-So what do you feel?

I just can’t get rid of this feeling lodged so deep inside of me, which tells me that:
“I need to be seen as someone in front of people’s eyes”
It’s unfathomable. It’s too difficult. It’s beyond me.
Like a black cloud it’s hovering on top of me.

-What are your thoughts right now?

Time is ticking away and all I seem to realize is that,
“Life is getting harder than what I have ever previously thought”.
You have to decide right now, whichever way you need to go.

-And, what are your options?

You either choose to stop whining, quit complaining,
Sit your *** down and get to work in order to,
Achieve your dreams, improve yourself, and actualize your potential
And fulfill your destiny or,

-Or?

You get comfortable with who you are, what you have,
What you do and where you are and that’s it.
It’s your choice to make.

-Exactly. Thank you very much. That’ll do for today.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of his living room’s mirror.
His own reflection was staring back at him.

Mesmerized by his self’s own image-re-presentation as he was.
Wanting to see himself through an-other’s perspective.
Desiring to be seen as somebody else.
He went on to become one with the famous imago.

In an endless arms race, an endless metonymy, drifting as it is called,
He tried to achieve the unachievable.
He tried to attempt the impossible.
He wanted to do the non-doable.

Always, from a young age, feeling inadequate and insecure.
Because he deemed himself incapable of stretching his own existence,
To make it fit with the family’s ideals.

So he spent the rest of his life trying to be recognized as something.
As something which he wasn’t at all? Yes. (How tragic. How sad.)
That left him with nothing but rage, hopelessness and despair.
A bipolar marionette of somebody Else’s deadly painful pleasure.

Powerless as he was, he went on living while construing ******* solutions.
So that he could just "get by". A coward hiding behind somebody Else’s wants.
And then one day having said to everybody, everything that made him upset, he left this place.
He never came back.

I've watched you countless nights and days.
Don't know your name but seen your face.
I've seen you cry and smile and laugh.
You are the One, my better half.

I know your likes your shoulds and wants.
Your musts, your wonts, your oughts and donts.
Your dreams and fears, your tears and hopes.
Your ups and downs, your slippy slopes.

I've heard you breathe, choke up and sigh.
Listed the things that make you cry.
I've watched you work, and rest and sleep.
I've felt your pain like bones deep.

To you I 'm not a that or this.
I won't be a thing you'll ever miss.
A mystery only is what I am.
For you I'm none I'm just a ****.

I’ve been searching for my life’s purpose for a couple of years and let me tell you this.
The only thing that I’ve discovered is that:
“There are no lights, music and fireworks for us, buddy, in the land of self-development”

No lofty aspirations to be realized.
Nor shiny kick *** careers to be given attention to.
NO SUCH LUCK.

The only thing that exists is kind of pessimistic albeit genuine.
As far as I know, it is your only chance of doing anything.
“Only the principle of minimum effort rules the underworld that’s lodged deep within our heads”
(The voice said)

Again the voice spoke. (This time with a much more demanding tone)
“Do the least you can do and do it well”
“For there is no place for underachievers like you here in OUR domain”

Moments of agony, desperation
and inarticulate screams
moments I lost myself in space, alienation
don't you abandon me too, please!

There were moments that I saw death
and destruction
moments where my heart stopped for a while
to function..

All the world is spinning like crazy,
don't know what to do
while the thoughts in my head are racing
and I seem like a fool.

There is no one around here to save me
i feel alone
oh my God the demons come running across my mind, don't hate me!
to desperation I am prone,
I 'm feeling sick to the bone,
into a man I have not grown,
all I can do is shout and moan.

I am a freak, that’s what I am. That’s all I am and all I’ll ever be. (I have to embrace it)
Haven’t you been told so? Haven’t you been warned?? Huh???
A rebel from birth. A mental, emotional and spiritual abomination, I pray upon my physical appearance.
Whilst making my image rot from the inside out and from the outside in.

I’m going through phases of my own. I have dark times myself too. Very DARK.
I hate the very sight of this world. I have taken on monsters at times and they've beat me. This time for good.
I can’t take this anymore. I can’t go through this another day, another hour, another minute, another second.
It seems that all I ever do is done in vain. Nothing’s really going to change. Nothing will ever get better.

I’ll end up getting killed by my own stubbornness. By my own rebellious stance and natural lack of self-control.
They say free will does not exist and I agree. We are human-machines in a mechanical universe.
Our fate has been decided. Long time ago. By gods who were unjust. Disgusting. Immoral
How do you expect me to be perfect in a world who has only showed me its ugly face?

Wandering through life without any purpose. Without any kind of cause. Without a calling of some sort.
How am I supposed to rise among the world of men and women and win against them? Like this? Weak?? Defeatist mindset on the go???
I’m so sick of people at the same time. I want to **** everybody. I detest every living being and life itself.
I hate to go on living. I just have to accept that my life will carry on being a shitstorm, like this from now and on.

Who the **** made me like this?? Who messed me up so badly?? Who did it??? ****! (Crying)
Somebody ****** me up real good! Some people ****** me up for life! I want to find out.
And the best revenge would be for them to be annihilated! For life! Yeah! That would be good!
Stupid imbeciles. I hate you. They time will come for when I’m going to rise from this restorative sleep of mine and then you’ll see for yourself. Who the **** am I!

Will this fight ever stop man? I’m tired of going against the grain. Swimming against the river.
Tell me, Oh wise man, what have you learned from life? Is it worth the effort? The pain? The tears??
I don’t know if I’ll ever win this game. Again I don’t know where I’m going or what I want out from all of this? Where do I stand in all of this madness???
Maybe I just need to let all hell to break loose and let go of inhibitions and rules. To imbue my body and actions with the eternal magic, of my darkest self.

There is no reason anymore,
for us to be together.
I count my footsteps till the door,
my neck feels strangled by a tether

It’s getting difficult to breathe,
my vision blurs all of a sudden,
I get so anxious bite my teeth,
I feel as though I’m in the oven.

You stay still and just surrender,
as I fall and hurt myself.
Feeling as if I’m the offender,
how can you just forgive yourself?

You told me lies you’ve set up plots,
Scenarios movies dramas and films.
You’ve tied my heart in endless knots,
you’ve stitched my wounds with endless quilts.

It will be so hard to forgive you,
but I will give it my biggest shot.
Won’t even try to just deceive you,
this is the lesson that you’ll be taught.

"The mind is fathomless."

The world is rough enough, I can’t take it no more.
I’m not that tough you know, I guess I never was to be honest.
My soul is weak to the point of me being overwhelmed by agony.
My future’s bleak, the same as it was back in my childhood days or so I’d like to say.

So scarred am I by life by life events. I cannot even count how many there really were.
But I don’t want to complain. Even the best of soldiers have the ugliest of scars.
Wounded by swords. Wounded by arrows. Wounded by love. That’s the battlefield of today.
Those are the things you have to go through is order to survive. In order to “go on living.”

I fight alone. I fight my own battles. I fight my own wars.
To save my own. Meaning, my memories and my emotions.
I lost my breath today while fighting. That has never happened to me again.
Gosh I’m as scared of death, to death and by death, for as long as I can remember.

To God I speak loudly and clear but it seems to me that..
He’s deaf indeed, I cannot even hear his voice. Maybe it’s too late for me to believe.
True love I seek but will I ever find true love? I don’t think so..
A lover’s plead to the stars, that’s what every beat of my heart is really whispering.

I don’t know what the world is asking from me, I really don’t.
Sometimes I just wish to be left fully alone. I have nothing more to give.
I don’t know if all I want is to want or to not want. But isn’t that a desire in itself?
Will I live forever??? Please say to me that I get to live forever.

Many times when people get to find who you really are, they..
They tend to run away from you as fast as they can, maybe..
Maybe it’s vanity to desire perfection and to strive for ideals.
Maybe all that you really need to do is to just, to just, to simply…LIVE.

Only open your heart to someone who really cares,
And for sure don’t give your heart “just like that” to strangers..
They will use it and abuse it just like the rest of the world will.
Without caring, without any compassion, without any remorse

You are not the only person to be alive you know
(I guess that is my antidote, my cure for selfishness)
You are not the only one who has a right to experience things.
(I know) Yeah but you don’t seem to change your mindset/behavior at all.

It seems to me as though sometimes the whole of reality is just like a big movie
Everybody is playing their role. Unaware that they themselves, are being played too
Forever ****** to want to be somebody else. Denying themselves.
Don’t you see that sometimes too? I mean the movie part of it all?

(Now, tell me, just tell me, what is the secret to living a long, happy and fulfilling life?)
To not care about what others think but to trust them with your life without any second thought.
You see, that was a contradiction because I always tend to speak that way.
I’m elusive, I’m opposed to myself but also united. Fragmented and whole. I am the all-encompassing, ever eternal, [BROKEN & glued again] mirror of life!

I don’t know what the truth is. I guess the only thing that’s true is..
Searching for truth. That is the only “true” path of life. I believe so that it is at least.
And you? What’s your Truth? What’s the truth that you are after? Huh?
Money? Fame? ***? Love? Companionship? God? Or the smell of the essences of the very deep recesses of your own mind’s unconsciousness?

I don’t know if I was always like this.. A deep thinker.
Pondering about mine and other people’s existence for far more than it is “necessary”.
Stretching thought to its very own limits. Letting, leading, and teaching my mind into taking more than it can “actually” take.
I think that’s is my mission here. To find, realize and then express to people, the finer truths of this world. And to rid them. Of their mystery.

That – I believe- is the only thing that matters. Unite the contradictions in yourselves.
And maybe, maybe you will only find that NONE of them, really existed at all.
It’s been my life’s work to try and find words to express the inexpressible.
Attaining the unattainable. Realizing the un-realizable. Touching upon the very elusive “thing-ness” of this world. And yet still up to today, it escapes me.

My whole life is a mistake.
A sweet oath of tyranny.
A true ode to sadness.

My whole life is a mistake.
A mythology of heroes unseen.
A toy for the Gods to play with.

My whole life is a mistake.
A constant attempt for recognition, from my own reflection, looking back at me.
A successful act of failure.

My whole life is a mistake.
Lyrics on a melody of death.
Symphonies of chaos and disorder.

My whole life is a mistake.
A continuous and superfluous demand for personal over-achievement.
A strong and definite craving for love and affection.

My whole life is a mistake.
My whole life is..
A mistake.

"Who am I deep down?"
I 'm thinking to myself.
And age old question
that echoes through my mind

Am I just my body
or am I merely just my thoughts?
Or am I maybe the conscience
that's runs throughout my brain?

I 'm asking without end
yet the answer can't be found
and in the silence I can hear
somebody whisper in my ear:

"I hope someday you find this out
the answer as to who you really are
may the mystery just shrivel
and only then you"ll find your peace."

I lay here,
all alone.
Going on,
with you still gone.

Holding tears back,
from my own face.
I can call home now,
just any place.

I 'm such a mess,
you don't appear.
There's so much stress,
it's been a year.

Where are you,
most likely to be?
I ask for you!
But your face I cannot see.

And I still lay here,
crippled by fear,
and you 're still somewhere.
this isn't fair.

I never thought I´d miss you so
and that I´d cry late at night
I never thought I´d be alone
and that you´d go out of sight

So many aches that haven´t passed
So many tears I haven´t shed
I was your first you were my last
our love was but a broken thread

And you seem able to move on
making new friends, laughing out loud
forgetting me before the dawn
can´t help but think my sadness out

And I have stayed still for days
still haven't eaten, drunk or smoked
and in my mind I see your face
and in my sighs I feel being choked

When will this martyrdom just stop?
when will my grief just cease to appear?
As I go on this huge hilltop,
will all my suffering get clear?

The nights are long and dark
my tears are cold as snow
my heart's being torn apart
my soul has ceased to flow

Her words like sharpened knives
her eyes like candle flames
her smile as always hides
and brings forth thousand pains

Suffering endlessly I am
screaming at God for my mistakes
praying for change at last to come
as I am healing all of my aches

I never took us seriously
I thought of love as being a game
it all was gone so beautifully
oh baby its such a shame

This is the only thing I ask
I want your heart to just be whole
don't worry bout me I 'm in the past
I will no longer burn your soul.

I 've seen all her ways
and tasted her red lips
got burned by her gaze
got lost in her lovely mist

Cold like the winter rain
Hot as a summer breeze
Sweet like a heart blood-stained
and bitter as a lemon squeezed

She never said she loved me
but I always knew inside
Deep in her soul she wants me
even though she likes to hide

And as the night slowly falls
my love for her awakes
under the sheets my guilt still crawls
making me think of my mistakes.

All that I feel is lots of sorrow,
all I that I want is just to sleep.
And in nostalgia I wallow,
and so my inner voice is strict.

The days go by but feel like years,
the torture's slow and has no end.
And from the depths I bring those fears,
that you 'll be gone and I won't mend.

I'm trying so hard not to cry,
but empty I feel as though I'm dead.
I ask a thousand times "why?",
but all I hear is tears being shed.

Help me to find again my spark
help me in seeing the good in evil.
Don't want no more to be in the dark
assist me in my soul's retrieval.

My heart hates you so much my beloved.
Yet the whole of my soul still needs you terribly.
We are so ******* far apart, ******* it.
Your love is taking such a toll on me.

I’d kiss you to death if I only had the chance to do so,
I’d made love to you until you wouldn’t want to anymore
I’d hug you until you couldn’t breathe even if you chose to do so
I’d make you miss me so much that you couldn’t stand it.

I chase our memories until exhaustion every day,
Needless to say it seems impossible to take you out of my mind.
Your touch has been lodged so deep inside of me.
It seems so uncanny that I can’t separate you from myself.

Whenever I try to move on and build my life again.
You just seem to magically appear in front of me all of a sudden,
Destroying at once any sort of hope of me finding love again.
Leaving me alone to wonder in the corridors of my own mind.

I’d die for you a hundred deaths and I’d fight and win for you a thousand battles.
I’d make a deal with the devil only to deceive him at the end
I would sell my soul to him to just get a moment of eternity with you even in hell (it would seem like heaven)
Even though you wouldn’t go out with me for coffee, tea or for a meal.

I know that I’m only gaining your pity from all of this indeed.
Maybe I’m not worthy of your love or even your attention.
What pains me so much is that you won’t even hate me for God’s sake.
So that much I’m indifferent to you after all that we’ve been through? After all of this??

It is my destiny to go through a love like this.
Doomed and ****** forever to never to be with the one I truly want
I just hope one day that you change your mind before it’s too late
So you can come and save me from death with a kiss of yours

I just ******* miss you I freaking miss us so much…****!..
I have no other choice other than to wait for you my beloved
Even if it takes me an eternity I will wait for you my red colored, egg shaped, thorn covered rose.
I‘ll wait for you, until the ashes of what used to be my brain and heart once, disappear, forever lost into oblivion.

For simply
I have no
Other
Choice.

I want someone to come and save me.
I wish for someone to come and save me from myself.
I hope that someone comes and saves me. I hope.

Cause I’m my self’s worst enemy.
Cause I can be my own nemesis.
But not my own savior. Not that. That I cannot be.

I cannot be Him. I don’t believe. Don’t know how to.
To be honest I never learned how to do so.
Faith. That’s what’s been missing from my life all along.

Intellectual by nature. A child of science. A lazy philosopher chatting mindlessly endlessly about anything.
A mixture of perverse logic coupled with an over-the-fence sexuality.
That’s who I am. That IS my history. An animal of society. Someone out of control.

Some nights, I lay here waiting God to take my soul as I drift to sleep.
And others I make a mess out of myself and of others through my outrageous behavior.
Never being sensible. Always a step beyond what other people think of me. Surprise! Gotcha.

Things got so messed up for me since the day I was born here. Trauma. Confusion. Questions. Crisis.
Don’t know who I am. Don’t know who I want to be. Don’t know anything.
Who can solve the everlasting mystery of my life if not me?? Exactly. Nobody can and nobody will.

I have no destination or grounding point in life. I’m so lost. Oh God help me!
Don’t know how to put the leftover pieces of my broken self, back together again.
I’m ****** to live a life of misery and a life of mystery. An endless dark meaningless (I’m tempted to say) black hole in my heart surrounded by supernovas and neutron stars.

Who can fix me? Who can put me back together? Who can make me feel whole again?
Cause I don’t know a **** thing. I never knew. Even if my mouth moved a lot in the past.
Now who can save me? Does anybody can? Do you? Huh? I’m talking to you brother!!

“I can and will save you. My child you have no other option but to walk the righteous path once again.
You will see. You will begin to breathe again. You will begin to feel alive once again.
You will at last get to know how it is to be a part of this marvelous universe”

Empty promises! Hollow words! Half-hearted remnants of an old man’s monologue!!
Who are you to speak my destiny? God?? Show yourself! You imbecile!
How do you dare to question the tentacle-like hands that mother fate has put on my predetermined future???

I never was anybody! I am not anybody! I ‘m just nobody and I don’t want to be something more!
My existence gets verified by my low self-esteem. I want nothing more. This is enough for me!
Leave me alone! There’s only one thing I hope though. “I hope that someone finds me and saves me before it’s too late.”

They said that sensitive people are kind of softy, messed up and weak.
And the world unfortunately has bought into it.
People think it’s somehow much cooler to be insensitive.
So society pushed thoughtful and sentimental individuals to the side.

They labeled us abnormal, crazy, and autistic and neurotics.
Look! They’re even pointing us with their fingers saying:
“Look at them! They give too much attention to the thoughts, feelings, self-talk and psychological impressions and ideas.”
Said the narcissist who checks their Facebook 24/7 for likes and comments on their profile photo.

It’s time like these where I lose my faith on people and God and even existence itself!
Everything seems meaningless, pointless, exhausting. I have to drag my body every day to work even!
It’s times like these where I don’t know what to really say or do.
And in moments like this one my intuition takes over and I begin to fashion narratives to mask my mind’s incomprehensible agony, pain and torture.

Though what’s different is that at nights my body sleeps safe and sound.
But my conscience awakens from the dark and punishes me for my mistakes. Mistakes that I haven’t spoken of yet.
It’s weird to be a human subject. To exist. It is the strangest mystery of all.
To live. To love. To ache. To eat. To speak. To cry. To think. Human life is a miracle! Life itself is freaking miracle man.

I was using my feelings all along
Emotional by nature
A helpless hopeless romantic

You were using logic and reason
Rational by choice
A soldier trained to always be strict and to never feel.
The exact opposite of me.

I know I must pretend again. Just one more time.
I ought to show you indifference. Even though you were the first to admit that..
That I’m nothing to you. Just a piece of charcoal among burned trees.
A nothing. A nobody. A foreigner.

From the darkest of souls, arose the sweetest of syllogisms.

Hurting was never so bad
Love never meant to be that hard
I can’t stand seeing you anymore
Forget you I must forevermore

It’s gon be so hard but I will
Erase you from my soul that’s ill
And if I fail and you’re on top
My very heartbeat I shall stop.

And dead I ‘ll lay down on the floor
As death has never felt so sure
And you alone shall roam the earth
Not saddened by my own death

There will  be no happy end
No heart that’s ever gonna mend
Our love will be a lonely star
Shining above you from afar.