it's a hot day
in mid-December
as well
the world
(as we know it)
has gone
even more
topsy-turvy

Decembers used to be cold
like heartbreak after a date
or a cold shower at 4 a.m.

there isn't much around
besides the ceiling, the floor,
and the four walls that confine me
while the not-so-soothing sounds
of motorcycles pass by
my cage with silver bars
that i like to call my house

i miss you
and the summer's warmth
you bring when nights are cold
and the October breeze you have
when the days are hot

You make me feel different, which is nice.
Your beauty makes me melt away like snow and ice.
Remembering you on a cold night
Makes me feel warm in the inside.

You are like a very bright light
You lead me out of a dark place
At midnight.

Every time we break apart
I want to tell you what's in my heart.
If I'm stuck in darkness during midnight,
You'll always be my brightest light.

I am a fisherman
Looking for the one fish I need
The prized catch

I have never seen your face up close in real life
Nor do I know how your skin feels touching mine
I can only imagine the smell of your hair and the feeling of your lips

I want to know how it feels like to have you in my arms
I want to know how it feels like to hold your hand for longer than ten minutes
I want to know how deep I can look into your dark eyes
And know how long it would take until you looked away

One a I'll hear your voice
One day I'll read my poems to you; and
One day you'll sing to me

But
Not
Digitally

I went to the flat today
The pink light from the red curtains
Colored in the white walls
That held your new life in pictures
And the bed where we laid
Reciting lost poetry to each other
At four in the morning
Contained the same mess
That was made the day you left

I stood still in the middle of everything
And took the deepest breath I could
Before having to go back into the ocean
We all call "the real world"
In that breath, I heard your soft voice
Whispering sweet somethings into my ear,
I felt your hands slowly grip mine,
And the feeling of your loving eyes staring
Into every fiber of my lonesome being
Gave me goosebumps

In that moment, I was calm again
My mind was once again at peace
After all the hours of screaming
After all the days of torture
"****." I said
"I almost forgot to bring home the soy milk"

It is human nature to desire death
Especially in this day and age

The world around us has become a collection of instants
From the messages we write up to the noodles we eat

Life goes so fast that we absorb so much at once
Our minds are filled with milleniums
Of words and dates and names of people we will never meet
And knowledge of places we will never go to

Humans live too fast
Our minds faster than our bodies
And when our minds live life to the fullest
We are left with only our bodies

would you hold my hand
     while the world crumbles
     around us?

i would hold yours
     as long as you agreed
     that I do

you won't hold mine
     if you had the choice
     but that's fine with me

in all truth,
     my world crumbles everyday
     because i can't have you

Leave him.
The bits that are my heart
Break into more
And now they're dust.

I'm on the verge
Of tears
Because I want to be the one
Who makes you happy.

I pretend I don't love you,
But I really do.
I pretend because I know
That you won't say it back.

They pour out and foam up at the bottom
The way waterfalls do
As they leave my lips
The sounds they make as they crash
Into the waters below
Are like the bloodcurdling screams of little girls
When the fires in their homes blacken the air
With smoke unlike the gray cigarette smoke
That they are familiar with
The smell of "home" in some way
The smell of hugs
And kisses
And love

Fear is all there is when they come out to play
They tug at ears and pierce them unsavorily
Leaving holes in places you never wanted
Cry all you want, but the scars they leave are scars
Like on your wrists and on mine
Except they don't fade
And they never will
But one day they will open up again
And bleed like they're brand new

They tell me they'll make it all be alright again
And they phase through blades like ghosts
Smoothly and gracefully at the price of my sanity
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to keep doing this
I'm tired of lying
I'm tired of lies

Maybe I'll find the strength
To give the truth a shot
One of these days

Tears well up in my eyes
As I wait for night to pass
The quiet hours never lie
As sad emotions flow and flow fast

It's pain
That I feel
I don't want to
Cry to sleep once more

To the ******* with my name
I will gut you and choke you
I swear you will never see day

How dare you take warmth
From my light
When it flickers in the wind

I will gouge your eyes out
So you never lay your eyes
On what provides me happiness

I will **** all those you hold dear
They will be the kindling of my pyre
Your fate shall be the same

Let this be a warning
Begone, foul beast of the night
And I will let you watch from afar

The seas of unrest
Became calm for once
For it had to witness
The day of her birth

There she stood
In all of her beauty
As the moonlight shined
Upon her soft cheeks

Her eyes lit up the night sky
And the darkness in my soul
Like a new sun, she was
Beautiful and stupefying

The wind sang beauteously
And the trees danced
In celebration of her
Because she was perfect

The wind whispered to me
Her name and I was shocked
For it was the language
That angels spoke

You were my best drug
I would always take you in
Antidepressant.

My depression comes to my bed and gives me a warm embrace almost every morning
I try to wrestle myself out of its grasp, but it only grabs on tighter
Whispering in my ear, telling me that I don't need to leave
Telling me how useless I'll be if I stood up and tried to do anything
I try to fight but I'm frozen in place, forced to endure its tight hold
(On days that I do have the courage to fight, I fight and fight and fight
But end up giving up and giving in)
About three hours will go by while I wait for it to get sick of me and let go,
Two hours if I'm lucky (I'm usually not)
And when it does get sick of me, (if I'm lucky) it reaches into its pockets and throws a little bit of motivation my way
Then it leaves
And I expect it to happen again the next day

I don't like texting you
I would rather hear your voice
(Because it sounds like heaven)
But I don't want to call you
Because I know you won't pick up

"Good morning, sir"
He said as I fixed a rainguard
Back unto my car
I froze in place
And he stood in his

I could feel grief in the air
Accompanying this old man
And I stared

"I am a garbage truck driver
My wife died, you see
She used to sweep the street
Around here
Maybe you noticed her
Once or twice"

He shook a crumpled sheet of paper
Filled with bills
Twenties, fifties, and hundreds
And he spoke again

"It's been two weeks
I don't have the money
To bury her"

He said it so casually
His voice was like
A broken record
To him
Probably

But somehow there was still pain

I handed him some money
He bowed
Thanked me
Walked away

And I stood there
Frozen

Hell's said to be hot
But you were my truest hell
The subzero one

I don't want to know what time it is
I just want to lay here forever and die

I don't want to know the painful truth
I'd rather listen to beautiful lies

I don't want to know who you love
Unless it's me, it's a truth you hide

I don't want to know what your thoughts are
Probably they're of some other guy

I don't want to know you
But I do and now all I do is cry

I love playing games!
I especially love the one
That we're playing right now!

What was it called again?
The Not-Notice-Each-Other-In-Plain-Sight Game?
Or was it The Let's-Be-Strangers Game?

Or maybe I'm lying
And I want to play my new favorite,
The Punch-You-In-The-Face Game!

Oh, how I would love to play!
But still you insist
On playing the other games

How about we play that old game of yours?
The I-Won't-Show-Up-And-Leave-You Game!
You love playing that one!

Maybe you want to stab me in the back
While you're at it!
Come on! I'll let you go first!

Less than two minutes
I heard your voice
For less than two minutes today
I hope the sound of it rings in my head
For the remaining 1438 and a half

She is the canvas of the night sky
That has the stars painted onto her
She sparkles with billions of lights
Of ***** of burning gases
And she makes it look beautiful
Like the stars aren't burning *****
Of gas that can eat
Planets entirely in one bite

I have seen it
I have seen how it
Destroys
Degrades

There is pain
Much of it
And I wish to help
You won't let me

It's *******
I know
I have felt it
In my earlier days

The days that you smiled
Are those I miss
The sound of your laugh
Is almost just a memory
The days I want back

I bang at your doors
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in
For it is getting cold

Here lies your poet
Breathing and awake,
But without any signs of life

The deep hours of the night
Are a perfect simulation of oblivion
And the uncomfortable foam mattress
A suitable casket lining for the dead inside

I am a ghost to those who love living
Barely a breath in their lungs
Barely a word in their sentences
But merely a fraction of what I wish to be

Please make me part of it
With open arms and accepting hearts
Why do all of you resent my warmth?
Why make me feel unwelcome?

For now I stay dead, the way you all want me
Because this is all I can do
Break me no more
Because there is nothing of me left

Help me for I suffer
Love songs mean nothing now
Drag me into my grave

Tears race down my cheeks
And my skin turns cold
Why must you do this to me?
What sin have I committed?

Haunt me no longer, I wish
Burn in eternal fire, breathe in my hatred
I hate loving you

Images of you and I burn my memory
There was no then, no now
There was only I who loved
While you endured my infatuation

Drown in my love
Leave me be
Die

I am in the dark
The light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Is gone

And I now walk
Aimlessly
Bumping into walls
Tripping over rocks
I am tired

Will the light return
And guide me again
Or will I rot in
This hopeless
Damnation?

All the time I thought
Maybe the world hates my love
So I'll be resting

The white LEDs shine bright
Like the unwanted pseudo-stars they are

The living room that houses the sofa I am lying down on
Has white walls that reflect the bulbs' light
Almost as if they were mirrors

The lights hit my face the way lights hit faces,
In less than a snap of the fingers,
It still feels like it's dark, to be frank

It's the kind of darkness you experience
When a blanket is over your head
While you're camping on a starless, moonless night
With only the tent floor as your sleeping bag

You feel the earth stabbing you in a billion different points
As the cold slowly freezes your fingers into submission
And the darkness you see is the darkness only the ones who have gouged their eyes out can describe
The pitch black of all the pitch black

The lights hit my face now like an oncoming train,
Yet I see darkness emanate out of the bulb like splashing waves on a beach

You are subpar
How I wish she could see that
You probably know it yourself

You are the grimy ****
On the soles of my boots
That I scrape off on the curb

You are the lesser human
And I am the pinnacle of greatness
I hope you know that

You are the bottom of the food chain
And I am on the top
I will drink your blood

She doesn't deserve you
She deserves better than that
She deserves me

I'm out of words
I'm out of love

I need something
To be thinking of

I need to write
For it's in my soul,

But what's in my heart
Is a gaping hole

I'm forcing myself to write
Oh god, it hurts. *****.

Where was the blood that used to flow?
It's thinned out. Why is that so?

Do I need to love so I can write?
I don't want to feel pain, nor shall I fight.

Argh. This writer's block hurts like knives.
I'm too tired to rhyme so never mind.

I wish I were somewhere else
Somewhere not of the world
Somewhere peace
Somewhere love
Somewhere smiles are not false

Nirvana maybe
But the chaos here
does not permit passage

There is a star under the moon
It looks like the star is under the moon
I like to imagine it that way
It's beautiful

                       moon
                         star

I love how close they are
They're so close
Just two reaching hands away
Like lovers separated
By two metal fences
Two different sides
To two different worlds

                       moon
                         star

You are so close
Just reach
Just touch
Just love and be loved

                       moon



                         star

But this is reality
You're far, far away
Beyond two metal fences
But of two different sides
Of two different worlds

The same stories
The same laughs
The same people
And it still feels
Just like home
Every bit of it

She's a sad excuse for a **** buddy
She shows up at my house when I least expect it
And thinks she can amaze me with her second rate *******
And her third rate kisses

Her lips taste like cigarette ash and old gum
Her ******* feel like sandpaper
And she never lets me use her *****
Just the ***
And usually she doesn't wash
But I **** her anyway because I need a release
I only feel worse after though
As if I used my shitstained ****
To sign a contract to be her slave

She can barely hold a conversation too
I ask simple questions
And she answers with ugly laughter and
"You're so stupid"
Never an answer from her
Just her being
Just my worthless being
Just her worthless being
Just my being

"I'll see you again next time"
She says, and I say
"Give me back my ******* keys"
And she laughs that ugly laugh
"Fat chance, stupid."
She says

I hate my anxiety

To escape
The horrors
And reality
Of life
Is enjoyable

May it be
Roadtrips
And city lights
Or highway reflectors

May it be
In relics
In museums
Or paintings
In hallways

May it be
In dark movie theaters
On summer nights
Or in sunlit parks
On summer afternoons

May it be
With the love of your life
On condominium balconies
Or on soft beds

Escape
The reality
Of the cruel world

While the cold, golden **** of dull temptation
Slowly fills up the acidic pool of my empty stomach
I pray hard for even the littlest of light
As tears roll down my face
I pray so hard
That I forget which god I am praying to

I fall deeper into the abyss once again
And feel cold hands gently caress my face
"I have brought you the light you long for."
She says
But I know not if she is the answer to my prayers
And I know not of this light she brings

She comes to play when I am ill
She comes to flirt, but never stays
Some days I wish she would
Sometimes I wish she'd kiss me
And end all of my suffering

When she leaves,
The sorrow in my heart grows greater
When she leaves,
The weight on my shoulders, she brings with her
But I know one day
She will kiss me
And I won't be ready

I need to feel the fires
Without the heat
I am lost

Stoke the flames!
Make the fire burn brighter
I am blind in the dark

Keep it burning!
Burn more fuel, you *******!
Burn everything to keep the fires alive!

Cut down trees
Burn all the gas
Do whatever it takes!

You taste bitter on my tongue
Almost as bad as how cigarettes do
But it honestly tastes worse than you

Although now I'm the epitome of peace
I'm calm with the poison in me
Just like the poison you used to be

Cravings hit me hard
Like my old thoughts of you at night
But a craving for you is more of a blight

Don't get me wrong though
I'm very much over it and for you I am a quitter
I'm using the sticks to learn how to get used to the bitter

I haven't heard from you.
You could be dead,
But I hope you're still breathing.
You probably are anyway.

It's been a week,
Yet it feels like centuries.
You don't want to talk,
So I'm staying away for a bit.

It's dead silence between us.
Almost like there's a serial killer
Running through the house
And we're trying not to die.

All you've left me is sadness
Reality is cruel
Rage is what flows through my
Icy veins and heart
After all we've been through
Nothing remains of our friendship
End my life now

The Christmas spirit has dissipated into the atmosphere. The jolly tunes come out of the speaker only to be turned into sad sounding drones. Every note becomes sadder and sadder and the lights grow dimmer and dimmer. It's like watching an old TV shut off, the sides fade into the middle and eventually all you have is blackness. You see your dark reflection on the convex glass. Growing old is watching a TV turn off. The happy cartoon faces slowly fade and you're faced with a reflection of yourself. What do you do now? 

The happy cartoon that is the Christmas spirit has faded into the abyss and all you're left with is yourself. You float in the dark nothingness that is the act of being self-aware. Christmas is just another day on the calendar. Say goodbye to the cheer and the snowmen and the gingerbread houses and the Santa hats. Say hello to life.

I spend my nights thinking of how you thought
If ev'rything you said was all for naught.
Did you love me true romantically
Or did you just say it to not hurt me?

My dear, I loved you with all that I had
I thought we would both end up real glad
But now I see that you didn't mean it
Now all of this, to me, is pretty ****

I wish you meant all of the things you said
Maybe I wouldn't have wished I were dead,
But I still love you in all honesty
I wish you never said that you loved me

Because I'm finding hardships moving on
If we stayed friends this feeling would be gone,
But you decided to ***** the floor
And told me that you felt a feeling more

I would've missed the style and way you kissed,
But all I am right now is ******* ******
I really truly wish that you loved me
Or maybe just let the friendship we had be

Don't look at me with your ******* eyes
Your stares do nothing but make you look high

Don't speak to me with your ******* tongue
All that's left is for it to pour dung

Don't hear my words with your ******* ears
Because you might stain yourself in fear

Don't touch me with your ******* hands
For all I know, you could have had them up your ***

Don't breathe near me with your ******* lungs
I don't want to share air with a skunk

I have more to say. Alas, I'll stop
After all, I've already come out on top

I don't know
If I've fallen
Like Lucifer

I feel like
I've fallen into
Hell below

But this hell,
I like it
I'll stay

For this burning
Is hidden beauty
It's her

I've fallen hard
For only her
Oh no

This is bad
Because I love
Wrong people

I hope that
This time I
Am wrong

I don't need to choke back tears
Because I ran out
When you left me to rot