today i spilled the clorox
all over the linoleum tiles
and
i don't know why it matters
so much suddenly

that i'm alone
even just for a moment,
but even then i feel
alone for eternity

and the songs sound sadder
when you're sadder

but how can i be sadder when
there is nothing to be sad about,
at least not in my world?

mom says to stop letting myself
feel the pain of the world around me
because if i let it
seep into my mind,
into my being,
into my everything,
i will be too leaden to stand

You know, I'm never sadder than those moments I realize how much I miss you.

And at first those moments came frequently and without delay but the pain they brought was simple. Dull; an ache.

But how as time crept slowly, the moments so frequent would come intermittently when I was most vulnerable.

But that dull ache was replaced with a deeper longing and a pain I couldn't shake. And it would stay with me for days and haunt my fevered sleep with memories I just wished would go away.

But I fear if they were to stop, I would lose all sense of self.

I already write so sparingly.

So please, just spare me the impertinence of soliloquy, that indecent exposé.

i was fine
until i remembered you
and i dont want you back
i just want the past to be my present
and live forever in your room
each day be the same as the last
just you
just me
surrounded by empty cans
listening to that one band
all it took was one smell
a reminder of when days were clearer
and my mind didnt blur
and i may have been sad
but who'd have known i'd be sadder
the days are getting shorter
i dont care
i care to much
i dont want to die
i want to have never existed