Struggling to breathe...
Overthinking creates an addiction, to the things that cause mind suppression.

My mind is noisy, with thoughts of occurrences that have happened, and some not.
I try not to depress myself, but mistakenly think too far in the future, then get disappointed because expectations have not been reached.
Busy, distracted, chaotic, and unfocused.

I reach no end to where my mind goes...
A path of little thoughts that creates an explosion and downfall.

I crave the drugs to give my mind a rest.
To give it a sense of peacefulness...
I have failed lifes tests.

Tense, tight, my mind implodes.
Burn my thoughts and bury them in ashed coal.

Cannot sleep
Cannot close my eyes
Always in a state of overthinking...
Like my brain is constantly blinking

I came here to seek refuge
I came here and slept in refuse
And when I searched for help, I found no love​
When I cried for freedom, I couldn’t see above
So I gave my life, heart to you

I fell into you and found refuge
I fell into you and I couldn’t refuse
You took my life and squeezed me dry
You burnt my soul and left me high
So I lost my head, myself to you

All I wanted was refuge
All I wanted was not to be refused
Exchanging depression for oppression
Repression for apparent expression
And I gave my love, my whole to you

What I found was false refuge
What I needed was to refuse
I worked the night and pushed the day
I cruised for hope and fought dismay
Not for me, I fought for you

Time slowed and all became pain
I held my breathe and felt the strain
You tore my heart out from my chest
Held it above its open nest
You said you left me. But I left you

And now I clearly live in refuge
And sleep in peace and always refuse
I want the finer things in life
Not to be the minor thing in life
I fight for me now not for you

As you guzzle down your emotions,
forcibly silencing yourself,
You’re actually drowning an addiction;
Rather than your sorrows.
the liquid that easily slides down your throat,
is engulfing you in its depressively, thick brew.
Your eyes are noticeably bloodshot,
while mine are hidden behind hands and muffled tears.

I used to have an addiction
And every night I would fuel it
The fires of my apprehension
And I still wanna do it

But now I’m trying to drown
Drown in a new addiction
This new one I found
Is no better, but no worse of mutilation

It all feels the same to me
Every night when I have withdrawals
I feel tears and then I just sing
I can feel how the scars crawl

Addiction is bad
But now it feels so good
It makes people mad
But I just want to do it

I have an addiction
And I’m only a few months clean
But I can feel myself slipping
On the waters of addiction

.....slavery comes in different forms
And we give it different names
There was
The slavery slaves
But now we have;
Computer slaves;
Mental slaves;
Economic slaves;
Fashion slaves;
*** slaves;
Addiction slaves;,
This slaves and that slaves....

there is this drug in me, swimming inside my bloodstream, kissing insanity away and forming sunflowers on potted vases, in to vast gardens. I can't stop it. sometimes, when I don't consume it, it rips through flesh and wriggles itself in, tickling me until I dissolve in to fits of laughter; and then it would usually pick one of the sunflowers and ask me to take it for a dance and I would, oh I would. I think about it every time I wake up or read a book or breathe; some days when it's quiet I would still sense it's touch but very faintly, very softly; I can't live without it though, not ever; even if it couldn't come in some days and plant it's sunflowers I'd still need it; I wouldn't want those sunflowers withering away without it, and that drug I need swimming in my bloodstream and kissing insanity away and gifting me with sunflowers is, yes, you.

**You.

In a peculiar, far off, world, time and place,
The trivial past would be irrelevant, chased away then erased.
Contrary to the reality of distorted lies in front of my face,
These eyes cannot mask fraudulence or disgrace.
Chasing them down with a trace of a defaced case of toxic waste,
I pace as my thoughts race of the time that’s left until I dissipate.
Looking into the murky vase with dying flowers desperate to be replaced,
Misplaced to the one who’d obliterate the beauty I once embraced.

Within my sorrow I woke, shattered love replaced with a heart no longer broke.
Soaked with what I could never cope, I felt passion and choked on my once false hope.
This vision evoked a note; a call of duty for you, my eternity to devote.
Instinctively I knew, the words stuck in my throat, but blindly every incline eventually has a *****.
Surrounded by mirrors shielded with smoke,
As we stared we shared yet nothing we spoke.
Your presence was felt but disguised with a cloak,
Confined in your skin, comfortably lost afloat, for your soul I searched to perpetually stroke.

With blurred vision I envisioned, stood silent, anxious of your condition,
Division of indecision was nothing less than your frightened inquisition.
A hallucination on a mission of who was out to hurt you with consistence,
I understood as you tried to piece together the suspicion of our composition.
Guarded and in position to react upon intuition then the smoke disappeared and you saw our reflection.
No longer was my presence an imposition now in recognition you accepted the ignition of a united evolution.
Successful revision disposed internal superstition,
Our collision created a premonition for our future decisions of precision.

The past’s paths we chose were restricted to our addiction and careless indifference,
The assistance of negative influence stripped us of our innocence.
Blood shot eyes, negligence of appearance, abstracted resistance only creating distance.
Ambiguous and inexperienced, taking shots and hits in an instance,
Distorted images, lacking clarity, the abuse of substance left an absence of existence.
Building tolerance whilst sabotaging resilience, guilty and unable to admit repentance,
Without a witness, secret and safe, no justice to serve and no one to listen.
A mission incomplete and persistent,
We continue to envelope in our disappearance.

In the seam of my sickness I submerge within these contaminated nerves,
Fearing the silence with thirst not to be disturbed,
But absurdly I yearned your unhealthy and perplexed words to be heard,
My tender nature reserved an exclusive place to keep you conserved,
Unstable but concerned I’d preserve you like an herb,
I slurred for forgiveness but observed perhaps this was my turn,
But with your freedom you turned away and flew away like a bird.
Now relentless and pure I burn the surface of my figure, no intent to return.

Yet once we were young, wild and free,
Conducting our train with no fear of where we’d soon be,
The sweet breeze guaranteed the destination with ease,
Imagination without knowledge, amid glee and degree,  
We’d dive and rise above the salty sea,
Later meet beneath that tree with belief the starry sky we’d seize,
Through the debris you still held in your hand the key,
And we’d conquer our dreams, what we sought and believed.

But as I’ve grown within my questioning dome,
My home of stones has nothing to be shown,
Prone to disown my weakened skin and bones,
Candidly I pacify the clone I’ve never known.
In hopes to be flown far ahead of this zone,
I’d hover above in a whispering tone, draining my disease as it’s blown.
My soul will glisten and roam, looking down at my new golden throne,
As I’ve postponed to recognize the beauty of the Earth & my own – No longer shall I be alone.

.oddly enough, the only way to escape **** addiction... is to ******* your escape... but... em... **** addiction? more like, to counter the culture of exhibitionism on the females' part... i've looked... no video of a guy imitating doing **** with his bony hand... so... there's only one way out, ******* long enough while taking a **** and a ****... and... done... all that's left is a bunch of ***** and ***** boasting some frivolous enterprise of depicting contraception; mere abstinence doesn't work... you have... **** your way out of this Alcatraz; finding the bore is so liberating... it's like finding your **** again, and seeing an amputated hand's space, where imitation **** used to be.

and why did the game
war robots...
do away with the king of the hill
option?

**** me... it was the most
tactical version of the game...
most people didn't get it...

they didn't get it because
they "thought" that by simply
capturing a beacon
you'd get to eat the brownies...

no!
the whole point was standing
your ground... in the beacon
vicinity, to drain away the points-per-second
earned by... standing your ground...

it was a defense strategy format
of the game...
              and the other aspect?
predictions...
you had to solidify yourself
to the pattern of which
beacons would light up for you
to defend...

      it was the most fun variant of
the whole experience...
not some mindless variant...
the most tactical aspect of the game,
and the game engineers pulled out
and deleted it...

that's what made the game fun,
you have a second layer of tactic...
you weren't supposed
to play the eager-trigger role
of the infantry...
you had to think about sustaining
an occupation of a certain
space in the game...
  like... sitting in the trenches
during world war I...

               but then people have
to take out the fun in not being
all: trigger-happy...
            
         hell... if this game wasn't as
engaging as it is...
but given the revision, it's becoming less so...
i'd take about 5 minutes to take a shower,
and about 6 minutes to take a ****
while massaging my prostate
with an eager **** shaft...

what? some people have the audacity
to take a **** while pretending to
read a book, while at the same time jerking
off in an armchair with scented candles...
i do the 1 through to 4...
take a ****, take a ****,
*******, play a video game for about
10 minutes on the throne of
thrones...

                  sometimes i get lucky and
miss no. 3... because i'm like...
what's the ******* point, right now?
                 i already know that
the sensation of ******* is purely
muscular and not related to
actual *******...
i know... i did it from the age of 8...
when... nothing came out...
you could cut by ***** off and
i'd still feel an, "******"...

               so... hey, snippet...
it's not like i'm planning to have any
little munchkins running around...
although i might have liked that...
but we're past that...
   liberal democracies...
yeah... i've heard that fairy-tale...
the sort of ideas that drug up
libertarian right-wingers?
  those asylums of pompous
verbiage?
                oh sure... i know them....
i live in one of them...
     i'm of a different schooling...
**** Hobbes, **** Locke,
**** Hume and ****
Machiavelli...
               i'd replace Machiavelli with
la Rochefoucauld... to begin with...
Hume with Kant,
                           and the other two...
can't be bothered...
it's enough to counter Machiavelli...
if there's even a counter...
let's just throw in some names...
let's say: Heidegger for Hobbes...
and Sartre for Locke...
  evidently non-related...
                       but in all earnest...
Marquis de Sade...
                                     ******...
an overlooked gem of a novella...
         so...         concentrated and non-repetitive...
an actual work of philosophy...

but why did the gaming developers
have to **** around with
the king of the hill tactical game-play?

half as fun doing the 1, 2, 4 and the sometimes 3
on the throne of thrones.

well yeah... king of kings...
but the king of kings didn't exactly sit
on the throne of thrones...
he put a jester on it... to reveal
exactly as much as is worth: this.

******* to work
My magic
Is all that I
Need
To stimulate what
Vast men fail
To
Achieve.

You'll see,
I guarantee.

I'll be your addiction,
Your daily routine.

1967 san francisco is transformed into city of missing children haight ashbury brims with scraggly orphans thousands sit on street curbs live in cars hang out on floors of shops roam streets parks sleep on sidewalks unthinkable social cultural phenomenon Odysseus embraces madness walking through different neighborhoods going without food sleep in golden gate park floral smells so strong he can taste flowers kids openly pass joints acid doses trip dance make music laugh Odysseus is risk-taker but he is not street smart along with flocks of totally wasted kids street hustlers abound Odysseus sets down backpack beside eucalyptus tree rests when he wakes backpack is gone he is penniless disconnected hitchhikes across bay to berkeley less congested more manageable meets some runaways like him but not like him they squatter in abandoned house off telegraph avenue maybe 20 hippies crashing in house Odysseus adopts enormous closet hidden in back bedroom as his space has small window feels like sanctuary sometimes he comes home finds 5 or 6 kids sleeping in closet in a way people in house become his family tribe some of people are suspicious especially older secretive man with 2 tongue-tied underage girls whom he claims are his daughters Odysseus suspects veiled ****** exploitation girls are lovely yet behave frightened repressed life on street does not come easy telegraph avenue overflows with lost souls searching to hook-up fragrance of frankincense drifts amidst music drug deals rip-offs bullying brawls hierarchy from hell’s angels down Odysseus stays high dances sometimes panhandles “i live in commune with 2 pregnant girls” whatever cash he collects scores acid **** subsists on diet of gum candy sunflower pumpkin seeds sometimes ketchup with french fries his acne crescendos he learns if he drops acid daily by third or fourth day he cannot get off no matter how much he doses tries peyote cactus buttons after waiting nearly hour to get off he suffers stomachache dizziness projectile vomits finally flies into freaky hallucinations he swallows mescaline capsules feels sick to his stomach forgets about his nausea trips for 9 hours tries psilocybin mushrooms laughing straight through night experiments with stp trips for 3 days Bobby Stern and Martha Quigley come out from chicago to visit they are curious about the scene need to hook up Odysseus introduces them to his friends shows them telegraph avenue he turns and they have vanished he does not know where they have gone everybody is losing everybody new kids show up everyday oakland **** named red rat kidnaps Martha is heiress from distinguished chicago family their disappearance makes chicago papers after week Bobby and Martha manage to escape they never reveal to Odysseus what red rat did to them radio plays doors’ “light my fire” and jimi hendrix’s "purple haze" Odysseus has crush on beautiful blonde Patty she  ran off for summer from her parent’s home in sunset section of san francisco Odysseus and Patty hang out go see country joe and fish in provo park on sundays hitchhike into city watch Jefferson Airplane play for free in golden gate park hitchhike to marin see Grateful Dead jam at muir beach dude hands out free acid Odysseus is total acidhead acid reveals everything in new intensified light *** on acid is beyond *** wilder than *** more primal *** so intense it transcends limits of eroticism acid helps Odysseus realize his true self his pain sadness tears lies crazy-*** side first tingling tremors in stomach chest hands then initial flashes of sparkle traces of color echoes of giggling laughter lucid thoughts sometimes he swallows such large doses all he can do is stare out at white light what is it about massive hits of acid? measure of how fierce his spirit? self-punishment? escapism? he wonders why he so desperately needs to escape from what whom? himself? Mom’s numerous efforts to convince him he is mentally disturbed? Dad’s fists? escape from real world to where? Odysseus hangs with Pluto skinny 16 year old ****-addict golden wavy hair rotting teeth finesse with girls Pluto claims crystal **** enhances *** more than acid needles frighten Odysseus he lets one of Pluto’s girls hit him up with methamphetamine feels sudden overwhelming rush through head body forgets about needle before it ever leaves his arm having been initiated Odysseus begins scoring with Pluto’s girls Pluto knows tons of girls Odysseus loves feeling numb free being out of control not giving a **** getting ****** ****** by pretty girl if he could have his way he would go from ****** to ****** with pretty girl all day every day deep in drug induced state because drugs lower inhibitions allow them to explore some sick disgusting stuff that is paradise for Odysseus he is rapidly slipping into street life drug addiction wakes up with ants crawling in his hair witnesses numerous fights freak-outs 2 different kids o.d. while he is present lots of creepy stuff  by early august realizes he might wind up dead soon or rotting like Pluto Odysseus has spirit but troubled by what he sees troubled enough to return home go back to school he feels lost desperate alone not thinking plots drug deal swindle double-crosses some people guilt and shame for conning people haunts him for years he gives Pluto half the money tells him to share with Patty with his cut buys ticket back to chicago Penelope is first to greet him she gives him big hug comments “you need a shower and shave real bad!” his hair is wild scraggly beard Odysseus holds on to her he has missed his little sister glad to be near her feels panicky his parents will punish him Mom and Dad are relieved but agitated their worry and shame at his flight have turned to anger resentment they rationalize he selfishly ran off merrymaking for 3 months they sternly make plans for his next semester while Odysseus was away in california Penelope has ****** ******* for first time in back seat of Jed Zurbeck's black pontiac Penelope in secret goes to see doctor for pregnancy test doctor recognizes Penelope’s last name calls house Odysseus answers phone doctor asks to speak with Mr. or Mrs. Schwartzpilgrim Mom picks up phone doctor informs her Penelope is pregnant all hell breaks loose doctor makes house call with Mom and Dad present offers 2 options for Penelope “you can be picked up by limousine on state street and blindfolded you will be taken to an undisclosed location where abortion procedure is performed then re-blindfolded and returned by limousine to state street or you can report incident as **** and get signatures of three physicians then have abortion in a hospital” Mom and Dad choose to report it as a **** fabricate story about Penelope walking home from school and being grabbed pulled into alley by black man who rapes her Penelope is made to tell lie three times deeply disturbs her after abortion is done in hospital Dad makes Penelope swear not to admit abortion to anyone insists she tell Jed Zurbeck she made up stupid lie and she was never really pregnant Penelope obeys and tells no one

I ran crying the last 2 miles.
When i did sports, i always smiled.
My team never made me sad.
When i lost at sports, i'd just quit the game.

It didn't feel bad.

I can't just quit when i run. I have to go on.
Push my limits.
I do it for fun.
Screaming every step i cry,
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.

I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite
thankfully not in a medical way
i don't have to pop pills everyday
to keep an essence of danger under control
and to stop my head doing backward flips and forward rolls
to curtail bad thoughts and contain OCD
wake up and think "what's happening to me?"
but sometimes i'm full of mazey bomb blasts
and crazy contrasts,
I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite
I say work i'm not even gonna give 50% percent never mind double
but i'll stay just below the warning threshold so i don't really get in trouble,
i do see my sick days as extra days of annual leave
but my bums on my seat most of the year and at least one Eve.
I'm always ducking and diving, i hide and they seek,
but i hit my targets every week.
They can say put down your pens,
strip your pencils of lead,
you can't stop me writing in my head
But you'll sometimes dictate what time i go to bed.
I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite
Nearly every road i walk down i've got a ***** cat friend
there meowing never drives me round the bend
but if me owing then just a letter i'll send.
I’ll rescue  spiders from the bath, without any exception,
But I’ll clean their webs and evict them when I have a house inspection.
Giving up pork, on a parity with pigges at last
But then i broke my faste with bacon for breakfast
Watching lambs a gamboling there frolicking is fab,
but i'll see you on a plate later if i'm craving a kebab.
I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite.
Money and the capitalist structure baffles, no thanks, no ta
but before i go out a quick sub off Ma and Pa.
I'll pay for a taxi, i don't care about the amount,
while checking fervently the statement from my bank account.
Cash cannot be eaten it just gets you into Eton
but i'll rifle through my pockets for pennies to get an eat on
i don't adore you, i'll say your the means to an end
but then i spend some more and ask for a lend.
I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite.
I'll say anarchy  is everywhere, petition and abstain
then  read in the late edition who i think should take the reins.  
I scream smash the system without any regrets
but then start stubbing out where they deem no cigarettes.
I'll say **** big business they are always looting tons
while cutting out Asda coupons to get the soup with croutons.
i'll say **** materialism, to that i am adverse,
"ohh if you want to get me some trainers Mum can you make em Converse? "
I'm a schizophrenic hypocrite
One Saturday i found it hard to move
crying out for water, more than needing food,
stomach emptier than the packets in my pockets
Early winter scribble
spoiled by the ripple of rain,
deadened and dull
on a precious day,
the time I crave
passes through a husk
full of caves.
Each inhabitant curses
and burns
the stagnant soil under their feet,
I want something to eat.
I need to drink.
The cold slab of sink
lures flesh to rest,
unsatisfied
with retched offerings
flung from a scorched earth
so next Friday, a few beers and l I’ll hit the hay
Ten beers later, where’s the MDMA?
And my staunch resolutions go up my nose
Chatting through the night, striking a pose,
Music accentuated, stars sparkling hard
World’s discussed in magic back yards,
Focused and fraught in tumultuous thought
Ten cigs in an hour
An hours too short,
As the morning comes, I start feeling a mess
It slowly disintegrates the treasure in my chest,
Feelings of strength crumble to a feeble frame,
Spears in my head, WHOOPS I’VE DONE IT AGAIN.
You’ll stop this time, I curse and lecture,
Two bottles down next Friday etc etc,
I’m a schizophrenic hypocrite
I remember an uneventful Tuesday when i wasn't working
belly full of rice
and i saw you twice,
two times a day,
on a day in lieu,
time stood still,
smiling at you
i thought i'm gonna have to write about you,
so i park myself in a bar after a joint in Netto carpark
and start using words to build an arc
and if you you do wanna walk in two by two,
can i walk in with you?
Is it this green ride that's getting me high
or the regret i seen in the gleam of your eye
that as soon as we said hi we said bye,
as disappointed as the catcher when he dropped the rye.
If i may be so bold,
if you were cold
i wouldn't hail these stones
i'd pummel Jack Frost until he knows he's lost,
i'll leave all the lights on to hasten global warming
make Obama declare winter a season of mourning,
If you met an iceberg of Titanic  proportions
i'd cut through it quicker than the Ripper does back street abortions.
If you were in prism
i'd try to unrangle the science of triangles
so i could build you a pyramid with all the right angles,
my stomachs in knots;
the most tranquil of tangles.
Then i saw you get out of the lift
and i wanted to play you a rift
until you exposed your midriff
because you set me adrift from chains and shackles
my mind goes crazy and fills with cackles,
i crackle with lightning, my energy heightens
my heart tightens
and not cos of cholesterol
cos i think you're special
and celestial!
I got dreams from naught, my head feels taught,
i prised a lesson from your eyes,
love is the greatest prize.
But now that's gone, all things
pass evolution in transience
faces that were everything lost to balance
blue it merge
but seldom a residual surge
and your bark today was worst than your bite
it said something softly,
i sow the seeds for the sycamore trees
we can carve our names on next summer.
Under an endless stretching sky
you wrote you
and i wrote i,
the lights in our eyes don't lie
they are gateways to the suns inside,
our hearts couldn't hide from this brightening tide.
I'm a Schizophrenic hypocrite
I remember this guy from work, cooed to me
look at the **** on this page 3
he drooled over Nuts magazine like he belonged in a zoo
i bet he frequented strippers too.
He said seen this clip, it's ******* great,
it ad turn a couple of queers straight
it was these two twins with rouge lips being rude,
the way she chomped on her like food
and they defo loved it,there is  no doubt
it's just just ***** Eskimo ******* kissing snouts
and sharing with her sister the joy of getting licked out.
Wonder how they looked in the family car?
giggling about some exciting destination,
like all kids displaying a lack of patience,
“are we there yet” chorused with glee and duality,
dressed in the same clothes to ensure parity.
Ice cream for tea.
Maybe they might be way into drugs
or addled with addiction
lacking hugs
and sore from the friction.
Not liking the glare
feeling scared.
maybe?
He said nar they love it up them baby.
But then,
i have it
about 3 or 4 times a week
after the 5th time of hitting snooze,
or a heavy night on the *****,
or sometimes no beer,
even after a sonnet of Shakespeare
a sudden urge comes over me,
GET THE LAPTOP!
GET THE *******!
Then it's
Japanese teen lesbians spitting,
finger ******* wearing mittens,
****'s ******* Britions,
oap creampies
***** covered eyes
***** flicking,
extreme suction,
**** destruction,
Captain Birds Eye gobbing
Batman ******* Robin,
A ten inch plumber ******* in a kitchen sink drama
Robert de Niro unpeeling Bananarama
Marty doing the Doc
a gimped up Kirk whipping Spoc
Rita  ******* Norris
Gail licking Fizz
Sally doing Dev
and Kevin doing ki.............Kevin, get out of the room.
Back to
a **** doing a ******
a pre op pleasuring granny
two ***** one *****,
then i chuck my muck all over my tunic
flip over and continue reading The Female ******,
I'm a Schizophrenic Hypocrite,
i've gotta split.