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99 · Sep 2021
Spoken Word
Bugs Spencer Sep 2021
I am ensnared by you
My lungs burn
My eyes clouded
My struggling stops
Your love is like a thorn
Pricking my skin
As I bleed I give you a band-aid
I speak what I notice
You have no will to change
Your stuck in a storm
I try to pull you out
But you choose to throw yourself back in
I know you can change
I know you can get better
I'm too tired, I have my own wounds
I have to save myself before I help you
But how can I leave?
I know you'll only spiral down more
but what about me?
Who do I put first?
98 · Feb 2020
Anxiety
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I'm drowning
I can't explain it better
My struggles are above my head
Maybe i'd be better of dead
then I remind myself again
Don't listen to your brain
You'll be okay
Just take another breath in
97 · Jan 2022
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Jan 2022
I feel the fire spread
It eats my body inside
I feel my shell bleed
96 · Dec 2019
Hurt
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Hurt-people hurt people
95 · Nov 2021
My body is alive
Bugs Spencer Nov 2021
My body breaths, eats and walks
Yet, I hate my breath, how I eat and walking
When I breath it's labored
like my lungs never are fulfilled
When I eat I must be slow
like I'm about to burst
When I walk I'm in pain
like my legs are stiltes cracking
My body is not how I knew it

I hate my body as it seems so limited
I'm not even in my twenties
How can I grow to love my body?

I hate my body as no-one sees my limits
I'm not seen as someone who needs help
How can I grow to simply ask to use the elevator?
93 · May 2020
Perfect perfection
Bugs Spencer May 2020
You let it slip
your perfect perfection
a silent cry for help
playing it off as a joke
93 · Nov 2021
Altered View
Bugs Spencer Nov 2021
Time is nothing more than a memory
My time is broken
It's been a month since I've breathed
It's been a month since I've seen

Time is nothing more than memory
Memory is my broken time
It's been a month since I've been heard
It's been a month since I've been seen

Time is just something I puzzle together
I am a part of someone I can't even remember
It's been a life of dissociation
It's been a life of splitting

My view of time is like flashes of a movie
Seeing parts of a story I create, yet
Never seeing it all come together
Never knowing the story of this body in full

Despite it all I love my altered view
I get to see the self-love within a mind
I watch the struggles and wins in here
and when I need to serve on front lines I will

This is the broken mind of a child
We are working together to be a machine
We are working to become a funcional army
Life has been war to us all and we are strong

If there is anything I wish people knew
It would be I am not someone scary like in "Split"
Some may think it's impossible though, I'm fake
But I'm here, don't underestimate what a mind will do to keep you safe
I have no idea how i feel posting this, but it's apart of my life. It's what i want to write and share. D.I.D a diagnosis I'm in therapy for.
92 · Dec 2021
Flame
Bugs Spencer Dec 2021
Her black eyes burn like coal;
a small flicker of light
that can set you aflame.

You wonder, how did she gain control?
Your heart and money are hers in one night,
but she's gone and it's a shame.

I guess it's true you can't take hold of a flame.
92 · Aug 2021
The Night
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Cold nights are my bittersweet song
It's where I feel as if I belong
It's where I no longer need to be strong
It's when I can cry, scream and curse the wind
The night is mine as I stay in it for so long

Moonlight light's up my bittersweet song
The paper says I do not belong
The paper says I am not strong
The paper is now gone
The night is mine as I stay in it for so long

The night rain has washed it away
The puddles wet my feet washing the mud away
The puddles soak my clothes ******* the warmth away
The puddles shine the moon back making my frown go away
92 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Feb 2022
Desperation
it changes you
Frustration
it forces you
Damnation
I refuse
Foundation
I choose
*******
for making me
Desperate
Frustrated
and ******
I'll make my own way
out of this hell
without you
90 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Feb 2022
I am slowly dissolving into the water
my hair soaks up the cool freshness
my tears fall onto the clear mirror
ripples and small tides follow

I let myself sink deeper as skin becomes hotter
my body soaks in the cool freshness
my tears rise into the clear skies
the clouds come colored in grey hollow

I rise to the skies into stormy clouds
my body dissolves into tiny droplets
my tears fall onto the shaded world
the water again begins to pool

When sun comes so do the crowds
their bodies cool in the freshwater
their smiles shine in the bright light
and I forget how life can be so cruel
90 · Mar 2020
Knew
Bugs Spencer Mar 2020
You
Are so **** annoying
I don't want to argue

Blew
Yeah, you blew it
I just want my baby

You
Just like destroying
Why can't you love me
Why can't I hate you
89 · Dec 2019
Empty bed
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
I can still feel you
I thought I heard your voice
But it was all in my head
Your only in my head
Why the hell did you make that choice?
Why didn't I make the right choice?
A fleeting rejoice
I didn't hear your voice

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room is now bare
The paintings unhug

Your in my head
I cant rid myself of this dread
My monsters now fed
An empty bed
Your loss now spread
Numbness consumes as feelings fled
I'm sorry that I feel dead
But your the one truly gone

Loss such a hard punch
Guess I expected you to still be here
I thought you'd have many years to grow
I didn't know
So unexpected that you left
Now I'm left all alone
Without you my heart is blown
Shattered into a million peices

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room now bare
The paintings unhung

You're stuck inside hurting my head
I can't rid myself of this **** dread
My monsters now fed
That empty bed
Can you see that your loss has now spread
I don't know if my feelings have fled
I can't be sorry for feeling dead
Your the one truly gone

A poor empty bed
Covers untouched
Hurting so much
Monsters have been fed
Paintings unhung
This pistol has now sung
No more hurting in my head

My monsters now fed
Another empty bed
So I honestly have no idea where this came from. I just started writing and this came from it. I think grief is one of the hardest things and sometimes death feels better but it's not the correct answer.
88 · Aug 2021
Internet
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Addict, I am an addict
I never listened to how the clock ticked
My eyes burn as I watch another episode
My eyes burn as I am about to implode

Input, Input
Do I ever have an output?

Addicted, tell me I am
Feed a lamb the internet
Watch as they become consumed
Am I the lamb?

The children are being groomed
They watch you become doomed

Internet, Internet
Tell me are you our friend?
You give us so much in our lives
Tell me how many have you made bend?
88 · Jan 2020
Colors burn
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
So many colors
The sweet taste of lovers
I remember all those warm summers
Chasing boys, boys chasing me
Tones of oranges, reds, and yellows
Cold then came riding on the wind
Soon came the glare on snow
The sun could make me go blind
I fell in love with that slow flow
Too soon though a boy burned my colors away
88 · Feb 2020
Hiding
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I can feel it
the poison spreading
I need you to
fall into my lies
No-one knows what's going on
They don't think I need help
Do you see it?
the poison spreading
Doctor, doctor!
You're killing me slow
86 · Apr 2020
The Edge
Bugs Spencer Apr 2020
You're a wreck, crying, lost at sea
Oceans of hurt and sadness surrounding
Baby I'm a wreck trying to swim
When my eyes met yours you reached out a hand
Thats when I found a piece of my homeland
It was you because you helped me through the grim
When we are both okay the sea is so peaceful
Its so crazy and I cry when your hurting
It hurst so deep because you make me think
A day, a month, a year with you gone
Deep away from the sun
It makes me realize that I need you in this world
I think this adventure together has only just begun
86 · Apr 2020
Protection can hurt
Bugs Spencer Apr 2020
"Protect her eyes"
She was blind
"Protect her hears"
She was deaf
"Protect her words"
She was mute
"Protect our little girl from the world"
Blind and deaf she staggered
When the world ripped the tape from her mouth
She spoke so innocently
When the world took her ear plugs out
She heard things unknown
When the world stole her blind fold
She saw things evil and good
She couldn't defend herself
The world took advantage of this
It broke her
78 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
To   D
         E
           S
             T
               R
                O
                  Y
                          Is to C
                                   R
                                   E
                                   A
                                   T
                                   E
76 · Aug 2021
Relishing life
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
Smiles are for
the days
you spend with
the best of friends

Smiles are for
the ways
that person
makes amends

Smiles are for
the rays
of sunlight
driving shadows

Smiles are for
the blaze
of fireworks
as it all ends

Smiles are for how it all ends,
the bittersweetness that life is.
74 · Dec 2019
Want
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
I want it all
I want you
Even when I feel small
I want all of you
If your shattered
If your scattered
If your battered from the world
I’ll still want you
73 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Shattered vison
Clearer mirror
Scattered and tattered
Death crawls nearer

Open eyes
The mirror is foggy
Together and fixed
Life is here and now
72 · Feb 2020
leaf
Bugs Spencer Feb 2020
I can feel it
the winds
They are pulling me
leading me
I travel with
the winds
They are my guide
Like I am the leaf
caught in a breeze
72 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Dec 2019
Indescribable
A word describing love
Love is ironic
57 · Jan 2020
Stars
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
A tiny speck in the deep dark mass
Thousands of miles between me and you
You, a burning ball of gas lighting up the sky
I am only a girl laying out on the grass
Watching above I made a wish to fly
Fly to see all the wonderful stars
To see how they shine and burn

I counted the stars as years passed
Now I'm here lying on the ground
My wrinkled hands clenching
As I stared out my window I asked
"When my heart stops let me go to space as a bright star"
drenching in sweat as I waited for the pain to leave
I closed my eyes before I let my last breath pass my lips

Now I burn bright above so many
I watch over my Jenny
My family burns bright with me
My happiness aplenty
57 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Bugs Spencer Aug 2021
I am searching, I am seething
I am looking for the answers to why
"Bad things just happen to good people"
"This will make you stronger"
I know this might sound like a lie
but it didn't make me stronger
I'm just a kid

I was supposed to be protected
Milk was supposed to make me stronger
None of it was true for me
My trauma hiders my life
My body has been getting weaker
I'm just a kid

Now I am always affected
I won't push myself to break any longer
None of your opinions chain me
My trauma is mine to deal with
My body is mine to grow to love
And I'm just a kid

I am searching, I am seething
I am shouting the answers to why
Bad things happened and I can't be like you
I have made myself stronger
Hear me, my life is not a lie
I deserve to live a good life
I am not just a child
40 · Jan 2020
Take me softly
Bugs Spencer Jan 2020
It was stormy that night
Rain pouring down
Soaking my once dry, warm dress

I was running
He was cunning

I was a known fighter, yet I didn't fight
He came around
Gently taking me in his arms, a mess

He told me he was a king
he could turn my mess into a queen

I wanted my future to be bright
So I asked to leave this town
It was a yes as long as I confessed

So I did
I'm a runner because I have no home
All I've ever known is how to be alone
I wish to leave and roam
I'm an orphan I have no-one
So king of death
please take me soon

— The End —