words, I read them
they are stuck in my brain
words, I know who they are from
speak, but I stay in my lane

words, they slice my thumbs
sliding them across the screen
words, what have they made me become?
speak, but I'm only a teen

words, they made me succumb
can someone know my pain
words, can I ask someone to come
speak, "I need help to stay safe and sane"

My thirst grows as the cup flows
If I drink
My lips will turn red as a rose
If I drink
My thirst will not learn to slow
So I bite my tongue
and I say
"keep me safe, keep me safe"

You said friends
I said lovers
You said chance
I said lovers
You said lovers

I said romance
You said passion
I said hugs
You said skin

You said friends
I said friends
Then you left
and I said LIAR

They call my name and I fall
Falling, Falling yes Falling
It has me feeling quite tall

You call my name and I fall
Falling, falling, yes Falling
I shrink to the ground, feeling small

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
mistakes
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Now people look at me differently
They seem to pray to you God
"Change her" they ask of you intently

spewing hate and judgement gently
It only hurts if it has sharp edges
Sugar coated pills I take daily

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
mistakes
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Colors cover my body and brain
Sticky thoughts, sticky hands
But I'm the one to blame

I treat the sickness you gave
Without your sugar coated drug
acceptance is what I crave

The past impacts
our future
and
our future
will be our past.

Everything is temporary
My mansion is temporary
The monsters in my mansion
they might live forever
Not in my mansion but they’ll live in another

I am always wary
For the monster are scary
Isn’t that why we call them monsters?
I have to be clever

They may never get the best of me
I will fight until I die
Whatever, whenever, wherever
They cannot defeat me until I’m dead
I’m not about to let them have that

You’re in my head
Taking up space
What you said
Floating around
The world drowned out
The only sound
You and I
And what I said

The world goes on around me
disconnected
I watch as I'm unnoticed
neglected
A glance; I don't recognize me
reflected
My struggles they go
undetected
I'm working on being
connected
It can be hard when you aren't
accepted
It can be hard when you had to be
disconnected
It's the only way to survive I know
Dissociated

I’m dancing out of the dark
I’m jumping in the light

My joy becomes a weapon
And I begin to fight

Let this mark
A new beginning

A war against demons
Is fought with joy

Am I to young for this?
The hate I see unveiled
It spreads like the sickness
Am I too young for this?
My body is weak and hurt
It begs for forgiveness
Are we to young for this?

I love myself until I don't
I am sure that I won't
until the moment I do
I am happy off the pills and diet
until others keep quiet
and another moment so am I

The test of a princess
Is piled high
Like her ego
Mattresses stacked one after another
But the height isn't a bother
She'll demand to step on others
Using them to get to the top
Stomping her foot on their head

The test of a princess
Is sensitive
As she laid down
Pulling covers up to her chin
She is uncomfortable
The unknown pea
Able to bruise porcelain skin
Her sleep now departed

Im not participating
No petty fights
I have debates
No people used as stepping stones
I build by own stairs with hard work
My ego does not make me better
I humble myself and always search
I search for new ways to grow
For I am confident and I know

My skin is also sensitive
Sensitive to others in need
Sensitive to the ones trying and fighting
Not the ones calling for attention
Or whining of a perfect princess
A tiny pea does not bruise me
Words spoken in hateful spiteful rage
They may pass right through me
For I shall not be phased

I'm not participating in this contest
I do not wish to be a princess
The truth is a am no princess
If that makes me any less
I honestly don't care one bit
I don't get knocked down
Without getting back up
I strive to be me
For I am confident and I know
I am no princess

At the table sit the able and fittest of society
Whether that be true or not does not matter
As they think of only others like them
The able and fit in society to benefit
And what of those not as able or fit?
They are forgotten, they have no place to sit
So a society stays benefiting only the "normal"
While the lives are gawked at and hurdlers bigger for the "abnormal"

The chains binding
Have been broken
I still have the cuffs
I may be walking free
But my hands are still weighed down
Now I’m finding
Me, myself and I

I wish to see clearer
Past imperfection
Yet, chains are heavy
Even after they have been broken

Look in the mirror
I hate my reflection
I feel infected
Self-hate as my infection
Have I lost my direction?

"No, you aren’t the definition of perfection
That doesn’t mean to hate your reflection
Maybe you have lost your direction
You see you have to be lost before you become found
Don’t forget you no longer have a need to be bound
You have been crowned
There is no one just like you
A ruler of yourself you are
When you look at the night sky
Admire the stars
You are a star"

I’m 10 feet down
All day, all night
But I’m rising up
Dirt is filling my eye
Pressing all around
I’m clawing and fighting
My fire shall never die
You could make me blind
You can make me all alone
You can **** my hope
But I won’t let you win
You win when I step off that bridge
You win when I stop fighting
So, let me make it known
You can cope
You do have hope
You aren’t alone
Reach out
Forget your fear
Forget your doubt

Every word sends waves in my brain
I can close my eyes and see the rain
the beat thrums with my heart
sometimes it's all I have when nothing else remains

Wings flowing back and forth
Keeping little butterfly up
Wind challenging the little insect
Strong breezes tumbling

To the north
The little butterfly must go
The road not easy nor perfect
No time for bumbling

The bees may rumble and bumble
But not little butterfly
Little butterfly is silent and graceful
Now which of the two survives?

I’m a fool
My craziness is spilling
A page catching the words
Forever falling
Out of my head
Overjoy or overreact
Lean because I lack

I bought a barbie doll yesterday
She looked so pretty
I've stared from afar wishing to rewind
to go back to innocent play
I cast aside my dolls to early
Oh, what if kids were more kind?
Would I have kept my dolls that day?

Life is not a movie
It is not full of tropes
Or unrealistic hopes
Just some ropes
Binding you to the choices you make
Consequences for everything you do
Some make it through life by being fake
Some by their passion

My mistakes keep me awake
I can feel myself break
What’s at stake?
If I cross that line
Can I ever be fine?
I will not whine
for more time
I now have to make a choice
And find my own voice

The snow is falling
Lights Shining
All the colors so bright
Smell of peppermint candy canes
And warm hot chocolate
But all I need is the warmth of family
Who needs the Christmas light?
Or gifts under a green tree
When we have us here
Together
Family forever
We shall remain together

I wasn't mad that you left
Time apart is beneficial
and I won't make you stay
It was the fact you lied
It was the fact you didn't let me know
how you felt, why you ignored me, anything
So when you decided it was time,
that you wanted to come back to friends
I was and am bitter and unforgiving
You didn't communicate when I tried
So hear me when I communicate
Kindly let me go, go back to nothing

Do you hear it?
The whispers in the wind
Do you feel it?
Nature's call
It's buzzing so loudly
Yet so silently

When your body is full of blades
You can rely on the right aids
Meet Sarah she has a lap to sit
I made a pillow as a gift
She also has wheels that roll
When people don't move we bowl

Then there is Cain
He is, in fact a cane
He is always there to lean on
Some say he is plain
So I gave him pictures I've drawn
My favorite is the black swan

I love my mobility aids
and some days
I don't need my aids
I use what I need for that day
So if you see me with Sarah or Caine
You can always wave, "Hey"

I wonder do we ever know who we are because it seems to me everyone is searching for more.

They try to grasp at more of themselves discovering as they discover the world.

Spending time with freinds discovering more about one another.

I'm in the same boat looking into the mirror questioning myself to search for more within.

What lies beneath this skin?

The weight seems to squeeze the air from your lungs
its a feeling that stays, doesn't it

The sharpest weapons are tongues
but they are also the kindest tools

The wielder of a mighty tool brings peace
so listen to the simple still non-still of earth

Breath in deep and use the kindest tool you have on you.

Watch her go, watch her fall
She can say no, she can bawl

Yet, she continues to dance
she tries to keep them entranced

"Let me earn your praise, your love"
She forgets her wings to fly above

Her once shining wings
that had drawn in kings,

now are dull and weak
She's burnt out

Movies last a few hours
My memory shall last forever

Fire burns bright and warm
It’s orange hue casted across the earth
Warming the day and resting on her face

A shadow casted behind; the shape her perfect form
In that dark a mother brings life in birth
Her coolness brings peace and grace

Soon she will leave again
Even now the space is too much
I long to trace her face with my fingers
But because I give life, I can also bring death

You I can never hold
You I can never kiss
You I may destroy
So, watch from here I must
You I impossibly love

It echoes around me
there's no looking back
I'm leaving the cave
her name lines the walls
She is just an echo
The past fades
We are an echo

You hate me, do you not?
Sickness you breathe into me
Political wars you form
I see that smile of glee
I know you hate me world
I don't know if God knows it
But sickness was always here
I hate me, do you not?

I close my eyes to listen
The wind caresses me
The trees whisper
The birds sing a melody
My eyes do not open

I blindly reach to feel
The winds whistle
The trees shake
The birds fly off
My hand finds the surface

I pull myself to live
The winds push me
The Trees gossip
The birds ignore me
My body is alive

I know they prefer me dead
The casket broke
The lies of "normal" are no more
The forcing of my mask no more
My eyes are open

Am I lost or am I finding myself?
My feet carry me forward
Like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I confused or am I confident?
My ears hear others call me lost
I continue like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I finding myself in confidence?
My path is not easy or clear
I continue to find my way
I have many destinations to discover

I always thought diplomas should be golden

Or maybe the papers that hold high ACT scores

For years you study and stress and hold in

All for these papers to decide your open doors

I know some who put their worth on it

Like this test is everything they are and will be

For a time, I believed that too I must admit

Truth is, I am not smart on paper and where does that leave me?

I spent to much time thinking I was dumb

I am a highly intelligent being just not on what they test for

My life can’t rest on test scores because I’d succumb

My feet would slip into the depths stuck underneath society’s floor

Earthquakes
The earth shakes and breaks
My reality now shattering
Falling down into great lakes
A new earth
No more stressful headaches
So happy to escape
Why face what's real
When I have something better
Fantasy

Childish innocence broken
I cut my finger on the glass

When it's broken
you see past yourself

It's okay I am outspoken
my voice I won't pass

Speak to the heartbroken
another snake in the grass

Empathy unbroken
new history for the bookshelf

I feel the fire spread
It eats my body inside
I feel my shell bleed

In the dark I lived
In the dark I despised
Only catching glimpses of light
Through the cracks
Brief moments of over-excitement
Moments that had me deceived

But that isn’t my life
The darkness is not me
Breaking through to the light
Through the cracks
A lasting feeling of incitement
This is not a moment, this is a change

In the light I live
In the light I love
Only moments of shadows
From the clouds
I am stable, full of encouragement
I reach out, I reach to live

When death takes my hand
           I will hold yours in my other
              And promise to find you in every afterlife
                      I promise to find you in every life and chance I have

I will fight to kiss you again, to hold you again, to see you just another time. Forever and always.

I'm infected
I'm trying to deal with the pressure
I'm trying to deal with deppression
Listen to my confession
All I have is this aggression
Perfection is my obsession
Art is my only self-expression
Do not question
my senses of direction
I know I must make progression
oh look at the the time
I have to go in for my teary session

I am ensnared by you
My lungs burn
My eyes clouded
My struggling stops
Your love is like a thorn
Pricking my skin
As I bleed I give you a band-aid
I speak what I notice
You have no will to change
Your stuck in a storm
I try to pull you out
But you choose to throw yourself back in
I know you can change
I know you can get better
I'm too tired, I have my own wounds
I have to save myself before I help you
But how can I leave?
I know you'll only spiral down more
but what about me?
Who do I put first?

My body breaths, eats and walks
Yet, I hate my breath, how I eat and walking
When I breath it's labored
like my lungs never are fulfilled
When I eat I must be slow
like I'm about to burst
When I walk I'm in pain
like my legs are stiltes cracking
My body is not how I knew it

I hate my body as it seems so limited
I'm not even in my twenties
How can I grow to love my body?

I hate my body as no-one sees my limits
I'm not seen as someone who needs help
How can I grow to simply ask to use the elevator?

So many walk around with their eyes closed
The masks cover the silent screams
Are we scared of what will be exposed?
How many are stuck in their own dreams

When you open your eyes, what do you see?
Will it make any one of us free?

Desperation
it changes you
Frustration
it forces you
Damnation
I refuse
Foundation
I choose
*******
for making me
Desperate
Frustrated
and ******
I'll make my own way
out of this hell
without you