They keep saying that it'll be alright,
that I should be happy to be in love.

That distance doesn't matter,
Because love doesn't know miles.

That the loneliness and aching for you will go way,
but when?

And here I am.
laying in an empty bed,
craving for a warmth
a heater couldn't give.

And here I am sitting in English class
trying to listen to a book being read,
but all I can think of is our story,
the life I built for us in my mind

the only love I've ever known
is 287 miles away from me
and all I can do is miss you
and hope that one day soon
I will get to say, "I'm home."

I hide everything away and have the appearance of not caring about a lot of things,
yet I stay up all night and wonder what is wrong with me as I  rip apart every second of my past, remembering that I don’t know the last time I was happy, and I destroy myself in the process of thinking.
I stare blankly everyday in a crowded classroom tucked into the back seat, listening to music because the silence causes me to panic and stress myself out over the future because how can I know what I want to do if sometimes my only thought is when I’ll die and yet while I don’t believe in a Heaven and sometimes feel as if I’m already in Hell, I am scared of what will happen after I die because what if Heaven is real and those thousands of times I lied and said I was okay when I was so depressed I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn’t even tell if I was breathing or said I wasn’t hungry as I tried to steady myself from passing out because I haven’t had so much as an apple since last week, all add up and I end up going to some place worse than here?
And recently I’ve convinced myself that feeling absolutely nothing is better than feeling anything at all. I don’t know if I’m better, worse, or settling for middle ground as I wait until the end of the line. Some nights I’ll allow myself to feel and I’ll panic because I’ve lost so much and so many people just use me, and it is so heart breaking to constantly be the person everyone uses. I feel like an old cigarette that is used to temporarily calm someone down, but they aren’t even a smoker and I wasn’t an addiction, just a phase. Yet,  I was their 4 a.m and sometimes 4p.m and what they didn’t know was I am a smoker and I was so addicted; I never intended to stop. I was ready to die from corroded, blackened lungs. Now I stay up till way past 4a.m going through the physical pain that comes along with withdrawal and the ache in my head is nothing compared to the ache in my chest that has me so broken down I couldn’t even stand up if I tried and I cry so hard it makes the pain in my head worse and some nights I worry that my head will explode.
The next day I go to school and I’m numb, I don’t feel anything for days, sometimes weeks, until one of those nights happens again. I’ve found comfort in feeling nothing and I’ve mastered the art of shutting everyone out and no one takes the time to take a second glance.
Maybe I don’t want them to ask questions, or maybe being used so much has made me completely horrified to even let someone know my name, let alone anything.
I don’t want to feel anything with anyone because I become so addicted to the euphoric high I get when I think someone cares just for them to treat me like a cigarette once again, as they throw me away without even thinking about it, stepping on me to make sure that my light is completely gone.
I’ve decided that feeling nothing at all is the place I am most comfortable, replying on the few people that make me happy. And even though I don’t believe in a god,  I pray every night they won’t throw me away like everyone else because no matter how good I am at fooling everyone else, I can’t keep lying to myself and no matter how good I am at feeling nothing, some nights I feel every little thing and I need someone to keep me sane because at 2a.m on a Tuesday night I drive myself to the point of insanity and if I didn’t have someone to hold me up, I’d drown myself and I don’t know if I’d be able to come back up for air on my own.

It's 1:24 am on a Tuesday, and I haven't stopped smiling. Even 287 miles away,
You make me happier than anything ever has. And I know that love has no distance,
because it's been almost a month since the last time I saw you and I have stayed up every night thinking about you and I swear to god everyday I find one more little thing I love about you and I fall more in love with you.
I am laying here thinking about all the ways to tell you I love you and all the ways I can show you. I'm thinking about our first kiss and the first time I realized I was in love with you. I'm thinking of the first time I got to sleep in your arms and all the times you made me so happy I cried. I love you so much and this is so hard because I see my friends with the people they love and all I can do is send you a text saying I love you but I won't even say I miss you because I am scared you'll think I am not okay with waiting and if I lost you now, I'd be so ruined. But I miss you so much and it is so hard to wait but it'd be so much harder if I just never saw you again. If all these memories turned into bitter ones and if I had to go from thinking your name and smiling to trying to drown you from my mind with whatever worked, I wouldn't be able to smile anymore. All those cheesy love songs that make me think about you or those ****** love poems I wrote about you would just make me hate myself because I lost the only person who was able to make me happy. I never thought I could miss someone this much, and oh my god, it hurts so bad and sometimes I can't sleep at night because my bed feels so empty and cold without you here to hold me in it, but I'd never give this up. I'd wait another month, hell I'd wait a year if I had to because I swear to god that you're the one and I'd have to be an idiot to give someone as amazing as you up.

And I can't sleep at night anymore because I swear to god the sheets still smell like you even though I bought new ones last week.
My mind is burns with the memory of your eyes when you used to look at me, and say you loved me.
Your smile was so lovely, just like those lies you told me when we would lay in the darkness.

I stand in shower,
rubbing at my skin trying to rid myself of your touch.
If I could,
I'd shed my skin all together.

It's been years and I can still remember the fear in my heart when I woke up
You took my sleeping as silent consent
Even though I was only 9.

I thought for so long that it was my fault.
I fear every man I meet,
I worry that he'll be just like you.

I still have nights where I worry that
You'll wake me up again.

I feel so used
So worthless,
and you ruined by life.

I stopped caring about my body,
I let others use me,
I let others treat me like trash
Because I felt like I was.

I stopped eating
and started to hurt myself in order to feel.

I still hate my body
and I still remember what places you touched
Where the bruises were.

You Ruined My Life

Your lips pressed softly to mine,
and I swear to god the world stopped.
My heart beat faster,
and my mind went blank.

Months later,
Your hands traced the curve of my back,
and it caused shivers up my spine.
My heart skipped a beat,
and my mind was flooded with thoughts of you.

You held my hand everywhere we went,
and I knew that I was in love.
My heart swelled with happiness,
and my mind couldn't focus on anything but you.

You held me when we watched films,
and I began to crave your arms around me.
My heart longed for you,
and my mind thought of nothing but being in your arms.

You have my heart in your hands,
and have taken over my mind.

"It's too early to be in love", They said.
But since when did love have a limit,
When was it decided that you had to spend a certain length of time with someone,
Before you could love them?

Why do I have to be with someone for months before I can say I love them?
Why do I have to be with someone for months before I am allowed to stay up late at night thinking about them?

I said I loved you from day one.
I flat out told you I was falling in love with you.
I lost sleep over you before we were even together.

Love has no time limit.
Love is how you feel.
Love is not limited to a number of months.
Love is limitless.

I am used to shutting everyone out,
Hiding away so I feel safe.
Hurt too many times to be foolish,
and think it's okay to trust people.
Yet, I trusted you from day one.
I let myself open up to you,
in ways I have never done before.
I was scared at first of loving you,
Scared to death of falling for you.
But while trying not to fall for you,
I fell harder than I ever thought I could,
And you fell for me as well.
I will never regret letting you in,
I will never regret falling in love with you
Just,
Please don't go.

So many times I tried to convince myself you actually might have cared and you didn't just use me and throw me out like worthless trash. For so long I was fooled by those beautiful **** blue eyes that used to make me smile but now makes my heart ache and my head hurt and my mind yell at me for being so foolish. I asked myself so many times how you can go from saying that you needed me, needed me or else you’d fall apart, to forgetting my name, acting as if it never slipped passed your lips, forgetting that I was the first person who stayed up with you late and night and went out of my way to wipe away your tears...were those tears even **** real or where they a way of getting me to actually believe you cared. Those late nights I stayed up worrying whether or not you were okay. God, I lost so much sleep wondering about you.
I tell others who ask that I hate you and that I don’t care that you’re gone from my life, but there are nights I look down and remember how nice to was to have someone who was always, always there. How I felt special that you chose me to be the person that you’d tell all your secrets too and the first person you’d come to when you needed advice.
But now you go on with your life without even spending one second thinking about me. You go on day after day without having me cross your mind while it's been seven months since we talked and just last night I was up till 2AM on a Sunday night thinking about you and wanting to rip out my own beating heart for caring about you for so long after you long since forgot I even exist.
I tell myself daily that I hate you more than anyone, but I know that I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.

s ilent voices
u nderneath my skin
i n a dark world it
c aptures the weak
i t takes us away
d rowns our bones
e nding our nightmare