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Bugs Spencer Nov 2021
When death takes my hand
           I will hold yours in my other
              And promise to find you in every afterlife
                      I promise to find you in every life and chance I have

I will fight to kiss you again, to hold you again, to see you just another time. Forever and always.
Bugs Spencer Nov 2021
Time is nothing more than a memory
My time is broken
It's been a month since I've breathed
It's been a month since I've seen

Time is nothing more than memory
Memory is my broken time
It's been a month since I've been heard
It's been a month since I've been seen

Time is just something I puzzle together
I am a part of someone I can't even remember
It's been a life of dissociation
It's been a life of splitting

My view of time is like flashes of a movie
Seeing parts of a story I create, yet
Never seeing it all come together
Never knowing the story of this body in full

Despite it all I love my altered view
I get to see the self-love within a mind
I watch the struggles and wins in here
and when I need to serve on front lines I will

This is the broken mind of a child
We are working together to be a machine
We are working to become a funcional army
Life has been war to us all and we are strong

If there is anything I wish people knew
It would be I am not someone scary like in "Split"
Some may think it's impossible though, I'm fake
But I'm here, don't underestimate what a mind will do to keep you safe
I have no idea how i feel posting this, but it's apart of my life. It's what i want to write and share. D.I.D a diagnosis I'm in therapy for.
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I'm drowning
I can't explain it better
My struggles are above my head
Maybe i'd be better of dead
then I remind myself again
Don't listen to your brain
You'll be okay
Just take another breath in
Bugs Spencer Nov 2020
The weight seems to squeeze the air from your lungs
its a feeling that stays, doesn't it

The sharpest weapons are tongues
but they are also the kindest tools

The wielder of a mighty tool brings peace
so listen to the simple still non-still of earth

Breath in deep and use the kindest tool you have on you.
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
I trusted you
I thought you spoke truth
I now know
You only whispered lies
Filling up my head with deceit
Now you can sleep in the street
I'm feeling worthless
Because you broke your promise
You spent the night in someone else bed
I trusted you not to cheat
But I was just a piece of cake to you
Now your just a piece of meat
to me, to me, to me
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Do you hear it?
The whispers in the wind
Do you feel it?
Nature's call
It's buzzing so loudly
Yet so silently
Bugs Spencer Jan 2022
Am I to young for this?
The hate I see unveiled
It spreads like the sickness
Am I too young for this?
My body is weak and hurt
It begs for forgiveness
Are we to young for this?
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Life is not a movie
It is not full of tropes
Or unrealistic hopes
Just some ropes
Binding you to the choices you make
Consequences for everything you do
Some make it through life by being fake
Some by their passion

My mistakes keep me awake
I can feel myself break
What’s at stake?
If I cross that line
Can I ever be fine?
I will not whine
for more time
I now have to make a choice
And find my own voice
You can find your voice. Just take a breath. Let the past go and focus on the now.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
My daily bread
My day without caffeine
I am without it
My head as I work
Myself awake
Me some coffee
I need my caffeine
Not sweet toffee
Bitter black as night
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
So many colors
The sweet taste of lovers
I remember all those warm summers
Chasing boys, boys chasing me
Tones of oranges, reds, and yellows
Cold then came riding on the wind
Soon came the glare on snow
The sun could make me go blind
I fell in love with that slow flow
Too soon though a boy burned my colors away
Bugs Spencer Nov 2023
Wake up and I swallow
Instagram reels and dry pills
to help feel less hollow

Bite into tender flesh
sip on my blood coffee
their pain is still so fresh

New phone every new year
six marketable colors
screams fall on a deaf ear

My hair begins, thins out
checking all the labels
ingredients I do doubt

All we do is consume
no matter what the cost
dead families, no tomb

Wake up and listen in
They don't care about us
Money hungry eat skin
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
So many walk around with their eyes closed
The masks cover the silent screams
Are we scared of what will be exposed?
How many are stuck in their own dreams

When you open your eyes, what do you see?
Will it make any one of us free?
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
I'm infected
I'm trying to deal with the pressure
I'm trying to deal with deppression
Listen to my confession
All I have is this aggression
Perfection is my obsession
Art is my only self-expression
Do not question
my senses of direction
I know I must make progression
oh look at the the time
I have to go in for my teary session
Bugs Spencer Dec 2021
Watch her go, watch her fall
She can say no, she can bawl

Yet, she continues to dance
she tries to keep them entranced

"Let me earn your praise, your love"
She forgets her wings to fly above

Her once shining wings
that had drawn in kings,

now are dull and weak
She's burnt out
Bugs Spencer Aug 2022
They call my name and I fall
Falling, Falling yes Falling
It has me feeling quite tall

You call my name and I fall
Falling, falling, yes Falling
I shrink to the ground, feeling small

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Now people look at me differently
They seem to pray to you God
"Change her" they ask of you intently

spewing hate and judgement gently
It only hurts if it has sharp edges
Sugar coated pills I take daily

And hey deadname
I hate your stupid guts
You ruined everything and anything
there's no one else to blame

And oh my God
I'm sorry for fixing your
I didn't know you'd mind so much

Colors cover my body and brain
Sticky thoughts, sticky hands
But I'm the one to blame

I treat the sickness you gave
Without your sugar coated drug
acceptance is what I crave
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
words, I read them
they are stuck in my brain
words, I know who they are from
speak, but I stay in my lane

words, they slice my thumbs
sliding them across the screen
words, what have they made me become?
speak, but I'm only a teen

words, they made me succumb
can someone know my pain
words, can I ask someone to come
speak, "I need help to stay safe and sane"
Bugs Spencer Oct 2021
The world goes on around me
I watch as I'm unnoticed
A glance; I don't recognize me
My struggles they go
I'm working on being
It can be hard when you aren't
It can be hard when you had to be
It's the only way to survive I know
Bugs Spencer Jan 2021
Comparing is poison
It’s killing you and me
The lies of perfection
We ain’t going to believe  

They say beauty is the key
“All the fame, don’t you want to receive?”
It only costs my subjection
It only costs my connection
It only costs my affection

Good grades will only get you so far
“You need a fancy car”
They say, They say
Now I’m saying beauty is the key

What happened to me?
What happened to not falling into the lies
I wasn’t supposed to agree
Now my happiness dies

Beauty and perfection
Striving to always be better is an infection
Worthless is what I see in my reflection
I want to love my imperfection
Imperfections are perfection
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
The earth shakes and breaks
My reality now shattering
Falling down into great lakes
A new earth
No more stressful headaches
So happy to escape
Why face what's real
When I have something better
Bugs Spencer Sep 2021
It echoes around me
there's no looking back
I'm leaving the cave
her name lines the walls
She is just an echo
The past fades
We are an echo
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
I can still feel you
I thought I heard your voice
But it was all in my head
Your only in my head
Why the hell did you make that choice?
Why didn't I make the right choice?
A fleeting rejoice
I didn't hear your voice

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room is now bare
The paintings unhug

Your in my head
I cant rid myself of this dread
My monsters now fed
An empty bed
Your loss now spread
Numbness consumes as feelings fled
I'm sorry that I feel dead
But your the one truly gone

Loss such a hard punch
Guess I expected you to still be here
I thought you'd have many years to grow
I didn't know
So unexpected that you left
Now I'm left all alone
Without you my heart is blown
Shattered into a million peices

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room now bare
The paintings unhung

You're stuck inside hurting my head
I can't rid myself of this **** dread
My monsters now fed
That empty bed
Can you see that your loss has now spread
I don't know if my feelings have fled
I can't be sorry for feeling dead
Your the one truly gone

A poor empty bed
Covers untouched
Hurting so much
Monsters have been fed
Paintings unhung
This pistol has now sung
No more hurting in my head

My monsters now fed
Another empty bed
So I honestly have no idea where this came from. I just started writing and this came from it. I think grief is one of the hardest things and sometimes death feels better but it's not the correct answer.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2021
Her black eyes burn like coal;
a small flicker of light
that can set you aflame.

You wonder, how did she gain control?
Your heart and money are hers in one night,
but she's gone and it's a shame.

I guess it's true you can't take hold of a flame.
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
My head sunk beneath
the water passing my teeth
Blinking my eyes in the deep blue
Strangely I felt like I could fly
Maybe if I flew I could touch the sky
The sound of serene green
The sea seems to wash away,
what was left of me
My soul now flies high
Soaring above the blue-green sea
My eyes looking all around
I am free
I am now reborn as a flying bird
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
I’m a fool
My craziness is spilling
A page catching the words
Forever falling
Out of my head
Overjoy or overreact
Lean because I lack
Bugs Spencer Dec 2021
I watch from tree tops
at the forrest below
I have seen everything grow
from the hare to the fox

Now a winter creeps in
A lake begins to freeze
The cold seems to ***** at skin
I worry my flowers will never be seen

So I flutter and squawk
Wishing for someone to gawk
Is it too late to be known?
Someone stop

I don't want to be alone
No kids to give my garden
To show what is behind that stone
The cold is sharpened

My wings no longer move
My frozen flowers
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I can feel it
the poison spreading
I need you to
fall into my lies
No-one knows what's going on
They don't think I need help
Do you see it?
the poison spreading
Doctor, doctor!
You're killing me slow
Bugs Spencer Sep 2021
In the dark I lived
In the dark I despised
Only catching glimpses of light
Through the cracks
Brief moments of over-excitement
Moments that had me deceived

But that isn’t my life
The darkness is not me
Breaking through to the light
Through the cracks
A lasting feeling of incitement
This is not a moment, this is a change

In the light I live
In the light I love
Only moments of shadows
From the clouds
I am stable, full of encouragement
I reach out, I reach to live
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about half a year ago which was a better explanation from my intense moments of depression and being so happy, ready to try and change my life only to fail because I fell into depression again.

I wrote this inspired by my experience with bipolar and how far I've come because with the proper diagnosis I was put on the right medication and given the correct coping skills to balance out my emotions. I feel in control finally of my life and it all came from reaching out and finding the right therapist which i also understand isn't always possible for everyone, but reaching out in your darkest moments to friends may severely help.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Hurt-people hurt people
Bugs Spencer Mar 2022
I wasn't mad that you left
Time apart is beneficial
and I won't make you stay
It was the fact you lied
It was the fact you didn't let me know
how you felt, why you ignored me, anything
So when you decided it was time,
that you wanted to come back to friends
I was and am bitter and unforgiving
You didn't communicate when I tried
So hear me when I communicate
Kindly let me go, go back to nothing
Bugs Spencer Oct 2021
At the table sit the able and fittest of society
Whether that be true or not does not matter
As they think of only others like them
The able and fit in society to benefit
And what of those not as able or fit?
They are forgotten, they have no place to sit
So a society stays benefiting only the "normal"
While the lives are gawked at and hurdlers bigger for the "abnormal"
Bugs Spencer Mar 2022
I love myself until I don't
I am sure that I won't
until the moment I do
I am happy off the pills and diet
until others keep quiet
and another moment so am I
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Addict, I am an addict
I never listened to how the clock ticked
My eyes burn as I watch another episode
My eyes burn as I am about to implode

Input, Input
Do I ever have an output?

Addicted, tell me I am
Feed a lamb the internet
Watch as they become consumed
Am I the lamb?

The children are being groomed
They watch you become doomed

Internet, Internet
Tell me are you our friend?
You give us so much in our lives
Tell me how many have you made bend?
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
I’m dancing out of the dark
I’m jumping in the light

My joy becomes a weapon
And I begin to fight

Let this mark
A new beginning

A war against demons
Is fought with joy
Bugs Spencer Mar 2020
Are so **** annoying
I don't want to argue

Yeah, you blew it
I just want my baby

Just like destroying
Why can't you love me
Why can't I hate you
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I can feel it
the winds
They are pulling me
leading me
I travel with
the winds
They are my guide
Like I am the leaf
caught in a breeze
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Wings flowing back and forth
Keeping little butterfly up
Wind challenging the little insect
Strong breezes tumbling

To the north
The little butterfly must go
The road not easy nor perfect
No time for bumbling

The bees may rumble and bumble
But not little butterfly
Little butterfly is silent and graceful
Now which of the two survives?
Sometimes I feel like a bee being loud and obnoxious. Other times I feel as if I am the butterfly keeping to myself; floating through life quietly. There is a time and place for both. If you are a bee at the wrong time you pay the consequences. If you are a butterfly at the wrong time you miss out on certain opportunities in life.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Love is a luxury
Yet no one can label it
Some have a lack of love
The land in their heart unfertilized
No fruits to be produced
I must admit
We could use a little unconditional love
Let the land be fertilized
Fruits of peace
Fruits of patience
Fruits of joy, kindness, gentleness
Oh, the feeling of goodness
Yes, it is a luxury
Love is a luxury. We can stay alive without it but living without it is different. Who can truly live without some kind of love in their life? We all need a little bit of love in this crazy world. Love makes life better and easier.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Everything is temporary
My mansion is temporary
The monsters in my mansion
they might live forever
Not in my mansion but they’ll live in another

I am always wary
For the monster are scary
Isn’t that why we call them monsters?
I have to be clever

They may never get the best of me
I will fight until I die
Whatever, whenever, wherever
They cannot defeat me until I’m dead
I’m not about to let them have that
Bugs Spencer Oct 2021
Am I lost or am I finding myself?
My feet carry me forward
Like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I confused or am I confident?
My ears hear others call me lost
I continue like I know the way
I don’t know the destination

Am I finding myself in confidence?
My path is not easy or clear
I continue to find my way
I have many destinations to discover
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Every word sends waves in my brain
I can close my eyes and see the rain
the beat thrums with my heart
sometimes it's all I have when nothing else remains
Bugs Spencer Nov 2021
My body breaths, eats and walks
Yet, I hate my breath, how I eat and walking
When I breath it's labored
like my lungs never are fulfilled
When I eat I must be slow
like I'm about to burst
When I walk I'm in pain
like my legs are stiltes cracking
My body is not how I knew it

I hate my body as it seems so limited
I'm not even in my twenties
How can I grow to love my body?

I hate my body as no-one sees my limits
I'm not seen as someone who needs help
How can I grow to simply ask to use the elevator?
Bugs Spencer Mar 2022
When your body is full of blades
You can rely on the right aids
Meet Sarah she has a lap to sit
I made a pillow as a gift
She also has wheels that roll
When people don't move we bowl

Then there is Cain
He is, in fact a cane
He is always there to lean on
Some say he is plain
So I gave him pictures I've drawn
My favorite is the black swan

I love my mobility aids
and some days
I don't need my aids
I use what I need for that day
So if you see me with Sarah or Caine
You can always wave, "Hey"
Might turn this into kids book and illustrate it myself!
Bugs Spencer Oct 2021
I close my eyes to listen
The wind caresses me
The trees whisper
The birds sing a melody
My eyes do not open

I blindly reach to feel
The winds whistle
The trees shake
The birds fly off
My hand finds the surface

I pull myself to live
The winds push me
The Trees gossip
The birds ignore me
My body is alive

I know they prefer me dead
The casket broke
The lies of "normal" are no more
The forcing of my mask no more
My eyes are open
Bugs Spencer May 2020
You let it slip
your perfect perfection
a silent cry for help
playing it off as a joke
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
The test of a princess
Is piled high
Like her ego
Mattresses stacked one after another
But the height isn't a bother
She'll demand to step on others
Using them to get to the top
Stomping her foot on their head

The test of a princess
Is sensitive
As she laid down
Pulling covers up to her chin
She is uncomfortable
The unknown pea
Able to bruise porcelain skin
Her sleep now departed

Im not participating
No petty fights
I have debates
No people used as stepping stones
I build by own stairs with hard work
My ego does not make me better
I humble myself and always search
I search for new ways to grow
For I am confident and I know

My skin is also sensitive
Sensitive to others in need
Sensitive to the ones trying and fighting
Not the ones calling for attention
Or whining of a perfect princess
A tiny pea does not bruise me
Words spoken in hateful spiteful rage
They may pass right through me
For I shall not be phased

I'm not participating in this contest
I do not wish to be a princess
The truth is a am no princess
If that makes me any less
I honestly don't care one bit
I don't get knocked down
Without getting back up
I strive to be me
For I am confident and I know
I am no princess
Bugs Spencer Apr 2020
"Protect her eyes"
She was blind
"Protect her hears"
She was deaf
"Protect her words"
She was mute
"Protect our little girl from the world"
Blind and deaf she staggered
When the world ripped the tape from her mouth
She spoke so innocently
When the world took her ear plugs out
She heard things unknown
When the world stole her blind fold
She saw things evil and good
She couldn't defend herself
The world took advantage of this
It broke her
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
The chains binding
Have been broken
I still have the cuffs
I may be walking free
But my hands are still weighed down
Now I’m finding
Me, myself and I

I wish to see clearer
Past imperfection
Yet, chains are heavy
Even after they have been broken

Look in the mirror
I hate my reflection
I feel infected
Self-hate as my infection
Have I lost my direction?

"No, you aren’t the definition of perfection
That doesn’t mean to hate your reflection
Maybe you have lost your direction
You see you have to be lost before you become found
Don’t forget you no longer have a need to be bound
You have been crowned
There is no one just like you
A ruler of yourself you are
When you look at the night sky
Admire the stars
You are a star"
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Smiles are for
the days
you spend with
the best of friends

Smiles are for
the ways
that person
makes amends

Smiles are for
the rays
of sunlight
driving shadows

Smiles are for
the blaze
of fireworks
as it all ends

Smiles are for how it all ends,
the bittersweetness that life is.
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
You’re in my head
Taking up space
What you said
Floating around
The world drowned out
The only sound
You and I
And what I said
Bugs Spencer Apr 2022
I always thought diplomas should be golden

Or maybe the papers that hold high ACT scores

For years you study and stress and hold in

All for these papers to decide your open doors

I know some who put their worth on it

Like this test is everything they are and will be

For a time, I believed that too I must admit

Truth is, I am not smart on paper and where does that leave me?

I spent to much time thinking I was dumb

I am a highly intelligent being just not on what they test for

My life can’t rest on test scores because I’d succumb

My feet would slip into the depths stuck underneath society’s floor
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