I am about to have a mental break down,
and despite what you think,
this is not poetic.
Yet, I will sit here,
writing a poem in hopes that it'll stop it from coming.
My heart is racing and my hands feel ice cold.
I can barely see the keyboard as I start to cry,
My entire body shaking like a hurricane trying to hold back gushing tears.
God, my hands feel numb,
and I can't catch my breath,
Why did you do this?
Why did you cheat on me like I meant nothing?
Why were your 'I love you's all lies?
Why was I not enough
I gave up writing
I no longer want to be a part of this place
Self hate is part of my nature
Dying would make me too happy
I want to feel pain
In the most erotic way
Bags under my eyes are now a permanent part of me
Shaking hands won't still
Voices in my mind won't silence
Sad cliches won't stop becoming true
I love a liar and welcome the pain it brings
I am not worth a single thing.
I am alone inside my head,
while I have a cheater in my bed.
My life is a sad song playing on repeat
Because I wallow in any emotion I feel.
I'm not good enough
But you made me start to believe I was.
I'm not thin enough
But you gave me the strength to eat again.
I love you
But you didn't love me enough to stay away from her.
I wish I was at your house
But you hardly said that to me.
I want to marry you
But you told her you wanted to fuck her.
You said you loved me,
While you told her you lusted her.
I was "the only one" for you,
While she was "the most important girl".
The promise to marry me,
But the promise to last longer in bed with her
You watched as I read every word,
Saw all the reveling photos,
The same photos you sent me.
You watched as I broke down,
As I begged for the truth,
As I begged for you to not hurt me again.
Please, don't make me regret a second chance.
When I was 4 years old,
I remember sitting on my grandparent's front porch waiting for you.
"I'll pick her up at noon" my father would say,
But I'd wait and wait all day.
Every time, he was a no show.
But old habits die hard,
and over the years I attached myself to those who left me and let me down.
14 years later,
I am now 18 and haven't seen my father since.
"Never will I feel that way again"
I am in love with someone who was there for me,
The distance made it hard,
But we were experts at making it work.
Visits every month were the thing we lived off.
We live together now,
and his video games have spent more time with him than I.
The most time we spend together are when we sleep,
And I've finished all 4 seasons of The Walking Dead this week,
Sitting in our room waiting for you.
"Never again" I said,
and I guess I am the one who lets myself down.
Falling in love with a person who loves games more than me.
But what can I do when I love him more than me?