I really want space and to spend some time just on my own
but I want to be with someone just as much if not more
but I only really want to be with him
and I don't know if he wants to be with me
but I still feel like I should be single for a bit
but if we did this right I wouldn't need to try to escape
but what if we don't get it right
and what if we do

I don't think you know what love is
Not the way I do
Each time you find someone new
You say
Oh this time it's real
but it never really is
you just fall in the same trap
of lust and delight
captured by their looks
or cunning wit
but as time moves on
so do you

I wish I could gather my thoughts
tell you how I feel
but the words don't come out
not the way i want them to
they are jumbled
and scattered
never in the right order
they don't portray
the message
I'm trying to say
But I wish, I wish so much
that you could know
what is in my head

I got lost in her eyes
But I found the world there
I got taken by her brain
Stolen to a galaxy far away

I tore you apart
when all you needed
was building back up
I was trying to get to the bottom of it all
But when I did
There was nothing left of you
That's when I realized
I had lost the person
I loved the most
Soley because I didn't know how
To love him as a friend

I miss her in ways I don't know how to explain
sometimes I see her smile on the face of happy children
I miss that smile a lot
the innocent one, it was so pure
She isn't so innocent now though
she has grown up, become a big girl
one who makes her own decisions
One who has to support herself
But I miss that kid with the gleaming smile

I became so we
that I forgot to be *me

I have never been able
to tell you my left from right
I use a scar as a marker
to help me remember
when you say "turn right"

Which made it ever more
difficult when trying to decide
Should I have left?
Or are we right for one another?

I can't see the scars
on my heart
to give me a direction
I know they are there
*but which way
do I turn

It's Wednesday night
My mind is floating in Tequila
too lost to do anything

But my heart
Can't stop beating for you

Sometimes
Choose
Peace

Simple
you said
lets keep it simple
so we did
we loved
simply
we worried
rarely
we cared
deeply

then
something changed
and it wasn't
so simple
anymore

and we may be
great at simple
but terrible
at complex

can we
go again
my love
to simple
simple love

Dare
To
Believe
In You

I started wondering when the grey skies above
would stop pouring down
and the clouds would float away
to reveal a bright blue sky

Then I remembered the saying
as cheesy as it may be
April showers
bring May flowers

And that is my hope
maybe our love needed some rain
so it could blossom
in beautiful colors

So until these clouds pass
I will try to dance in the rain
with the hopes of spring
brightening my view

Blue all around us
and the waves come crashing down
we both start taking in water our lungs gasping

We had been so strong
Every time it rained
One pulling up the other
And together staying afloat

But this was no sunday shower
this was a hurricane
and we were both sinking in the sea

I grabbed ahold of his hand
Latching ourselves together
Becoming anchored to each other
And dragging one another down

Water above, below, all around
my lungs on fire
and my eyes searching for air

All at once his hand let go
I grasped for it once again
But he was gone and swimming
So I had to do the same

The water fell back to reveal a dark grey sky ready to cry
my lung filled with oxygen once again but
my heart filled with fear as i saw the rain to come

Barely able to keep myself afloat
I started searching for him
But set in between us was the storm of a life
That neither of us knew how to navigate

The wind and waves pulling in and out
making this ocean seem like a horrifying nightmare
that had not long before been such a dream

The storm would pull one of us in
The other jumping in to save the day
But we could not seem to escape
This hurricane that had engulfed our lives

So we kept wading in the water
hoping for the storm to pass
so we could again see one another

I have so much I want to tell you
I want to tell you
How much I love you
Why I love you
That everything will be okay
That I want to help you through this
I want to explain why
Why things will be good
Why we should be together

But eventually all the words
Just become words
I just am rambling
Telling you things
That don't even pertain

The only words I have found that really matter are
I love you
And I know things will work out

We built a beautiful relationship together
sturdy and effective but also appealing and bright

You watched the relationship
you had modeled ours after
crumble to the ground
and all the flaws revealed

We had both seen this before
but it was different this time
Maybe because our relationship
looked like theirs once had

But what we could have never seen
was all the cracks in their foundation
All the problems
they hid in the basement

relationships don't crumble in a day
they slowly erode away
each crack left unfilled
takes away the stability a little more

the rusted out center
of your parents relationship
left only an outside shell
a gust away from complete destruction

The outside doesn't matter
we aren't doomed for the same fate
just because we used the same bricks
its the upkeep that matters

To have a good relationship you have to fill those cracks
You have to work to make things stable
they don't always come naturally
but the results of working together are incredible

This isn't you
Don't you see
you are just a shell
of who you used to be

The free spirit being
chained by worries
that doesn't seem
right to me

The future is all just a tangle
of what we do not know
and uncertainty is prevalent
anywhere someone lets it be

But it will eat you up
from the inside out
tear your heart in two
Because no one knows
*What the future may hold

Love was never
the way my parents held hands

Love was never
The look in their eyes at a moment of togetherness

Love was never
meant when the word was uttered at the end of a phone call

But Love was always there
In many ways that I will never understand
She loved him so much
that she would put him before her
even though he never did the same
She loved him so much that she could hardly
utter a word of negativity of him
without backtracking to positivity
Loving him meant
that she got torn down day after day
but didn't hesitate to build him back up
She loved him in a way that tore her apart
She loved so deeply that she would never come back

I told you I would do anything for you, love
I would climb mountains
I would cross oceans
just to see a smile on your face
Because isn't that what love is

So you asked me for one thing
to be patient
oh how it would be easier to climb a mountain
patience is key
but patience is not something I have the key to

I will do my best to be what you need me to be
please just remember
I am human too
I make mistakes
that sometimes hurt you

Tonight I am lost in a state of wonder
Of all the could be's, should be's, and would be's
keeping my mind active and my eyes open

All of the endless possibilities of where life could have taken me
and I am here

what if only
he wouldn't have picked up the phone that day

what if only
she would have stayed at dinner 2 minutes longer

what if only
he would have asked a different person

Such small actions
that have had a huge impact on my life

leaving me wondering
who I would be today
without these small decisions of others

leaving me wondering
how much of my own life
am I in control of

The procedure began
My eyes open and my body numb
A black X drawn across my chest
marking the point of incision

The needle was larger
than any I had seen before
as it approached my skin
There was a half second
in which I thought
"should I be doing this"

But it was too late
the needle had already broken the skin
blood pooling at the surface

The drugs were setting in
I was happy to let them take me
knowing that when I woke up
my heart would be gone
no longer would I feel pain and suffering
no longer would I ache at nights
no longer would sadness consume me

Maybe our souls are connected in some way
How else could this be
How else would you know how to calm me
Or hold me just right
Tight in your arms at night
Our conversations are like no other
Going on for hours about nothing and everything

Maybe I'm just like the rest of them
Lost in the blindness of an infatuation
That I have mistaken for adoration
But it would be hard for me to deny
That sometimes I think you are *the one

Today I learned
That rocks are more likely
To break along preexisting fractures
Even if you fill the cracks
When under pressure
They fail along those same fracture lines

I think that is how heart breaks work
When your heart breaks
And leaves an empty space
You may be able to fill it in
But it doesn't take much
To open that hole again

All things considered
I'm doing okay
And thats all I can really say
Because it isn't easy
And it is definitely not fun

To have your family torn apart
from the outside, in

To have your home taken away
with only scrapes of possessions left

To have traditions shattered
and nothing quite like before

To have new people
brought into your life
while having one of the most important,
*taken away

The morning I awake
To your arms around me

I am reminded
of how much I am loved
and how much I love you

I am reminded
of how safe I feel with you
and how I never want to be with out you

I am reminded
of what you mean to me,
*everything

If I were a tree
I would sway in the wind
Letting my leaves tremble and shake
Feeling the freedom of air all around them
For just a moment
they would understand the birds
The thrill of freely flying through the air
with nothing to ground them

I would let the birds
sit on my branches
feeling for a second
what it is like
to be supported, to be rooted
to have something to keep you from falling

Each will envy the other
not realizing what they have
would be a dream to another

Some days I still have a hard time understanding
the boy who said he loved me,
broke my heart wide open
He said that no matter what
No matter how things went down
that even if we weren't destined to be together
That at least we had a friendship
to last a lifetime
But his messages became spotty
and his appearance in my life eventually ceased to exist

He stopped coming around
Stopped being there for me when I needed him
On the days I couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard
He told me I should go to someone else with my problems
Our friendship was demolished

So all I gained was a broken heart,
trust issues, and a life lesson?
that doesn't seem right

Now I have a hard time believing
the words that come out of lovers mouths
I assume they are beautiful lies
meant to keep up a charade
Is that not what love is?
An incredible lust and infatuation
turned game of pretending to care
in order to use someone for what you need?
At least that's what he showed me.

I wish I was still the hopeless romantic I once was
But now I have a bitter heart

I would say I love you
to the moon and back
But that would be a lie
For my love cannot be measured
by miles or metrics of any kind

My love for you crosses oceans
My affection spans galaxy's
My adoration does not end at
a point decided by a ruler

My love for you is endless

I was tired of making up excuses for you
Each time, I told myself
He is just so busy
He didnt mean it
He just forgot to get to it
But all I asked was for ten minutes of your time
And some how you still managed
To get lost in the world of things more important than me
So I have accepted my status near the bottom of your list
I wont put any more energy into this
Because everytime I reach out
It seems my name gets pushed further down on the list

smoke fills my lungs
as i walk through the halls
making it difficult for me to breathe
i navigate the house from memory
my eyes being blinded
by the bright light of the fire
mixed with ashes floating near by
i make it past the kitchen and living room
into the long hall
where i am finally able to take a deep breathe
i peer into my room
smoke lingers but fire has yet to destroy
the things i own
as i move to my brothers room
there is astonishingly little smoke
his room is untouched
but as i make my way toward my parents room
the smoke thickens
and i disappear into a haze of ash, smoke, and heat
i find my mom at the far end of the room
looking out the window
we stand there together and watch
as children play in the street
as neighbors walk past
seemingly unaware of the flames engulfing the house