I am...

the kind of abandoned house
people leave in ruins.
I am a wreckage;
I am destruction

the end of the **** of a cigarette
people step on the moment they're done with.
I am the poison they inhaled;
I am discarded

the type of crack on pavements
people walk around to avoid tripping over.
I am a trap;
I am dangerous

the kind of toy broken beyond use,
parents throw away into the bin
I am trash;
I am worthless

but the house was once filled with laughter and joy
the cigarette was once lit
the pavements were once whole
the toy was once valuable

i was onced LOVED
i was WORTHY
I once LIVED

Was.
Past tense.
No longer.

I have my doubts when you're not here
But they fade away when you appear
At times I feel like you don't care
Then you prove me wrong when you are there

You say sweet things for one minute
The next it's like I don't exist
I'm so confused, what should I do?
I lose my sleep with thoughts of you

"I'm happy with you" that's what you said
But then you say I make you mad
At times you'd walk away from me
You'd crawl back later and say "Sorry"

You treat me like I don't mean anything
You say my flaws are what you're hating
Later you tell me I'm perfect like this
It's not my fault I'm weak to the beasts

Sometimes I want you to leave me alone
But then all night I'd stare at my phone
I want you bad but I hate the pain
It's like I'm drowning in the pouring rain

I'm never sure of what you want
You make me want to get up and run
I love you too much to let you go
But please, I beg you, don't give me false hope

I'm sorry your hands had to leave bruises on my skin
and that my love breaks your ribs.

I'm sorry for the bruises I made in your heart
and for the lies I told with the same lips you tasted.

I'm sorry for the bruises I bore in my heart
and for the storm I brought to your mind.

I'm sorry for the bruises I left in your life,
and made you see my chaos with your eyes.

I'm sorry for the bruises made from holding onto you too tight,
and for the hate that filled your lungs.

I'm sorry for the bruises I can't erase
I'm sorry for the bruises old scars replaced.

I'm sorry for the bruises my fingertips left
I'm sorry for the bruises my lips marked on yours

I'm sorry for the bruises on your wrists with my handprints
I'm sorry for the bruises that took your breath away.

I'm sorry for the bruises.

of bruised skin
and tear-filled eyes,
of empty palms
and tired smiles

of raging waves
and endless storms
of aching heart,
a rose with thorns

of burning heat
from walls to fist
with ash-filled lungs
and fractured ribs

I cannot breathe;
it's suffocation
I cannot live;
this is depression

I** walk down the hallway, keeping my head bowed low
No one looked my way, no one said "hello"
So many people, but they didn't know I was there
Invisible I seemed, to all everywhere
Going into class, I went to take my place
Nobody saw me, nobody recognized my face
It kinda looked like I was part of the four walls
Figuring I seemed a ghost, like I was in the hall
I shrugged and closed my eyes shut tightly
Could it be that no one can hear nor see me?
Answers were received for the rest of the day
Nothing I do seemed to make people look my way
This goes to show how unimportant I am

You told me my lips was filled with love and sweetness
I don't tell you yours was boredom and pity.

You told me that my lips felt like regrets and bitterness
I don't tell you that yours taste of cigarettes and her.

You asked me why my hugs are cold and distant
I don't tell you it's because your arms don't feel like home.

I asked you why your eyes are ice cold over time
But I don't tell you why the stars are dead in mine.

You ask me while I wear a smile like a funeral
I don't ask you why yours is a copy-and-paste.

You said it sounded like goodbye when I said I love you
I don't tell you yours sounded like an apology.

You told me not to leave when I said goodbye
I don't tell you you're already half-way out the door.

Romeo, Romeo, you ain't my Prince Charming
Time to wake up, time to stop dreaming
I was too blindly in love, that I just couldn't see
That Romeo, my dear, you never loved me.
 
Deceived and betrayed, my heart is in two
Feeling like it's always the day of April's Fool
So dear sweet Romeo, just watch me crash and burn
Besides, I know you think that it's none of your concern.
 
Romeo, Romeo, didn't you know I loved you?
Didn't you know I'd do most anything for you?
Now dear Romeo, it's too late, I'm gone.
It's been long, but now, my heart must move on.

She looks at herself in the mirror
She groans, displeased with her figure
Cuts down food, skips her meals
No one knows how fat she feels.

Exercising day and night
Trying to fit in clothes too tight
5 pounds, 10 pounds, 20 pounds lost
She's got it controlled: she's her own boss.

A gut-wrenching feeling, it's all so new
Taking in food, but very very few
Feels like vomitting all of her time
To get back on her feet is a very long climb

Every bite was such a torture
Every swallow was even worse
She doesn't know, doesn't understand
Turning down every lending hand

She gets mad and she gets cranky
She's growing thin, her stomach's empty
She says she's fine, but in truth she lies
And day by day she slowly dies

Losing her friends, but only one stayed
But even that was a price she paid
Her friend told her to continue what she's doing
To stop eating her meals, to stop chewing

Her friend said she was fat, saying she's ugly
"Lose more weight, so that you'll be pretty"
Annie was her name, Annie was a liar
Annie's name is short for Anorexia

your love
is a foreign language
i'm not fluent in
i have yet to
understand that
your hands
around my neck
does not mean
"i love you"

your mind is heaven to the manic devils
a playground is formed cause by havoc
what fun they have, shooting their arrows
to deflate your every happy thought

the heart's been struck by a glacier storm
impaled so deep it leaves you numb
broken, tired, ripped apart and torn
thrown and tossed to the ******* dump

like anger banging down the door
exploding like a volcano eruption
a surge of waves crashing to the shore
a tsunami rising to cause destruction

your thoughts will fly in a tornado
at nights when all you wanna do is sleep
blood has scattered across the white snow
you're cold, you're about to admit defeat

trembling, you're shaking, like an earthquake
falling, stumbling, into the cracks
but then! a rest at the eye of the hurricane
recover, before the devils come back

Prologue //
Love is a myth and we are broken records of repeated mistakes. There is no point chasing after something that doesn't exist, and you can put the pieces of a broken vase together again but it will never be the same.


Chapter One //
I played it cool, but deep down, I wanted to know how perfect would feel like with your lips on mine. I craved for your touch like the night yearning for the moon.


Chapter Two //
I spent days trying to find the perfect way to ask you out after our first kiss for you were a map to hidden treasure, and I wanted to be the first to find it. You had that glow, and I fell in love with the way you could make my heart race with just a simple "hi"


Chapter Three //
I burned every novel in the world that told me love was only a state of the mind, an illusion. Because I could have sworn I saw you in my dream, but there you were, even when I'm wide awake.


Chapter Four //
The sun had set but why was it still so bright? That was when I realized it wasn't the sun, but you. The light you carried blinded me and all I could see was you. My voice trembled and I squeaked out a shaky "Be mine?"


Chapter Five //
You said "yes".


Chapter Six //
I thought I was the only one who felt like we were growing distant until we were oceans apart. Or maybe we were both living on the other side of the mirror.


Chapter Seven //
Our greed had left a painful scar, now I gotta let you go. I was sure this was the end for the both of us.


Chapter Eight //
My heart refused to say goodbye even though my mouth already did.


Chapter Nine //
The clock struck 12:00AM on the 13th of that month. Immediately, regrets flowed like an erupted volcano and pride killed me slowly for the next 23 hours, 59 minutes. I made a mistake.


Chapter Ten //
You took me back in a heartbeat and I carved a promise in my heart to burn my greed in the flames of your love


Epilogue //
Time forgot to tell me that promises are dust meant to be swept away and that it is useless to attempt to catch smoke. But my love will still be aflamed, even if I have to remove traces of my footprints from your heart

(n.)
a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that has been loved and then lost


January //
Your smile makes flowers grow in my lungs and I'm too busy taking care of the garden, pulling the weeds out for the flowers to live and bloom, I forget I need to breathe too


February //
They say addiction is a habit; kisses are drugs but your lips are rehabilitation and I keep coming back for more sessions because I need it; you're my "personal brand of ******"


March //
I write symphonies about the way a single touch from you defines the revolution of the Earth but I was wrong; it actually defines the whole galaxy


April //
My eyes are the same hue of empty, vacant, while the ocean is trapped in your eyes; there are more than meet those chocolate orbs, so let me explore every depth of the waters with you


May //
Your voice is the sound of the soft pitter-patter of the falling rain on the window pane after a storm, and the clouds don't hide the sun anymore


June //
I love the smell of books and coffee, especially with extra teaspoons of sugar and a story about looking for a place to call home as I long for the scent of belonging I only get from having you wrapped in my arms


July //
I fell in love with the way every novel I read has pages with traces of your footprints, your mark imprinted in my heart like how one is drawn to TFIOS; heartbreaking and tear-filled but it was true and the love is real, sort of like you and I; I like to think of it like that — you are Hazel and I am Augustus


August //
I don't believe in full-stops, I don't believe there could be an end to this love we have like how there is an end to a sentence; you might not have noticed that there is not a single full-stop here because our story is not ending, I'm not saying goodbye yet, and Augustus has not died yet; please do not leave me

It's only at nights when I start feeling lonely
Only at nights when it gets overwhelming
I miss those nights, so real, so true
I miss those times it was just me and you

I still cry to sleep almost every night
I wish you were here to hold me right
Sometimes in my dreams, I'd see you there
Almost as though you're real, I swear

When I dream of you, you seem so far
Missing you has left me a big scar
I called out your name but got no reply
Still I shout, until my throat goes dry

I don't hear your voice of comfort no more
But I shut people out, closing that door
I don't need them for you were all I need
Yet, in reality, who do I kid?

We used to dance under the moonlight
We'd look up to the starry night
A part of you will always have my heart
You light up my world even in the dark

I miss the times you'd hold me tight
And kiss my forehead after every single fight
I loved the way you made me happy
And showed me things I never could see

I miss those hugs and I really miss that smile
I miss the way you drove me crazily wild
Thinking of you used to help me get through
Now thinking of you just makes me feel blue

I lay awake at nights, wondering, what if?
Because right now I'm falling off a cliff
What if you were still alive and well?
You'd be able to pull me out of this hell

Memories of us now seemed like a nightmare
I'd wake up and find myself gasping for air
You're taunting me, you're making me feel weak
Stuff my mouth in my pillow to muffle my shriek

I hate feeling like this, hate what you did
It's not your fault still I blame you for it
I can't sleep because I'm afraid you'll appear
And just when I reach out, you'll disappear

There's this hollow feeling I feel now
You're not here to keep me safe and sound
Hypnophobia is the fear of sleeping
For when I try, I feel like I'm choking

Empty.
It's just a word.
A word that means 'without anything'.
 
Like my heart.
Like my home.
Empty.
 
Left with nothing
Like a hole
Without a soul
 
Once was filled
But now it's gone
Empty
 
In the dark
All alone
By yourself
 
Without a sound
In the cold
Left to die
 
Empty.

i ask you to be patient

there are still cracks between my ribcage
i am trying to fix
and i am still searching for ways to mend
my broken, tattered wings

there are parts of me like missing puzzle pieces
i'm still trying to find
and i own many things, yet if there's one thing
i do not own, that would be time

again, i must ask you to be patient

at times my head is a storm of emotions;
thunder and lightning are all i hear
at times i will play a game of hide and seek
yet it's not you i hide from but my fears

i'm the girl who wears her heart on her sleeves
yet i hide behind closed doors
the kind who smiles bright like fire
though she crumbles in ashes to the floor

once more, please be patient

wait; i promise you'll see the masterpiece i am
for i am of many dimensions
and through my eyes, you will see
my thoughts as the stars made into constellations

i am the galaxy, and i am infinite
a firework, a work of art
all i ask is for you to be patient and stay
to see past the pain darkening my heart

their cries for help became like whispers
almost like the mere passing wind
it blew against the people's ears
their pain ignored, dismissed, unseen

she doesn't recall how she has let
the demons to come, at her, to laugh
at the raging storm inside her head
against the war her heart has stirred up

as cliche as it seems, she is his world
she intoxicates the chemicals he breathes
he couldn't let go of that one girl
her poison seeping to his soul within

like the falling of the autumn leaves
were the tears cascading down her cheeks
no sounds were made from her trembling lips
closing up like leaves dried and crisped

a rose is beautiful but its stem grows thorns
tightly he embraces her, the more he bleeds
the petals are wilting, dying, all forlon
his soul colors the same shade, dark and bleak

they walk alone in the pouring rain
the gloomy skies crying with them
they look like they're to be washed away
their world has crumbled to ashes again

you were the oxygen that ran through my veins
i was the toxic seeping into your lungs
i was consuming the air you breathed
i am poison that infected your life

you were the one who brought out the best in me
while i brought out the worse in you
and knowing that, it sickened you to the core
i am the bad habit you tried to break

you tried to change because you hated who you were
i told you to stay just as you are, you're fine like that
for me, you listened and gave into my words
i am the devil's voice inside your head

you clung onto the rope that leads you into the light
but i cut it off, keeping you here with me in the dark
i didn't want to be alone
i am the demon who led you astray

all you ever wanted in life was to be happy
but i fed on your misery, and that made me happy
at least you were by my side,
i am the thorns that killed the delicate rose

then one day you decided you've had it
you packed your bags and took your leave
i guess i deserved that, to be abandoned
because i brought you pain you'd never fathomed

and i hope these days you've been doing well
i hope you've found your happiness now
because i was the reason for your gloomy days
and i am the one who drove you away