with each word that you speak to me
i am blindsided with a false reality
that there is still and us and we never ceased to be
but then i am reminded that those words that drip from the lips i once kissed
are from a platonic tongue that i do not want to know just yet
i’m still clinging onto a dialectic of romance that had kissed after each syllable and made my heart melt with each phrase
this change in language i cannot accept and it hurts too much to be exposed

stare deep into my eyes
can you see the grim reaper staring back?
do you see any form of life within the blue?
look at me, look at the state i’m in
can you see how skeletal my body has become? how frail and weak?
do you see where the exhaustion has eaten away at my skin and left purple rings under my deadly eyes?
did you ever think that you would be the reason you stared at death in the eyes?
did you ever think that this pain, this treacherous pain would all come from simple words that slid off your younger like butter?
i know your in pain to look at what you’ve unknowingly done to me
darling, you’re eyeing death up and down and staring at the grim reaper, please be polite.
after all, it’s because of your doing that you’ve been greeted by a corpse.

and in that moment
in the pale moonlight
I knew i had traded in my lust for love
just by looking into those soft brown eyes.

lips on mine
hands intertwined
nothing but time
and the stars in our eyes
you and me, together at last.

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,

breathe in, and  breathe out
breathe in, and breathe out
stop thinking and breathe out
stop shaking, and breathe out
stop existing, and breathe out

scenes replay in my mind and it feels like our feature film is a remake of the broken romance i starred in last

i told the writers to change the plot
make the lover the protagonist and not the devil throwing jabs at my heart
i told the director to change the shot
make each seen la vie en rose instead of a black and white silent film
i told the costar make the camera believe that you love me instead of deceiving it and making the audience see how much you strive to hurt me
i told the lover please, make me feel the love you were casted to display
make me beg for your touch, crave your kiss and make your lips taste like honey
make your embrace feel safe and not like a war zone
make me believe that you love me but this time mean it.

I can get you out
your face haunts my dreams
the memories fill my mind like a disease
I want to be ridded of your curse
The sickening sweetness of your voice, the way your smile made mine shine bright.
The way your words made my heart flutter
from one poet to another, be careful to fall in love with someone so graceful with words.
One day the words will stop being so sweet and you blissful endeavours will meet a violent end.

i loved you, sometimes i think i still do
there are many things that should make me hate you
like how you left and how you made me cry too
how you said you were protecting me, but you only cared about you
there are many things that should make me hate you, but I don't, not even a little.
I believe that somewhere along the lines of our hearts intertwining, yours twisted and took mine away, because now my heart still races at the thought of your name.
or even worse t the memory of the constellations of lies in your eyes and how they reflected my suffering, but i took that as love.
but, in the void you left in my mind, everything is now shifted, there is no good, there is simply just evil.
hear all evil, see all evil, speak all evil.
You left me to die, but I still see the flecks of pain as lust in your eyes.

i crave a love so pure
a love in which angels
sing from the heavens above
a true love
but true love isn't really true
the angels won't sing down to hell.

dear the boy I'll never meet,

My head keeps pounding,
constantly thinking of you.

I hope you know every cigarette I've ever smoked was because you made me feel like I needed to.
They calm me down.
I know I shouldn't let them touch the lips yours once kissed,
but in a weird way they give me the same sensation as your nicotine kiss.
A feeling of fake love, unrequited, utterly fake, love.
They create a fake warmth to replace the cold you left.

I am so ******* cold all the time.
Anxiety levels soaring high.
Do you know how hard it is to feel any sort of warmth when you're constantly shaking?

I'm convinced I am not in love with you, merely infatuated.
But *******, I wish you didn't have this effect on me.

I'm so ******* sad.

love, the girl you'll never see.

the seconds turned to minutes, those minutes turned into hours, and then eventually days, weeks, and months.
I could see all of the time passing, sprinting past me like I was in a race with time, but I was always falling too far behind.
Time got faster and the faster I fell, deeper and deeper into the darkness, and now I have caught up with time.
With that I have caught up with everything I suppressed deep down, time will always win the race of how long I can suppress memories.

are you true?
does the weight of the world rest itself upon your shoulders and force you to relinquish all of your strength to hold it afloat?
are you afraid?
do you feel the chill of the arctic when something goes wrong or you second guess and the nerves start to tingle within?
do you feel a constant burn of nonexistent eyes peering into your skin leaving behind third degree burns from where their fiery irises once lay?  
are you real?
can you feel your gravitational pull on your heart?
can you feel it drain the life from your veins?
do you feel as if the useless attempt at a human being that stares back you in the mirror with stone cold eyes is you?
do you try to until rid your imperfections until your face is flushed with bright red finger prints and scratch marks from where you tried to suppress or delve them from your flesh?
are you alive? or simply just pretending to be?

there once was a time
when love was the greatest mystery known to man
when husbands and wives
didn't **** their baby sitters and ruin their children's lives
when flowers were given as a token of flattery and not an excuse for an apology

there once was a time
when you and i, partook in this mystery
where our hands were intertwined
and our hearts fluttered at the same time

but that was a long time ago
and i know
all the secrets.

october 7th: i saw your for the first time and i knew you were something special

october 25th: we had our first real interaction, i told you that you were “so tall”, you laughed and told me about a food fight you and marcus had previously engaged in

i don’t remember the exact date but i know it was sometime in november, the third i think, you and emma ended things and i remember finding out in reading class and throwing myself a silent fist bump and whispering “yes” to no one. happy that you were finally single and i knew that i wanted you.

from november to december i was trying to set you up with sage. you were oblivious to this obviously and i had my sights on someone else, a distraction from what i really wanted but didn’t realise until i yelled at sage “go out with harrison he’s nice and cute” and so forth and she yelled at me “why don’t you go out with him?” and i replied with “maybe i will.” in that moment i knew that you were what my heart desired.

december 23: the first time i tried to talk to you. i said you were lucky that you were in australia and you told me you were visiting home. you left me on read and i remember getting sad about it, but overlooking it afterwards.

january 4th: i chatted your story about cereal, from there we hit it off. The beginning of us was anything but platonic. i knew i had a crush on you after an hour of talking but you had no idea i existed up until that moment.

january 8th: things escalated that day, we established our feelings and mutual like to each other. whatever platonic feelings lay within us faded that day and we were.... us.

january 15th: the fatal first date. i looked a mess looking back on it but i remember our first kiss and i still relive that moment. the sun had never felt so good on my skin, and you, you were a dream and i was head over heels. i remember getting home and my entire family made fun of me but all i could do was smile. i hadn’t felt butterflies in awhile and it was petrifying.

every weekend there on after we were together and after awhile i became comfortable, the most comfortable i had ever felt around a boy. i remember falling into horror, i didn’t know what this feeling entailed until february 18th...

february 18th: the day i realised that you would be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i remember the moment vividly. we were waking back from coconut and you were walking in the road because the pavement was too dark and you were scared. you were dancing to michael jackson and i remember looking at you and saying to myself “this will be the boy i fall in love with.” and i began to cry. i was terrified, i knew that once i admitted that there was no stopping myself from inevitably falling in love.

april 1st: the day i realised i loved you. we were sitting on my bed and you weren’t doing anything, simply just sitting and i looked at you and the first thing that came to my head was “i love you”. i freaked out inside and i almost said it to you, but i caught myself and you didn’t even notice my freak out.

april 8th: i thought you were going to break my heart this day. things seemed off and you only kissed me once, i had never felt so confused and upset by you before, this i believe is why you started to realise that you weren’t ready for me.

april 14th: this was the day i knew bad was coming. prom wasn’t the greatest for me and i didn’t acknowledge the fact that you leaving me alone so many times was significant to something, i should’ve seen the signs. but you looked like a dream and i was so in love with you that night. i remember our slow dance and looking into your eyes and i had never felt so much love for one thing before, i stopped myself from crying. i felt like i was on cloud nine and we were infinite.

april 18th: our first fight. it was over nothing and completely my fault, but you knew we were over and i cried myself to sleep that night. terrified that i had pushed you away and that there was nothing i could do to make you stay.

april 19th: the day before our demise. you told me that you were glad to know me when i said i was glad to have you, everyone said i was overthinking it when i thought that was a sign we were over. turns out i was right. i cried again that night, i didn’t know at the time why.

april 20th: the end of us. you wanted to be friends, and that’s what we are i guess.

i act like i’m okay with it, smile when i see you and answer all your texts. i know it’s only been just over a week, but i have never felt so much pain, this week has been an eternity. i am constantly waiting for you to change your mind but i am terrified that i am causing to you believe that we are better off as friends than lovers. i hope you know that’s not true and that there will be no one more perfect for each other than me and you. i love you and i plan to tell you one day, soon. i love you i love you i love you and i don’t think you understand that. i am doing all of this to make you happy because that’s all i could ever want. i love you my darling, and i know you don’t love me too.

i am attracted to toxicity
in the same why a moth is to a flame

toxic friendships keep me on my toes
take take take take
everything i am
take all of the meat and leave nothing but bones

toxic thoughts fill my brain
ultimately destroying every brain cell
because they act like nuclear bombs do when they decimate

toxic lovers, toxic love
the sin i cannot cleanse myself of
the flame the moth will always fly to
because its irresistible flicker always look different
it's unlike all the others, just like all toxic lovers

oh the pain that ensues
keeps my body cold for days
which you wouldn't expect from a moth who was scorched by a flame

sleep deprived and head on overdrive. heart racing a mile a minute at the thought of you and i.
la vie en rose, blissfully tragic.

hands shaking
mind racing
heart beating, faster.
horrifying thoughts,
entering your conscious mind.
this is your demons making themselves known.


to be rid of them
one must be rid of life.
they die with you, clinging onto your last breath.

the darkness lives
the darkness thrives
the darkness takes you on a drive
and leaves you stranded in the bad places


-f.r.

if i am graced to have a daughter
i want her to be a fool, a beautiful little fool.

a fool in the sense that she dreams too big
i hope she runs head first into a multitude of hopes for what she wants to be
i hope she runs around with her little legs carrying her weight telling everyone that when she's ten, oh when she's ten, she'll be the queen of every nation and that the people will sing twinkle twinkle as a global anthem

a fool in the sense that she rushes into things
never looking before she leaps, just diving straight in
leaving behind a trail of mass destruction with her tiny hands all stemming from that beautiful little mind of hers

a fool in the sense that she so easily falls in love
from falling in love with a cartoon character to falling in love with herself
but not just falling in love, giving the love back onto whoever she deems it fit for

i hope she's a fool
because by being a fool she will live a life that meets it's greatest potential
and that beautiful little fool will be just like her mother
a fool for whatever life has to offer

with you I feel like i am
f l o a t i n g
gravity ceases to exist, metaphysics are made improbable
there is no weight on my shoulders
no desire to impress because with you
i relinquish every aspect of me
even the things I wish you'd never see are brought to light
oxygen doesn't feel like poison in my lungs anymore
it feels smooth, breathing has slowly become a steady paced action
rather than a fight for a single breath adequate enough to provide some form of relief

because of you everything makes me want to breakdown and weep
but weep in the most beautiful sense of the word
weep tears of  joy because this, this is healthy and this is something that treats the delicate hearted with the fragile touch of an angel that is needed to reassure its owner that it will not be broken by the hands of a broken man

a merely teenage epiphany with the idea of what a good romance begins as
but this, this I know
is petrifying
but i believe it to be this because nothing good has come from a romance before and change is a frightening concept to most
the idea of you, the idea of me, the idea of us is absolutely insane
but that insanity might just be a sign that because of you
i am euphoric for the first time in a copious amount of sunrises

i do not believe that we are destined to be
i do not believe that the star dust that makes up both of your beings holds a magnetism that attracts you to me
nor do i believe that fate brought us together.

But i do believe that you and me
are somehow perfectly made, to be
to exist with each-
other in harmony
i do believe that my hand fits
so easily
in yours and that my
heart beats
to the same beat
as yours

a brief encounter
hand slid up silk
a hurried kiss and glance around
onlookers would ruin the show
a secret shared between lips
pupils dilate at the sight
the desire for you still reins true
craving a brief encounter once more
the odds are against the occurrence

i am mine before i am yours
but i cannot hold myself up the way you hold me
my knees buckle and i fall without your arms to support my fragile being
but you will not always be there to hold me up
so i must, learn how to stop my buckling knees collapsing underneath me

let the darkness consume all of the light,
like the transition of morning to night. the sky will become starless,
like in outer space and the heavens will call my name, wishing for me to come home.

july 24, 2018, 12:37 am
my mind is constantly fixated on you
the idea of you
the idea of us, repeating over and over
spinning like a broken record, the same melody on repeat but the scratches make it sound different each time
i don’t know why you’re still on my mind, or why you have been for the last six months..
i can’t escape it
even when you weren’t here I still couldn’t escape you, you are everywhere, you are everything
i can’t live without something retracing my steps back to you, the never ending cycle
i wish i could outrun the patterns, but the marathon sprinter in me has been bolted down to the concrete, never to escape
i don’t know what it is that i cannot escape
is it you? is it my fleeting hope to ever move on?
i think my heart isn’t letting me escape the love i have for you
i can’t escape it
i can’t escape you

the knife i held in my hand
the blood that poured from my chest
both crimson red, just like the blood that drips from my worn down finger tips when i clutched the thorns on the roses you gave to me, valentine’s curse
an open wound, cut in the shape of a heart
the doorway to my now empty rib cages that once housed the heart that beat solely for me

hand dyed crimson
is that my blood? or is that now your blood too?
vertigo symptoms
i can feel the heart beating in my palm
i place it on the gilded platter
i hand the platter to you
here is my heart
it beats only for you
it will love you for as long as you let it
please cherish it, treat it kindly
it is yours now, do with it what you wish

you took the knife from my hand and stabbed it
the room became silent, the beating had died out
with the disappearance of the beat, i disappeared with it.

the first time the rain soaked our skin
the droplets felt like kisses on my skin
the next time, the rain felt rough
like tiny little pin ****** or an untuned violin
the rain feels like cascading bullets upon my fragile body
it no longer soaks you, only me.

c'est toi, c'est la vie
you are the light of my fire
the fire that burns so brightly in my eyes
the shock that makes my come back to life
the source of oxygen for my lungs
breathe you in and exhale you out
you taste like nicotine and cut like a knife
c'est toi, c'est la vie
it's you
it's you
it's you
it always has been
it's you, it's life
and you will forever be my c'est la vie

the replies came few
he stopped saying i love you
i gave into the distance

the replies came faster
i became happier
he says i love you.

her tired eyes have seen the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets
pinks yellows and purples, hues of what true happiness must be
she begins to see in the colour schemes of sunsets and sunrises
blind sighted by her own la vie en rose

his bright eyes see in shades of grey
clouded by the thunderstorms with the most beautiful lighting display
that his eyes have grown accustomed to

their perspectives disturbed by natural phenomena
not representative of their heart's bona fide notion
her tired eyes do not reflect the sunrise, she pulls up the blind relunctantly each day and night because she cannot be anything but the sunshine girl
his bright eyes, hidden by the storms that do not rage inside, but he concocts them nevertheless because no one wants to see a bright eyed boy

I fall asleep and my mind wanders back to you

it wanders to places I've never been and things I ave never done, but every dream involves you

It's as if something inside is foreshadowing an adjacent future, but my mind tends to turn lies into truths, my mind thrives on false hope and fantasy.

My mind tries to make everything alright in the depths of the night, but as soon as my eyes are wide, all of the sadness creeps back inside.

and then it all repeats, the white lies start to play in  my mind, as soon as i close my eyes.

high beams burning holes into our irises
engines revving and dust clouds surround us
hearts racing, palpitations pounding in our eardrums
shake out the jitters, swallow your fear it’s time to face your true desires
brakes released, feet slam on the gas
speed increases, headlights come into view
crash collision and the casualties are me and you
collision of desires, you and i heading towards each other, the goal remains the same for us both
but with contrasting states of mind
i speed towards you, love heavy on my mind and with a desire to spill every ounce of it upon you
you speed towards i with a intention of being unconnected but intertwined, no commitment necessary
we collide, the fatalities high even though the only visible ones are you and i

how do you make someone love you when they never did to begin with?
how can you show them the universe you crafted for them when it’s not your right to anymore?
how do you tell someone you love them in the first place?
what does it take for the human mind to realise the mistakes it has made?
would a sacrifice of a heart suffice? I suppose it’s too late for that
why do I repeat to myself over and over each part of you that made me fall s deeply in love?
why do I remind myself of each euphoric moment we had? just so reality can bear it’s fists and give me more bruises upon my ribs, they won’t protect what’s left of my heart much longer.
why must love do this? I thought it was sweet and kind, but I guess even the grind reaper has a disguise.

i feel like we are on two different continents separated by a body of water too deep for either of us to cross with bare feet
too rough for any boat to try and defeat, the waves will enclose it in a blanket of salt and misery
simultaneously conjuring up treacherous winds that **** planes and helicopters in with a whirlpool of melancholy
the tides are undecided, constantly changing from low to high but as of late the high tides are taking over and my continent is drowning in a sea of confusion and despair
i cannot breathe, my land is being ****** away, each rise and retreat of the sea taking mountains with it, destroying what once was a beautiful bliss of serenity
the ocean
the ocean makes me fearful, makes me wreathe in my decaying skin (too much exposure to salt’ll do that to you)
the ocean is what our love has decimated to.

i don’t think i’ll recover
i want you to come back
i need to stop making myself believe that you’ll be at my front door with roses in hand saying you’re sorry and please take me back, this isn’t a ******* hallmark movie.

with each kiss i can feel you slipping through my finger tips
everyone time i say i love you
i can see the pain behind your eyes
telling me that there’s no possibility that i could love thee
because i cannot relinquish myself to thee

with each embrace i can feel my bones breaking under the pressure
they snap so easily when you hold me closely
an escape mechanism, trigged by my innate reaction to flee
already picturing the way in which you’ll leave me

sooner or later, you will be gone
even though you tell me that there isn’t a chance you’d leave over something as elementary as abstinent
but the tape plays on repeat in my mind
like a broken VHS, stuck on the same scene
you finally break and go off with someone who can give you what i refuse to
leaving me alone, just like all the other skeletons before who had beautiful bones
and i, wither down further
my skeletal bones that have long been broken, start to crack
and with each repeating scene, my broken bones disintegrate
leaving behind a pile of ash.

darling darling darling he screams
feed me
please me
make me feel alive

darling darling darling he screams
i want you so bad baby
make me beg for your “love”
kiss the soul out of my lips
make my life mean something from my stomach

darling darling darling he screams
but she runs
sprints away from all of clawing
all the calling
this is not the life she signed up for
she wanted love
he wanted a good ****

as his cries ring silent
she weeps herself to sleep
“lust isn’t love”
she repeats, in between heaves
for air.

wake up
drag yourself out of bed, despite its resistance and pull on your dead weight body
aimlessly wander, become aware of how difficult it is to drag around a full 100 pounds of bones and flesh when all you're so physically tired for no reason
force yourself to get dressed, don't bother to make yourself look presentable, you'll hate the outcome anyway
stare at the hideous reflection of the human embodiment of death staring back at you, looking straight into your stone cold blue eyes that scream out "death" from their lack of shine and purple puffiness

"is this what it's like to feel sad?
should i drink that extra cup of coffee? it won't do anything besides increase my anxiety, i drink it for warmth but i believe i have turned as cold as a statue "

go on with your day, get home, sleep, and repeat the cycle again tomorrow

looking danger straight in the eyes
feeling the rush of adreneline as you see the tempting orange flames burn behind stone cold pupils shrunk so small you wonder if danger has ever seen anything it truly liked

do I follow danger down his path of mass destruction, I mean it'd be one hell of a ride and I'm sure in time it'd mean, something
or do I stay safe and leave danger at the corner where the streetlights illuminate the darkened world with orange light, the same colour as danger's firey eyes

he looks so heavenly, like an angel in disguise
as if he could never hurt a soul or even tell a lie
and in that moment, I know what choice must be made
I wish danger goodbye, for I know pretty boys with pretty eyes who tell you that everything's going to be fine and he'll never hurt you and most of all that he loves you

point blank
straight into the eyes
pupils dilated, about 3 mm or so

rapid elevation
Where you aware you have high blood pressure?
no, I didn’t have palpitations before you

flicker
“we’re loosing her, fire up the defibiralltor”
bright lights never seemed to be so comforting
“clear”


pitch black
I don’t think I was afraid of the dark
But what scares you will eventually **** you.

faded into disturbia
felt like i was floating
couldn't see right, night two of devotion
you looked good to me
i hope these lingering attractions fade away
you were a one timer, a say hi and goodbyer
you were not supposed to take up a space in my brain to fester over
i am nothing to you
took hits just to work up the courage to talk to you
we haven't spoken since the one time
i wish i was more than a one time
but you, you have a new long time that i didn't know i wanted to be
took another sip to try and suppress you
took another hit to try and forget you
but there you still were

my mother told me she'd never been hurt by a man as much as i had been hurt by you
never been treated as horrifically as you treated me
she asked me what that kind of pain felt like because she couldn't understand
and as she watched my own child break in front of her eyes
i replied "mum, it's the kind of pain that you only feel every so often, when all the air has been taken from your lungs and you feel as if nothing is real. and you feel as if you are a ghost among the living, barely existing. and the worst thing is, it always comes from the opposite direction that the winds are to blow, the storm comes from nowhere."
she asked me how i knew what this pain was to remind her how i got here, and i told her, i loved someone more than i had ever, and then one day, they decide to play their cards against your odds and the memories still haunt you at 3 am when you're alone and all you can think of is how they used to make you feel and you make up excuses to still be with them, in any way you can, until it physically makes you ill and you unconsciously start to **** yourself from the pain. and eventually, the feeling becomes so natural, that you forget what it's like to feel normal and you call the pain love and let it live on.

your eyes were the thing that got me hooked, the first dose of your drug. then, you made me feel special and worth something, the second dose; the addiction was growing. and as time progressed, my addiction grew and my vision became fuzzy, and you became all of me. that's when I overdosed. and now you're gone and I'm just an addict with a pen. I think it's time to become sober. my dear darling of a drug, this is where the pain stops and you become nothing but a memory and I begin to detoxify.

match made in heaven
written by the stars
two kids, searching for something that their parents wouldn’t want
she’s afraid to fall
he’s afraid to stay
they’re both afraid but neither dare say
hands running wild
lust surging through every vein
she wants this to be it
he’s afraid to commit
with every waking moment
she’s up thinking of him
with every waking moment
he’s running away from the reality of what this is
her lust, is slowly turning to love
his lust is increasing
she runs for the hills, sobs matching with her pace
with every waking moment
she’s distancing from him, too afraid to admit to love and too stubborn to give into him
with every waking moment
he’s becoming more glossy eyed with the curse of lust
lost in a lie that this is just a causal fling and he’s not in a real relationship
a match made in heaven
written by the stars
two dumb kids
breaking their own hearts

the crash
spinning into the opposite lane
the panic
how the **** did this happen?
the realisation
okay, a car hit mine but i’m perfectly fine
the contact
call my mum call my sister
but the first person i thought of after all of this was you
there’s a reason for this i’m sure
and i don’t want to accept it
how is it that even in the most terrifying time i have ever been placed in, i still thought of you to talk to first
you came as soon as i told you what happened
the only calm i felt was when you held me close
i hate it.

for eyes are only eyes
until you look deep into them
memorise the colours
notice all the flecks of gold
see the soul inside

for eyes are only eyes
until you fall in love
with their owner.