Nothing seems to be going right in my life right now. Generally, I have not been very happy for the past... six months? Honestly, I am utterly unhappy and my depression and anxiety are worse.

It used to be about the man that I am in love with. If you are reading this, please do not feel burdened.

Now, it's about everything else in my life. I am restless and worried about so much. I want to move at my own pace but the universe keeps on testing me. I know that it's God's way of making me a better person, but good God, I am extremely unhappy. I cry all the time. If you ever see me put on a smile lately, you are in luck. Most of the time I can only see myself crying and wanting to **** myself.

I know that the universe has a plan, but good God, I am still trying to let go and accept and work hard. It's as if the circumstances won't allow whatever hard work I did to pay off.

I've contemplated suicide for more times than I could count for the past three months. I could feel its presence, its weight, and its shadow against the wall. I could imagine a life without me. I could imagine how my friends would be when they received that unexpected, dreaded information of a girl who died too young simply because her brain messed up her emotions. I could imagine the tears and guilt that my mother would have upon seeing my dead body. I could imagine the guilt and pain and anger that my father would feel upon reading my note. I could imagine it. I, too, could imagine you looking at my cold face, my hands and fingers covered in the shrouds.

I didn't want, though, to let their souls break because of my selfishness to leave the world without their permission.

So I will live.

I just need someone to talk to and to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I am currently not strong enough to do that on my own.

The way your eyes light up in wonder
Mesmerized and perplexed
Ever so slowly asking questions
Mysteries of a lifetime
Hold me with all your heart
Share the joys of your life

If I could I would give you the world
I will make it your playground
Where you can find love and kindness
If justice is served then be the first to taste it
All I want is the world for you

"We'll figure it out."
"Please keep smiling; I like it that I make you happy."
The words that make flowers bloom, wounds heal, and passions on fire.

Maybe the next time I see you
I will put some lipstick on
And your fingers will find me
The way nobody ever will

Maybe the next time I see you
We can sit next to each other
And your hand could rest
Somewhere no one should know

Maybe the next time I see you
I can rest my head on your chest
As you rest your heart into me
With the world fading into oblivion

Do not treat me like a princess
Though I enjoy the pretty things in life
And the joys that money can buy
I know that there is always a price to be paid

Do not treat me like a princess
I may read and write poetry in the morning
With Schubert playing in the background
But let me have a moment with my Scream Queens

Do not treat me like a princess
You may love me and think I am perfect
With all the grace and beauty in the world
But to love is to understand that perfection is a façade

And the truest love of all
Is when you love me
Without my perfection

Too young to know when to fold 'em
Too old to make one mistake at a time
The children born to hard workers
And the lovers made of electric glass
We are everything you wanted us to be
We are everything you could never be

I am everything you want me to be
Good girl
Good grades
Good school
Good friends

I am everything you made me into
Brokenhearted
Doubtful
Restless
Disappointed

Believe me, I am everything you wanted me to be
And everything you had not expected of me

Far better than any fantasy
Born out of a daydream
Is one made of flesh and blood
With eyes that speak the truth

Take me by the hand and show me all your secrets. I want to know every little one. Tell me a story about your childhood hero, how much you love your mother, what you think about the corrupt government. Say everything you want to say; allow me to take it all.

We can sit and talk all night long. We can hold hands and tell each other lies, absurd and silly. We can make believe that we are in love, that we are meant to be, that the night is young and so are we. After all, there are times when I think it is what we need.

If falling asleep is what you want, then so be it. We can make a fool of ourselves and we can judge each other. I can put my lipstick on while you take off your shirt -- or we can keep everything on. It's all up to you.

We are good the way we are; not perfect at all but enough for each other. We are different but some things within us are just the same. You don't yell at others while I don't throw sticks and stones. Let others do what they want and let them wonder what goes behind closed doors; we are good with the way we are. We can do everything, or nothing at all, with each other.

Take your time slowly and surely, my love
Your open arms may one day be my home
Allow me some time, too, to fit into your frame
I am not used to be told that I will be safe

Sink into me deeper and ever so gently, my love
We are a hundred stories wrapped into one
I have long let go of my childhood dreams
Yet your grasp made me believe in fairy tales once more

Pull me close and take me away, my love
Today you may be a part of one sonnet in my book
Take a day, a fortnight, or a moon’s time
And may you become the word to every story

It takes a great deal of courage
To wake up every morning
And put a smile on your face
Even when the only thing
You feel like doing
Is going up to the 36th floor
And letting yourself fly

All you have is a kiss you have yet to give
Your memories are black and cold as ice
There was a time of bliss and love within
Now you can only see the void unfulfilled
Let your lips curse at the storms
They came when he left without a goodbye
Somehow your silence holds the answers
Learn how to breathe fire into your lungs
One day you will learn old songs the new way

I am used to everything being difficult. For quite a while, I have accepted that I am not like others who find it easy to find love here and there. The people that I had fallen for were so good, so electrifying, but never quite right for me. Still, falling under difficult circumstances was the only thing I knew; winning the affection and approval of someone who does not love you back felt like the only way to go.

That is why when you came into my world, it felt like a beautiful, terrifying surprise.

For the first time in a long time, there are no worries and fears. At least, there are no real fears. For the first time, I did not enter someone's life with fears of being uninvited. You reached out for me, arms stretched wide and open I was beginning to wonder if they were arms or gates to the home I had never known before. For the first time, I do not want to speak in the language of flowers filled with poetry; I am scared that immortalizing you in exaggerated love sonnets would make you only a figment of my imagination. Your laughter and jokes and the way you wrap me in your warmth are far better than any poetry I have ever read; I do not need them anymore because for the first time, what I am experiencing is real.

You are not making me fall in love with you. Falling means landing on the cold ground, bruises and wounds all over me. Instead, I feel like I am walking into you, perhaps even crawling, in a slow and careful but steady motion. You do not make me feel like I am flying; I am standing on solid ground with my heart flying into the skies and my head blissfully resting on your shoulder. You make me happy, far happier than I thought I could be, but I do not feel like I would lose myself without you.

You found me and for the first time, I am not falling. I am walking.

Whenever he plants a kiss on me
I find myself not knowing exactly
Whose wish is being granted at the moment

"Thank you," you whispered to me
"This," I said to you with a smile
"This is love, isn't it?"

One night after the third bottle of wine
You told me we should pack our things
And leave before dawn
There would only be you and I
Between talks and soft-spoken kisses

Let us go to the seaside, I said
Have you ever seen those crashing waves?
They remind me of the days wasted away
And the promise of tomorrow's strength

But there are sharks and krakens!, you said
Underneath the deep blue of mystery
Make haste and he will come at you
And you will be nothing no more

Why do we not climb the mountains?, you asked
Surrounded by mist of white and blue
We are not kings and queens of the world
But merely creatures of His mercy

Something lurks between the trees!, I argued
Deadly eyes hungry for lost souls
They were once someone's lovers
And now they have succumbed into the dark

Another bottle of wine, poured and spent
Your eyes are the firewood amidst winter
Fingers trailing my cold pale arm
You have made up your mind for our journey

The beach it is!, you proclaimed to the world
When your eyes reached mine, I knew
For a second, that was no tipsy talk
Perhaps one day I will take you to the mountains

Swing me back and forth
Till I cease to exist
And all that you will find
Are the times you lost me

The suns of morning
And storms of yesterday
Are chasing me down
Into the edge of unknown

Are you ready for me, love?
I heard you were the dawn
A universe of your own
Come at me, then

You are within my sight
But this is my dream
So play by my rules
I am the queen of the Ivory Tower

Your heart is full of fire
Coal black but gentle as the moon
Your sun is fierce and full of grace
Are you mad at the way
The earth revolves around them?
Or is your soul yearning
For the stars that give life
To the endless summers?

A man can talk and share stories of his yearning and mad love and heartbreak and recovery and you would applaud him for showing vulnerability. He is being human, you would say. He is showing that even the strongest could feel deeply, you would say.

A woman can talk and share her stories of longing and being in love and heartbroken and eventually moving on to find the real true love and you would call her whiny and weak. You are supposed to be strong. Your life is not supposed to be defined by a man. Be tough.

Oh, yeah. We are so weak and sad and pathetic.

In the land of angels and demons
Most angels with the purest soul
Have the darkest demons
Inside their minds
Waiting for the right time
To trap you in your own head

Smiles
Laughter
Joy
Love
Kindness
Bliss
Warmth
Hugs
Kisses
Embrac­es
Flowers
Chocolates
Sunshine
Drizzle
Coffee
Tea
Touches
Whisper­s
Hope

There is so much for you to be grateful about.
Even if survival is your only goal today, pride yourself on that.
At the very least, you are strong enough to hold on.

Every once in a while
The moon finds her strength
To be reborn
Amidst the void
That the sun leaves behind
It is always a game
Of hide-and-seek between them
Never truly knowing
Who is hiding
And who is seeking

Had you been born as another
We would have gone to buy
Expensive coffee in the afternoon
We would have sit and talked
About the cyber crime
Or the new capitalism

Had you been born as another
We would have spent anniversaries
On vacations by the beach
We would have let the sun watch
As we kiss in an endless summer
Crashes of blue all ignored by us

Had you been born as another
We would have become liberals
Seeking the comfort of the Ivory Tower
We would have left the city
And let the stars be our guides
There is nothing money cannot buy

Had you been born as another
Would you have been just as unattainable
As you are now?

Had you been born as another
Would you have become the beautiful man
That I fell in love with?

I will say your name
Before I slip into the oblivion
I will say your name
Before I fall into the deep waters
I will say your name
Before I say my morning prayer
I will say your name
In every breath that I take
Until I become nothing

Driving to the city
Under the blazing lights
We stop at a little ice cream shop
Chocolate rocks for you
Strawberry kisses for me
You tell me about your parents
Your mother's secret recipe
I tell you about my dreams of flying
Dancing on the beach
All only for the blissful summer
And all of a sudden
Dusk has fallen upon us
The night no longer so dark
When your eyes light up my fire

Her hands slipping into somewhere
You would not dare think about
Her lips giving you life and death
Without any hint of mercy
Her eyes yearning for your gaze
Into the parts you have yet to know
The excitement of her skin
Will never contain your fears
And, ultimately, your grief

You lie on your stomach
And I sit upright on the mattress
We'd turn on the TV
You put on a movie
Something gory and violent
We'd laugh at the characters
And we'd analyze the plot
And you'd tell me a thing or two
About the corrupt bureaucracy
Or how money rolls in the court
We'd talk long after the movie is over
Perhaps I'd fall asleep first
So you hover over me
Thinking all the things
A gentleman is not supposed to
And doing all the things
A gentleman will do to his lady
Come the dawn and I'd find you
Arms around me, face of an angel
So I'd slip back into where I was
Take your scent into my lungs
Praying that this can be our forever

Promise me that you will build me
A sandcastle by the crashing blue
The way I promise you that I will
Kiss you amidst the clouds in the sky

Promise me that you will take me
To your parents' house on your birthday
The way I promise you that I will
Take you to my grandmother's grave

Promise me that you will keep your promises
Your fingers slowly undoing my mistakes
My prayers overcoming your false steps
This is my promise to you, I promise

In front of the flashing lights
We were arm in arm
Your boyish grin and my bashful blush
Perfectly frozen for everyone to see
It matters not what will happen
To the people that we are
As long as this becomes
My memory of you and I

Devour me like your guiltless pleasure
Do I fill up your energy like nothing else?
Head straight to the midlands now
If you have what it takes to take the wheel
Then break the boundaries that you made
Aren’t you a man of pride and dignity?
Prove your worth to the passers-by
Tell the kings and queens of old
We are not meant for swan songs

An apartment overlooking the city
Lazy Sundays, messed up sheets
Books here and there all over the room
Protein shakes and green tea
Your hands around my waist
My favorite T-shirt lost somewhere
Plans to have no plans for the day
Escaping whatever responsibility we have
Your hands fitting mine
What a perfect life

I will ask for nothing in return
Once you put your lips on mine
Your coal black heart on fire
With eyes made of winter storms
All I want is your hand in mine
And your poison against my skin

At night before we fall asleep
He tells me he is in love
Sometimes it is easy to believe it
But lately I cannot tell
If it is with me or merely a dream

If you look at me like that
I think you should say something
Like a nice little hello from an old friend
Or a nod or a smile from an old flame
I did not ask much and you know I never did
Only a time of your day for us to be at ease
And say the things that are better left unsaid
For we would rather be regretful than left wondering
Of a time and love that could have been
But simply never meant to be
If this is the game you want to play
Then count me in and I will play by your rules
Watch me as I spin and dance in disgrace
If I fall I will rise again from the ashes
I am more than the love you had for the sun

I can't write a poem. This is weird and surprising at the same time. And I'm happy that the reason I can't write is not because I'm utterly miserable. I am, in fact, incredibly happy.

I really should have believed it when people kept on saying that miracles take time, that God doesn't always answer your prayers exactly the moment you say them. I thank God everyday that I did not **** myself. In my darkest, most emotionally turbulent times, I thought about it again and again. I would wake up and look out the window of my room and think, "Will the fall **** me instantly or will it paralyze me?" I thank God everyday for allowing me to live and giving me this life, perhaps not perfect but ultimately a good one.

Too much joy and ecstasy
Would be the death of us
And I was too foolish
To ignore the warning signs

I'd choose you over her
Hell, I'd choose you over any other girl
You know what? I've always loved you
Somewhere within me
I know that you've never really left my mind
Perhaps that's the thing about us
We spent too long not talking to each other
But I always knew that if I could've been sure
I would've chased you down and asked
If you'd want to go out sometime
And I know we live different lives
But perhaps that's why you've always been
A great mystery to uncover
I've seen your faults and you've seen mine
Let me set things right now
Let me do what I should've done years ago
Would you like to have a quality time with me?

I need to be saved by someone else, otherwise I might just die.

You stood by the gates, with eyes wild like a lion's and a smile as gentle as a purr. There was never any deception, lies, or mess between us. You are crystal clear, and so am I.

We said our hellos and by the next minute, we were laughing as we are: old friends, long separated. You are the brightest, the dearest. Ease and tenderness, jokes and flirtations and laughter.

The years, apparently, have changed us into the version of ourselves that we need to be for each other. What a blessed, blissful time.

I am not your muse
Do you know what that means?
I am not the one
You dream of at night
I am not the one
You seek in your distress
I am not the one
You yearn for in loneliness

I am not your muse
Do you know what that means?
I am not a part of you

Whatever happened
To the boy I loved?
It seems he has gone away
Only to be replaced
By the man I have come to love
As it turns out
I like the man in you
Better than I ever did the boy

Once upon a time
A father loved his daughter
A mother fed her child
A writer recited his poetry
A musician wrote a song
A doctor saved a life
A singer healed broken hearts

Now those were no more
Than tales of a distant yesterday
Amidst smoke and ash
Buried under the sea of the dead

This is the me that I am
Lipstick and mascara on
Flirting and giggling
Eating soft ice cream
The world in my hands
The laughter is my song

This is the me that I am
Tangled up between the sheets
No words spoken
Just voices and silent screams
Crazy and desperate
For a little bit of hope

This is the me that I am
Smiling and singing my sorrows
While tending to others' wounds
Praying that somehow
When they get better
I will get better, too

We are all creatures of grief and despair
Some may recognize that these cracks and fractures
Are more like patterns of colors and delights
While some will look at them as shameful scars

My heart was once whole and fully intact
It has fallen and broken and shattered into small fragments
Most I managed to retrieve from the abyss of the unknown
Yet they cannot be made into the shape that it once was

The warmth of your embrace is now dead as winter
But time betrays not the believing soul
For while I mourn for the loss of a stone-cold heart
The sun will rise again, once more, and you will heal, too, someday

I write about you
In the back of my hand
On the margins of my notebook
Between the lines of the day's lecture

I write about you
When the morning sun reminds me
Of all the times that have been in vain
And of all the kisses I wish I could give you

I write about you
Because you are somewhere out there
And all that I am left with
Is the memory of whatever we might have had

If ever you loved me
Then I pray to God above
That you will wake up one night
With the memory of my voice
Echoing inside your head

If ever you loved me
Then I pray to God above
That the next time you see
A turquoise rose on display
You would remember my lips

If ever you loved me
Then I pray to God above
That the next girl you fall in love with
Can never kiss you or love you
The way I did with my soul

If ever you loved me
Then you will know
That you lost me

You show me the effects of seeing the world only as a cruel, dark, unhappy place.
You show me what can happen to someone who treats others with little care
You show me how protecting your loved ones can eventually suffocate them
You show me how far insensitivity and anger can get you
You show me the importance of having a kind, gentle heart
You show me the value of being compassionate and considerate
You show me everything a person should be
By being someone whose grip is too strong to be calming
By being a cold, unhappy soul who does not want to attempt any tenderness
You were supposed to be my first love
But now I see you with a heavy heart
Yes, I love you
But that doesn't mean I do not feel anger

Do you love me?*

Which answer would you like, the truth or the lie?

I think I am abusing this platform for random scribbles and musings instead of actually writing poetry but you know what? This is my page, so might as well do what I want.

Last night I had a very long chat with my platonic partner. He has been my best bro since high school and we know each other more than anyone else -- and no, we are not gonna be romantic.

We talked about our personal lives, love, mistakes, and all of that. I asked him all sorts of things and he told me everything. I related to him my stories and my current situation. What is funny is that after all this time, we both still have a Robin. Do you know what a Robin is?

A Robin is someone you love or have feelings for that you will never truly forget; someone whom you believe will make you the happiest. What I want to stress is a Robin is not real. It is born out of an infatuation, admiration that we perceive as love. A Robin is an idealized version of a partner, not a realistic one. A Robin, ultimately, is just a fantasy.

He talked about still finding his Robin very beautiful and attractive; he also admitted that he does not know his Robin very much. I am, God willing, meeting my Robin in a few days while he is in town. I still think him an interesting, attractive person, but I only understand him so much. I understand that he would have made me happy but I wouldn't have made him happy. I know the kind of person that he is and I know he won't be happy with me -- romantically.

Then, my platonic partner and I talked about feelings. About the "real deal". About how to tell if someone is in love. It is funny because he understands what it means when other people see an attachment without us having to explain anything. Something similar happened to him. When you have feelings, you look at someone differently. For me, though? When I have feelings, I start keeping his name to myself. That is why I still don't always tell my friends about his name; even the ones who already know his name will always find me referring to him with an alias or just "him". I believe in names. Name-dropping someone too much can de-value the relationship, so I want his name to be mine to say, when we are together, when I am half-asleep next to him.

I am incredibly happy. We are still learning to keep up with each other's pace and to adjust with each other's character. But you know what? It's fine. It totally is. All I want is to sing him a lullaby and fall asleep in his arms.