I don’t recognize myself anymore, I’m like a stranger in unfamiliar skin.

My aura has changed and I feel quite scary, like I was replaced with someone new.

I gave all of myself to people who didn’t deserve it.

I’m there for people who don’t deserve it.

I’d find a way to climb up into the sky to grab the stars if they asked.

I climbed into the sky and grabbed the moon when they asked.

I did and did and did.

I do and do and do.

I gave the best parts of myself to people who hurt me.

I give all the parts of myself to people who hurt me.

I don’t recognize myself anymore, I’m like a stranger in unfamiliar skin.

I’m sad and I can’t feel the sad because I am numb.

I gave and gave and gave and now I am a shell.

A hollow shell in the sand that keeps getting tossed back and forth by the waves.  

Maybe one day I’ll learn.

Maybe things will change.

Maybe they won’t.

Maybe I just like the pain.

Since I was a child, I’ve been used to disappointment.

I’ve been used to broken promises, getting my
hopes up.

Always let down easy.

Used to people leaving.

Everybody hurts some way somehow.

You didn’t give a **** about me, but you really had me thinking you gave a **** about me.

Dug yourself into my guts and made yourself at home.

When I was crying all you did was leave me alone, wouldn’t even answer when I’d text your phone.

I slammed your car door and walked up the block and you still didn’t give a ****.

I sat on the ground, on the cold cement with my face in my hands after you told me all the lies you hid.

I said goodbye to you for the last time, walked around the neighborhood yelling aloud to nobody and nothing.

Got home an hour later and abused the skin of my leg with whatever I could find.

Blood dripping from my skin and you still didn’t give a ****.

You never gave a ****.

This beer in my throat,

colder than my ex’s heart,

while I lay strung out in a new lovers

arms.

I’ve been rooted with depression since I was born.

I never knew what it was, but I could feel the sadness and shame engulf my small body every time I heard that voice.

My dad, a shadow I occasionally saw on the walls, always fading down the hall.

Mom, trying to keep it all together for two girls she’d struggle to raise on her own.

The lies we were spoon fed about our father before we could even talk.

The mental and emotional abuse of the years that would follow from the person who raised me.

Afraid to be true to myself because I was told that everything I did was wrong, that I was dumb.

Asking questions I felt were important to me because anxiety and ocd rooted their way into my body before I was even a teen.

Learning to mask my feelings and emotions from that voice because I didn’t want to feel like there was something wrong with me.

I didn’t want you to see that there was something wrong with me.

It doesn't take back all the unforgiving words I've said, while I stand beneath the scorching water of the shower head.

Gentle kisses to my skin, a sting that feeds my adrenaline.

I'm just a stupid moth being drawn to the flame.

I get hurt, yet I still play the game.

She uses me and makes me feel empty.

I'm living in the carved out body of the person I used to be.

The mask I wear perceives the illusion that I am happy.

The loneliest I've ever felt when I hold her body in my hand.

Every night, she lures me into her trap like quicksand.

And I bleed for her again.

I've come to terms and accepted that I will never be okay.

I've tried to dismiss every harsh word my mouth begins to say.

The screams and words that my brain bleeds convinces me to hurt.

He thinks that I'm unhappy, that his love can save me.

But he doesn’t know about all the nights I spend in agony.

He doesn’t know how many nights I cry to the unforgiven moon.

Insomnia, a sharp pinch upon my dreams while she rocks me harshly to sleep.

Her lullaby’s the sound of my fast heartbeat.

Anxiety doesn’t go away even after we’re asleep.

She robs me of my dreams and takes me to a place I’ve seen too many times.

She lies and she disguises her lies with whys.

She blames and she shames until I’m convinced that she is right.

Day after day, I give in to her games and she wins every time.

She takes me out to the deep end knowing I want to die.

Yet I kick my arms and legs.


And swim.

self harm is only washing your hands with cold water

crossing the street without looking for cars

touching hot pans because you want them to burn

staying up late and depriving yourself of sleep because you don’t deserve it

self harm is hearing you say violent things to me and not caring

because I deserve to hear them and I believe you when you say them

infinite
infinite black
infinite red

red seeping from the wound that covers my skin

my heart beats to the lifeless sting

sting
hurt
sad

you left me

nothing
betrayal
regret

infinite and nothing

Snoozing the alarm clocks hit the highest record today, congratulations.

We got out of bed after the sixth one went off, then continued to lay in bed until the seventh one blared through.

We opened the blinds at two in the afternoon.

We went downstairs and didn't eat until 4pm, congratulations it's practically dinner time.

Our anxious hands spilt the coffee we carried into the living room because we only got five hours of sleep.

We spent the whole evening completing six chores because we had no energy to get up from the floor.

Our night consisted of us hiding away in our bedroom until insomnia washed over us and rocked us harshly to sleep yet another night.

Congratulations.

Get a job says every family member or friend I've ever had.

Get a job says depression, mocking me and taunting me while holding the words my family said to me over my head.

Get a job says mom at 7pm when she walks in the door from work, not even asking me how my day was.

Stop being lazy and sitting around all day, it's time to grow up.

Mom, I'm trying to explain to you what it's like to wake up at 10 and lay there in bed until 12:30.

I'm trying to make you comprehend what it's like to eat your first meal of the day at 4 in the afternoon when it should've been at morning.

Half the time I eat just to make you not see how broken I am, to pretend to be someone I really never was or am.

Mom, I eat my feelings because I'm too afraid to say them and all that food is just me trying to fill in the holes anxiety left when she tore through me.

Mom, I'm not lazy!

I'm exhausted and embarrassed and I've carried this shame and guilt and blame for as long as I can remember.

My brain is wound up in chains and soon nothing will remain

Mom do you understand?

I'm a stranger living in the skin of my own body, just a lifeless ghost smiling and making appearances to please everybody.

Mom, I'm tired.

His emotions were like the ocean, so vast and deep, and full of words unspoken.

He confessed to me all his sins and converted to an emotional, selfish machine: so violent, yet completely fulfilled of utter purpose.

I listened to him and his story, then instantly hated myself because I couldn't cure the brokenness or unleash the glory his soul once possessed.

His voice was so full of anger and sadness, distinct with the fear that he would not be able to survive this raging storm on his own.

I told him that I loved him and took him away from the place he once called a home.

He was always impatiently searching for a place he had never known, hoping that someday he wouldn't have to constantly live in the unknown.

His lips soon spoke the four words I never quite wished his voice would ever intone, while also pleading and begging me to not leave him on his own.

He sat down and told me his problems and I listened to the voice of someone I thought I knew.

After the pleading and gasping of breath, he told me he had no ounce of energy left.

Soon fate circumvented much to his relief and a sharp blade gently kissed the skin under his sleeve, but death wasn't ready to take him under his wing.

He was sent back to a place where the pain would subside to a sting.

He was practically forced to jump back on his feet and stop bargaining for less time with his grief.

I'm sorry and I promise that I will try to help you find some peace, but if you go down, I go with you.

How's that for release?

This constant checking, constant inspecting of every inch of my workspace, every inch of my home.

These demons in my head can't seem to leave me alone and I convinced myself that everything will never be okay.

I guess when you're living in hell, it's the price you have to pay.

It's just never ending and I'm so sick of overthinking.

I'm almost positive by now my brain is shrinking.

I barely eat anymore and I can't seem to ever sleep.

This blurry part of me is something I guess I'll always have to keep.

You said you could handle it and that you could help me, but darling you can't even help yourself let alone set my demons free.

I put my heart in your hands and trusted you with it, but that was like placing scissors in the hand of a curious child and expecting them to remit.

You tried so hard to always soothe me of my own pain.

You tried so hard to make my burdens yours and withdraw them all away.

I'm realizing now that if I were normal, maybe you would have stayed and it took me so long to collect my ghost back into my body, to restart this lifeless heart you handed back to 'just somebody.'

My dear, you never quite stopped all the screaming.

Things have gotten much worse since you ended my dreaming.

I chose to believe that you were everything to me, but you didn't truly see what you meant to me.

I answered to you, all your beckons and calls, you were simply a ghost that lived in my walls.

I put you before everyone, even myself while you left me always sitting on the dusty shelf.

You said I was your everything and could never be replaced, yet I've seen you with a new girl that clearly took my place.

You told me you loved me and that you would never leave and your lies were so transparent for everyone but me to see.

I still can't believe I thought we were truly meant to be.

I thought I saw a home in your arms and a future with you by my side, but I'm grateful now I no longer have to hide.

Because you made me feel nervous and scared to be myself.

I always feared you'd leave me for someone else, but I guess you read right through my mind because you decided to search for another find, and when you left I didn't even cry because I didn't have to hear anymore lies.

I hope that you're happy with her, she now gets to see what a mess you truly are and I really hope she does the same to you.

I hope she breaks your heart and destroys your trust and turns your relationship from gold to dust.

I hope she leaves your *** for someone new and you lay there for months going over the lies in your head you never knew, and you wonder what you did wrong and why it had to be you.

I hope you see her in the arms of another and memories flash through your mind of when we were together, and realization hits you and you and you know why it had to be you

Because you meant everything to me and I loved you too, and you left me for her and didn't feel a thing, but she did the same to you and made you feel everything.

S l e e p

 It seems like an easy thing to do, a natural thing that the body must do yet I lie awake and ask myself why my brain won't turn off and sleep.

A million wires lie unplugged, tangled around like a ball of yarn, twisting around every inch of my brain driving me insane.

Phrases repeating inside my head like a broken record- 'did I turn this off? yes.' 'did I shut this? yes.' 'did I do this? yes' 'did I remember this? yes'

I stare at the light switch and question whether I've turned it off when I know I just did six times before.

I stare at the fans and the stove and the door and the windows and check if they're off or shut even though I've checked it too much.

My brain rings and rings like a phone that just won't stop, some days I'm so tempted to just make it stop.

I run and I hide.

I lie and I cry.

I avoid all the why's.

I get knocked down every time by this god forsaken tide.

I feel so broken and so paper thin.

I wish I had the mentality to feel even a tiny sting.

These blades they lie and shout evil things.

I want to run away to you but I lost my wings.

Now the devil hangs on my shoulder and tells me to do evil things.

Darkness and despair infiltrate my blood and cloud my mind.

I realize now they brought me something I didn't know I was trying to find.

So sleep deprived, yet I still can't seem to sleep.

Thoughts about you and I course through my veins and wash over me.

Memories flood my eyes, provoking tears to stain my cheeks.

This distance.

This heartache.

Plummeting me into the ground.

Stabbing at my heart with vicious intentions.

I think I loved him before we even met.

I think I knew him before our eyes spotted each other.

In another lifetime possibly or perhaps just destiny bringing us happiness at last.



I think we are soulmates.

I think we were brought together for a reason.

In this lifetime, perhaps it might not be long enough, for no time with you could ever be enough.

All of his things still sit where he left them the day that he left.

His button down shirt neatly folded on the top of my dresser.

I can never get myself to wear it because it smells like him and I'm afraid it'll lose its scent.

I can't use his shower gel anymore because what once was a happy smell now makes me cry.

I miss him every single day and every single night has ended with me crying.

I need him to come back.

Life is harder without him.

He awoke to find her missing from the left side of the bed, worry taking over him as he quickly got up. his head spinning because he was half asleep.

He saw the bright light emitting from beneath the bathroom door then heard loud clanking before quiet tears began to fill the sound of the hall.

His brows knit in stress, anxiously gripping the door **** and fiercely twisting it with hopes it would open, but to his dismay it was locked.

His fists had a mind of their own as they began to pound on the bathroom door, tears streaming down his face because this was a night he had lived a couple times before.

His voice raspy from all his tears and lack of breath screamed out for her to let him in, to stop what she was doing, and listen to him.

She sat naked on the floor of the bathroom thinking about everything like she always did, thoughts racing through her mind so fast, even coursing through her blood.

Looking down at every single insecurity, every single thing she hated about herself and her body, wanting so badly to see what he loved about her and these things.

She held the scissors to her thigh, the ones she had managed to find, the ones that he had hid on her after all the other times.

Tears streaming down her face hearing him outside, her hands shaking from how hurt and betrayed his screams sounded, how loud his fists were pounding.

She took the first sharp slit across her skin then took another two, tears continuing to well in her eyes as the blood began to seep down along her knee.

She filled the bath tub with cold water and shook as she got into it, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them as she cried.

The freezing water was a way to punish herself for what she had done to herself, but mostly for what she had done to him once again after she promised last time was it.

He kept pounding at the door, getting angrier and angrier at the uncertainty of what she was doing to herself, if he was going to lose her once more.

He kicked at it hard with his bare foot, wincing in pain as he punched at the same time, the door soon giving way from all the force and falling loose from its frame.

Relief filled his whole body as he quickly pushed through, nearly stepping on the bloodied scissors lying on the floor.

His eyes still tear filled saw her shaking in the bath tub, running to her before engulfing his arms around her freezing cold body and grabbing a towel to get some blood flow back to her body.

Her lips were purple, her skin covered in goosebumps, her arms wrapped around his neck as she cried into his chest.

His breathing quickened when he saw the fresh cuts on her thighs, still red with blood.

He sat down on the floor where she had sat a couple minutes before and rocked her in his arms, protectively holding her and keeping her warm.

He kissed her all over her face before running his finger over the skin of her thigh, putting bandaids over her cuts before telling her how much he loved her and how worried he had been.

He told her how he couldn't lose her and that he loved everything she couldn't see, then carried her back to bed where she would be safe and warm in his embrace.

Another night he had saved her.

Another night he had almost lost her.

Another night he'd be up worrying and wondering what he would ever do without her and why he couldn't help her.

Please come here, come back to me, and lay with me beneath these sheets.

Soothe me from these scary thoughts and bring peace to my sanity.

You feel even further away from me and I need you to help me breathe.

You are my home and I'm homesick because you're a thousand miles away.

Praying that Santa has you sat in the back of his sleigh to bring me joy on Christmas Day.

All I want this year is you.

For you are the only thing I have in my life that is true.

You went away after you punched a hole in the bathroom wall of our apartment; after you harbored all of your aggression into the plaster, and felt it best to leave us all behind.

We were small and unaware that you weren't coming back; fixated on the distractions given to us to keep us in our fantasy lands.

Zero phone calls or messages left on the machine for us to listen to; to soothe the brokenness we felt in our small hearts and to ease the confusion that filled our wandering minds.  

Tears and dark nights of continuous pleads and questions to her about you; why you left us and if it was something we did, if we pushed you.

Never seeing you until we were older; anger and resentment clouding our visions, hating you for what you did, and for what you didn't do.

So many unanswered questions and tear stained pillow cases because we needed to be needed by you; we needed you to be our father.

These invisible demons are destroying my life one by one, unraveling everything I am, and turning me into something I never wanted to become.

Blood that emitted from my paining heart left unwanted stains on my favorite white dress.

Loving you made me feel broken and it made me feel weak, and I always put you first, always before me.

You took it upon yourself to undo every stitch I had sewed to keep every last bit of my sanity contained.

I should have ran away the second I heard your name and I shouldn't have taken part in every one of your mind games.

Yet through it all, you still meant everything to me because I didn't truly see in you what everyone wanted me to believe.

The knife you stabbed me in the back with turned out to be a comfortable fit and it was persuasive enough to convince me to leave.

You gave me
panic attacks
and I called it
love

Crying all night because I hate everything that I am and everybody says you can talk to them, but nobody ever really gives a ****.

I felt guilty for lying so I confessed to him everything I had done these past days and he said he didn't understand, that he didn't know what to say.

He made me promise I would stop inflicting pain on my skin and I told him I would try and I attempted to give in.

I did not want to hurt him, but these voices in my head, they tell me that I'm not good enough and I can't put them to bed.

I'm realizing now that I'm just left with this ugly, scarred skin and I am scared that he won't love me the same amount or way he always did.

How could he love me, a girl with scars and how could he want me as much as he did before it all got this far.

I stopped feeling at home a long time ago when I realized that home wasn't a place. It was a pair of two arms and a beating heart.

I am self destructive when I carve stories on my legs.

Just a violent, selfish machine running strictly on no sleep.

My world is burning down around me like a house soaked in kerosene.

Yet I will go on and manage to conceal each and every scream.

I would say winter wasn't my month but then again neither was summer, fall, or spring.

Your voice shattered and shook me, tore my trust in two, and destroyed the life I thought I had knew.

The smoke from your cigarettes penetrated my lungs, soiled my skin, and instilled disgust.

I fell like ashes at your feet while the words you said to me filled my brain and my heart.

Your skin once home to a person I used to love, now disguising a man I can no longer trust.

Hiding behind your lack of values and bad decisions, blaming me for everything you never did.

I will not be knocked down or discouraged and I will not fight this war you have started.

We may share the same blood, but I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be you.

Please wake up, comfort me, and keep me safe from all these bad dreams.

It's hard to sleep beneath these sheets and I could really use some company.

You're a thousand miles away from me, all the way across the sea, and I can barely breathe knowing you can't save me.

I haven't gotten any sleep, yet you manage to dream so peacefully.

Please wake up and rescue me.

He is without a doubt
my favorite today and
certainly my most
purposeful tomorrow.

Loving him is timeless,
but being his is everything..

He is poignant daydreams and stains on my favorite white dress.

"I'll manage to keep my flowers watered and alive for yet another day.."

"You be the water, I'll be the vase."

Loving you was like being thrown in a war I did not enlist into.

But if I could go back, I'd still choose you.

I would find you and fight for you, love you a little longer and a whole lot more.

Missing you comes
in violent waves,
shades of vibrant
blues, and broken
down déjà vu's.

You drift in and out of my mind all the time like blurry, psychedelic day dreams.

Shaking you out of my veins is impossible when you've spiked my blood like a drug.

I want to play with your hair and trace the outline of your nose and lips.

Then draw slow shapes on your chest and shoulders with my finger tips.

My skin feels so lonely
without your lips pressed to it
and your love is like the ocean,
but I never mentioned I can't swim.

I'm trying to kick my legs,
but I'm getting washed away
and the distance just grows
between us.

I missed you so much,
even the sky began to cry
when the wind whispered
your name.

She traveled all over the world,
never truly finding a place free enough to call home.

She was not looking for a destination,
but instead a pair of two warm arms
and a beating heart.

He wears moonlight like he owns it,

like he is married to the moon.

The night sky builds itself around him;

Constellations appear like watercolors in his blue eyes.

When I look to the sky, he's a shooting star.

One second he's there and the next he's gone.

His blue eyes, only ever on her, protecting her with just his gaze.

Her eyes always looking away from his, knowing she could give into him so easily.

They were in love, you could see it written all over their faces.

When she looked at him, her eyes were so green, they could turn carbon dioxide into oxygen.

For you I would move mountains and ask the stars to come out to paint the black canvas that is the night sky.

I would sing you every song in my collection yet, still I would feel tempted to write you your very own lullaby.

It's you, the ship sailing in my murky waters that calms my uneasy shore and halts the distant, sharp rising tide.

I can't breathe and
you fell asleep on me.

While I'm freaking out in bed,
you're across the sea,
calm beneath your own sheets.

Waves of overwhelming thoughts are washing over me and all I want is to dream.

Please teach me how to sleep
because I can't take another second of this agony.

I wish you were here to reassure me and bring me peace
because in your presence my demons are set free.

Please wake up and
comfort me..

I know I'm clingy..
but I can't help but need you with me.

Save me from this dark abyss with one kiss from your comforting lips
and rescue me from the monsters that have embedded into my mind.

We met eleven months ago and it still feels like just yesterday I saw you and my words began to slur.

Your eyes enticed me from the start and I was caught in a moment that felt like one quick, rapid blur.

A giant wave fulfilled of calming ecstasy washed over me from the events that began to occur.

Your actions were so effortless and intricately laced with utter purpose, it was impossible to deter.

Still to this day my heart only beats for you and there is nobody else in the world who I would ever prefer.

Dreaming of you when I am wide awake and thinking about how your skin glows when the sun peeks through your blinds makes my heart ache.

Fixated and hypnotized by the way the morning light seeps into your caramel hair and adds new highlights that were never even there.

The moon has begun to hide himself in your evening skies, for he is envious of how the sun cannot keep her eyes off you and the way she lusts after everything you do.

I want you to set my skin on fire
the way you always do.

To whisper in my ear all the things you thought I never knew.