i knew it was there.

i knew that you loved me. i knew it from the way you excessively laugh at my jokes, and the way you trust me with your problems.

i knew you felt us.

i knew that you wanted me. i knew it from the way you screamed when i scared you with ghosts and the way you care about me when your friends told me about how unsensitive you were with them.

i knew it but i thought it was only me.*

but sadly, it's all in past tense.

i
  don't
    bother
      explaining
         myself
        to
      you
    because
   i
could
   definitely
     live
      without
        you












                          ­     maybe

it took you less than a second to feel how cold my heart was.

i told you.

i told you that my heart had freezed because of the strong winds of my past, and the abundance amount of broken vials of love potions i drank, and the stiffness and sting of the darkness i lived in.

i told you that this icy heart could freeze anyone else's heart too, infectious it had been. it tends to demand revenge out of its misery, and those who are unlucky to hold it in their very skin will suffer of the same pain.

i told you that you can't cure me, even when you stayed up nights to make me a love potion, trust me you're not the first one. you're not the first one to try and make it melt because others have tried to and failed miserably.

now hand over my heart before it infects you too.

it was 3 a.m. and i'm gazing into the open sky
into the darkness that lies ahead.

it was black , obviously (or was it grey?)
it was black but it wasn't evil or anywhere near it.

i was happy
because it was only me and the open sky
the fresh night air
and the stars, never to forget the lovely moon.

the scene changed

i was drowning in the open sea
nobody knew i was out here
i took this risk alone
and i know i might die of hypothermia here.

it was 3 a.m. and there's this
roller-coaster of emotions i felt
this vigorous scenes changing
and constantly fading.

9.00 a.m.
it took me 6 hours later
to realize that the stars i was staring at
actually they were your eyes.

and the ocean i'm drowning in
was your cold, stiff embrace.

lately, it's hard for me to breathe. i don't know why, maybe it's just a flu or maybe i'm starting to miss you, again. i hope the second possibility is not true, because my body can't handle it anymore. last time this happened, i nearly lost my mind. and i hope that i will not lose the remaining pieces of myself. i'm not ready to suffer again. i need some air.

they gave me one last chance to decide. they have been fighting with other since 17 years ago, the day i was born. and now they want me to choose one side. it all started because of you, once they saw you they immediately agree with each other on one thing; all three of us needed you. your smile made us melt, your laugh made their arguments fell, your voice alone forced them to shake hands and demand truce. the best part was they even committed ideas to me on how to steal your heart. everything was going well between these two kingdoms, and their peace made me happy too.

but then you left. the war started again, in a much bigger scale. they tried to call for truce for a few times but everything went wrong without you. they ended up hurting me, and what i can only do was to sit still and feel everything. i went down, your absence did hurt me as they started to blame me for losing you. i started to lose control, and they scrambled with each other to try and control me, forcefully. i never liked my heart's decisions, and my brain's also stupid. it almost felt like i had two uncontrollable hearts. since you left, everything i did went wrong and ended up hurting all of us again and again.

one day, i woke up after passing out of tiring and exhausting nights thinking about how to make them at peace again. they were silent that day and that made me feel weird. no arguments heard, and my head's not spinning as usual. i came knocking at my brain's door and i found him sitting on a dark corner, crying. he told me he gave up, he couldn't take it anymore. after i walked out of his house, he slammed the door behind me, and so i went to see my heart. as i thought, he gave up as well. i went back home, not knowing what to feel.

one day, they came knocking at my door, asking me to side with one of them for once and forever. i refused, as i don't know what to reply or what to feel. they left, and after a few moments i heard another knock at my door and i opened the door.

*"do you have a place for me to stay? my name's emptiness."

My mind is currently empty but I wanna write something about you, even when right now I'm not with you. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I never really believed in God's plans before but I've decided to let you go; out of my sight and out of my mind. I've tried to make memories with you. I've always stuck with 'if it's meant to be, it will be' and also 'if you want someone, make effort' and they confuse the hell outta me. Should I proceed, or should I stay back? I've asked myself that question for so many times I got bored of myself trying to get the answer. Now, I've decided to stay back. I will continue loving you, and I will always remember you, as I can't unlove you or forget you anyway. I have decided to believe in His miracles, even though I was never a saint before or now. I hope writing this makes me calmer, and forgive myself for doing this. If He decides that we can't be together, I'll accept that reality because reality always hurts anyway. I will continue to remember that no matter how eternal my love for you, God's the only thing that can separate us.