Happy golden thoughts danced around my head.
Things of joy happen everywhere
Children play
Birds chirp
Flowers grow towards the sun
Everything is happy
There cannot be evil,
Not in this land of yellow.
The people live lives in shades of yellow.
No dark color inhabit.
A place of happiness really does exist

This morning I woke up without regret
Everything went well
My thoughts didn't cause any turmoil
My soul was at peace

Suddenly, something changed.
I was filled with anxiety
Gut-wrenching thoughts flooded in.
Maybe I should just die

Those words filled my head,
Impulses rushed through my body,
To act upon those nasty feelings
To actually take my own life.

But here I am
Barely breathing
Barely living
On the verge of ending it all.

This morning I woke up
Wishing i never would again

How can it be this bad?
Nothing bad is going on,
Everything is so simple
So put together perfectly.

On the outside, it's perfect
Mom and Dad married
Older brother, younger sister
Nice house, good neighborhood.

Top of class
Future mostly planned
Good paying job
Volunteers in community

Behind the closed doors,
Behind the put together girl
Was the girl struggling to live
Every moment was a struggle.

Tears of pain and suffering
All in silence
Because no one sees past
The perfect look life she possesses

I wish for freedom.
A peace of my soul wants out.
But I hold it in,
Because this is not my place,
Or my time.

I know one day I will be free,
As hard as it may be,
My freedom is coming.
One way or another.

How can I want something so desperately,
And it seem so right,
But seem so wrong?

I must have dropped my dreams at some point,
Because all of the sudden they were on the floor.
'Be careful!' I exclaimed.
'We are,' they claimed.

They weren't.

Suddenly my dreams were being stepped on.
I thought it would be okay,
But then I realized
They were shattered.

My dreams!

They were crushed by the careless acts of someone.
They said they would be careful
Now everything I ever wanted is broken,
Shattered with all hope lost.

Crunch.

The sound they made when the fateful action occurred.
My "loved one" so thoughtlessly stepped,
They knew, I told them, and they didn't care.
All hope lost and my dreams scattering with every second.

I wept.

Some days,
I do the slicing.
Others you do.

Regardless
It hurts,
Hurts like hell

On my thigh
Or
On my heart

The blood still runs
Red
Deep scarlet red.

But you
Don't know that,
Do you?

How do you say,
'You make me want to die.'
Without destroying someone?

Funny,
They tell tell you
To get rid of toxic
Things in your life,
But when you tell
Your Mom
That being around her,
Makes you want to die,
She breaks into
A million pieces
And begins to cry.

Happy

                 Okay

                                  Fine

                                               ­    Hurt

                                                       ­               Sad

                                                      ­                                 Lost


numb

I remember that phone call.
Being frozen in my room.
Heard the words,
Felt the pain,
the emotions flooded in.

"He's dead," they said.

My heart sank to my knees.
Every piece of me hurt.
Why him?
Why now?
Why?

I was on thin ice.
Barely walking with out crashing down.
That morning I sat in a church pew,
Praying that this week be the best week every.

That night,
He died.

They don't know why,
They don't know how.
But here I am crying,
Lost without you in this world.

Now it's been a year,
My wounds have since healed.
Maybe they just have gone numb,
I can't seem to feel anything.

Numbness to the world,
I felt to much, now I can't.
No way to feel relief,
If my heart won't let me breathe.

Empty emotions,
But heavy heart.
Makes for a deadly combination,
That has no good result

Do you know the demons I'm fighting?
The battles I'm losing?
The suffering I'm experiencing?

I want this war to be over.
But right now I am not winning,
I cannot take control.
The demons are winning
And I am just submitting.

To surrender is my only other option
It's fight or die.
But to surrender is to wave my flag,
To admit I am weak.

My white flag will not wave,
I will not back down.
Even when the thoughts get so strong
And it seems to be the only way out.

I will not surrender to the demons inside.
But the battles I lose, will not be a loss.
Only a celebration for a day soon to come,
A day only I seem to find joy in

That, my friend,
Will be my death.