do you know how ****** life is?
it is a bunch of people who don't trust
who are so ******* broken and bruised
who are trying to love each other
despite the pain of the past
but getting hurt over and over
turning to suicide as the only option
i tried turning there
please don't give up. i love you.
an ode to my soundcloud rapper.
it's 1:30 am on a wednesday night
i should be doing my homework or sleeping
i'm supposed to surprise you friday at work
you sent me a snapchat a few hours ago
that has me spinning to hard to drive the 4 hours home to you
"i'm sorry for trespassing on your heart. you just aren't as spiritually mature as the woman i am going to be with needs to be"
and then you went to bed
you opened my response an hour later
i just wanted to hear your voice one last time
is that so awful?
no it isn't
what is awful
is that you said you wanted to marry me
and that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life
you said that women deserve to be treated like queens and that's how you would treat me.
when i told my best friend that, she just looked at me and i could see the pitty in her eyes. when she spoke, i didn't hear the words so much as i heard the underlying warning, comforting, anger, fear, sadness.
"he sounds like a stupid *** soundcloud rapper"
"no" i said "he is a good Christian guy. he wants to treat me right."
i know you think you are speaking life into people's lives. i know you don't care how much it hurts them. but you should. i am not going to change for you. i am changing for myself. so that when you see me years from now, you can see that i grew through your toxicity. that it was simply a stepping stone. so, thank you for helping me realize even more warning signs. and for finally making me realize i should never apologize for standing up for myself. no matter how many people i lose along the way. goodbye until later.
i hope you see me walking down the street one day and realize what you lost
my dad loves me when i go to the gym
says i need to get skinnier
gets me weight loss vitamins
he doesn't understand
i try to be understanding of his lack of understanding
instead i stop eating and say it is the gym
i see him proud when i lose weight
i only see myself getting fatter
i think that every poem should have a trigger warning if it is something about mental illness, eating disorder, ****** assault, etc.
i am in so much pain
my whole world is spinning all the time
i tried to take up nicotine to help
i tried to drink all my problems away
and now i fight the urge every day
i'm trying to get better
but ******* it it feels impossible
when no one is in your corner
when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain
but no one understands that
because that is just something most people do without thinking about
so when you say getting up is hard, they call you lazy
so you start to think you are just a lazy ******* who needs to do better
then they ask why you are always in a sweatshirt
why you never do your makeup
why your hair is always a mess
why your eyes are puffy
why you killed yourself
why you didn't talk to anyone
why you didn't get help
why you ended it all
- what if i take all my pills?
please don't end it. i love you. you can make it.
everyone has movies that comfort them
mine is "as above so below"
it makes no sense and that's why i love it so much
i watch it every night
a group of people are lost in the catacombs under paris
and terrifiying things keep happening and they keep dying
i think i compare it to my life
and i like a reason to fear something else than my reality
if you want to go, then go
but do not make me feel as though it is my fault
simply apologize and gracefully back away
do not first break me down to nothing
and then burn what is left
your issues and lies are not my fault
so i will be the one to gracefully leave
if you want to see me
then i will wait for you to call
but i will not reach for you first
i did it for too long
it is your turn to feel alone
i'm not spiteful
you believe yourself to be the judge
let me be the executioner
i need to stop lying to myself if i'm going to survive.
or maybe that is how i've survived for so long.
one thing i know for sure.
is that i don't know anything.
my world is spinning again.
but maybe i do this because i am more comfortable in the spinning chaos.
might i add the lonely chaos.
i was trusting again.
you were safe.
i thought you were at least.
but i thought the others were safe too.
now i don't trust anyone.
please don't stop trusting people. the right ones are out there