I’m only supposed to live until 27
27
I am already 21
That means I have 6 years left
6 years feels like so many more lifetimes
Only 23% survive
Am i strong enough to be in the 23%?
I don’t think i am
Nothing is helping
I tell people the meds help
But i’m lying to them just as much as myself
This is a deadly disease
It destroys your mind and your body

I’m not sure how i really feel
I never am
That’s the curse of infatuation
The curse of mental illness
The curse of saying you love hard
When in reality you don’t know what love feels like
I’ve never seen true love
But i am a master in manipulation
I know exactly how to get what i need
But you can’t manipulate your way into love
I’ve tried
I’ve mimicked their mannerisms
Become someone i thought they’d want to love
But i’ve never been enough
Despite ripping myself apart
Over and over again
I’m left with pieces of confetti floating away after the last song of a concert
And i don’t know how to pick up my bits and pieces anymore
So i keep finding the next infatuation
Hoping they will grab a broom and help me
Or at least slow the wind from blowing me away
But i’m always left crying in my bed
Wondering what i could have done differently
Never considering maybe i wasn’t the issue
Because if i have destroyed myself for others
if refuse to believe my work was in vain
The curse of mental illness and trauma
Makes the victim believe they must be at fault
And if they would have been better or different it wouldn’t have happened to them
Otherwise you run the risk of becoming cold and hard
Because how can you ever trust again when people are capable of such cruelty?

I am not built for peace
I was raised in war
It is where i find comfort
So looking for peace in love
Is like looking for water in the desert
Yet i still crave peace
I just don’t know how to live in it

How do you live in such a contradiction

How can one know what they actually want

do you know how ****** life is?
it is a bunch of people who don't trust
who are so ******* broken and bruised
who are trying to love each other
despite the pain of the past
but getting hurt over and over
turning to suicide as the only option

i tried turning there

an ode to my soundcloud rapper.
it's 1:30 am on a wednesday night
i should be doing my homework or sleeping

i'm supposed to surprise you friday at work
but
you sent me a snapchat a few hours ago
that has me spinning to hard to drive the 4 hours home to you
"i'm sorry for trespassing on your heart. you just aren't as spiritually mature as the woman i am going to be with needs to be"
and then you went to bed
well actually
you opened my response an hour later
and then
ignored me
i just wanted to hear your voice one last time
is that so awful?

no it isn't
what is awful
is that you said you wanted to marry me
and that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life
you said that women deserve to be treated like queens and that's how you would treat me.
when i told my best friend that, she just looked at me and i could see the pitty in her eyes. when she spoke, i didn't hear the words so much as i heard the underlying warning, comforting, anger, fear, sadness.
"he sounds like a stupid *** soundcloud rapper"
"no" i said "he is a good Christian guy. he wants to treat me right."


i know you think you are speaking life into people's lives. i know you don't care how much it hurts them. but you should. i am not going to change for you. i am changing for myself. so that when you see me years from now, you can see that i grew through your toxicity. that it was simply a stepping stone. so, thank you for helping me realize even more warning signs. and for finally making me realize i should never apologize for standing up for myself. no matter how many people i lose along the way. goodbye until later.

my dad loves me when i go to the gym

says i need to get skinnier

gets me weight loss vitamins

he doesn't understand

i try to be understanding of his lack of understanding

instead i stop eating and say it is the gym

i see him proud when i lose weight

i only see myself getting fatter

i am in so much pain

my whole world is spinning all the time

i tried to take up nicotine to help

it isn't

i tried to drink all my problems away

and now i fight the urge every day

i'm trying to get better

but ******* it it feels impossible

when no one is in your corner

when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain

but no one understands that

because that is just something most people do without thinking about

so when you say getting up is hard, they call you lazy

so you start to think you are just a lazy ******* who needs to do better

then they ask why you are always in a sweatshirt

why you never do your makeup

why your hair is always a mess

why your eyes are puffy

why you killed yourself

why you didn't talk to anyone

why you didn't get help

why you ended it all



- what if i take all my pills?

everyone has movies that comfort them
mine is "as above so below"
it makes no sense and that's why i love it so much
i watch it every night
a group of people are lost in the catacombs under paris
and terrifiying things keep happening and they keep dying
i think i compare it to my life
and i like a reason to fear something else than my reality

if you want to go, then go
but do not make me feel as though it is my fault
simply apologize and gracefully back away
do not first break me down to nothing
and then burn what is left
your issues and lies are not my fault
so i will be the one to gracefully leave
if you want to see me
then i will wait for you to call
but i will not reach for you first
i did it for too long
it is your turn to feel alone
i'm not spiteful
simply fair
you believe yourself to be the judge
let me be the executioner

i need to stop lying to myself if i'm going to survive.
or maybe that is how i've survived for so long.
one thing i know for sure.
is that i don't know anything.
my world is spinning again.
but maybe i do this because i am more comfortable in the spinning chaos.
might i add the lonely chaos.
i was trusting again.
you were safe.
i thought you were at least.
but i thought the others were safe too.
now i don't trust anyone.

i'm surprising you in 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds.
you have 4 days 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to finally realize i am not who you want
or who you deserve
i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to prepare myself
for you to leave

i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to stop overthinking

you're gone and i'm done counting

be gentle with yourself
but also be gentle with those around you

they don't understand why getting up is so hard
they don't understand why you can't sleep at night

but they are trying
and they love you

so i was writing a poem about my depression
and it made me ******* depressed and today was a good day
******* it. i was just trying to explain what depression is like

how do you explain nothing?

everything is so cloudy
i can't think straight
i can't focus on anything
all of my heartbreaks circle through my head
screaming at me
banging drums
shattering silence and peace
whispering doubts
searing self-hate into my mind.

I write to try and make all of this vanish
but it only makes it worse.

I live in many universes.
See all sides of an issue.
I am a dichotomy of a person.

Can you even be a person if you are a dichotomy?

when i told you the only thing i could keep down was chocolate milk,
you said get over it

when i said i hated eating
you said "well you can't be anorexic because you aren't 'gross skinny'"

when i tell you these things it is a cry for help
please hear me

today i was reading my sociology textbook
and listening to a spotify station from a song that already had memories associated with someone i care about who left me
then
an even more relatable song came on
and i spiraled
hard
i thought about ending it again
i went to a friends dorm so i wouldn't be alone
but i left and spiraled again
i hope i can sleep before 2 am
whenever i have an exam in the morning something bad happens the night before

do you know what really ******* hurts?
he used to cry to me
and i had to tell him i couldn't see him anymore
because i can't trust him anymore
and i can't keep letting people back in who have broken me so badly
after promising that they would be the ones to fix me
isn't that ******?
that i have to hurt someone to fix myself?
even though it hurts so bad telling that person that i can't see them

"we can't even be in the same room"
Cuz I’ll make myself feel all of this
If it’s all that I got left of you"

i ******* miss you so much Caleb
and i hear all of our friends rave about how much they love you
and all it does is shatter me over and over
you aren't a bad guy
it is just an unfortunate situation
and even worse timing
i'm sorry i can't be there for you anymore
i hope it doesn't hurt too bad
i hope you understand
i hope you can forgive me
please stop loving me so i can stop loving you
if that's even possible
i don't think i'll ever stop loving you
but then i wonder if i ever loved you as more than just friends
and that hurts even worse
i had the chance to make you mine
and now i don't even have you in my life

i hope she is good to you
you deserve the world
one day you will be happy
i have to believe that
i have to believe you will be okay without me
because i am trying to be okay without you
i have to be okay without you
i have to be okay some day
i just have to be
i miss the old me and i am desperately trying to get her back
i will love myself again one day

i hate explaining what my depression feels like to other people
because i know they are trying to understand
but how do you explain something that you barely understand
that would be like asking a toddler to teach a calculus class

so here is my attempt at explaining my depression

i have good days and bad days
the good days are a lazy person's normal days
today was a good day
i did my hair and makeup
i went to all three of my classes
i ate lunch
i washed my dishes
i went to therapy
i took a nap
i watched youtube
i went to a friends to watch a movie
i ordered pizza
i did homework
i told myself good job after every single one of these things
i told myself i was proud and that i was doing amazing and that it is ok that everything is hard
but everyday i wake up is a step in the right direction
but not all days are good days
yesterday was a bad day
i got up late
went to class
then laid in bed from 9 until my friend came to my room and forced me to eat lunch at 2
then i got back in bed until he came back at 6 and held me while i cried
but bad days don't always look like that
sometimes a bad day is me starting at my bottle of pills and crying while my roomate is asleep

you called me at 3am
i'm guessing you just wanted to keep it light because that is who you are
but
we ended up talking about life
primarily my life
how my mind tells me to die
yet my body fights to live
I'm sorry the conversation ended up there
but it always does with me
because that is who I am
I am not defined by my mental illness but it has made me who I am
I hope you can love me for every part of me
because others have tried and left
i don't want you to leave too

when social media was created everyone said it would be great

that it would help people connect so much more

but honestly i feel more disconnected than ever

yeah i met a guy on tinder

i really like him

but

you can't really get to know someone just by texting them

today is just about hookups

but i want connection

is that so much to ask for?

you now that gut-wrenching, soul leaving your body, existence being shattered type of pain?
the pain that keeps you up at night no matter how fully and totally exhausted you are?
when you're body is just screaming for some rest.
rest that it hasn't gotten in 4 years.
because you can not shut off your mind
so you start drinking and smoking, thinking it will make it better.
but nothing makes it better.
in fact, everything you try seems to only make it worse.
and you just want to be done.
you think that the only way you can possibly find rest is in death.
you think about dying all the time.
your therapist makes you fill out a form every time you see her.
the question that always gets you is "What is your risk of suicide?"
I always put low, but if i'm being honest, it is high.
I should be in an institution because everyday i think "taking all my pills wouldn't be that bad"
every day i just want to collapse and cry until i don't wake up.
you know that crying in movies?
the seemingly overdramatic crying where the girl is sitting in her car and screaming?
that. that is what it feels like in my head all the time.
i struggle to cry because if someone hears me, i'm afraid they would call the cops
it is the kind of screaming you were hear when someone's heart is ripped from their chest
the screaming of someone so broken that it is the only thing that can make them feel again

when people ask what depression is like, what do you say?

because i am struggling with how to tell someone i feel nothing and everything all the time. that one minute i feel on top of the world and the next i want the world to swallow me whole. how do you tell someone you think about killing yourself everyday but that they shouldn't worry because if you haven't done it the last 300 times you thought about it, you won't do it today. how do you tell someone that you're sad but that some days your sad is a cry for help, and others it is just your reality. how do you tell someone that laying in bed all day feels like too much work. how do you explain to a happy person that you have to tell yourself good job for brushing your teeth. how do you tell your mother that her little girl has thought about suicide more times than she can count. how do you shatter your mothers world on your bad day and then tell her you are ok on your good day? how do you explain the difference between bad and good days?

how do you tell someone that you don't like that you cry every day but you don't know how to not. that you aren't happy that you're sad, but you're happy that it helped you grow to be stronger. because i am stronger, right? or maybe i just tell myself that because it helps? no. i am strong. i'm strong because i didn't crash my car into the tree going 100 like i planned to. i'm strong because i didn't swallow all of my pills like i planned to. i'm strong because i got up this morning. i'm strong because i am alive. i am strong because i am writing this.


- you are strong for breathing and i love you

please be gentle with yourself

you are doing your best

i am proud of you for waking up this morning

do you know what hurts?
watching someone who you thought was your forever
spend his forever with someone else

i had a dream
the details are foggy
all i remember is a man coming close to me and me being terrified and screaming for him to stay away from me and the people around me not understanding why i was scared

i'm always scared

*******
for everything you said to me
all the dreams you told me
all the lies you fed me
disguised as caring
i knew from the beginning who you were
but i refused to see it
i refused to see the flashing red lights and the blaring sirens
now the only lights i see are the ones on the ambulance
the sires pulsing in my ears
the medics screaming for me to hold on
i am slipping in and out of consciousness
and you don't even care
*******

i finally lost [some of] it
but 15 isn't enough
i want 115
i want to shrink away
into nothingness
i want to stop feeling
all of this pain
i don't want to keep doing this
and losing it is the easiest way

Are you're doing it in a healthy way?
Are you watching what you eat?

Yeah.. That's why I didn't have a bun with dinner.

What I didn't tell her is that watching what I eat means
watching what i would normally eat sit on the shelf
watching what i would normally eat go to others
watching what i would normally eat shrink off my body

She says I've gotten smaller
My coworkers say I've gotten smaller

I don't see it

When someone asks if I've eaten I just avoid the topic or say I've had enough

If someone is concerned I laugh and say "I'm back on my anorexic *******"

“I’m sad.”
“Why?”
“She gets more likes on Instagram than I do.”

“I’m happy.”
“Why?”
“I have a bed to sleep on.”

“I’m sad.”
“Why?”
“My parents won’t buy me a car.”

“I’m happy.”
“Why?”
“I have food today.”

I love you
But you will never know
Because I am too afraid
Of myself
Messing it up again
So I won't
Tell you.

Not yet.
Maybe one day.
Maybe one day
You will see it.

Maybe one day
We could be together.

i’m afraid
you’ll find me
crazy
for loving you
too hard
too fast
too much
i want you
to know
all my thoughts
but i’m scared
you’ll run

Sweetheart you need to be have a flatter stomach
Put down that soda pop
Or one day it will make you pop
Put down those puff pastries
Or one day they will make you the Pillsbury Dough-girl.
Take up crunches and sit-ups
And just ignore when your body screams for food
Take up ******* in and waist trainers
And just ignore that ******* in all day weakens your muscles pushing you further from your ideal

Hey good lookin’ you’d be prettier if you had smaller thighs
Stop eatin’ them donuts
They turnin’ you too dough
Stop ordering your pizzas in larges
They turnin’ you large
Start doing some squats
Just ignore your back screaming in pain
Start running sum more
Just ignore that bigger thighs mean a lower risk of heart disease and premature death

And a simple request from everyone else: make sure your hair always looks like a girl from a movie, that your skin is flawless, you dress perfectly, are always happy, smiling constantly, have an aesthetically pleasing Instagram, be in an adorable relationship, know all the newest music and shows

You know what

just be perfect
but
not to perfect


-love society

mov•ie
\ ˈmü-vē \

noun

1.a story represented in motion pictures/motion : noun : mo·tion : \ ˈmō-shən \ : an act, process, or instance of changing place/forward, backward, up, down, pacing, running, crawling/how we flee from our lives, our problems, our responsibilities/instead of focusing on motion we look to pictures/picture : noun : pic·ture :  \ ˈpik-chər \ : a design or representation made by various means/click, zoom, import, export/our lives are on a flash drive, on a snapchat, on an instagram, on a memory card/everywhere but on our own memories/we don’t like pictures either/they show moments never to be regained from our past/our solution?/combine them into something better/movie : verb : mov·ie :  \ ˈmü-vē \ : an escape from reality/we use movies to deflect the pain of our lives/we think that we watch because we are bored/no/we watch to escape/escape : verb :  es·cape : /əˈskāp/ : a recording of moving images that tells a story and that people watch on a screen or television.

There are rivers everywhere
many are just out of sight.
    The ground is told to be ashamed
    for the home it gives these rivers.
          Because of that
          the ground tries to hide it’s rivers.
              The ground covers its imperfections
              with anything it can.
          It covers these rivers not because they aren’t beautiful
          but because they have ravaged clean canvas.
                        If you look closely at the soil
                        you will see hundreds of these little streams.
                              They are deep in some places
                              but shallow in others.
                                   Their color can be that of blood
                                   or the color of scars not quite healed.
                                           These rivers are not just at the surface
                                           for they come from the depths of the soil.
                                                   Taking years to fully carve their place
                                                   and take a lasting toll on the ground.

                                            I am my own piece of ground
                                            with rivers flowing freely.
                                    They cover my body
                                    engrained in so many parts of me.
                         These rivers show me where I’ve been
                         and where I will go.

                My rivers have faded
                from scarlet to peach.
         My rivers are permanent
         and I struggle to find their beauty.
My rivers are seen as ugly
so I try to hide them.
         My rivers are not talked about
         because I am told they are shameful.
                 My rivers stretch across my body
                 and carve at its banks daily.
                          I have tried to dam the waters from flowing
                          but new paths just keeping appearing.
                                   Yet, through it all I have learned from my rivers
                                    that beauty comes in all forms.

My rivers are beauty
in its purest form.

it’s no secret people need the sun to live
however, that’s not the only type of living i mean

i mean the sun is a small part of an even greater savior
the beach is the savior who is keeping me alive

i mean the beach has kept a smile on my face
when nothing else could put it there

it is keeping my heart beating and my blood flowing
it is keeping oxygen flowing through my body

the sun keeps me alive
because it warms my body
reminding me i’m still alive

the sand keeps me alive
because it clings to my skin
reminding i can still feel

the water keeps me alive
because the cold shocks my body
waking it up

the waves keep me alive
because the waves lull me to sleep
giving my body the rest it craves

the sunburn keeps me alive
because of the pain
forcing me to hold on for when it leaves

the beach keeps me alive
because through every little annoyance
it only shows me that i can still feel everything

it shows me i have so much to live for
because despite what i believe i can still feel

-let the beach keep you alive

i'm not sure why
it's always my fault

but it's okay
you have other issues

i'm just a good friend
that's why you take it out on me

-i need it to stop

i know you feel bad
the applause are never loud enough
the smiles just aren't big enough
nothing is ever enough
but it's ok
just keep telling yourself
you did good

Come with me to the boardwalk and wander down to the turbulent blue sea.
Come with me to the fire and let the shadows of the flames dance across your face.

Take me back to the sandy white shore with the cool waves lapping at my feet.
Take me back to the yellow sun high in the sky, warming my face.

Follow me down the rough path and feel the cool stones on your feet.
Follow me up the steep hill and stare at the moon’s inviting face.

Get in the car and leave the lonely world in the rear view mirror.
Get to the top of the mountain and watch your fear hide its face.

Bring your best and your worst and we will explore it all together.
Bring me to the first place you felt truly alive and we will basque in its face.

Let us get lost in the inky night sky, and never find home.
Let us get lost in the abyss of each others eyes, forever staying face to face.

she avoided her suicide
she sometimes walked and started to cry
now stopped
started
    a grimace
    a sweetheart
another smiled back
        slowly
she glanced up
she believed a smoky smile and sculpted body was
            poetic justice
beautiful waterfall white wishes
rose petals circulating her

Beauty, why do you evade her?
Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches for you daily.
Meals become foreign during her quest.

Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Meals become foreign during her quest.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.

She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?

Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?
Why will you not show her you were always there?

Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
The water washes all the broken parts away.
Why will you not show her you were always there?
She doesn’t need water to fix what’s never been broken.