She said .
"It's me or the bottle *******"!
I admired the view of the door as it smacked her on the *** .
She hit the road and me I simply hit the bar .
Played some songs on the jukebox and didn't say a word to the folks around me .
Drank till I passed out and realized the **** storm I was in the very next morning .
She was gone and I was left here alone.
Without wheels and only a lone beer in the fridge .
Well no one ever claimed I was smart .
I wonder if she could turn round somewhere in Kentucky .
Pick me up a bottle then bring that pretty little *** back meet with a smile at the door.
Run into these open arms .
Embrace those lips and face those tears .
Then sit her down hand her the money and take my bottle and
tell her thanks before I slam the door in her face .
Whiskey heals all wounds .
And as for you my dear have a safe trip .
I am not around much I been busy recently having a book published by Alien Buddha Press .
Once is now available on amazon
A Cold Beer Beats A Warm Heart
Pick up a copy today its sure to give you a distant buzz .
I been writing like a mad man and had my works passport get stamped in multiple countries .
Australia, Italy , Germany , England, Indiana .
Okay Indiana was more a state run mental institution but I was published there none the less and I liked finger painting graham crackers and crazy women so probs to them.
I mean I didn't want to visit there or anything no offense but im not a big fan off fields and chainsaw art .
I stayed busy flask in pocket and my mind constantly towards the page .
I had gained respect but still I always found my way home .
For better or worse Hello has been the house that me and few other writers built I was here from day one i'm the flaw you just can't hide .
Everyone's favorite black sheep and all around lovable train wreck.
My place was permanent .
Like me or hate me you couldn't ignore me .
Well you could try but I usually won people over or annoyed them to the point of blocking me and joining the witness relocation program but enough about my past relationships .
I was taking some time off from three months straight of chasing publication.
I posted a write at this place I called home for so many years .
It was solid as a brick **** house .
Then some kid posted a write that was total **** but had a pic of her cleavage in the restroom mirror .
It trended in two seconds had a bunch of ***** ******* telling lies in vague hopes to see more .
I knew the ship wasn't sinking it long since met its demise on the icy dark oceans floor .
You just can't compete with *******.
I set my sails to the closest port .
I would share some drinks and maybe see some familiar faces .
I believe a pirate is better suited to roam than be food for the ***** .
My future is in the wind not lost within the depths .
Stay crazy hope are ships pass in the night .
And if ever we find ourselves in the same port .
First rounds on you .
Never sit and wait for decay on any level will consume you .
Is often called a barroom poet slash outlaw .
Who's work has been featured in some mags that clearly do not care about good taste or morals .
When not living as a total recluse drinking his liver silly and watching ****, He often enjoys long drives by himself picking up hookers but enough bout his ex wife.
His short stories usually revolve around some demented ******* much like himself .
He currently resides in hell or as others call it North Carolina .
Where him and his dog share drinks and take turns being the designated drunk driver .
His work will probably give you a contact high or at least the clap.
And stay crazy .
Never take yourself serious hamsters
It wasnt my best day in fact I was lost like a person who has actual musical taste at a modern pop concert.
Hopeless beaten in need of a hug or maybe something else .
Hey id sit outside with a sign around my neck saying *******.please if I thought it actually work.
What dont judge me and dudes need not apply that was a phase in college .
Im kidding I never went to college
She was gone and i was alone left with the farting dog and a world of pain while the miserable **** puppy was off having the time of her life .
Minus the ***** dancing and Patrick Swayze wearing his skin tight **** black shirt .
But nobody puts baby i a corner im just saying.
Sure I was alone my ***** supply running low trapped in a ******* no hope of getting laid in sight but who's ******* bitter .
I mean I could replace my favorite nypho ******* head cheerleader with the snap of my fingers.
Yeah I was totally ****** .
I didn't miss her so.much but why the **** did she have to take her ******* ****** with her **** greedy ***** .
******* women ya think they could just leave it behind like half there ******* clothes but oh no the greedy *** *******.
And to all the ladies reading this please dont take offense im not calling all of you ******* just the ***** ***** I was with for six ******* years but again im not bitter.
I was high and dry left only with half her crap and some farting furry hobo I called ****** .
Hey I was the man!
I was the one that was supposed to leave her in the dust .
It was then I had a moment of genius and yet another stiff drink cause my live in ****** left me to die in misery but who's bitter.
I dialed her number .
And to.my suprize she picked up.
Um are you just calling to not say anything yet again like last night while you play some.****** up hair metal power ballad in the background again?
Hey sorry bout that last night didn't realize my phone was on .
Yeah was at a total **** naked chicks everywhere didn't know I called you being I was so busy banging the night away totally not thinking of you.
Yeah that's why I could hear you crying and please pick.better music next time okay .
Well im sorry my.why did you leave me you cold hearted ***** playlist wouldn't load .
Jesus Christ Gonzo im.not going to do this with you I told you were done I love you but im not in love with you cause im a heartless ***** .
Okay she didn't say the last part but all my stories are based on reality duh there's a difference.
I paused thought about all the good times and ***** things we used to do I was really having one of those sappy TV show moments.
Gonzo what the **** are you doing?
Kelley asked .
Nothing why just thinking bout the past looking at some home movies we made.
Jesus ******* christ!
Your watching **** and talking to me do not tell me.your jerking off as well you ******* pervert!
Kelley said. In her **** angry voice once made me think I was in trouble or gonna get a spanking once I didn't fear cause she was on the phone and duh ya can't do that over the phone ******* reader .
I swear you people who read this are total weirdos I guess that why I love you so much .
But enough with the foreplay children.
After I um got off the subject of if I was ******* to some art films me and my ex made together .
It was really a think piece about a woman kinda lost seeking to find herself with no gag reflex .
I really miss my ******.
Sure she was a cruel ,ruthless,lying,Cheating **** puppy but she gave me *** without charging .
To.much that is hahaha I know im ****** up but dont judge me least im a honest pervert.
Gonzo you know there's always going to be a part of me that loves you .
Yeah kid I know .
We were both silent for awhile .
I paused recalled the nights remebred just how close we were laying together in the dark .
Looking into each others eyes .
The scared messed up trainwreck of a soul that always laughed at my jokes.
The silence went on forever till I farted the loudest **** possible It was long and stinky honestly it sounded like a bomb going off and smelled worse than strippers g string after a long night at the club .
Not that I know what that would smell like I mean from what I've been told I mean.
Well at least its good to know nothings ever serious with you.
You drunken ******* .
So does this mean you've seen the error of your ways and are on the first flight home to totally ***** the life outta me again?
Okay maybe a ******* ?
Don't think so Gonzo.
**** okay a ******* while we watch one of those *** *** chick flicks you like .
Hey you be suprized how good the notebook is while getting ****** off.
Mmm Ryan Gosling mucho **** is all I'm gonna say.
Im kidding well kinda.
Gonz honey I know your in pain and I just want you to promise me this baby.
Please don't stop writing okay.
Kelley said to me.
I don't care what its about baby just never stop I love your work I always will you know your my favorite writer always.
I just got to figure me out is all.
I paused to drag this story out just a little longer and make the five of you that stuck through to read this **** wonder .
What the hell kind of **** is this nut on.
Well im definitely not on my ex haha but who is bitter.
We spoke a llittle longer I made her laugh as always promised her I would keep on being the greatest perverted short story writer on a site for poets that I could be.
We hung up went are separate ways.
I went on to be captain kickass .
And Kelley she fell asleep at the wheel drove off the side of a mountain dying in a fiery death .
Im kidding well I can always hope .
Im still writing like she asked.
And as long if your reading this sweetheart I know your demented *** thinks its funny .
Hello my.name is Gonzo and if upon reading this you were offended .
Please feel to contact me at www.its called a ******* sense of humor so lighten the hell up .com
I told you truths we laughed off as just another one of my moments and to me you knew when even could not say.
Words left apon a page are meaningless without the insperation to support them.
Are troubles many but to this friendship I owe everything never worry how it sounds just read it and know .
We all get sideways sometimes .
Love you sister.
Remember my words long after the silence tears us apart .
This will always be for you.
Dedicated to Helen.
You know what others cannot understand .
And for that i owe you more than i can ever express .
There was nothing like a holiday to make me feel alone .
I watched her move with the music she seemed anything but alone .
They say honey draws bee's and **** does flies well here tonight in this bar you had a good mix of both.
She moved shook her *** every eye was on her .
From the ones that yearned to know that body to the women who just shook there heads and under there breath whispered what a *****.
How marvelous she was underneath dimmed lights me I just watched and sipped a overpriced drink .
Hank was behind the bar for some reason he always found time to speak with me .
I have no idea why I truly didn't care for people I just was in need of a drink and didn't have anything at home.
Man some looker over there huh buddy?
Yeah she's got a magnificent *** doesn't she ?
Yeah little big though for me Jack .
Never been one invented to big for me .
Hank laughed yeah that's true hell and never one to loose either.
What can I say Hank I'm a man of low standards and easily Impressed therefore I'm seldom disappointed .
Your one crazy ******* you know that ?
Hell I never forget that hank how bout a refill my man and by are entertainment a drink on me .
Hank went to fetch my Jack and coke and give the girl with the nice *** a drink although I doubted she needed one from me seems every guy in this place was buying her drinks and from her looks I understood why .
I looked around the room the usual's were all there and a few new faces I didn't truly care I was to them the odd ball drunken writer what a rare spices that is indeed .
Almost as rare as a fireman who smokes or is bat **** crazy .
When there's no fire to put out the nut would light something on fire just to have something to put out guess we all need a purpose and me I just need another drink.
The jukebox just kept playing the right kind of music and she kept in perfect time with the beat .
Rhythm is always in the hips it flowed from there and took over it was some perfectly strange and beautiful voodoo to watch.
The pool players missed shots and the place seemed almost alive.
Eventually a fight would break out now that was some entertainment .
I sipped my other drink hank was a good barkeep and total **** at mixing drinks
he started watering them down bout the third real drunks always notice .
**** Hank why not just give me all coke!
Make it a double always in mine you ******.
Hey Jack sorry must have been distracted.
Well stop staring at Larry's *** hasn't he told you he don't swing that way anymore since college.
Larry who was bent over the table making a shot just laughed .
**** man I never went to college Larry replied.
Yeah your right it must have been prison I knew I recognized you from somewhere .
The room busted up laughing ******* Jack .
Larry said laughing .
The room was alive the ***** was flowing .
Tommy walked up to me man you see that that chick dancing man.
I got two eyes don't I Tommy?
Well I been talking to her man I bet you fifty bucks she going home with me tonight.
Oh yeah Tommy she cant resist you huh?
**** man who could?
Been buying here drinks all night I can tell she wants it you see
the way she was rubbing up against me that last song .
Well you must have done something Tommy in fact seems you really worked her up .
What the hell you talking bout Jack ?
Tommy asked me as that goofy as expression was yet again upon his face.
Tommy was a arrogant *** in every sense he thought he was hot **** and when you took the hot part out of that statement you had his more true essence.
For as Tommy was facing me bragging I had been watching that little brunette the whole time.
Well Tommy I said , it seems that girl you danced with was so worked up she just couldn't wait for your return.
I don't get what you mean Jack.
Look I nodded my head he turned to view what would in his mind be his latest conquest making out with another woman .
I herd him say what the **** .
I took another sip of my watered down drink .
So Tommy I asked as I patted him on the shoulder .
Still want to take that bet?
And another night bit the dust .
I was awoken far to early it was dam near seven o clock in the evening .
The noise was insane then I finally turned off the music .
****** my four legged amigo truly needed to lay off the death metal
besides who wants to wake up to the spice girls really?
It was then I herd the crash as bottles flew from the wall.
****** did a big girl ****?
I looked outside trees were falling the wind was blowing worse
than some teen age girls backstage at a Justin Bieber concert .
**** my ******* neighbor went flying by and was impaled on a tree hey this ****** up weather wasn't all that bad .
I went outside to see if I could help or finish him off and see if he had any money on him.
Duh like I'm going to help that *****.
He? wakes me up every morning going to his silly job and calls me a drunken pervert cause I hit on his girlfriend look telling someone they have awesome **** is a compliment okay.
Hey Chris how are ya bud .?
Well being I'm impaled on your tree and have a garden gnome up my *** pretty ******* bad you idiot!
Well somebody's in a grouchy mood and Chris you can keep the gnome amigo hey whatever kind of ***** ***** your into is okay I'm mean sure your a ******* freak and I will probably tell all the world about you
But hey that's cause I'm a drunken perverted ******* .
But enough about my good quality's.
What the hell are you doing here you idiot!
Don't you know there's a mandatory evacuation going on cause of the hurricane?
I was confused by what this strange ***** impaled on my tree was saying.
That and I didn't know what mandatory meant maybe it was some strange ****** term ******* ****** .
Look man I don't swing that way okay that was just something I did for money once okay don't judge me.
What the **** are talking about you crazy ******* !
Honestly Chris sometimes I don't even know **** man its real windy out today .
That's cause there's a hurricane coming you idiot .
Oh well that would explain the wind You know Chris your a real ***** but besides that you really are observant .
Well nice talking to you amigo I got to have a couple cocktails
watch some ***** movies I like to think of it as part of my creative
process have fun hanging around.
I was walking away as my annoying ******* neighbor called out .
Aren't you forgetting something you crazy *******.!?
****** I really was slipping I thought to myself as I pulled out my trusty knife .
What the hell Man!
Look Chris I got to **** you or you'll turn its only right duh
haven't you seen the walking dead ******* ?
Hey by the way being your going to be dead and all can I have your girlfriend ?
What the hell is wrong with you I'm not a zombie you idiot
I'm alive I'm just impaled on your ******* tree .
Yeah that's what they all say then next thing you know you have turned
and we got you and all your zombie buddies trying to bite my *** .
Was the last thing my ******* neighbor said well that and ouch as I plunged the knife into his skull I really felt bad he was not such a a bad kid.
I'm kidding he was a **** and now that the end of the world was coming you had to look out for yourself .
But enough with the foreplay children.
Me and my loyal talking dog slash whatever the **** he was were about to light up a joint and pour are first round when everything went black.
Much like radio these days.
It was then it hit me what Chris had said.
The wind him flying through air ******* ****** a hurricane is
I screamed a manly scream and did what any strong male writer would do cried and hid under the bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels and my talking dog ****** .
**** man why didn't I ever watch the news ?
Cause your always watching **** ******* .
****** spoke .
Why the hell didn't you tell me this was happening if you knew ******?
Cause I have to watch what you watch ******* I don't have any hands .
Now stop being a ***** and lets get out of here .
Have you lost your mind there's a storm out there .
Yeah and half the people have left this place and wont be back for awhile its party time you scared *****.
I thought to myself its hell being talked down to by someone who eats crap out in the front yard but he had a point .
This hurricane was terrible people had to abandon there homes .
And all there awesome stuff and it was simply going to go to waste duh
why not break in and enjoy it for them It's what Jesus would do.
I don't mean that guy in the book I mean that dude who works down at the garage and drives a low rider .
Course he was a ex con once meant he really knew a lot about life
and how to hide things up his **** true wisdom .
Me and ****** were off we drove around till we found the most awesome house that just happened to be sheriffs house .
It was totally kick *** we drank kick *** top shelf whiskey smoked some good **** and other drugs that ***** had taken from me over the years .
Not that I do drugs I'm kidding I'm ****** up now how do you think I come up with this ****.
We went through house after house eat real food something actual writers can seldom afford duh like this **** pays.
The storm raged through the night .
Trees fell but being I was higher than Jesus I could truly give a **** hamsters.
It seemed like days bled into weeks we drank and lived as kings .
Played fun games like indoor target practice .
I was bout ready to call it a night and curl up with my favorite girl
Evan Williams .
When all the sudden some strange man was yelling at me in my own house .
What the **** are you doing here and why did your dog crap in my bathtub.
Excuse me Larry this is a simple misunderstanding Cindy may I say you have a marvelous rack I said to the woman standing at his side .
How the hell do you know are names ?
Duh cause of those awesome home movies you made on that video camera that was still charged up after you left.
The woman's face flushed red.
Oh my God Larry I told you we shouldn't have filmed that!
Hey I have to say miss the way you handled that three way with the two dwarfs well it is truly ******* awesome man you two people are freaks .
My new buddy Larry must be so happy cause he couldn't even speak he just shook with happiness .
His wife didn't even look at me well I have that effect on women .
Hey I was thinking you know I love the arts myself I'm thinking Cindy me some drinks that kick *** hot tub not the other one ****** took a crap in sorry bout that he just lacks culture unlike myself .
It was then Larry flipped out using his outdoor voice indoors he grabbed me by the throat I screamed **** cause I yet again forgot my trusty **** whistle dam you hurricane!
I was thrown down the stairs I was beaten I swear you housesit without asking go through peoples home ***** movies and your dog takes a crap in there tub and they blow it all out of proportion .
Guess I wasn't going to be getting a tip ungrateful ******* !
The Hurricane had torn up this small island were I lived and apparently vandals had broken into peoples houses and stolen most all the ***** in there houses how terrible.
I made my way back to my trusty bar poured me a drink and sat on my favorite stool.
**** Gonz you made it out of there I was truly worried for you.
****** said as he turned on the blender .
Yeah he couldn't change the channel but he could talk and mix drinks something just wasn't right with that picture course he was from Kentucky .
Yeah no thanks to you .
You little ******* !
Hey boss don't be mad I got something for you as he placed the the video camera on the table.
I had to lighten up the power was back on we had stayed drunk through such harsh times and got some freaky home movies from those weirdos we house sat for.
I took a sip of the margarita toasted my little friend.
Well bud we made it after all.
We spent the night as all others before drinking are livers silly
cutting bad jokes telling ****** up stories like these that make you wonder when the **** they will ever end .
Until next time hamsters .
Life's not easy in a life in a world of flux between depression and ecstasy
In my free time I listen in on feeds from better off stations
I can't get no satisfaction. I'm not even sure if I still want your satisfaction. I've been mixing uppers and downers trying to find a nonexistent happy medium.
Hard work and working out isn't working out but laying around is just depressing. I know I should be doing something but that something might even be in this country
I got one for keeping me company at night and one to open up to and one to tell my ideas to but together they're missing the factor of being you
The hamster walked alone broken hurt and on the verge of ending it all.
The streets of Hello were empty as the head of the ******* who created it .
He just couldn't take it anymore school was driving him nuts his family were insane and there had to be more to life than sitting in his room on weekends listening to ****** music writing angst driven poetry and ******* to internet ****.
Anymore viruses and his computer was going to be more infected than Katy Perry's rancid crouch .
All hope was lost when he saw it in the parking lot a van with the words M.R Gonzo's advice and free clinic walk-ins and homeless nymphos welcome .
It sort of looked like a old bookmobile and smelled like a ******* or something that had died in a ******* .
The young misguided hamster figured what the **** did he have to lose so he knocked on the door .
It swung open as a cloud of smoke poured out the door it looked like a scene from towering inferno or Willie Nelsons tour bus .
After hacking up half a lung and getting a contact high a face of true poetic brilliance emerged from haze of smoke .
And the young hamster was looking straight at the one the only the often perverted cult leader of Hello Gonzo.
Hey there amigo **** bud you don't know how glad I am to see you come the **** in .
Saying the that the living legend Of Hello grabbed his school book and vanished into smoky hollow .
The kid sat there awhile not knowing if he should run or follow this nut job .
Well that is until a hand reached through the fog and pulled him in.
What the **** kid your wasting a great buzz you know how long it took me to get this bake going in here have a ******* seat.
The inside of the place looked like some cross between a Pub and a bad seventies **** minus the **** chicks with cracked out faces and Chewbacca between there legs .
Ummm maybe I should leave .
The kid said scared of this scene and the mad hatter of a person sitting with a stiff drink in hand a umm well lets just say a herbal cigar in the other .
Bud you need to relax I tell ya I got the munchies from hell .
With that said he took a bite out of the text book.
Jesus Christ this **** tastes more and more like cardboard dude I aint paying for this ****** .
Umm I'm not a pizza delivery guy and that's my math book ******* .
Yeah of course I knew that im just ******* with you sparky .
Okay man fifty bucks .
The young hamster was convinced this guy was totally insane .
Fifty buck's for what ?
Duh Fifty for the **** ******* what you really think anyone would come here for ******* life advice from me?
I mean sure I'm ******* awesome as **** I do great drugs I drink more than a fish and chicks dig me I mean sure you don't see any around that's just cause there on a break man I'm kind of finding myself .
You know just me my drugs and the wilderness .
Okay that explains why this place looks like you live in it there's a stack of **** movies that looks like you raided a wharehouse and your parked in a vacant lot in the city.
Yeah well least Im not some kid selling terrible pizza's that taste like paper oh yeah your late bud so this ones on the house .
I'm not a pizza boy you crazy old ******* !
Taking a long pause the artist formerly known as Gonzo was dead silent .
You have a point pizza boy who am I kidding I live in a kickass converted bookmobile where I basically sell dope to little ***** looking to get high and hopefully get to see some ******* in between
and you my wise public servant of terrible tasting pizza are yet living a existence of misery selling **** for us stoners to stuff are wasted faces with.
Dude are you ******* nuts I'm not a pizza delivery boy I'm just a young writer looking for advice .
The young hamster went into his whole tale woe how nobody liked him and he was being picked on by ******* jocks who seven years from now would working the same dead end job as himself jerking off to old game video's well the ones that didn't make it to the NFL and had super model ****** blowing them while they watched old game videos that is .
He rambled on as the wise slightly ****** and definitely drunk wizard of Gonz pretending to care and listen much like he did to chicks he was trying to get lucky with.
You know Gonzo your really ******* weird but man I feel better .
I bet you were once just like me a outcast loser wimp who was deeply sensitive and yearned for the love of another.
He just stayed silent sitting across from the table a wise man hidden behind dark glasses and madness .
So what do I owe you man ?
Umm Gonzo man are you lost in thought or something ?
The young dork had just bared his angst ridden soul and now he thought to himself **** man I think it was to much for him no wonder he's gone insane from listening to my ******* .
It felt like a hour as he kept trying to get the poet known as Gonzo to respond .
He was about to get off his **** and shake him when a noise more fowl than Justin Biebers voice broke the silence .
It was the biggest and longest **** he had ever herd and smelled almost as bad as gonzo's demented long winded jokes .
Finally he showed signs of life oh dude I forgot to tip you so sorry **** I had the best sleep of my life your better than listening to the newest Taylor Swift cd hell I was like in a coma dam did you **** in here I swear you kids and your silly pranks it's okay kid I swiped your wallet.
You wont believe the **** I can pull when your asleep.
So you mean this whole time I been spilling my heart out to you thinking we were really becoming friends you were ******* asleep!?
Like a drunken baby after a good binge in the trailer park amigo .
**** this !!
With that the young miserable moody *** teen hamster was gone and again gonzo was left to his thoughts to reflect on maybe he should have.
Aww **** that **** he said and cracked another fifth of bourbon and turned on some first class **** I'm talking bout the evening news hamsters get your minds out of the gutter.
Sure life can be total **** look at mine it's like a landfill of ******* crap.
But instead of being emotional *****.
I do what any grown man who lives a mobile bar does .
Drink my liver silly and party my **** off writing ****** misspelled things to make people laugh and get hamsters to show me there ******* duh I'm just like Shakespeare minus the talent and funny dungeons and dragons voice .
Until next time kids stay crazy.