a strong addiction to a dream is fantasy without reality.

I lay in my bead cold and alone
Waiting for the endless pain
To go away.

I lay in my bed cold and alone
For someone to save me
From dying at home.

I lay in my bed cold and alone
I write and I write
but nothing comes out.

I lay in my bed cold and alone
Talking to myself
For there’s no one to talk.

I lay in my bed cold and alone
Waiting for my soul to fill what broke.

I lay in my bed cold and alone
For happiness I seek when I’m alone.

I lay in bed cold and alone
Please save me from drowning
In my own thoughts.

I lay in my bed cold and alone…

Break me
Breathe me
Touch me
Feel me
I don’t have any reasons to stay
I don’t have any reasons to live
I need help
I’m drowning
I’m slowly dying
I’m not okay
I am
But I’m actually not
I know it gets better
It does
But when?
When is it going to be my time?
When?
Please answer
Please say something
Oh wait
I forgot something
I’m talking to a keyboard
Writing
Cries
Long sight

I am a happy girl...
Though I go through the dark
and lay on my knees,
I laugh and I laugh
till my laugh leads to tears.

Though I look and I look
at the razor once again,
I open and smile and go back to my cave.

And even though
I cry my eyes out,
this is the image I show
to the world when i'm out.

The thing they don't
know is that my tears
lead to fears,
and my soul is a virtue
no one will ever meet.

I try to be like everybody else,
to fit in.
But when I try,
I just ****.

It kills me every minute.
It kills me every day.
It kills me every hour
For the rest of each May.

It’s 3:00 in the afternoon.
Am I happy?
Yes, I guess, maybe. Just got home from school;
Tired and sleepy. Laughed a lot,
But relapsed once again.
Why is this happening again?
I can’t let myself fall again,
Though I’m forcing it to go back for them.

It’s 2:30 in the morning.
Am I happy?
No. Demons are coming all over again.
The voices are getting to me.
They’re going to take control over me.
Things are getting worse each time.
It’s like I’m in the middle of a tug war.
I don’t have anyone, and everyone has me.
I’m always there for people but they’re
Not always there for me.

It’s 4:00 and I haven’t been able to sleep.
Am I happy?
No. I feel alone. Loneliness.
It’s empowering itself through my bones
and all the way through my brain.
Taking control over me, as if I was no victim.
I have no friends, no one to talk to.
I have to deal with my own drama and
I just can’t. I want to sink in my bed.
Let the dreams sink me in for I
Have nothing to live for.
All of this is happening, yet I go around the
halls with the bright smile on my face.
Pretending like everything’s okay when
It’s actually all a ******* mess.

It’s 6:00 and I haven’t slept a bit.
Am I happy?
No.No.No.No.
The same answer over and over.
Thinking about the same nightmares.
Dreaming about what will never truly happen.
I have bags around my eyes, but no one notices.
I try to cover it with make-up, and everyone
Believes the dark fantasy of ‘okay’ being the truth.

It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.
Am I happy?
Idek.
I’ve learned a **** lot of lessons,
Yet not one of them seem to help me tbh.
I give them to whom I call my “friends”
And I use myself as an example of being the best
And the one who suffered but already got better and is ready
To experience life 100%.
But really, is it true?
It’s all BS tbh that comes out of my mouth for trying to
Help others.
*** is wrong with me?
Who am I fooling?
Me and only me.
You’ve got to understand you have 0 friends.
No one likes you. You’re a loser to the left.
You’ve got NO ONE.


And that right there, were my demons talking.
Now you get how I feel when they come?
Yeah that’s what I thought.
No one will probably ever read this,
Because as I wrote up there,
I have no one so nobody will be ever
Interested in what I feel.
But however I write it. To feel accomplished.
To feel like I’m talking to someone when I am
Actually talking to nobody. I did this just to let it all out.
And honestly it feels good.

Camila. C-A-M-I-L-A.
When I hear those words,
It’s like I’m listening to a broken glass.
I think of myself as if I were the only Camila
Out there. As if I’m the only lonely
Person in this world who has the desire
To just die.

I take a deep breath, and let it out.
I take another one, do the same.
I do that to relief the pain, stress
And anxiety.
But really, is it helpful enough to make
Those powerful things go away?
Don’t think so.

I try to ride. I try to listen.
I try to do my best. I try to be the best in everything.
Best friend, best student, best counselor etc.
I try to be done riding this rollercoaster
That only goes down.
I try to make the best out of every moment.
But they just end like everything I do,
****** up.

Demons are real,
Ghosts are too.
They live inside each of us,
And destroy what makes us happy too.
Forever they live and live,
Without thinking about leaving.
They think about winning,
For they have nothing to fear of
And they know how to take
Control of our minds.

They make us fear death,
They make us fear love,
They make us feel worthless,
And nothing can win against thus.
Even though they are capable
Of such things, and they are
What we fear the most,
They are what we hang on until
Death takes power of us.