Larry Cook was a crabby old ******* almost as bad as the ******* he caught and sold off the waters on Knotts Island North Carolina.
Every other morning during the season he was up at the **** ***** of dawn and on the water either pulling or baiting pots.
He worked hard, he drank even harder.
He was back at the marina went and sold his ***** paid his crew and hit the bar like clockwork.
If he made it home was never the question, now if he it made into the home most nights was.
He lived in a nice old house his neighbors thought he was a freak.
And he thought they were all a bunch of stuck up yuppie *******.
He passed out on the lawn.
But he didn't give a **** for it was his lawn to pass out on.
He sat there on his tail gate one morning after a good ******.
His next door neighbor just glared.
He cracked a beer and just laughed.
The neighbors seven year old kid walked up to him.
Larry Cook hated kids.
And they always seemed to be drawn to him for some ****** up reason .
Like a **** house cat.
Course Larry never hated ***** although that never quite seemed drawn to him like ******* kids.
The kid just stood there staring.
Larry just kept drinking his beer.
“My dad says you're a nasty old drunk.”
Larry just looked at the kid and almost laughed.
“Yeah that really hurts cause I thought me and him were always friends.”
“Really that's weird because he hates you Mr Cook.”
Larry cracked another beer.
“So what the **** you doing over here shrimp.”
“Really seems like you're also a bit ******* as well.”
“You shouldn't use that word Mr Cook its offensive.”
Larry saw the kid’s mother step out on the front porch.
She had a look on her face as if her little bed wetter was speaking to the Devil himself.
“Well Frodo I believe you're mother wants you.”
“She thinks you're crazy.”
“Most women do.”
“She said that's why you're wife ran off and left you and cause you're a drunk.”
“Bobby stop bothering Mr Cook.”
Bobby's mother called out.
“Looks like the warden's calling kid.”
“Well Mr Cook I guess I better go.”
“Yeah **** for brains come back and visit when you can’t stay as long.”
“Mr Cook I don't think you're so bad aside from sleeping on the front yard and hating everyone.”
“Yeah thanks and tell your mother even though she’s a uptight *****, I still think she has a great *** and thanks for not drawing the blinds last night.”
The kid just looked at Larry oddly and shrugged his shoulders.
“Okay well talk to you later.”
Larry learned a lot of things from his conversation with the kid that day.
He only passed out in his back yard from there on out.
From my book .
Smoking At The Gas Pumps .
As I have moved to publication and fulltime editing I still always remember where I really first began pushing my scribbling out there .
This page has been all I had when the nights seemed eternal and the storms seemed many.
It bled my truths .
It brought me those I loved, and helped push them away as well.
I have rode the winds and crashed into the rocks .
Embraced self destruction captured every lie and bared far to many truths .
I guess this is all that's left .
So I will end it , where it began .
Now this page holds my last truth.
She said .
"It's me or the bottle *******"!
I admired the view of the door as it smacked her on the *** .
She hit the road and me I simply hit the bar .
Played some songs on the jukebox and didn't say a word to the folks around me .
Drank till I passed out and realized the **** storm I was in the very next morning .
She was gone and I was left here alone.
Without wheels and only a lone beer in the fridge .
Well no one ever claimed I was smart .
I wonder if she could turn round somewhere in Kentucky .
Pick me up a bottle then bring that pretty little *** back meet with a smile at the door.
Run into these open arms .
Embrace those lips and face those tears .
Then sit her down hand her the money and take my bottle and
tell her thanks before I slam the door in her face .
Whiskey heals all wounds .
And as for you my dear have a safe trip .
I am not around much I been busy recently having a book published by Alien Buddha Press .
Once is now available on amazon
A Cold Beer Beats A Warm Heart
Pick up a copy today its sure to give you a distant buzz .
I had become what most yearn for.
Anyone can want what they truly do not understand .
You never know you like something until you finally get a taste for what it truly is .
My plate is full these days .
Every line has a direction and it becomes more mechanical by the second.
People laugh at me less .
Some envy .
Fools often hate what they themselves could never do.
They think what I forged in fire somehow was handed from the Heavens.
The tattered edges now refined .
It took a toxic environment and a **** for its release.
I didn't cheat my self indulgence .
But I **** sure scammed myself about happiness.
I worked for this plain and simple.
I stayed around till I had proven a fluke is one thing I wasn't.
If your waiting for a encore .
You have to let me finish first .
She always loved the ocean .
And often she drug him along although he hated the the sand .
Frank was never much of a beach person but it was beautiful with her always .
"Why won't you marry me "?
She asked as they sat together upon the shore.
"Come on Beth didn't you get enough ******* form your last marriage "?
"He was a ******* but your the one I was supposed to marry I made a mistake ".
"So now your looking to make another "
Frank replied laughing .
Beth was not amused .
She was always in love with him and Frank knew full well he was not with her .
She was fun in small doses .
She was great in bed but eventually you had to be able to communicate .
Beth was the sort that never stopped talking and seldom had a **** thing to truly say.
Susan always plagued his thoughts .
Because she although a ***** was the one he could not forget.
There was something in the silence they shared .
She was gone and so was it .
And now he simply drank to forget and wrote **** to fill the space and grab publication.
"You know I love you so what's the deal dude"?
" Look sweetheart it's never going to happen so maybe its best we not continue to do this anymore ".
And with that it was over .
Beth cursed him out and stomped off .
He watched her as she vanished over the dunes and faded from his life .
She would be far from the last to say goodbye .
He grabbed the last beer from the sixpack.
Listened to the waves crash into the shore .
It was empty peaceful and perfect in everyway.
Then Frank thought to himself .
He hadn't taken his car .
And he had left his phone on the dash of Beth's.
As he walked over the dunes he viewed the parking lot and as he figured Beth was nowhere to be found .
He viewed the little shops all were closed except for a little bar called the Riptide .
He laughed to himself .
For he may be stranded but least he was far from alone .
Any port in a storm beats standing outside in the rain .
The place was packed but it served cocktails .
Least he wouldn't die from lack of thirst .
And maybe a beachcombers existence would suit him for awhile .
Beth would find another much like Frank would always land on his often unbalanced and drunken feet .
He had a lot of practice .
The night had only just begun.
I am not around here much anymore but being a full time editor a well as published writer keeps me busy .
But still I will always be around .
Stay crazy .
The sun was bright and the breeze was nowhere to be found.
I sat alone but that wasn't a bad thing.
The peace I needed was not what a average man desired .
Most of those I knew had lovers , wives, family's , jobs that paid well and destroyed there souls all the same .
I had no responsibilities some thought this wrong.
I had once had a woman.
I in truth had known the comfort of many.
I loved one she no longer thought the same.
I never settled for something else when I could have that which I desired .
I didn't know freedom we all have our boundaries.
But sometimes alone in the silence I knew a peace few ever could .
I had the page and that was good enough for now .
Now if only I had a cool breeze and a cold drink then you probably wouldn't be reading this.
For life is always best lived not written about.
This was simply a pit stop and nothing more .
Tonight like any other you won't say goodnight.
I won't tell the truth and you won't dare to ask.
The message will be lost behind the laugh and I will just bury myself with yet another illusion.
Truth is simple people are not.
We somehow missed the point and connected just a little to late .
Crossed lines burned at the edges.
You can't plan life it just happens.
And the worst fools never allow themselves to know if it was anything worth a **** to begin with.
We can't live never knowing in fear of falling flat upon are faces.
It seems the closer you become the further the delusion grows .
It is sad what a person can mask in fear .
Another night passed .
Eventually there won't be a second chance .
She never said it was gone it just faded like a sunset and the light hasn't crept in yet.
Where did it go?
Was it the pill's the drinks or maybe a combination
of something we never cared to recall?
I walk towards the end as you simply walked away.
Nothing holds you better than the regrets through yet another empty hours night .
You drink to forget then you just somehow forget to stop .
Watch one to many a sunrise then repeat the cycle till one day your no longer here .
I'm not in denial of the truth I embrace it as once I did you .
And now I wait where others choose to live .
Catching a buzz and a one night stand in-between .
Painting the pictures that write the page in regrets and dead end streets it all goes to **** eventually why not have a smoke before the fires of your personal demons consume you .
I never cared for conversation's much to begin with .
And now I find little reason to disturb the silence to simply hear my own words spoken aloud .
It's definitely half empty in this case but at least it was a hundred proof to begin with .
Never ******* yourself it was always a gamble from the start.
I could never pen the words without the inspiration.
You have always been the silent partner behind the madness and I know many will read this wrong.
Sweetheart I am a world of trouble and a sea of regret .
But your presence amongst the insanity has remained my light no matter how lost I was you remained.
And no words will ever repay the debt I certainly owe.
The voice that laughed on the other end of a conversation when I found only darkness instead .
I owe you everything as now I find my place .
I know words are my path and you knew them first .
We are all lost in some way but no words can do justice to the
person that I know beyond this page .
Sweetheart I seldom let anyone in but we know the truths beyond the storms in this life .
This debt I can never repay but these words I can certainly write.
This is what I leave to you.
The soul is my work and this yet another goodnight.
No flowers to wither and no fruit to spoil.
Trace it's more than words but all I can give for now .
Hold this true from a joker and a best friend that lingers in conversation that which can so easily be cast upon this page.
A wink and a thought shared on yet another long distance call.
No words will ever describe what you mean to me .
I guess I will say nothing and just let the credits roll .
We know are truths and that's good enough for now.
I may be good at short stories and getting poetry published as of late but to whom this is dedicated deserves far better .
But **** consider the ***** Thats writing it .
We almost found it somewhere through are addictions and abuse.
Where the young and delusional tread we walked a path of broken glass and razor wire .
Bled the emotions for all they were worth than killed it in a second now only I concern myself with a past you erased with miles between.
Maybe you let it seep within alone in moments none others may see .
But a fool's hope is all there is of me and you desired the separation .
My time is not long for here as I do everything to destroy myself .
I question why I linger then think in death there won't be another fix.
I have embraced the scene while you have rewritten the act .
Let's ride like once before the miles ahead and the razors edge a promise and nothing more .
we lived in eight where most only exist in thirteen .
A ring , A bruise, A scar and a sweet once passion filled kiss .
Was it are love of one another or just a love for the chaos .
Nobody walks away unscathed from this dance .
I wonder if ever do you recall the past as I?
And the lights will soon dim upon this scene .
Never fear losing a friendship due to the ******* that is known as truth.
I have been alone I have been with many and I have been with you.
We can dance in avoidance of pain masking are emotions only for so long.
I see it in your eyes and if you were a book my dear I would linger upon every page .
I could tell you its simply a friendship but I never ******* anyone let alone myself .
I know what it is and sweetheart so do you we didn't seek it cause the best kind of poison is made of the sweetest desire .
There's not a night the thought I do not entertain .
As we know separately the direction is best shared together as one .
I have no words besides what your reading now .
And these will be the blood of my soul I cast of dark magic in efforts of reaching out to you .
The key is yours and we know our truths so believe what you must to get you through another empty night .
We know what this is and I simply wait to know what's under the cover so stop the game and simply allow me to read every line that lay between .
I been writing like a mad man and had my works passport get stamped in multiple countries .
Australia, Italy , Germany , England, Indiana .
Okay Indiana was more a state run mental institution but I was published there none the less and I liked finger painting graham crackers and crazy women so probs to them.
I mean I didn't want to visit there or anything no offense but im not a big fan off fields and chainsaw art .
I stayed busy flask in pocket and my mind constantly towards the page .
I had gained respect but still I always found my way home .
For better or worse Hello has been the house that me and few other writers built I was here from day one i'm the flaw you just can't hide .
Everyone's favorite black sheep and all around lovable train wreck.
My place was permanent .
Like me or hate me you couldn't ignore me .
Well you could try but I usually won people over or annoyed them to the point of blocking me and joining the witness relocation program but enough about my past relationships .
I was taking some time off from three months straight of chasing publication.
I posted a write at this place I called home for so many years .
It was solid as a brick **** house .
Then some kid posted a write that was total **** but had a pic of her cleavage in the restroom mirror .
It trended in two seconds had a bunch of ***** ******* telling lies in vague hopes to see more .
I knew the ship wasn't sinking it long since met its demise on the icy dark oceans floor .
You just can't compete with *******.
I set my sails to the closest port .
I would share some drinks and maybe see some familiar faces .
I believe a pirate is better suited to roam than be food for the ***** .
My future is in the wind not lost within the depths .
Stay crazy hope are ships pass in the night .
And if ever we find ourselves in the same port .
First rounds on you .
Never sit and wait for decay on any level will consume you .
I had finally broke through on a small scale the words were selling .
I found less and less reason to find outside jobs to support myself anymore I drank as I pleased and slept in late .
I was amongst a few but we seldom if ever crossed paths .
We knew we existed but when you step from the playground to the battlefield there is a change that comes over you I cannot explain unless you are there .
People became less and less a concern of mine .
Those I gave a **** about had either died or left long ago.
To gain anything you must be willing to lose everything .
The person you once were must die .
Maybe some found it easy .
They scribbled some words down found a fool to publish it and struck gold .
But fairy tales weren't my style and I had reached the finish line empty and broken .
But I had reached the ******* ! , And that is all that truly matters .
I thought of those that doubted me .
I thought of the women with whom had shared my bed .
Most thought I was insane and for some that is what drew them to me .
That drive was always there .
I remember sitting in the dark with one such woman .
"Even when your happy you seem so deeply sad inside ".
She said to me her head on the pillow .
As we looked into one another's eyes.
"I'm always thinking sweetheart it's just my nature'.
"Please just be happy baby everything is going to work out I promise ".
We kissed she laid her head on my chest and drifted off to sleep as I counted the demons of my past in the shadows .
They lingered like smoke rings in the air.
I knew are paths were destined to part .
Promises are for fool hearted children not bitter old men as I.
She found another and I found my place amongst those who grasped what few ever could .
We were guarded to others .
Insane to many for we chased a illusion and turned it into our existence .
It was a scene of emptiness and regrets we erased from the simple readers view .
And as for me I bleed the truths of my past upon every page making it seem like art fooling everyone but myself.
It was a fight to remain afloat yet I swam with the sharks and thrived amongst the few .
I gave up everything that ever mattered to me.
And was a stranger now to even my oldest friends .
We were are killers for we had stepped on anyone who dared get in the way .
Never believe me to be the victim for I made my choices and now
I sit at the table eager to reap its rewards .
It's never a gift it's work plain and simple .
You clock in bleed your soul and bust your *** .
learn to smile at rejections and keep moving no matter how many times they try to break you.
What was once a child's escape is now a fulltime ****.
And I paid my dues in blood and heartache followed by vices that continue to consume me daily .
When you find yourself here, If this is truly for you remember as you ache from the pains of a life lived and a heart shattered not to mention a mind just a shock treatment away from the asylum .
You wanted this.
The view is never the same from murders row .
Don't ever believe a night to be nothing more than another days passing and a new ones birth.
I have shed the remorse now nothing stands between me and every goal that will **** the past and me just the same.
Don't breathe in delusion just to expel ******* mixed with hope .
Take the ride and embrace the night for what it is and everything it can never be .
There is nothing beyond the moment.
My road is always meant to be faced alone .
And I cannot be anything beyond the moment when death is the only promise I can be reassured of.
Sometimes a harsh truth beats the best well intended lie.
And a kiss goodbye suits the story far better than a slow demise .
Never hang your hopes in a good time .
Passion is a fire that burns to get you through a single night at best.
Truth suits me far better .
Be bad in the best way sweetheart.
It was years ago , A fellow writer who felt it was there duty in life to judge others wrote me.
I have read a few of your works and believe someone needs to tell you to save you the embarrassment .
Your antics are not talent your
words are muddled at best .
And your gutter sense of humor is childish and truly a embarrassment to us serious writers.
You should probably seek out a workshop or look to your fellow writers for some tips or maybe just stop writing altogether .
I read the message and laughed .
I have over thirty works in publication and far more on the way .
Opinions are like *******.
And to that writer I shall leave unnamed .
Who's words fall flat on the sidewalk like a **** from a mongrel dogs ***.
Hope your doing well.
I never listened then and I **** sure am not listening now.
When you hand out advice you better make **** sure your standing on solid ground before you cast a opinion
Keep writing is all I can tell you .
Through the rejections and the people that tell you to give up .
You will pass them all by eventually.
******* are not a dying breed.
I seldom need people and being they are seldom around it sort of balances itself out .
Friendships are like flowers they take to much care to keep them alive.
As for me.
I'm a cactus a total ***** .
I hung on her laughter my bad jokes kind of filled the void between us.
Like a fog of ciggertte smoke that cast its illusion over the room I sat as we spoke over the phone.
My drinks flowed and my words slurred .
She hung on the line.
The best kind always do.
It was the simple flirts that keep the soul young and the liver well its a sad customer to begin with on my side.
I imagined are time together in person.
And she shook her head , Wondering was there more beyond the train wreck of a person on the other end of the line.
I poured another .
"You should probably slow down don't you think?'
"Yeah probably but with company like your's sweetheart who would ever want the night to end".
She laughed .
"Your so full of **** ".
"Tell me something I don't know sweetheart".
Even when I was drunk I was a first class ******* artist.
And a grade a smart ***.
I kept her laughing and although she would't admit she was having fun.
She was tired though and me I was a night owl besides I was never eager to face the silence of a long night ahead.
"I'm so tired lets go to bed"
She said half asleep not realizing the words she had spoken.
"Why darling I thought you'd never ask "
She busted up laughing .
"You know what I meant good Lord your just gonna have a heyday with that one aren't you"?
"Oh now sweetheart would I ever give you **** bout a simple slip like that"?
"You ****** I bet you write about me saying that you watch"
I pretended to be mildly insulted joking the whole time.
"Me exploit something said in the privacy of are personal conversation darling"
"I'm shocked you would ever think I could sink so low ".
She said said as she hung up the phone and the warmth I felt just turned a tad bit colder as I faced yet the rest of my night alone.
Be careful what you say to writers.
The red light in my minds always recording.
And this rose is for you my dear.
Sincerely your favorite fiend
I've had a great deal of success with publishing as of late and I owe a great deal to the person whom this write is based on.
Thank you Tracey.
Are secrets are always kinda safe with me .
Is often called a barroom poet slash outlaw .
Who's work has been featured in some mags that clearly do not care about good taste or morals .
When not living as a total recluse drinking his liver silly and watching ****, He often enjoys long drives by himself picking up hookers but enough bout his ex wife.
His short stories usually revolve around some demented ******* much like himself .
He currently resides in **** or as others call it North Carolina .
Where him and his dog share drinks and take turns being the designated drunk driver .
His work will probably give you a contact high or at least the clap.
And stay crazy .
Never take yourself serious hamsters
We sat there at the bar were I always preferred to hold court .
"Hey man Rebecca tell's me you write".
The young kid said as he took a seat next to me .
"If you can call it that then yes I do bud".
"Well to be honest when Rebecca told me that I looked up your work ", "Your style isn't my cup of tea but you are a skilled writer".
"Oh yeah I'm Brandon by the way ".
The young kid said sticking out his hand .
I shook and braced myself for whatever boredom I was about to endure .
"So you write also I take it or you just a critic"?.
"Oh I'm no critic I write but I write science fiction it's simply a more free forum to me with endless possibilities ".
Wonderful I thought to myself not only am I sitting next to someone who thinks there a writer they have to be a godammed science fiction writer!
"Do you ever read science fiction"?
"Not if I can help it".
"Oh why is that "?
I took another swing of beer decided to light a cigarette maybe the smoke would drive this mosquito of a person away.
"Bud I will be honest I write what I know , "And time travel and space ships and bio mechanics is just a little out my depth you see".
"Well it can get complex I suppose ".
"Well kid honestly if I have to spend five chapters explaining the environment and setting up the story I've already lost interest".
"Yes but the freedom it gives the writer is without limits the pallet is so vast".
"I'm happy just staying in my corner kid and I am no painter so I prefer a page to a canvas".
"Well I think you would really like my work maybe I could share some with you sometime".
"I'm good bud".
I ordered another beer the kid beside me just kept silent least for a second .
I kind of felt like a ***** so I told the bartender grab one for my friend here .
I was a ******* but anyone who had the ***** to put themselves out there still was owed a ounce of respect even if I didn't dig there style .
"Hey thanks is it okay if I call you Jack"?.
"It's my name bud so feel free".
We sat there spoke about the flustrations of publishers and rejection slips all the normal ******* that goes along with writing .
"Jack how did you break through"?
" I Mean you get published you get read how did you do it"?
"It's no secret kid ,I just kept writing through the ******* ".
"You see eventually if you dont go away and your work is good someone will say yes ".
"It's no different than chasing women , You take a room of fifty women you ask every single one of them to dance someone's going to say yes ".
"I thought all women love to dance ".
"Most yes ,But not all and usually its more appealing from far better looking men".
The kid laughed and replied well I guess you got a point there .
"Jack you ever think about writing about more than just ***** and chasing women "?
"It just seems so limited give me the moon and stars worlds unknown that's the sight I yern to see".
I laughed as the bartender sat two beers down took my money off the bar and stared at her nice round *** as she walked away to get my change.
"Kid you can have the moon and stars I'm doin just fine with the view down here".
We gave the night a fling and spoke without words letting only are emotions and passions do as they pleased .
I don't care to know you beyond this night she said and that suited me just fine.
We spared no secret and loved a moment for what it was .
Inside we find solace in warm bodies and cold souls.
Only the night breathes passion and the ocean creeps across the sound.
Salt we taste of spent passions does the moment breathe as heavy as I ?
You are far better than the page .
And far less than anything that soothes a bitter heart and nothing more .
She was that which could consume most but could never truly grasp a devilish truth of a wicked reprise that was me.
No closed eyes for some things need to be seen.
Was it something more .
Tell yourself so if it feeds your ego.
But it was something .
I may never be good.
But I'm always a good time.
The portrait never shows the time or pain behind every brush ****** are flaws so easily hidden in the beauty that stands before us now.
It's a slow death in the pages and
a world of torment so easily escaped in this room alone.
I can show any emotion so why must I stay here in the confines of this one .
Maybe we **** what we love the most simply to watch it die.
The innocence lost with time now the bitter winds flow so cold through the trees that once knew spring .
Can we see it for what it truly is .
The art we create and the happiness we sacrifice along the way .
Old paintings like tombstones are simply markers of a time the earth did embrace our existence.
And something I know longer can bare to view .
Its been weeks and still there isn't a moment i escape your memory.
I tried the bottle and it only made me find the depths of emptiness that dwell within my soul.
I know my life has come to its closing moments I watch it fade a sunsets reprise sitting upon the sandy shore .
I no longer give a **** to fight I wish only to allow the tide to consume what is left and nothing more .
We are all bunt out buildings from the wars waged upon ourselves .
Now let the dark waters give rest where torment once stood on full display.
I am tired beyond my years no longer content to simply exist were once I rode the wind .
My choices are but my own never try to follow another footsteps for there shadows cast will freeze you out in there ego's nature by design.
There is no more lines left .
The ink as blood no longer does course through my veins.
I'm simply waiting on the tide to take what's left away.
Some people mean well but when they ask you the question
are they really prepared for the answer?
How am I? Well let me tell you.
Life is lived daily by the frayed edges of well worn rope.
My stale cigarette is just one inhale away from burning my flesh.
Lovers? I'm one **** away from a grand STD because I don't care
enough to love anymore. Just into the harsh slip and slide offered
in the back of the sticky floored bar. It's filled with people like me here.
We don't talk, we stare, we smoke, the burn of the poison going down
strokes a fire that makes us feel alive.
They want me to change. Change is was what brought me here.
Ironic isn't it? Massive waves of stench roll over my light filled
soul trying to dim. That, they can never have. No matter how far
I've gone into the dark night of the soul...no one gets my flame.
A poison push just another shot then we simply say are goodbyes .
Can we even see beyond the miles now we walked through **** and just as many walk through that door.
Is it malice we take are bitterness sharing with every one night stand .
Junkies are all the same with far better titles
Alleys of emptiness and rooms cast in shadow will the night corrupt us all turning the meek into rats .
Afraid we no longer recognize are reflection hidden in coffins and that early graves promise .
Can you take me with my burden or simply say ******* goodbye?
We all fall down sometimes and others simply prefer to crash and burn.
One more round turns to seven more years the trap was set and you simply put your hand within the fire .
We are all over-sized children playing a fatal game~
Torn the flesh does the monster consume the grave is calling and I dance with glee towards my demise .
Counting scars making new wounds all the time does the trigger appeal to you or just the outcome ?
Lets bleed for no reason and get lost never to return as one.
Fractions of many will be trampled by the few.
With help from old friends and a quick fix keep away from the windows and lock your thoughts far away from.your heart .
I'm the fool dancing happily on the outer wall .
Devils find promise in the loaded deck where madmen seek nothing at all.
Tombstones mark the many .
And you simply are standing upright for now .
The rattle snakes venom such dark pleasures cast beyond the page .
We can no longer pretend .
The madman needs nothing but a asylum but hides as well on a empty street.
Scarecrows stand casting shadows tall in summers heat.
Nobody wants to see there truths clear .
Blind yourself while you can for the worst is still ahead .
And the darkness consumes the best of us all.
I know the highway you choose to ignore .
Madness is always within the miles yet unseen that lay ahead .
There's no detour through ****.
Simply a straight line .
Does the time make us fools or simply were we always so to begin with .
Sketches faded now remain a ghost that haunts only the artist and nobody else.
The clock strikes midnight, but time stands still in this illusion of borrowed hours
Will there be a moments peace within the turmoil which ever lingers upon this day
The hours are toxic to a idle mind.
Falling in a routine and a favorite vice the blade still glimmers even after all its use .
We always find misery easily where others just themselves.
Voices speak to me of freedom
But freedom is not something I desire
I beg and plead with you
what do you care
But don't treat me like a fool
A fools freedom in your smile
Is not freedom at all
As I walk now past empty gardens that once knew life of summers embrace .
Winters chill is a empty ended promise .
Now simply scorched is the earth that does remain.
The clock upon the wall simply keeps time we only hold memories and nothing more
Life has been a listless game of joys and sorrows
I've spent my joys too quickly and they nowadays spread themselves thin upon the stage which is my life
Sorrowful me that lingers on the edge of reason
May reason be the saving of my sanity and not its end
Rai has been a great friend through the years and it was a honor to do this co write with her .
And for someone who had not co written before I swear she could have fooled me .
Thank you my friend
I been drinking since I was sixteen .
That was many a moon ago.
I been in the party life most all my life .
It was a natural environment I fit in like the ******* furniture .
I played the scene for all its worth found many a warm bed seldom was it my own.
Then for awhile I stepped away .
Never from the bottle just from the scene.
Many thought the edge was gone that the wolf settled down became some old dog sleeping upon the porch.
But anything planned is often foiled by life.
And now back to what will be my cemeteries existence I return.
Alone but then again a lone wolf isn't the a wolf if not alone.
The fangs still sharp with some fresh scars on display.
False happiness and full of **** .
It wasn't my choice to return but at the party till my death shall I stay.
We all find ourselves wherever the **** we least expected .
You can't plan life but you can catch a buzz somewhere in the ******* inbetween.
Its the end I never cared to write the distance to great and still within my reach.
My road now is traveled alone and I simply check still to see if your there.
The mind is the worst prison of them all
My thoughts far stronger than the iron bars I view the outside world has become a stranger now.
I know my truths and see your path separate .
A man can only take so much and I have died many times only to return a little less than what I was before.
Nothings left now tell me where we go from nowhere ?
Another midnight drive looking for what I can never find.
Old pictures captured emotions I just can't stand to bleed these lines.
Maybe it catches you when none other can see.
And the scar we bare together .
You view alone shed a tear and recall .
All I know is my page is coming to its chapters close.
We chased many a sunset kid.
And I am left with nothing else to say.
It wasnt my best day in fact I was lost like a person who has actual musical taste at a modern pop concert.
Hopeless beaten in need of a hug or maybe something else .
Hey id sit outside with a sign around my neck saying *******.please if I thought it actually work.
What dont judge me and dudes need not apply that was a phase in college .
Im kidding I never went to college
She was gone and i was alone left with the farting dog and a world of pain while the miserable **** puppy was off having the time of her life .
Minus the ***** dancing and Patrick Swayze wearing his skin tight **** black shirt .
But nobody puts baby i a corner im just saying.
Sure I was alone my ***** supply running low trapped in a ******* no hope of getting laid in sight but who's ******* bitter .
I mean I could replace my favorite nypho ******* head cheerleader with the snap of my fingers.
Yeah I was totally ****** .
I didn't miss her so.much but why the **** did she have to take her ******* ****** with her **** greedy ***** .
******* women ya think they could just leave it behind like half there ******* clothes but oh no the greedy *** *******.
And to all the ladies reading this please dont take offense im not calling all of you ******* just the ***** ***** I was with for six ******* years but again im not bitter.
I was high and dry left only with half her **** and some farting furry hobo I called ****** .
Hey I was the man!
I was the one that was supposed to leave her in the dust .
It was then I had a moment of genius and yet another stiff drink cause my live in ****** left me to die in misery but who's bitter.
I dialed her number .
And to.my suprize she picked up.
Um are you just calling to not say anything yet again like last night while you play some.****** up hair metal power ballad in the background again?
Hey sorry bout that last night didn't realize my phone was on .
Yeah was at a total **** ***** chicks everywhere didn't know I called you being I was so busy banging the night away totally not thinking of you.
Yeah that's why I could hear you crying and please pick.better music next time okay .
Well im sorry my.why did you leave me you cold hearted ***** playlist wouldn't load .
Jesus Christ Gonzo im.not going to do this with you I told you were done I love you but im not in love with you cause im a heartless ***** .
Okay she didn't say the last part but all my stories are based on reality duh there's a difference.
I paused thought about all the good times and ***** things we used to do I was really having one of those sappy TV show moments.
Gonzo what the **** are you doing?
Kelley asked .
Nothing why just thinking bout the past looking at some home movies we made.
Jesus ******* christ!
Your watching **** and talking to me do not tell me.your jerking off as well you ******* pervert!
Kelley said. In her **** angry voice once made me think I was in trouble or gonna get a spanking once I didn't fear cause she was on the phone and duh ya can't do that over the phone ******* reader .
I swear you people who read this are total weirdos I guess that why I love you so much .
But enough with the foreplay children.
After I um got off the subject of if I was ******* to some art films me and my ex made together .
It was really a think piece about a woman kinda lost seeking to find herself with no gag reflex .
I really miss my ******.
Sure she was a cruel ,ruthless,lying,Cheating **** puppy but she gave me *** without charging .
To.much that is hahaha I know im ****** up but dont judge me least im a honest pervert.
Gonzo you know there's always going to be a part of me that loves you .
Yeah kid I know .
We were both silent for awhile .
I paused recalled the nights remebred just how close we were laying together in the dark .
Looking into each others eyes .
The scared messed up trainwreck of a soul that always laughed at my jokes.
The silence went on forever till I farted the loudest **** possible It was long and stinky honestly it sounded like a bomb going off and smelled worse than strippers g string after a long night at the club .
Not that I know what that would smell like I mean from what I've been told I mean.
Well at least its good to know nothings ever serious with you.
You drunken ******* .
So does this mean you've seen the error of your ways and are on the first flight home to totally ***** the life outta me again?
Okay maybe a ******* ?
Don't think so Gonzo.
**** okay a ******* while we watch one of those *** *** chick flicks you like .
Hey you be suprized how good the notebook is while getting ****** off.
Mmm Ryan Gosling mucho **** is all I'm gonna say.
Im kidding well kinda.
Gonz honey I know your in pain and I just want you to promise me this baby.
Please don't stop writing okay.
Kelley said to me.
I don't care what its about baby just never stop I love your work I always will you know your my favorite writer always.
I just got to figure me out is all.
I paused to drag this story out just a little longer and make the five of you that stuck through to read this **** wonder .
What the **** kind of **** is this nut on.
Well im definitely not on my ex haha but who is bitter.
We spoke a llittle longer I made her laugh as always promised her I would keep on being the greatest perverted short story writer on a site for poets that I could be.
We hung up went are separate ways.
I went on to be captain kickass .
And Kelley she fell asleep at the wheel drove off the side of a mountain dying in a fiery death .
Im kidding well I can always hope .
Im still writing like she asked.
And as long if your reading this sweetheart I know your demented *** thinks its funny .
Hello my.name is Gonzo and if upon reading this you were offended .
Please feel to contact me at www.its called a ******* sense of humor so lighten the **** up .com
There is no easy way to take it.
The rejection of many never compares to that of one once true
They are the ones that always hit you the hardest.
I have buried myself to avoid the pain of the many my defenses are stronger than the average man.
She was my exception .
I didn't try to stop you .
Only a fool pleads.
Giving what little dignity he has for a thin chance at something that is over to begin with.
Kelley was my poison she was like certain death and a good time all rolled into one.
She never cared for anyone let alone me
But I made her laugh and that was good enough to have her for six years .
She was the one I wasnt supposed to have.
Young beautiful she was from a world I could never understand.
But she loved me for what reasons I will never truly grasp.
I missed are passion for everything.
Fighting ,Drinking ,*******.
She understood madness with a good dose of her own.
The week she left me.for good I stayed on a three week drunk.
Eat pills like they were candy and found after awhile even being numb has a emptiness that simply masks pain.
The phone would ring and I knew it was her.
I couldn't answer.
It wasnt that I didn't want to hear from her.
It was I didn't want to allow lies to feed a glimmer of hope.
Writers are professional liars.
She was no writer.
She was something far worse.
She was a women whom had a mans mentality.
She was as ****** up as me and I knew her love was toxic .
She was like a cigarette to a trying to quit smoker .
Sure it can **** you but man one draw and that poison never tasted so good.
Death can be tempting when it looks so ******* good.
I was the past to her .
Nobody ever stays in love with the past.
I sat there alone in my cluttered room watching one day flow into the next.
Dust grew upon the page.
My thoughts simply stayed in a state of rewind.
Im not home now leave message after the beep.
Baby please talk to me.
Kelly's voice came through.
I didn't answer .
There's only silence amougsnt the tombstones.
We sat there drinking baring are souls and cutting through ******* one drink at a time.
I never hung around other writers I wasn't a people person to begin with.
Silence was its own company .
And a man who could hold court with it and remain sane was stronger than most in a crowded room.
We poured the drinks and spoke of everything aside from the page.
To generals seldom give away secrets to there success or in are case the lack there of it.
Are scars were are own and my friend knew enough that we simply held court and stared at a woman bent over the jukebox.
Some lines are not written but are simply perfect enough as is.
We sat there till we closed the place down and vanished back to are own worlds .
We were wolves to the hunt all the same and are paths seldom crossed again.
Sometimes you howl into the night and somewhere from the depths the night howls back.
Sometimes its good to know another runs the same as me.
This is a tribute and nod to a fellow writer and one of the few writers I consider a brother .
Hope this connects bud .
Drinks on me always your brother from.the the south
As once you saw the man
an illusion of what does stand today.
You cannot fight the tide it will take you away no matter your efforts,
as easily as it did I.
The tide is not there for you to fight
It is in it's nature to devour you whole
What you are missing is your anchor
That very small part of your soul
That piece of you inside the storm
That whispers in the night
I know you are drifting away from me
but I'm strong enough to fight
I'll fight the tide to keep you here
Just bobbing along the shore
I'll fight against the tides of might
So you don't fight no more
I once saw a horse run free
along a lonely stretch of beach
It's hooves continually flicked free
the waters that corralled it's feet
Many sunsets and storms cast dunes
broke are the barriers now
none stand ever so true .
We are all alone from where we view the horses running along the shore.
All this beauty that runs, we are no longer part of this picturesque scene anymore.
I can't bear these thoughts
the pain is too soon
the soul dreams seem an illusion.
We ran till that point from which we began
We became a blur and everything in between.
Much like us, everything
just fell in between the cracks of life and regret, I have tasted it's wine bitter sorrows to be broken in every sense.
All those horses see the truths we so easily mask to ourselves.
Trampled like innocent hearts under hooves.
The foot prints are simply a reminder, running off into that endless sunset .
I know this speaks of goodbye.
And I wish only to be blind to it all
As in love I was once as free as the horses
who in my minds eternal thought
run as freely now as your heart is
Erasing me as the ocean does the imprint left behind.
I have to thank Helen
For the work put into this im not in the best place at the moment
You know I've always been a fighter .
And even when your on the ropes you still got to think there's a chance.
Many things in this life will attempt to break you.
People ,Disease. , Addiction .
We all fall down sometime .
Never ******* stay down .
I do t give a **** if it hurts .
If it's easy.
If we all can do it .
Then it isn't anything to begin with.
Ive broken my knuckles both my feet.
Destroyed my back and neck and I'm still standing nothing separates men more than the willingness to except defeat.
I will never say you are better than me even when you are.
Its not ego but if I become your mud puddle to step upon .
What are you when you stand alone but a fool who never met a challenge .
Do not allow this society to mind **** you into submission.
Far to many settle and get along.
You don't have to like me but you do have to respect I won't take your **** just to stand in your shadow.
I stand in my own spotlight and I suggest you find your own and allow it to shine brightly until your exit.
That's my advice kid.
Call me **** ,Call me a drunk .
Just never forget to call me by my name.
I'm always the hero of my **** as Bukowski would say.
Take it or leave it.
Some good sense from a life lived is far more useful than kissing *** and pretending to be something your not.
Be you and nobody will ever question.
Common sense goes a long way to well intended lies meant to never ruffle a single feather .
Fake pages and fluff writing are alot like toilet paper kid.
Except toilet papers more useful.
Keep your hands up and your head out of anothers ***.
For in life with age and ego you'll have to pull it out your own plenty if times .
He was as lonesome as a cemetery.
And far more empty than any barren field.
In your time nobody will recognize your genius till its flame has long since been extinguished.
Nobody sought out to be a legend they simply put one foot in front of the other in hopes just to get through as ****** as me or you.
He never knew exceptance and most thought him a outcast.
That ******* in the mirror was a stranger to even I.
Maybe the moon isn't as full from where you stand tonight across the distance only fools and coyotes know.
Maybe my old vices will do me in as you always said they will.
If it were nothing more than traggic wouldn't that be something just the same.
I never was meant for a vision you see of better days locked within your head.
I told you goodbye that night as the stars were masked by street lights and the pavement gave little cushion for are demise.
Maybe is a word often used in dreams but im far to awake to care for now.
The luck like the bottle around me is often empty.
I never hid behind dark glasses kid .
And I know you will learn to forget with time.
I never was meant for the sunset guess I will simply have to fade with the night instead.
Maybe you will recall me later in life .
Something tells me you can't love a lie no matter its intention.
And nothing understands the truth like the night passed .
The venom shared from the pillow held witness by the dark.
Can this embrace be cancer to us both?
Are the words hollow as so is the bullet just as dangerous in a lovers hand.
All will be forgiven one day when the hate has been washed clean and all truths tattered beyond reality.
Did we go beyond the path somewhere deeper than are first intention.
A ocean may drown as easy as the silence between us.
Nothing knows better than the night .
And her tears shed were simply a casting calls allure .
Smoke rings to the celling to vanish and linger all the same.
I am memory.
The worst poison of them all.
Killing with time and good intentions.
Nobody has a answer .
I was broke as usual it's okay I understood that far easier than I ever did being well off.
Long as there was a bottle and a room I could crash in I was good.
I never cared to gamble.
I lived my life that was a gamble enough
My money i preferred to be wasted upon myself not given to a fixed game played by overpaid children.
The only sport I ever loved was fighting.
I understood you against another.
In life its always you against the world.
I loved to fight even when you lose you know you've lived
I had stepped between those ropes often.
Paid the the price for a simple mistake and been knocked flat on my *** for it.
Boxing is a human chess match very few men have what it takes to go toe to toe with another.
Anyone can fall down it takes a man or mental patient to keep getting back up.
I had paid my dues broken bones multiple concussions between that and all the ***** poured into my skull you think I would be braindead by now.
Some would tell you I already was.
And those people would be like most full of **** speaking on things they know nothing about.
Critics come in all forms.
Don't worry over there opinions nobody ever worth a **** sat on the sidelines.
I had nothing to show for my years.
I could barely get moving some days.
But when the drinks hit me right and some young **** called me out i still had that spark that fueled the fire.
Never take **** from.anyone no matter how tuff they seem.
Anyone can get caught anyone can bleed.
Remember kids its not what you can dish out.
Its how much you can take and keep going that makes you tuff.
I wore my scars like tattoo's.
Everyone of them had a story.
I never believed in luck.
I just kept going no matter what stood before me.
If I depended on luck in my life.
I would be up **** creek for the rest of my existence.
Never stay down no matter how easy it seems.
**** its a slow night !
Mike said from across the table nursing his coffee inbtween passing the flask between us under the table.
Jack you pick up many fares tonight?
Bout the usual drunks bud but no its not been the best night .
Honestly I was happy bout the down time I was nursing hangover and truly didnt feel like dealing with peoples **** .
Listening to Mikey was bad enough he loved to ramble on about old stories and hookers he had nailed in his cab .
I swear I think sometimes he lived in that *******.
He certanly dressed like he did .Wearing the same clothes from last week .
You guys ever actually eat or do you just exist off ***** stories cigarettes and coffee.
Hey Susan you know I only come here to be in your presence .
Yeah right Jack hey you got anything in that flask you passing back and forth?
Sure do sweetheart I said as she leaned over the table she took a hit from the flask **** near emptying it.
Id care but I was to busy looking at her cleavage.
Hey leave something for us ***** Mike piped up.
Yeah well thats the cost of your buddy here looking down my shirt .
And what wonderful view it is sugar I said as she refilled my coffee totally ignoring Mike as usual .
What the **** man you wanna piece of *** I can tell you.where to look but dont let that ***** take all are ***** Jack.
Funny thing is its never are ***** when I buy it Mickey.
******* man you know I would share if I had a bottle .
Yeah I really cant say bud never seen you ever have one you *****.
Yeah ******* man.
Mike never could handle being picked on.
Alot of loud mouths couldn't .
Mike was one of many but he was a good laugh on a ocassion and kinda grew on you after awhile course so does a tumor so he wasnt exactly my favorite person in the world.
Course I never did like people .
I saw all there worst sides driving them the drunks least were semi honest .
The yuppies never paid you any mind you were there ride nothing more.
**** Jack I ever tell you bout that couple a few weeks ago I picked up?
I knew mikes silence wouldnt last long.
No you didnt .
**** man so I do a pick up at the Raven you know that dive off Atlantic?
Yep been there many a time .
Well anyways I pick up this couple let me tell you from they were making out on the sidewalk I knew I was in for a show .
The chicks got this hot as **** little black cocktail dress on .
******* guy barely can tell me the address cause the chicks all over him.
So I head to the address well no sooner Im heading down the road I look back in the review and this ***** is going down on him I mean she's putting a Linda Lovelace to shame back there.
No **** well I know your demented *** was happy beats a drunk passing out in the backseat ******* himself .
No **** sherlock mike replied .
Anyways Im like ******* enjoying the **** out of this fare .
So much so a figure why the **** not *******.
Are you ******* nuts?
How the **** you going to drive and ******* truly you are one sick **** Mikey.
**** **** man I'm a professional brother unlike you .
Really you got to loosen up and live or this job will drive you nuts .
Yeah like your sane I thought to myself .
Anyways she's back there going to town like she working a ***** scene .
Everything's feeling good but I just kind of lost myself for a moment
Swerved hit the **** curb .
And I hear this guy ******* almost scream.
See when I hit the curb she bout bit his **** off.
******* funny **** the guys yelling get me to the ******* hospital she's keeps telling him she's sorry.
But thats not all of it he's going off cause he cant figure out what he's going to tell his wife .
Aint that some **** and to top it off the ******* didnt even tip me.
I cant imagine after almost giving him *** change why he wouldnt want to tip you Mickey.
Oh like I'm some ******* for getting worked up watching this chick go to town on this guy.
Okay hotshot being your so more noble than me what would you had done so differently .
I sat looked at this fellow cabbie trying not to laugh.
Honestly mike .
I would have pulled over and left the meter running till she finished .
I never was much at multi tasking like yourself .
Fuack you Jack I heard Mike say as I left a tip on the table and was on my way out.
Be careful out there Jack I herd Susan say.
Dont worry sugar I always am .
Stay crazy .
Yes before you bring this to my hangover attention I know this is a a short story cause im a alcoholic not ****** hamsters
I was always worst in the morning.
Burnt out hungover and in need of something to eat and a few strong aspirin.
The phone. rang and its normal intrusion always gave me the knee **** reaction to smash it into the wall.
But being i couldnt afford to live let alone replace **** i answred it instead.
Collect call from Austin will you accept the charges the operater asked ?
In her mock happiness from sitting in one spot listening to people for which she probaly held as much regard as i did.
I didnt need to ask from who only trouble and bill collectors call me in the morning.
Usally the bill collectors dont call collect.
I excepted .
What is it Cheryl?
The timid voice came through as she always did whenever she wanted something.
Hi baby how are you?
I'm sorry i had to call you this way i know it costs .
Don't sweat it I wont pay the bill anyways .
I hated phones and pretty much wasnt a fan of human contact altogether.
Well minus certain ocassions .
So what you need kid?
You always have been a blunt person.
Have to be when it cost me by the second sugar.
I wanna come home baby.
Yeah thought you left me to go home.
What happend didnt go to the right home?
Please Jack I need to be back with you this time apart made me realize just how much i truly cant be without you.
It had been over two weeks since Cheryl had packed her **** and had me drop her off at the bus station .
She just took her bags turned away and walked out of my life.
She was a pure ***** maybe thats why i liked her so much .
I hit the bottle and she hit the highway bound to the state she called home to the life she claimed to have thrown away for me .
That last fight had been a glorious shouting match I usally took.the sarcastic smart *** route but i had enough of her ******* and lies .
I was a ******* but least i was a honest one.
Jack please i'm coming home either way.
I took the last of my money to buy this bus ticket .
Yeah so why call me if your coming back anyways?
I knew full well why she was returning.
Cheryl was the type that required far to much maintance for anyone to handle let alone people who werent getting something in return.
Baby i just wanted you to know i ****** up I cant live without you im coming home to you.
I paused for a moment thought about that perfect body and the nights it layed against me in the calm of a harsh summer night.
I thought of the nonstop chaos .
The fights she was a woman of great passion maybe thats why she was so good in bed .
I was hungover like **** lonley but i would heal the strong ones always do.
Baby are you there ?
Yeah well thanks for the warning sweetheart .
I said as i simply hung up the phone and unplugged it from the wall.
Yeah i needed alot of things.
A new liver ,Maybe a job that didnt drive me insane .
A good bottle maybe a meal inbetween.
I needed more than a few things .
But a hurricane of emotional horse **** i did not .
I took four asprin and returned to bed to sleep it off
It was silent in the room dark and empty.
It was the most peace i had known in a very long time.
It was what I needed.
They say write everyday.
Put those words to paper before you lose them.
If your words are lost so easily they were nothing more than a mental **** to begin with.
I say .
Live without writing see the ocean at sunset bask in the existence without giving a single thought of capturing it upon the page.
Don't ever fear losing something for when we fear loss all we do is waste are time that we have.
They say many things all directed at keeping you back.
I say **** them all.
Cause any person worth there salt in this life.
Isn't sitting on there *** handing out advice like some curbside therapist.
Life is the only teacher you ever need.
Just remember advice comes cheap.
And opinions are just like ******* everyone's got one .
Never act like your a writer .
Or say the things you believe others want to hear.
Art is in never being certain.
The page has no time for half *** lines .
Do not be what you think a writer is.
Writers are ego driven ******* to self absorbed to see anything in front of them.
And thats just there good quality's .
Don't pen it the way you believe that will please others take it down the road as far as it has to go .
Let it get messy let it be awkward.
If your thinking bout other people your ****** to begin with .
You the page the ******* work that is all that matters .
That is what makes you a writer .
Not people blowing smoke up your *** .
Not how many people read it.
Who publishes it and if you made a dime off it.
Make that page bleed .
And **** those who dont get it.
Lemmings have often had to be told whats in .
They think there hip they want to hang around those who have it in hopes they can maybe find it as well.
They are like cancer you listen long enough to there ******* and they poison the well of your imagination.
Never take advice from someone who can't do what you can.
The world is not a play.
Never act just be one with the page.
I never act.
Every line means something.
A highway marker to you a milestone to me.
All roads end as others go on and the rest simply forget.
Do not worry over the details sweetheart simply dance on in spite of the
Never allow them in just allow them to take for a price we are all ******
in some sense .
I played my game now its time for my final rest.
You will understand the old dogs logic when viewed from tired eyes as well.
Forget the truths as time allows us only to recall the good.
Memories are cliff notes to reality.
A song reheard through blind thought and all to soon deaf ears .
Don't cherish what never was simply know the lines and watch me die.
recall my story through stories told and the ******* I spew.
Chase the dragon to simply know the fire .
My words were better than my truths and we will simply leave it there .
The page is all that ever matters.
Im.always waiting for the relapse like a spent sunset and far to overplayed song .
Whispers of what was and never will be .
Im not here now simply try again later for the side of the man you care to see.
Poems are simply pages filled and my stories are far more than cliffnotes to your day.
Play me out sweetheart another fix like all the rest .
Lets create the essence of the obscene let me erase it for my ego just the same.
It's always the elephant in the room i know it all to well for I lived it just the same.
Did it break you as once it did I?
Do we breathe to simply keep living like zombies no answer or direction does apply.
We left it behind to haunt us still .
Guess nothing stays burried forever .
No matter what happens just keep playing kid.
I was sixteen when I first started playing music as a DJ in a little redneck bar in Carolina .
Green as a glade of grass that would soon change .
I hung with the barflys the rejects the bikers and the ones that just couldn't leave there past behind.
I wasn't friends with kids my age I found my crowd and tried every vice in between.
You don't know **** at sixteen so don't pretend you do I learned from those who scars were many as the stories they told.
I watched the crowd they were always willing to turn on you
It was sink or ******* swim in a sea of smoke and stale beer .
The women weren't like the girls in high school .
There was no delusion of something more just a fast night and a good time followed by a ****** up hangover .
I had nothing in common with my own age group **** I partied with there parents knew off duty cops thieves and dope dealers .
They were all full of **** in there own way.
I cared little for a classroom I learned everything I needed to survive in those little dive bars .
I was underage six foot four acted and looked older so I just fit in .
There was danger
There was always some **** just waiting to happen .
No wonder I left the awkward world of social climbers and ******* proms behind.
Money was fast and so was everything worth a goodtime.
Who the **** needs someone when you can have the chaos of another night.
It was everything that I missed and never knew existed .
I will always remember that little **** *** stage .
The faces changed real music still lives .
I gave them happiness they gave me there money.
It was my life's college .
The brain would learn what the pen would write many years later .
If your worried bout the page at sixteen your lost already.
Life will fill in the gaps .
Live first then it will all eventually fit together .
I forget everything now but I never forget those times .
One stage is always like the next .
The only rule no matter what happens when your up there .
Just keep playing kid .
Just keep playing.
I sat there lost in that strange magic the music the scene perfect in its semi empty smoke cast brillance .
We were all lost together .
Jack you still writing ?
Tommy asked from behind the bar.
Well I'm still breathing so i suppose so my friend .
Tommy just laughed grabbed the bottle poured me another .
Dont worry Jack this ones on the house .
Oh to what do i owe the honor or do you know something i dont know Tom.
Just figured you needed one besides its valentines day you old ******* and seems as though your Valentine is missing.
Yeah couldnt afford her and i think her dance cards all full that and she seems to prefer someone with a bigger box of chocolates.
Maybe you should of tried flowers and champagne.
Yeah and maybe i should of tried being something besides a drunk writer to **** Tom .
Why try when you can pay
I know your girl Jack your to ruff on her she's not a ***** .
No your right she doesnt charge .
And a real ones much more honest.
Tommy and some other stranger i forget his name laughed.
Man your nuts .
**** your seeing him on a slow night you should see him when he's really cranked up.
Richard at the pool table behind us said between shots of a solo game.
Tommy pour me another .
Jesus Jack you finished that one already you know this isnt a race.
Yeah i know but maybe its just the love in the air I have no idea just pour me another make it a double.
Just then that heavy steel door slammed into the wall the couple was happy laughing well untill he noticed me and and told the woman who was supposed to be at work.
That awkward oh **** look in her eyes .
Tommy I shouted a round for valentines day on the ***** with my favorite street walker .
Jack calm down or I'm going to have to ask leave .
They both walked to the bar once giving how I had already set the mood i had to give them a nod for having the ***** to not just turn tail and run.
I stood up hey pal names Jack I can see we have some things in common like ****** taste in women .
Jack we'll just leave i didnt know you'd be here im sorry.
Yeah a writer in a bar bet you would **** yourself to find a nun in church
Hey pal want to take my seat being you seem to like things that belong to me **** want the keys to my car .
******* your nothing but a drunk .
Lets get the **** out of here Susan.
Maybe its best you all leave for tonight Tommy said .
No no Tommy I think i will leave hey buddy i didnt catch your name .
Oh wait i forgot i dont give a **** .
She stood between us I only hoped he'd swing giving me reason to knock the pure **** out of him .
But It wasnt over her I had long learned you couldnt waste a ounce of concern on another who only cared for themself.
Susan was lost in herself a confussed misreble fool.
Who could never find another who loved her as much as she loved herself.
I laughed in his face he showed his fear i knew soon as i was gone he would inflate his chest play the badass.
I never played a role .
Well Tommy and my fellow drunkards i bid you farewell .
And to the fool and the lady please allow me to set the mood .
And at that very moment i cut the biggest **** you ever herd .
The room busted up in laughter .
I breathed it in oh Tommy my friend it seems loves in the air.
Yeah Jack smells more like **** .
Yes kinda like love my boy .
Your disgusting Susan said ****** i had made everyone laugh taking the attention from her for once .
Who said romance was dead.
I kept the room laughing as I sang memories all alone in the moonlight letting a burp out inbetween.
The door slammed behind me.
And as always i was myself not the character
Never allow them to see past the curtan.
It's always when the magic hits that blissful ****** up buzz I'm alone in the bar putting up the stools up closing down as usal.
I always have one behind the bar light a cigar just soak in the silence .
It's then when it all comes back in a flood to me .
The faces of those passsed my brothers.
I pour a shot of borbon for them each.
Always making mine a double .
I imagine there laughs the bad jokes and great conversations we no longer share .
William always playing the jukebox that trademark laugh that could light a room.
Bob Warren cracking people up hitting on the women he was a one man sideshow and a old vet.
My closest brother the guy who ****** everyone off and always made me laugh .
We'd talk for hours kick back the drinks and torment everyone around us.
Cause if we didnt **** with you.
We truly didnt give a **** about you.
I had burried them all as alone now i stand .
The smoke hung in the air as i saw them all and for a moment i wasnt alone.
It always hit hardest on nights like these .
The women will all leave you .
Love is a fire that burns beyond are control.
But the memories are the tressure bury them deep only to dig them up when you are alone .
I drank each shot as one by one they vanished from sight.
I do not believe I can bury another .
I guess in all truth I hope the next is me..
I closed the door locked it behind me the air outside was frozen.
My breath shown on the walk home.
I was alone .
Sometimes the page is far more simple than reallity of this existence.
I'm glad to have shared one last round with friends .
We can write the ending.
But life always seems to see it a different way.
Those old stories you never thought to be true .
****** up fairy tales two busted marriages you do not know me so dont pretend to.understand.
A needle a promise .
A busted nose bloodstains left behind and lies to fill the spaces inbetween.
You can think the reason never knowing the answer theres more to a friendship than a title yeah sweetheart im speaking to you.
Erase my pages but we cannot forget that night .
Alone the **** still stings shadows in candle light give romance to a grand illusion .
Im nothimg outside the page and you just what i made of you.
A romance lasts years and a cancer can linger just the same.
Both will **** you just the same so grow up quick kids and lose the delusions before it blinds your reason.
The thought is all that matters and the page its final resting place .
Goodnight for now.
A parting kiss another one night stand .
Its just a view from my world .
I've paid my dues ten fold.
And i can forget more than most will learn.
It was always there I just had to live to find it.
**** the edge I dove of it years ago
We all find are truths jaded with time .
Words faded sands built up over time and we erase the person so only the legend stands.
Remorse is best kept silent.
Dont ever let them know you.
Or your ****** when it comes to the page.
No matter how hard you try it always bleeds through.
I told you truths we laughed off as just another one of my moments and to me you knew when even could not say.
Words left apon a page are meaningless without the insperation to support them.
Are troubles many but to this friendship I owe everything never worry how it sounds just read it and know .
We all get sideways sometimes .
Love you sister.
Remember my words long after the silence tears us apart .
This will always be for you.
Dedicated to Helen.
You know what others cannot understand .
And for that i owe you more than i can ever express .
She ended are chapter and i started the page pouring the soul in the cracks of a illusion .
Covering over are truths to erase are lies does the sunset hide all its beauthy?
Do rains flood lands to bury the wrongs once shown clearly as scars bleached by sun now decayed within darkness.
You can never own a moment claims of the vain are but attempts to hide the harsh reality.
I never let her see through my eyes as i will not allow you to know the man beyond the page.
Whatever you imagine is far more than what i will ever be .
Leave me hollow to fill in the expectations .
I wrote her out
she walked away
The story is a creation .
Life inspired me in some other way.
Nothing hides your pains better than a simple mystery.
She read my words when at that moment she abandoned remorse.
Art is best veiwed from a distance.
Edges best remain sharp .
And the reader a excepted intrusion.
Nobody wins today
Theres always a excuse not to fail.
Lack of spine is what it all comes down.to.
Many build a callus on there *** waiting for something to land in there lap.
Is it fear or comfort that makes one lazy?
I never knew anything easy two broken feet a few broken ribs a busted knuckle or two the scars of effort i wore them with pride.
People are a nice thought far to often gone astray.
There words lend fools comfort.
And keep the bitter moving without regret.
I was alone with my thoughts and what a place i truly embraced being.
Crazy is just a word to keep others away.
Maybe its why i wore it like a badge.
For its the mad ones that intrest me the most.
There is always a reason not to try.
And never a excuse that doesnt reek of ******* and a normal existance.
Saftey is for signs on the walls and guns in bored fools hands.
Avoid that word at all time's and you will be fine.
As you bask in the solace of your own truths and simple plessures.
Theres never a excuse.
There was nothing like a holiday to make me feel alone .
I watched her move with the music she seemed anything but alone .
They say honey draws bee's and **** does flies well here tonight in this bar you had a good mix of both.
She moved shook her *** every eye was on her .
From the ones that yearned to know that body to the women who just shook there heads and under there breath whispered what a *****.
How marvelous she was underneath dimmed lights me I just watched and sipped a overpriced drink .
Hank was behind the bar for some reason he always found time to speak with me .
I have no idea why I truly didn't care for people I just was in need of a drink and didn't have anything at home.
Man some looker over there huh buddy?
Yeah she's got a magnificent *** doesn't she ?
Yeah little big though for me Jack .
Never been one invented to big for me .
Hank laughed yeah that's true **** and never one to loose either.
What can I say Hank I'm a man of low standards and easily Impressed therefore I'm seldom disappointed .
Your one crazy ******* you know that ?
**** I never forget that hank how bout a refill my man and by are entertainment a drink on me .
Hank went to fetch my Jack and coke and give the girl with the nice *** a drink although I doubted she needed one from me seems every guy in this place was buying her drinks and from her looks I understood why .
I looked around the room the usual's were all there and a few new faces I didn't truly care I was to them the odd ball drunken writer what a rare spices that is indeed .
Almost as rare as a fireman who smokes or is bat **** crazy .
When there's no fire to put out the nut would light something on fire just to have something to put out guess we all need a purpose and me I just need another drink.
The jukebox just kept playing the right kind of music and she kept in perfect time with the beat .
Rhythm is always in the hips it flowed from there and took over it was some perfectly strange and beautiful voodoo to watch.
The pool players missed shots and the place seemed almost alive.
Eventually a fight would break out now that was some entertainment .
I sipped my other drink hank was a good barkeep and total **** at mixing drinks
he started watering them down bout the third real drunks always notice .
**** Hank why not just give me all coke!
Make it a double always in mine you ******.
Hey Jack sorry must have been distracted.
Well stop staring at Larry's *** hasn't he told you he don't swing that way anymore since college.
Larry who was bent over the table making a shot just laughed .
**** man I never went to college Larry replied.
Yeah your right it must have been prison I knew I recognized you from somewhere .
The room busted up laughing ******* Jack .
Larry said laughing .
The room was alive the ***** was flowing .
Tommy walked up to me man you see that that chick dancing man.
I got two eyes don't I Tommy?
Well I been talking to her man I bet you fifty bucks she going home with me tonight.
Oh yeah Tommy she cant resist you huh?
**** man who could?
Been buying here drinks all night I can tell she wants it you see
the way she was rubbing up against me that last song .
Well you must have done something Tommy in fact seems you really worked her up .
What the **** you talking bout Jack ?
Tommy asked me as that goofy as expression was yet again upon his face.
Tommy was a arrogant *** in every sense he thought he was hot **** and when you took the hot part out of that statement you had his more true essence.
For as Tommy was facing me bragging I had been watching that little brunette the whole time.
Well Tommy I said , it seems that girl you danced with was so worked up she just couldn't wait for your return.
I don't get what you mean Jack.
Look I nodded my head he turned to view what would in his mind be his latest conquest making out with another woman .
I herd him say what the **** .
I took another sip of my watered down drink .
So Tommy I asked as I patted him on the shoulder .
Still want to take that bet?
And another night bit the dust .