I want you to point at me and tell me that I'm the one you'll love forever and ever. I need you to kiss my lips and tell me how wonderful you think I am because after months of working on myself, I still won't believe it.

I want to tell you that you're the only boy that's been running through my mind since I've been across the country. I want you to wait for me, I want you to tell everyone that you have a girl waiting for you in a sunny state, a few thousand miles away. I adore you.
I love your laugh, your look, your glare, your anger, your body, your salt, your sweet, your kind, your fear, I can look at you from any angle, love. I swear it.

I remember when I wanted to marry you.
I remember when I looked at you and only saw a feeling, just love.
I want to give you every cloud you see in your daddy's airplane, I want to give you every toddlers' wish when they blow out their birthday candles. I wanted to, but I couldn't even breathe on my own, and I want to, but that's no longer my job.
You're happy now, and I'm getting there. I'm so glad, I'm so ******* glad.

i liked it that you kissed me once more than tyler did before you left.

i remember holding your hand in the hallway
and kissing your nose
and meeting your dad
and thinking we were going to be together forever
and that meant
nothing
to you

but if you came back, and said sorry, and asked
i would take you back in a ******* heartbeat
because i just love you

i stopped doing drugs because you were the only thing that made me high
now we're just fiction
your mouth is stained on my cheeks, still echoed with a sad goodbye
we're out with the garbage you so angrily tossed
and you're drinking wine
and i'm still lost

I wish that it was easier to say that I knew who you were at some point, but I don't now.
Does that **** me? I'm not sure, but I always find myself dreaming about your eyes and mouth and words spat with fire.

there was something there, something in those eyes.
i think there was a spark, like my birthday candles, i licked my fingers and it extinguished in my index finger and thumb.

And I'm sorry I thought it was safe to love you.

YOU DO NOT GET TO WRITE ABOUT ME
YOU DO NOT GET TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE YOUR WOUNDS DIDNT JUST LEAVES SCARS BUT STITCHES
YOU FIGURE OUT HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON WITHOUT YOU
YOU FIGURE OUT HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH YOUR FINGERS WRAPPED AROUND MY NECK

you hurt me everyday and yet i'm supposed to forgive?

Tana,

I got sad again, and if I was like everyone else, I would blame you for it.
I care too much to say that it's your fault, maybe I like you.
I wish Maddi and I could just move out and not deal with other people and we'd be happy.

I fell again in more ways than one; I fell in love with you, I fell in love with who you are.
I fell into my sadness, shrinking into my body, confused and disoriented.
I wish I could hate you and then kiss you and make love to you all in the same night, then leave you and not speak to you for a couple weeks.
I wish I could feel shame and sorrow and then, call you up and say I was sorry really half-assed and you'd forgive me like I did.
I wish I could blow cigarette smoke in your face like the regulars at work do to me, with their slack-jawed minds and gas station lighters.
I wish I could treat you like a toy, but I can't and I won't, because I know that when you're sad, you'll call me and I'll feel bad if I treat you like you're unimportant.

We talked at three am every night, even when I was too tired, even when I was sad, even when it felt like no one could love me; you did.
You say stupid ***, late night confessionaries as though I'm your priest and your lover. So I tell you it's okay, and you keep talking about our secrets undiscovered.

I cried all last night
Because I'll never ever be able to give you what you need
You don't need to **** with me
You don't need to change
I'm too flawed to drag you with me

Don't tell me that I'm not ******* up because I totally am and I love you but I don't think I can give you the things they you need, maybe what you need us more driven, less tired, less sad, less indecisive. Not such a ******* mess. I'm so ******* sorry.

You are the day's light, you will always be mine, respectively.

when you smile, i get butterflies
when you laugh, fireflies

dear young soul,
blooming flower,
lighthearted joke,
happy child

keep your chin up,
keep your heartbeat steady even when the ones you adore kiss you
keep your head on even when you're raging
keep the slack on your leash long
keep the smile on your face wide
and don't stop to think you're something small
even when you follow, your movement makes the tide echo

I promise that I could never be
exactly the way you want
but I swear to God, I'll try
because you're the light
and love of my life

they said there was a girl they knew
with a cigarette between her smile
and flowers between her hair

and i knew, i didn't have to even think—
it was me.

Remember the day you were happy because the scars faded.

I think you're the best thing.

As you trace your fingers over the rips in my jeans, I
think about the things that made me love you at first and I
wasn't too sure about who I
was and it gets so hard sometimes to figure myself out and I
am so sorry if I
hurt you, but bruises don't heal quickly on me and I
saw his scars today and I
couldn't breathe for a minute because he was so close and I
hope he's okay and I
hope you still love me and I
hope I
can finally myself out

Nothing is making sense anymore. I feel like I'm writing the same thing;
over and
over and
over and
over again.

I don't think our love could ever be rekindled because it's always so fleeting
These feelings and missing and wanting and loving and hoping for something
better to happen, but

I miss you like the grass misses the rain and the boy across the street misses his drugs and like my best friend misses the love she shared with a boy who couldn't figure himself out.

I miss you like the deaf miss music and blind miss sunsets
I miss your smile and your laugh and your hands and your hair,
even when I poke fun at it.
I wish I wasn't so harsh to you sometimes because really, I'm trying my best to be tough so I don't melt into your arms when I see you because
I'm that scared.

I miss arguing with you like a brother and talking with you like a counselor and loving you like you were the only one left.
Sometimes, I miss just talking to you. Just the sound of your voice or how you used to defend me and tell me you love me and you don't anymore.
You don't do any of that and you wonder why we don't go for coffee 24/7 anymore.
I miss going out for coffee, 24/7.
I miss everything that happened and I wish I could take it all back because I swear to God, if there was one person I felt was meant for me in this whole world,
it would be you.

I have adored you since the first day I saw you, with your hair redder than a sunset.
I didn't know your name, your age, even your grade, but you were so intriguing and from that moment on, I saw beauty in a different light.
So when the other girls said they loved you, I let them.
I let their words wash over me knowing that I could never be girl that you would choose first, why would you?
When those girls touch you, I hope you get butterflies and smile and feel good about yourself because you're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're infinite.
When she touches you on the dance floor and you don't smile, push her away, slap her in the face, tell her that you do not want her.
When you shine on that dance floor like radiance and hope and new sunshine, keep shining.
Don't ever lose that light.

Don't ever let some ***** sell you a bundle of beautiful words.
They may say romantic pick up lines, but sometimes it's been woven with lies.
In the end, the kids that tell you the prettiest words and make you feel like a movie worth watching are the biggest liars.
The good ones are hiding and saying the true words to themselves in the bathroom mirror, the ones that say it to your face are those that don't really get you...
Worst part is, they don't even try.

you are a diamond and there is a speck of eyeliner winged out and smudged on your cheekbone.
even diamonds have flaws.

we are driving down a narrow highway onto a bridge and you snort when you laugh. i'm dreaming because i don't think real life has an 8mm film reel collecting all the times we felt like we were flying. when we felt like we were in a movie and we were heroes. we were royalty and when you smile, it feels like heaven. it feels like all the gold in the world has been poured into my veins, it feels like good drugs and good friends and a good life.

i have sunglasses on my face and a thin tan line on my shoulder blade and your freckles dot your eyes more than any alphabet, a play on words, witty banter, your solid, subtle smile with parentheses near your cheeks.

when i think of you, i think of cherry chapstick, a whole pizza to ourselves, and your glasses. i think of hope and fate and destiny and love, not the kind of love we hear thrown around during friday night football, but the kind of love that doesn't burn out. the kind of love that resembles crystal and fun times and the things that quiet poets write about after they drink ***** for the first time. the love that keeps its infinities hidden under its sleeves, like the pen ink on your arms under your sweater.

i think of flowers and cigarettes and laughing and smoking and crossing everything off of our bucket lists, running to little rivers and giving new life to old constellations, telling prophets our stories; we became royalty, we became the night that our friends dreamed of.

maybe it's crazy how
two people can come together
and leave
and then come together again
just by coincidence

the girl
that found
herself in
your eyes
has left
you in
the dust.

the girl
who said
she thought
she couldn't
love one
has left
for you
for herself.

the girl
has not
cried nor
will she
because she's
strong and
cares more
about herself
than you.

I wrote everything in orange ink.
I wrote our names in the margins of my notebooks
and I have dreamed of our futures.
I wrote of our wild times, kissing strange boys,
making wild jokes, falling for boys we were ashamed of,
our cigarette eyes, and ***.
I wrote it in orange ink,
"Life is wild."

Your arms wrap around my body almost as though they were meant for each other
But listen, listen to the sounds of the stars and the hum of the crickets and the echo when I tell you this isn't something I want to run into
I don't want to feel so empty, but the feeling of nothing in me has become so pleasing
Hence why I've stopped eating
Hence why I've stopped dreaming
Hence why I've stopped believing and
I love the smell of your cologne on the inside of my shirt and
I feel so much pride when you do something right, but
I have a reputation for falling for fuckboys and
I have a reputation for breaking their hearts as much
as they've broken mine

sometimes, i think of the things we dream of in the night time
and hope for them to become realities in the day time.

we slept to drugs and loud music
hopping in cars, drinking beers, cutting our hair
with stick and poke tattoos that faded and
lips that's touched each other's and the taste
of salt from tears and she's a sunset,
she's the greeting to the moon coming home
she's the safety and comfort of a lover and
the anger and hope of a parent

we fell to soft, kind boys at the same time
with bandaged hearts and arms holding to
each other for strength and love
with big ideas and dreams and
stars in our eyes to match and
i am the sunrise, the kiss goodbye when
he leaves for work or school or for
another woman and i am the joy of a
child for exciting news and warmth of a
mother for devastation and we're full of
so much love.

she the waxing moon and i, waning
and we compliment each other to make
one big light that floods the ground with
sparkles in our energy

I've drank until my stomach hurt, bought flowers for funerals, slept in hospital beds, kissed sad girls happy.
I've filled my lungs to brim with smoke and decay, fallen for ugly hearts, walked home barefoot with heels in my hand, had so many loves.
He has something unlike any other, with his ***** hands and bright brown eyes and dark blonde hair. Like a flower in the midst of a rainstorm or a suit or the kind of boy you would adore in movies and go to bed dreaming about and be sad that you couldn't find him anywhere around here.
He's the only one that's made me feel secure with one person.

She is not weak, she is not fragile.
She is the wind before the storm, she is the tide before the wave.
Respect the girl with lightning in her palms and tsunamis in her veins.
She is as precise and delicate as the details in her eyes, she is as deadly as the weather she causes.

lips intertwined, i really like you

YOU ARE THE BEAUTY OF THE SUNRISE
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF A CHILD
YOU ARE THE RESISTANCE OF A WARRIOR
YOU ARE THE DELICACY OF A FLOWER

wonder came to my name like fairy dust
like sparkle
like the reflection of christmas lights shining through my grandmother's hospital window
she said i was an angel
it didn't change that she was a sinner
sadness has not left me since
like deep confusion
like taking other people's drugs and still waking up
like the boy that wanted every thing i had
he said my eyes were galaxies
he could never completely figure me out
dark rings around my eyes like jupiter and
smoke rings around my head because she was right
this is my halo
with eyes like galaxies and mouth like tinsel
with hair like sun rays and heart like falling
with a mind that has gotten me far
bruises on my body like kisses and
scars on my legs because he was right
this is my galaxy
with eyes like oblivion and mouth like wisdom
with hair like comfort and being like extraterrestrial
with a mind has gotten me far