Be my source of light
Elucidate my life's path
And I shall be free

When I first saw you,
You took my breath away
You showered me with affection
And kind words
Things I was never used to

You held me
You kissed me
You made me feel fearless
Like the whole world was my oyster
You made me feel loved

You told me you loved me
Over and over
A kiss for each time you did
And you held my hand all the way through

Now when I see you,
The anxiety you give me takes my breath away
You shower me with death glares
And venomous words
Things that I was never used to with you

You stare in anger
You stare in hatred
You make me feel worthless
Like the whole world is closing in
You make me feel betrayed

You give me excuses
Over and over
A hiss each time you do
And you scream all the way through

If I'm just as useless as I think I am, tell me
I can't keep parading around like I'm doing something right,
When obviously I'm not

I'm tired of not being helpful.
I am done with not caring.
I try to help and I do care,
But everything I do and everything I say
Dissipate into the air like cigarette smoke

I panic, I worry, I cry, I fear,
But nothing gets done.
Nothing gets done because my heart fills with all these emotions
That I end up screaming without me knowing it
That I end up screaming at everyone else Instead of screaming at God
(Who deserves all the screaming I want to do for making me this way)

If I'm useless
Then I'm useless
No stopping that
I just wish
Someone would tell me the truth

here i am again
grasping at strings
longing for
nicotine
and
alcohol

asking myself
questions i can't answer
i don't know if i want answers
maybe i just want to ask questions

i'm longing for you
**** the nicotine and alcohol
i don't want an addiction
i just want to be calm
and look into your eyes
and sincerely tell you
that i love you

Here I go once again
I'm currently preparing for pain.

She never smiled for the soothing sounds of my smooth soliloquies
Nor did she fathom the frightful forms of my words
She didn't enjoy my empathy nor my engaging emotions
She did not bestow her best upon me,
But I still love her longly, largely, and life-filled.

There are things I miss
I don't know which one you are
I am confused now

I need a drink now
I'm too tired of studying
Finals will **** me

What am I doing here?
I feel useless.
I've no passion in life
Except for love and hate

I don't think I was made
To love
Nor do I think that
I was made to hate

What am I really?
Am I just abstract
In the entirety
of the universe?

I wonder if emptiness
Is a side effect
Of the ability to think
About the meaning of life

The stars don't align
Not for you and I
Even if I wished they had
They would never

"Love pushes people to do things they wouldn't normally do. Sometimes it's more of a liability to love."

- Me

Just take my life now
I do not want to study
Please put me to rest

I see a couple
They look happy
Together

Smiling,
Holding hands,
Fingers entwined

They stare
At each other
With such longing,
Such emotion,
And such warmth

Happiness
Like theirs
Is what I wish for,
But all I have
Is a bottle

I can hear the river's current
From where I'm seated
And I can hear the ******* music
Playing some few blocks away
The night has its ways
Of not giving you peace
Whenever you need it

The plants flow down the river to receive their dark embrace,
And it fills me with envy because they recieve nightly
What I have always asked for

Life, to me, is torture
A there and back again adventure
Of misfortune and self-doubt
And I choose not to live a life like this
But it is given to me against my will

I wish God were real so I could have someone to blame
Unfortunately, I can only blame myself
For all the shortcomings,
Anxiety,
Doubts,
And **** luck

All I can do is self-medicate
With things that are not medicine
Things that do not cure
But things that delay
And delay
And delay
Like AIDS and ******
Except it isn't

I want to be freed from this life
This there and back again adventure
Of misfortune and self-doubt

Maybe one day
I'll flow down life like the plants on the river
And receive the dark embrace
That I've always wanted

Who do I love anymore?
My heart calls for the both of them,
But God knows I can only have one.

My hear is split in two
And I cry because those two parts
Are both just as broken.

The universe plays its cruel game
Of making me feel the fires
Of their hearts burn for others.

too close
too far

proximity in places
true proximity is not permitted
stings like bees on your arms
and ants in your legs

too close
too far

I want to choke you till the life leaves your eyes
The sound of you trying to force air into your lungs
Is a sweeter fantasy
Than me wanting to jab myself in the neck with a pen
Or stab my eyes out with a knife

The dream that is your death
Is sweeter than my suicide
More eye-opening
Than my dark desire
To be in a casket

As the days pass,
My anger only grows
And the dreams in my head
Stay dreams

What do I miss?
Empathy
Innocence
Happiness
And having no social anxiety

I miss caring, warmth, security
Along with hopes and dreams
I miss my positive thoughts
I miss silence in my head

I miss her and her and her
And all of their voices
And their eyes
And their soft words
And how they said my name

I miss being young
Stupid
Unafraid
*Alive

I'm lying in bed in the dark again
My earphones are loudly playing your song
I recall you saying you hated it,
But this is one of the only ****** ways
I can hear your beautiful voice again

I'm afraid of calling you, honestly
I'm afraid you'll tell me what I expect
"We should just be friends. Can we just be friends?"
I wanted you to be my lover, dear.

I would have loved you as hard as I could
Harder than I have ever loved before
But you'd never let me love you like that
Because to you, my love would chain you down

You'd be a bird in a golden-barred cage,
A skiff with a passenger ship's anchor,
Someone who you never saw yourself as
Someone you never really planned to be

So maybe all of this was for the best
Relationships, after all, hurt a lot
So maybe all of this was for the best,
But I'm unsure when my love for you shall rest

I had just lost her
But I lost her from the start
I was just too late

The memory of pain often colors
My mind when all the walls of it turn dark.
The light scars that I have from hobby knives
Yearn loud and loud to open up once more.
The blades scream loud as I suppress my cries
And yet they beg and beckon for my thighs.

Shall I  go once more and see my own blood
Leave the indents made on my mortal skin?
Or shall I let the screams of my turmoil
Bleed into ev'ry situation I'm in?

Beauty like hers brings pain
Every time at her heart I take aim
All I have is myself to blame

I wish I could put out this flame
Love is the most difficult game
Oh, to the skies I proclaim

Victory will never be claimed
Each loss I suffer is the same
Urges to win her heart are in vain

Oh look at all that burning passion.
You can feel the heat it brings
As it dances around
Illuminating the room

What magic started this fire?
I ask as the flame dances
It grows hotter
As I try to find it's source

I then remember
That the flame
Started out as
*Sparks

It has been dark
It has been very dark
And I thought
That maybe
It was the end
For me

How was I going to go on?
I wondered
You were the brightest light
That my eyes had ever seen
And I followed you
Until you blinded me

I walked on and on
Not knowing the path
That I was going down
So I looked up
Even if the rays
Of your intensity
Still burned my irides

The stars were out

The sound of your voice
Saying sweet things
Still rings in my ears
Like the sound of blades to bucklers

The look in your eyes
That show me the universes in your soul
The ones I get in dimly lit parking lots
I miss that

Your hands
They tell me you trust me
When I hold them and when you hold me
Without caring if they're sweaty or not

Your cheeks
The way they grow warm
And they way they make you glow pink
My hands cup them almost perfectly
I wish I could hold them again

The feel of your lips
Smooth, pink, and velvety
My lips glide upon yours
I wish they would once more

I'm not going to lie
I've been missing you dearly
The way flies miss the window
Even if it's wide open

I wish I could hold you again
The way we hold each other when nobody is looking
How we hold each other
When we know nobody who sees us will care

One of these days

Every time I think of suicide, I write a poem.
My writing is what keeps me sane
I've gotten this far, so I'll keep on going.

My writing, my writing,
Thank you so.
For without you this one would not be written

Each time there is a blade softly pressed against my skin,
I put it down and write about this ******* I'm in
It keeps me alive, but keeps me sad.

I think I'm depressed, maybe I'm not,
Maybe I just want out.
Out of this life, out of this world, out of everything now.

If you hate me, I hate you too,
But nobody hates me more than myself.
I've known myself too long to love me.

Show me the world I never knew, darling
The one where notes leap off and onto staves
The world that beats on drums, and strums on strings, and sings as I sleep
The world full of late nights in bars I never go to
Where beer pours like ambrosia to the sound of galloping red horses

I want to kiss you in your world, if you'd let me
Let me into your world and let me look into your eyes the way I do when we're alone
And I hope you look into mine the way you do when we're alone

Why now?
Why now?
Why now?

I needed you the most right now
I needed your love
I needed your warmth
I needed to hear your voice
(but not in the way I did last night)

I wanted you to hold me
And tell me that everything
Would be fine
So that I could stop crying myself to sleep

I've cried myself to sleep
For the past four days
And I didn't want to tell you
Because I didn't want to bring you down

Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me I wasn't enough?

I want to be enough for you
You always told me I was more than enough
You always did
Apparently I'm not

The way your head rests on my shoulder
Me kissing your hair as my hand travels from your hip, thigh, ***
Your hand grabbing mine to get me to scratch your back
Our eyes meeting and me kissing your forehead
I miss it

I remember asking you to sit up and look at me
I'll never forget how red your cheeks got before I kissed you
Right before we grabbed each others' faces to give our mouths a better look
Right before I grabbed your wrists to put them over your head

And it didn't matter
If we had milk tea-flavored lips

If you have to leave me
To complete your heart
Then run as fast as you can

If you have to hurt me
To heal yourself
I'll make you feel
Like I deserve it all

If you have to hate me
To find out who you are
Go right on ahead

Hold me, kiss me, **** me
Like you care
And I'll
Hold you, kiss you, and *******
Because I really do care

I wish you did

That's okay though

Hurt me,
And I'll thank you for it

Remember when you said you would love me forever?
Did you actually mean it?
All the I love yous in between the small kisses you gave me
Did you ever mean those?

I saw old pictures of us
Old videos too
Your eyes told me you loved me
But I don't know if there is a soul through those true brown windows of yours
(The ones that would glow in the golden hour light in your apartment)

When you told me you were leaving me,
Did you still love me?
What about when I kissed your icy lips after you told me you kissed him,
Did you still love me?
When I held your hand and you faked a smile,
Did you still love me?

You took everything I knew about love
And you spat on it
You took everything I knew about you
And you ruined it
You took everything I knew about myself
And now I'm searching for where you threw it

I don't want to write about you anymore.

i'm soft
like a warm towel
fresh out the dryer
hold me until
i grow cold
and
warm me back up
again

i promise
i'll try
to be as warm
so I can keep
cupping your cheeks
comfortably

I had nicotine flowing through my veins instead of blood last night
Indonesian cigarettes and grape vape juice does that you
Living becomes a case study on the fine line
Of your body and mind being both asleep and awake

I saw your face four times last night
Once under the dim lights of the outside of the bar
We smoked and you complained about how men make you feel
Once in the darkness of the bar, only being lit little by little by disco ball reflections
We drank and smoked Ares cigarettes and you told me to hurt your feelings
Once in the convenience store lights
We never really went in but the lights were bright enough to see the sadness in your eyes
After I did hurt you; and

Once in my car where you cried and I pleaded
Where I cried and you looked away
Where I told you I cared
Where I told you I loved you
But you wouldn't believe anything I told you
Where I saw the fires in your eyes reduce to embers and then into ashes

I brought you home and I went home
With the cold McDonald's that I bought to try to make us feel better
And I stopped for a moment on the side of the street
To try to fill my already aching stomach
Everything tasted burnt