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Hayley Apr 2018
We are mistakes
We are apologies
We are saying sorry when we don't mean it, we need it,
Someone else should say it for a change
We are “it's okay”
“Of course it's ok”
We are “My bad”
Creating excuses from the vibrant corners of our mind
The only parts that aren't dusty with misuse

We are dependent, if nothing else
We are unhappy if you're unhappy,
Our feelings are a bed of nails that only admit to being a bed,
Because of course as long as you're careful you won't get hurt.

Our ears are pressed to the carpet,
Listening to your every move,
Keeping a tally of missteps that
we won't ever tell you you took

We are quiet
Until prying our own chapped lips open,
we are apologetic,
We are every bottled up “I hate you”
And “go to hell”
And “*******” that we never got to say
And we keep it down, swallow it whole, refuse to breathe so it can't escape, be sure it can never escape
Because, like a moth flies towards the light, we are always flying towards resolution
Nevermind our feelings,
We will be ok,
Are you ok?
We're happy if you're happy, after all.

And then they come and sew our mouths shut,
Pat us on the head, so we know we are the ones at fault,
They say “shh” because our words are too sharp for their ears,
And god forbid they bleed instead of us
Isn't that the point of it all?
We are your shields and you can never be rid of us,
Like every hair on your body,
We stand up when fear takes over,
Like every shiver in cold,
We will attempt to bring you back to normal,
Like every single time the moon falls,
We will be back to shine in your darkness

We are underestimated
We are under acknowledged
Under viewed
Under appreciated
Under valued
But we know we are not unused or unloved

We are not understood either,
But understanding is an understatement when it comes to us

We are every moment you need a friend and
Every time a friend needs a moment
We are the impenetrable armor that everyone wish they had in their army
We are the gun, too
Loaded, but never fired
Saving ourselves for the right time
Jan 2018 · 306
Ha ha ha
Hayley Jan 2018
My best friend doesnt understand and
that is the saddest thing I can think of.

I told her I want someone to tell me that my feelings are valid, that his feelings are valid, I don't want anyone to take my side anymore, I don't want anyone to tell me he's crazy, or he's an alcoholic, or that I'm in a "weird position".

Friends can't help but take their friends' side when in an argument with anyone, but I don't want sides anymore I just want confirmation that I'm not ******* crazy.

I just want to tell someone what's going on. Period. End of story. I just want someone to purely listen, don't say what they think they should, view it with an outsiders perspective, and don't try to change anything, don't try to understand because you don't, but just try to listen.

I just don't want to talk to someone in fear that they will try to intervene, that they will try to fix something. And for some reason I see that as a bad thing, and its because I don't want to make him mad. Because telling someone how I feel would be telling them that I'm scared when he's been drinking. And nothing good comes out of that.

I really think if he just stopped drinking we could be ok, but I don't know how to make that happen. I just want to be ******* happy again is that so much to ask?
Jan 2018 · 452
my day in 10 words
Hayley Jan 2018
I thought it was gonna be good
i was wrong
Hayley Jan 2018
why should he deserve something that i worked so hard to have?
because life isnt fair
why should i be expected to just be ok with the fact that i participated more and yet he still gets the spot?
because life isnt fair
i spent 5 months perfecting my piece, spending full saturdays performing for strangers, while he did not, while he performed for one teacher once a-freaking-week, and yet im not enough?
because life isnt fair
i forgot;
im not gay
im not a guy
and im not a girl performing from a guys perspective
he is gay, a guy, and a guy performing from a girls perspective, though
much more likely to win with a piece like that
because no one wants to hear,
or rather, everyone has already heard
the white girl cry about how hard it is to be a girl
my bad, i forgot that life isnt fair
**whoops
Jan 2018 · 253
3/7 nights cried to sleep
Hayley Jan 2018
It feels like for every good day there's enough bad in 1 hour to **** all the good out of my life.
Maybe if you'd just stop ******* smoking and drinking things might be ok, because we only ever have problems when you're not sober.
And you for some reason can't see that as the issue but ******* it really is and every time I hear you walk or laugh or say a single word while you're under the influence I cringe because I'm ******* scared you'll say anything to me and I'll go to bed
Crying again
Jan 2018 · 260
2018 - the beginning
Hayley Jan 2018
Paul texted me how disappointed he was in me at 7am
At 5am Milk texted me about how upset and betrayed he feels by me
I've just been laying in bed crying
all morning (oh my god its 1:26pm)
I'm hungry but also don't want to eat
at all
My head feels empty but also like its gonna explode
When I woke up I almost puked
My throat hurts from screaming and crying last night
I don't know what I want anyone to say
Really
Hayley Nov 2017
1.  Ice falling into a glass
2. The opening of a diet coke can
3. Him stomping
4. Him sitting in the chair in the kitchen
5. Him coming close to my door
6. Him going to the bathroom outside my room
7. Loud music after 9pm
8. Him talking
9. Him screaming
10. Him laughing
11. Him breathing
12-infinity. Any association that reminds me of home 3 years ago

And this isnt to say hes an alcoholic its just to say that when he drinks I view him as the monster my mom made me think he was and although I know he's a good man I can't help but go right back to being scared in my room, hearing them yell at each other in the other room and you know I have never honestly said that I have been abused but I have been abused. Emotionally, psychologically. I love this man but he also scares me to death and that isn't fair. I'm going to model my parenting after everything my parents weren't and I can't wait to be a mom just to see my child be so much better off than I am.
Jun 2017 · 362
Untitled
Hayley Jun 2017
How to describe something so normal yet strange - I don't know.
She laughs at everything,
even though her eyes tell a different story -
her eyes seem tired, relaxed-
but when she speaks, full of life, radiant,
somehow wanting more than the
situation
has to offer.
He quietly strokes her arm, and in the silence there is a wonderful peace that is spread across her face, a faint smile still stains her lips, but otherwise she is blissfully sleeping.
That is,
until his hand starts moving across her body,
to her other arm
her wrist
her hand
her hand
her stomach
her hand
her arm
her stomach.

In her state, a finger near a belly button is enough to set off the fireworks
that had been lit hours before,
in a fit of smoke,
ignited by the words, "another hit?"
Jan 2017 · 322
Thoughtfulessness
Hayley Jan 2017
I'm trying so hard not to think because once I do I can hear what is going on around me and I'm trying so hard not to think because once I don't I can't hear what is going on inside me

If nothing else, I'll miss my friends
If nothing else, I'll tell him how I feel
If nothing else, I'll give myself to people who I've spent more than half my life with and I'll leave me with us here, miles and miles away from a new place I'll call "home"
Jan 2017 · 448
Miss You
Hayley Jan 2017
It's been a while since I wrote,
Since I usually only write when I'm struggling
And lately ive not been struggling
Since my mom moved out and I moved back in
Since I became tired of school
Since I became normal

I'm sick of being normal
I want to be on an extreme
I want to be depressed
I want to be elated
Ive felt both sides of the spectrum and I'm bored of being nothing special anymore
I'm sick of doing nothing all day because I find it relaxing
I'm sick of talking to strangers all night because the people in my life in front of me don't entertain me anymore.

Wife me up is a weird phrase, isn't it?

Spanish class shouldn't be this boring

Why can't he be my own age? And not make bad choices, like me?

I'm the bad choice, not the one who makes bad choices
I think

I'm sick of saying "I think" and people accepting that as fact and being okay with the fact that nothing is definite

Life me up, please
Jan 2017 · 537
Ssssssssssssssssss
Hayley Jan 2017
Love him one day and hate him the next?
It's the teenage obsession with ***!

Do anything to get him to notice you
Find out that all along that he's a snake, too

Other than looks, what more does he have?
The opportunity for a good, hearty laugh

Overall, what are you to do and say?
Just pray that this obession will go away
Meant to be read as a cheer
Jun 2016 · 445
Excuses
Hayley Jun 2016
I said it was "cold sweat";
My hair was just wet
from a shower last night
Jun 2016 · 373
Untitled
Hayley Jun 2016
Pain just means you're alive
Jun 2016 · 492
Bizzare
Hayley Jun 2016
It's so odd to see you,
The person whom I used to tell anything,
And not say anything at all
#ex
May 2016 · 417
Resilent
Hayley May 2016
When you stab dry sand it takes a different shape  but is otherwise unchanged
May 2016 · 327
Untitled
Hayley May 2016
Its just weird how one moment I can be happy its over and the next Im crying because it is
May 2016 · 958
No name
Hayley May 2016
I have this teddy bear you gave me

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it

I have this teddy bear you gave be for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me because you actually don't know me at all

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me because you actually don't know me at all even though we had been dating for a year

I have this teddy bear you gave me and I cuddle with him, with zero thought of you

I have this teddy bear you gave me and when I break up with you, I'm going to keep him

I have this teddy bear you gave me and he has never, and will never, have a name

I have this teddy bear who? gave me
May 2016 · 527
There are no words
Hayley May 2016
I can finally understand why people cut
Its a feeling of loss of control
Like a car swerving in front of yours
Like knowing when you'll die
Like being aware as you drown
Like déjà vu
But the kind of déjà vu that leaves you uneasy and confused
Angry or sad or indifferent arent the right ones to describe this emotion
Its the feeling you get when everything is going wrong
When the things you love become the past
When the things you love become the last thing on your mind before
*bliss
May 2016 · 240
Untitled
Hayley May 2016
Maybe when my pieces come back together ill be stronger than before
May 2016 · 373
Bath
Hayley May 2016
The water, too hot
The faucet got cold,
And with it my feet,
My most sensitive parts are suddenly burned by the touch of this warmth
This warmth is no campfire though,
It engulfs my body and I am left,
Charred and crying,
Please just go away
Mar 2016 · 475
Im no fish
Hayley Mar 2016
Crying feels like drowning
When you cry for long enough, your nose starts feeling stale
You know when you're swimming and inhale water?
Sniffling has that effect on you after a while
As if your feelings are getting caught in your sinuaes, chemicaled with the chlorine of what you did, and the pool cleaner of how you tried to fix it.

His water is suffocating me because I forgot to turn the ******* hose off.

Its cold in here
Mar 2016 · 418
Sorry
Hayley Mar 2016
If I go one more hour without talking to you, my heart will explode
As is, my face is breaking, my chest is tightening around something that is only getting larger with regret
Feb 2016 · 312
Untitled
Hayley Feb 2016
My sanity hurts
Feb 2016 · 411
Am i depressed?
Hayley Feb 2016
I'm so sick of not having the words to describe how I feel anymore.
The smallest of provocations makes me cry, sometimes as soon as I lay down the tears start flowing and I can't ever stop them before I text a friend, or my boyfriend.
My boyfriend, who treats me as if my feelings are dumb, though he swears he doesn't mean to.
They reply with "what's wrong" and
I can't give them an answer
My best friend says it's OK,
My boyfriend sends a confused face.
And time and time again I apologize for not knowing what's wrong, for inconveniencing them with my feelings, but saying this makes me feel even more helpless.
I can't even tell the truth to myself anymore.
I'm lying in my bed crying for no reason.
**Help me please
(Title is a serious question. I have no idea what's happening to me)
Feb 2016 · 349
Night time Muse
Hayley Feb 2016
When I can't sleep I think about you
When I can sleep, I dream about you

When I can't cope, I leave without you

When I can't smile, I look at you
When I can smile, I gaze at you

When I can't breathe, I wait for you
When I can breathe, I wait for you to stop me
Jan 2016 · 1.3k
Auditory Learner, Over Here
Hayley Jan 2016
I'm so sick of saying sorry when i don't mean it, I need it.
You can borrow mine if you want, it's right on the tip of my tongue,
oh but don't grab the words I saved for my notebook,
for that other version of you that I believe will love me after I tell him the truth about how I feel.
And don't grab that poem about how much I love you when you say you love you, I mean me.
Right?
See, I think you grabbed the wrong words, you grabbed the I'm
but left the sorry,
and took the right?,
but left the question mark.
I'm left with the sorry?, and I have no choice but to use it.
I honestly wrote so much in my notebook but this is the only one i wrote on my phone
Dec 2015 · 395
Almost 9 Months
Hayley Dec 2015
Should I still get nervous around you? Or does that mean we don't work...?
For real, comment and help me out lol
Nov 2015 · 441
Kyle
Hayley Nov 2015
Last night, I lay and stared at your face
I don't think I've ever seen anything that sincere,
I have never had anyone look at me
With that
Admiration
Before.
Staring into your eyes,
I realized that I was probably looking at you the same way.
I felt like you could see all of me,
And you loved everything you saw.
Nov 2015 · 413
"I love you"
Hayley Nov 2015
I feel like a child using adult words
Oct 2015 · 321
Untitled
Sep 2015 · 353
Untitled
Hayley Sep 2015
Someday I hope for my tears to turn gold
Then at least,
my face will be pretty
Sep 2015 · 1.2k
Silent Suffer
Hayley Sep 2015
I can't even cry loudly in fear that my tears will wake the people who truly live here
Jul 2015 · 2.6k
Time Lapse
Hayley Jul 2015
When I showed up,
Out of breath,
Scared
At 1am
I did not think that taking off my coat could
Ever
Feel so intimate
At 1am,
It was as if I was naked, my arms were the parts of me that no one had seen
At 1am,
My coat was gone and suddenly so were my inhibitions
At 1am,
You pulled me into the bed,
Bliss
At 2am,
The fact that your mom didn't know made every feeling that much stronger
At 2am,
We did things I should be ashamed of
At 2am,
I felt so ******* amazing
At 2am,
We thought your mom was coming in (******* your cat)
At 3am,
My lips were numb
At 3am,
I still wanted more
At 3am,
It seemed you were done
You came,
And then left
At 3am,
I lay in your bed alone, hoping that we weren't
At 3am,
You came back and cuddled with me
At 3am,
You showed me way more than you have ever told me
At 4am,
We decided to stop
At 4am,
I remembered I was supposed to be at home
At 4am,
We talked, and laughed
At 4am,
You told me I was too loud
At 4am,
You kissed me goodnight,
Or,
Was it good morning?
At 4am,
I pulled my coat back on my shoulders,
And walked home alone
At 4am,
I was covered so no one could see me

At 10am,
I woke up thinking:
"wow"
Apr 2015 · 364
Untitled
Hayley Apr 2015
My thoughts;
I forgot how to kiss, what do I do?
Then. . .
Bliss
Apr 2015 · 476
vitality
Hayley Apr 2015
This feels so pure, unlike anything I've felt before,
We haven't even kissed, but my body needs you more

You held my hand, and I couldn't help but smile,
I could do this for a while

I've never wanted to know this much
About a person I hardly even touch

Come to me,
Make me feel alive,
Your hands are the key
I didn't know I could feel this good.
Apr 2015 · 587
maybe?
Hayley Apr 2015
I've been wanting to hold your hand, but every time I think about it, mine get sweaty.
I'm just scared you'll pull away
Mar 2015 · 2.7k
If I die young
Hayley Mar 2015
Hearing your voice puts knifes in my heart

You'd think by now the knife would be dull

But it reopens the wounds as easy as ever

These scars are never to heal

Hearing your voice makes my blood pulse

The new wounds bleed faster

You'd think I'd never forget this pain

But every time it feels just as bad

This blood will stain me forever

Hearing your voice makes my breath short*

My vision goes black

You'd think I'd wake up feeling confused

But I remember it clearly;

Your voice took my breath for good
Mar 2015 · 403
now im scared
Hayley Mar 2015
What the hell was I thinking?
I'd be in so much trouble if ANYONE found out.
Feb 2015 · 1.3k
"take a deep breath"
Hayley Feb 2015
Why would I inhale all of my problems, when I can let them go?

I can breathe quickly til I pass out

I can hold my breathe til I die

Or let it all out with a sigh

I'd rather **** myself than choke on the words of others.

Honey, just leave me be.
Feb 2015 · 644
I'm so close
Hayley Feb 2015
I can hardly breathe
My eyes are wet
I'm breaking down
How bad can it get?

I've already cried this week
Honestly you can stop
Just shut up
JUST SHUT THE **** UP
I'm gonna lose it
Feb 2015 · 905
theif
Hayley Feb 2015
She gave him her heart,
thinking very hopefully,
"He'll return it soon enough,"
But he held a trophy

With this valuable heart given to him,
He smiled to himself,
"I guess I'll take it now",
And placed it on the shelf

One day she came over,
And saw the display
"Baby, what's this?"
She asked with dismay

He grabbed her by the wrists,
And whispered in her ear:
"Your heart is mine"
And this filled her with fear

She shivered once more,
And looked into his eyes
"Please, give it back"
And the next event was no surprise

He slit her throat and laughed aloud
"you stupid ******* *****!"

Her blood was already staining,
His perfect hardware floor.
Not sure, it just came to me. I'm not even sure if I like it myself...
Feb 2015 · 270
Untitled
Hayley Feb 2015
I'm so scared of him when he's been drinking
Feb 2015 · 636
im still hungry
Hayley Feb 2015
When I was younger, I used to eat Lucky Charms all the time. I used to pick out all the marshmallows, leaving all the terrible, yet still very sugary "frosted oats." I made myself eat all of the bad part first, then as I reward I would eat all of the marshmallows at once.

I'm thinking maybe I should go about life like I used to eat my Lucky Charms...

Save the best for last, get the bad part over with, then have all the good stuff at once.

But what if I have more frosted oats than marshmallows?

What if the amount of frosted oats is too much to swallow?

I'd never be able to finish
Not really a poem, just thoughts
Feb 2015 · 1.3k
Scents in Your Memory
Hayley Feb 2015
When I smell dandruff shampoo, I think of my father

I guess my nose remembers him better than my head

When I smell a ***** shirt, I think of my grandmother

I guess my nose remembers her, even though she's practically dead

When I smell my old perfume, I think of him

I guess my nose remembers him, and everything he said
Every time I smell it, I get dizzy and sorta wanna puke
Hayley Jan 2015
*******.

Those poems were from a year ago.

I just deleted all of them,
are you happy now?
Oh wait, you could never be happy, because anything that I'm involved in makes you angry for no reason.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. The past is in the past, but let's not forget YOU cheated on ME.
******* x 475037290
Jan 2015 · 638
even in death
Hayley Jan 2015
we cannot be rid of our Shadows,
our Shadows will always lie behind us,
our pasts are Shadows we can't escape

even though the Shadows are not always in sight,
they never leave us

our Shadows, our pasts, are always a part of us,
like in this,
the Shadow of the bird's beak seems to be the beak itself

the outline around this bird resembles a pedestal, raising this dead dove above the ground

the darkness of the bird itself makes you see the Shadows as a part of it

I can hear the waves just beyond

the bird was so beautiful, and now it's dead

I wonder what it looked like flying. . .
I went to the Art Institute of Chicago the other day. I was looking up pieces before I went, and found one that inspired this poem.
"Portrait of a Sea Dove - Dead" by Marsden Hartley.
The URL: http://www.artic.edu/aic/collections/artwork/65945
Art is so beautiful
Jan 2015 · 877
Telescope
Hayley Jan 2015
Beyond the trees you see,
I see the monsters

Beyond the trees you see,
I see the darkness

Beyond the trees you see,
I see the birds

Beyond the trees you see,
I hear the music
Jan 2015 · 579
Pain
Hayley Jan 2015
You know it's bad when you wake up at two in the morning, moaning.
Then the moaning turns to crying,
The crying to sobbing,
And
Suddenly it's seven,
And you have to face another ******* day.

*Great
Jan 2015 · 1.6k
10 Things I Am CRAZY About
Hayley Jan 2015
1)* Boys (gotta love being on your period and wanting to make out with *everyone)
2) Poetry (writing and reading)
3) Reading (mostly romance)
4) The Idea of Love (who isn't?)
5) Death (the who, what, when, where, why and how of it)
6) Perfection (striving for the impossible)
7) Myself (my nose is too big, my thighs are too big, I'm too big)
8) Making the Most of Every Moment (see #5)
9) Unimportant Stuff (such as why I may be liking him again?)
10) Making the People I Love Feel It (I ******* love you to pieces)
Not sure this is what you meant, but imma just roll with it...
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