So many things to think about,
Not too many to talk about
Some things are better kept locked
In a dark foreboding too
The time misleads the hands and feet
Walking aimlessly around 100 mile town
Broken down and out of society
Away
The time misleads eyes and ears
Straining at the rainbow for the ever after
Stuck in the rain, drenched and far
Alone

I thought this was over
I never think to bring it up
I buried it down sealed the coffin and tied it up
I didn’t think that it would come back
Out of nowhere, and in class
I didn’t think you were still on top of me

I don’t remember it
So, I tell myself it didn’t matter
I don’t remember, so it didn’t happen

11 years later, and I didn’t say yes
11 years later, I didn’t give you consent
you took my innocence from me that night
while my friends continued to forget, you put me to bed

I feel ashamed, that you got away with it
That after you were done with me, she laid with you next
16 never felt like yesterday until this morning

11 years and you still haunt me
I never talk about it, I never remember it
Because I didn’t remember
You violated my sunflower
You made me broken

11 years later, I still didn’t say yes
11 years later, I never gave consent

You cut me down,
I cut you out,
Skipped town,
On a red eye flight

Never could be something perfect in your eyes
Never let me shine my own true light
Despite of you I'm gonna be alright
And you'll never bring me down,

You moved in, to a premade family by numbers
Coloured in the numbers you liked
Left me empty, and blank,
Nothing more than a number on a page

Never could be something perfect in your eyes
Too many wrong roads, too many wrong songs
Despite you, I'll get mine
And I'll never let you bring me down, to the ground

Don’t go calling me anymore,
You left the tree, right where it stood
I grabbed my slippers and the half smoked joint
You made your bed; I slammed the door

Keep counting your greed
You will not buy me
I never needed money,
I just wanted you around

I’m doing alright,
I’m getting mine
Without you,
Without your love

Go to bed Adelle
It's 20 to 4, in the morning Adelle
Smoke this cigarette, Adelle
You're drunk, Adelle
Sipping red wine, Adelle
What are you doing, Adelle?

Hiding with bottles, Adelle
Smoking bongs, Adelle
Playing denial, like a game, Adelle

It's only you, Adelle
Trust and all that ****, you, Adelle
Be you, Adelle

Smoke that smoke, Adelle
Drink that glass of wine, Adelle

Just don't go crazy, Adelle

Be yourself, Adelle

Learn your limits, and stay with in it, Adelle

You should probably sleep, Adelle

Watch jersey shore, and pass out,  Adelle

Sometimes I think that my depression fuelled my creativity.
And now that the dark times don’t need the help of bottles,
I cant help thinking that I running on empty, and I got nothing left to say.
Chasing the pain that is so deep within me, and the **** that shaped me
The images I made with my words and pens
Are nothing but a memory of a sad and lonely 20 something

But the clouds have broken, the rain is letting up, and the sun is peeking through
And all I have are the curiosities of what happens if I start drinking like I did.

I am no longer eligible for the 27 club, and Ill never be famous
And the hurt that I try to remember, will not make those images brighter
It will only hurt my friends and my mother.

So here is a sober, conscious attempt at poetry, trying to find my voice
Without the glass containers that used to help me forget.

Sometimes,
Sometimes, is a good thing
Some things don’t work out
And there comes a time when,
Enough is enough
And you smell like people I pass by,
And you will not remember me,
But, sometimes, some things need to be rescued
And sometimes, we all need a little saving.
Sometimes, people are good, and less moronic nimrods
That we all, some times are

Golf clubs for fists
And hockey sticks for machetes
In this world, anything will print you for the records
And violence can be picked up at your local 99 cent store
And charged to a players club card
As cancer is an entree for your 6 course 5 star meal
And smoke stacks are sold in 20 and 25

Another toothpick lined up for check-up

Invisible tears streaming down my face
These tears that you can not see,
It’s almost as if they were not there to begin with
Like its some ******-somatic reaction to something I have no longer
As if,  I might always have some kind of longing to the yesterday
How memory leads us to believe the past is some idealist future
When I find out what life has to offer, the stars that went out
We fall back in love with the light
And green grasses will pave the way to the end
And everything will fall into the place as it should, on the chessboard of life

Coming to the final project and final Artist Statement of my days at Emily Carr University. I am more confused about Art, and what makes Art, Art. I have tried different things, some better than others, some worse.  I have used different formats, different film sizes and different subject matters and focal points.  However, The last ideas that I have shared have not gone over as happily as I would have liked.  So, yet again, I find myself changing my project to please my peers and faculty. While doing so, I have lost why I fell in love with photography in the first place. Forgot all about my photography award in High School. Forgot about taking pictures of everything I see. I did that for me, and now it feels like Art has become some kind of popularity contest of who is more abstract and charged, something we’ve never seen before. But I feel everything is already been done, in one way or another.

With sharing this, I do not feel, I can even remotely come up with something completely new and have some philosophical subjective interpretation of whether a picture of a leaf is just a leaf, or a tiny glimpse of global warming, or a sign that fall has once again, fell.   To quote Andy Warhol, “Art is what is what you can get away with”.  Has art really become, whatever we can ******* our way through?

I feel completely drained of any creative ideas or thoughts. So I have decided to do something for me. I have taken pictures of different places or things in my apartment.  In black and white, with 120 film on RC paper.  They are on 11x14-sized paper. I decided that photography was once a way to keep all the moments of my life kept, safe and documented. And this is what I plan to do. Document the place where I have been banging my head up and down the 4 walls of this space, trying to come up with something magical. Instead, I took a more literal route, and focused on the space I was in, trying to not create something for an institution and something for my personal archives.  I think we as artists, and as individuals can all take some wisdom from Oscar Wilde when he said, “It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.”  As I am my own toughest critic, I do not see myself in the art I have created over the past couple of years, therefore I don’t feel as if my practice is truly reflects my voice as an artist. Thus, I plan to create something within myself for myself.

The world is spinning out of control
Just like my mind
When I had one too many sips
The world falling into gun control
And whites fighting for their hierarchy
The right to bare arms
Is nothing more than a figurehead position?
As another night closes with another beer
The time for sleep, has come
Or another somber, drunken attempt
At poetry

I run through the city streets

Hold my hand, we ran

Ignoring the neon lights and the tall people

Blurring the nightlife

Changing the surroundings every second

Follow the ocean breeze,

     takes me away

Mountain sounds and yellow lights

Full of monsters and men

We are here, the comfort of home

The sand between our toes and underneath my feet

It all begins; chase the clouds away to yesterday

Love & Illusion, do you know in magic?
Do you think that we could be more than tragic?
Bartender, pour me another
I see you, seeing me
Buy me another shot
And lets try this another time, Ill be here waiting for this to start
The past is all over and over
My heart still beats the same
But not for you
Bartender give me another number

Someone is calling for me
When i close my eyes it sounds like you
Across the room, I see you
Seeing me too

Pour me another glass
I am stuck on this stool, until you tell me to go
But i am stuck staring at you

Don't leave me alone, in this bar
It doesn't seem that wrong
If you could take me home

Be brave young parasite

For the war of the worlds strikes at midnight

Grab your claws and retrieve your arrow

There is still something left to fight for

Our women are bruised with the fear of the fall

And the empire washed out the crown

And religious ***** who fold their knees to obey an invisible folly

Falter and sway as their scaffolds crash

So be brave young maggot, it’s only you

You must burn the bridge to divinity

And rope the sinners and free agents

Bound them to their rebellion

For the chalice broke way for a hopeful world of peace

I light my smoke, as it all comes back to me
My ex was here, right there, beside me
Beers and red wine, will see

Cigarette time, passed bed time
We will see

He left

Some sense of wonder
Some sense of, if and when
He will ever ponder,
The fact,
That we belong

Because he knew my favourite song
And because we can tolerate us

Learn how to grow and uh
We found common ground
Between us
And how
We always seem to find
A little love between us

You broke my heart, and you didn't even know why, I refused to tell you, because, I thought you should see, a glimpse, of what my perspective, could, would be. But you didn't, and I grew distance, I love feircely, but you hurt me. When I cried for help you straight up, didn't show up, and abandoned me. You hurt me, you are my sister, and let a great man, block you, of your sight to see, your best friend, was in her greatest time of need; you are selfish you see, your happiness and sense of wonderness, blinded your understanding, that I just wanted a place to land, some kind of familiar ground, to have a shoulder, to cry on, and lie down,

I love you, but no words, right now, suite you,
And I have been so close to you

I need a chance to be on my own,
Play rummy, and carry on

My eyes are black holes
Dead, deceased
An ecosystem of decay
a habitat for shattered souls

My eyes are lifeless
Lack luster
Sparkled out
Behind the wall, we are falling
Banging out our heads and hearts against doors off hinges
Against some mad buggers intuitions

Do you ever want the best for me?
Ever realize, that I struggle with emotions,
With being out in reality, with interactions of strangers and foe
I put my cards in one basket, twice.
They bluffed.

Would you?
Call mine?

The record subtly spinning,
Music has always accompanied my psychosis
Makes me feel tall.
Just the interior monologue of my youth and the days I was never around

I’m all full
Filled up with yesterdays
And regrets

Where is my hero?
To save me from tears and blankets
To hold my hand when I sleep,
And make sure I believe in Ever After

****** window screens and
Spray-painted limousines
Broken fingernails
Collecting dust in water pails
Chewed mosquito bites,
Lurking men of the night
Procession of death,
Headaches and shortness of breath
Physical or mental abuse,
Which road will you choose?
Abstinence with a keyhole of trust,
Unknown of love, engulfed in lust
Short distance and reoccurring sunsets,
a sunrise of jealously paired with eternal fret
Frustration, confusion, nothing less,
Hope is lost as you fail that test
Life mirrors’ a repetitive game
No purpose just filled with hallow halls and shame

Break still young one
Hold your candle high
Salvation comes to those who wait

Be still grasshopper
Don’t react so quickly
Time isn’t going anywhere

So still loved one
Weave in and out of the lines
Make some mistakes along the way

Time changes, sweetheart
When you least expect it
It shifts

Break still young one
Hold your candle high
Salvation comes to those who wait

Be still grasshopper
Don’t react so quickly
Time isn’t going anywhere

So still loved one
Weave in and out of the lines
Make some mistakes along the way

Time changes, sweatheart
When you least expect it
It shifts

All my cigarettes cant create all these moments that I crave
The smoked out thoughts, and careless talks
Leaves me breathless, in the kitchen

You never see what I want to show
All the taped up glass, masking the broken teacups
The roads unlit, the day sweeps into dusk
Alone in my self;
crowded with all these cracked dishes

Never able to let the cloth catch the dust
The last meal, has reached the minute hand
Through the window, a single star staring
Watching me inhale, as the smoke covers the broken cups

The Cold Dust Woman,
Crying on her Broken Porch,
Screaming for something to come and save her reckless soul
Trying to find something else besides the day to day,
A break from society, A break that will substantiate the differences between experience,
           And an alternative motive.

Something alike using a product,

To gain, and better yourself.
Individual.

I tend to try and stay away from people
Spend hours in the bathroom smoking chimney smoke
Safe behind the door of my apartment, views of mountains, and city life
Pressed between something I had and something I have gained
Confused in which way I should see

Maybe one day it will all work itself out
Life might just figure out the kinks on its own
Empty all the ashtrays and the empty broken homes

I am letting life pass by
Watching it go, from the window
Letting myself dye in isolation
Cowering from the things I could eventually know

The water is cold and the sky is dark
I have managed to escape the life I had feared
And built up brick walls

The seasons change, and so do people

The beginning never lasts and the middle just gets dug up

The end is always

I lay my chest to rest, down

As the gamely few follow the footsteps of window reflections  

The wind chases the leaves; the fire spreads beyond the glass

The bread to feed your bones has burned what you are

Bring out your dead,
All willing bodies stand your ground
This is the art of ruin,
Hold your scaffolds high
And your morals low
Bring out the monopolies and the cash crop
Raise them on a pedestal made for some kind of Greek legend
A heroic fight for what was, and an attempt to untie the knot
Brake the shackles of man made, rediscover the stream
Search for the trickster, and watch where he goes

I lost a friend last night,
One too many pointless fights
Made me realize,
Its about time you let go

It has been a rocky two years
I’ve seen pleasure but all I see is tears
Yelling through window pains
Reflecting me watching me walk away

I’ve put this in front of everything else
I trusted you with myself
But we couldn’t make the world turn
And now youll become another notch in my belt

I hope I will be able to find some peace
And be able to find the pieces,  that you chipped away
Bring them back together again
Find those old love affairs with my best friends
Remember the days of late night walks and shirts for dresses
Out with the old, and in with no more heartache of a drunken ***** mess

This is what is left. A few simple lines turn into phrases
And this chapter has closed, but I will turn all these pages
And erase these memories that you do not possess
Because my book is far from read.

The waves on the beach
Crash against the shore
The crows eating my left overs
The wind blowing my hair
And the mountains painted in the Irish sky
Off season, a desolate peace
No fog on the horizon
Only sand beneath me
The hilltop houses
The little shrubs along the grass
And the shore meeting the waves
With a gentle crash

The static ghost beneath the rainbow
Creeps patiently towards the house on the right
The sun sets with a mild thunderstorm
And the rain crushes the leaves on the trees
Take shelter in the garage. Ill watch from the window
The wind rattling the closed down doors
The marijuana we smoked; heightens hometown weather patterns
As I stare out the glass towards the driveway

After another 10 hour day, excluding transit
I find myself 2 marijuana puff puff passes
Past the record spinning, and the words of Stevie and Lindsay
Speak past the first brain and well into the second one,
Causing my unconsciousness to sweat and wilt to the sounds of love and tragedy
Another days' end come to a close, as I wind down with a couple PBRs, The sound of the 70's,
And the soon romantic encounter with sleep

The day is,

Waiting for tomorrow

Dear You,

My unknown love,  
Did you see the rain gather in puddles?
Or were you too distracted by the city life?
Watch the headlights as you run across the street
Or focus on the light turning red,

Did you see me drink that glass?
Or hear me cough

Do you like the way it turned out?
All the pieces fit perfect

Or, are you like me,
Pretending
That this is what you want

Crooked traffic lines
Cracked ribs, and broken hearts
Another Bob Dylan song makes me cope
My mind is timeless, and my heart aches
But there is no cure for desperation
And mumbling words for praise ain’t gonna cut it
And ill end up being lonesome and ill be alone
With another 60’s melody and another overused verse
From a classic song,
And my iPod will deafen my ears to sleep

As famous souls die by the hand of celebrity
And talent falls to another pill, another tabloid
Another insecurity violated

Won’t you come over and stop making a fool out of me,

Left is time,
And another talent,
Remembered by death,
And never will those, know
That they were infamous

Depression is a game, you are forced to play
Its never going to end, just ring around the rosie
Its, another time around the board

It affects everything,

Trying to see the good, the positive, and the optimistic, or the inspirational
Makes you feel worse, and tears start to swell against your eyelids

Trying to escape depression is a never ending fight against these feelings you can not seem to surpass, it becomes you, it destroys you

And,

Then,

It becomes you

I have been doing really well,
Doing so well, that nobody knows about my episodes.
The stale paint scent of my depression
Haunts me like the ghost of my adolescence.
Its back, and it wasn’t welcome to come back
I did not give out an invitation to the party that I am not hosting
It creeped back, it wasn’t supposed to come back
But here it is.
Weighing on my shoulders,
With boulders of anxiety and the promise of a bleak and meek future
That I am trying so hard not to obtain.
Fighting, everyday to stay busy, to stay sane
But its back.
And I just wish it would go away.
Shopping only helps the pain
in the moment
standing in the check out line
These overpriced, on sale Uggs, only make it better in the store.
But when I get home,
The only thing that understands me
Is the needle with the record spinning

When does this feeling go away?
The longing, the feeling of loneliness
The tune of heart quench
I am not unhappy, I am content in my loneliness
I am fair play in the reckless game
I am me
But,
How I crave to have an ever after
I desire we

I am a sad person
I always see the dim light
I never try to be the down guy
Somehow I just find the bad kind

I can love forever
I'll bend over backwards
But I can't let go, of the household backyard

My childhood was hard
I spent days in the gym
Countless hours, pushing up
To get away from them
So I could escape him

My home life wasn't great

I seem to always see the dim light
Always seem to wish on a hopeless star
Of some place, wide, vast and far

Just a crack

A door, ajar

Empty beer bottles,
Empty beer cans
Another night faded into story

I'm ashamed, ashamed of my quick subtle movements
Dropping containers
And forgetting to pick them up

Too drunk too type

Too drunk not to care


Ill smoke the ****, one more time
Let the music; the words of Americans
Sing me to my drunken sleep

I use substances
To plan an escape
To run away
With not even moving

Turn off my mind
My brain gets loud
All the wrongs I have done
All the times I was let down

I feel everything, and everything and everything

I leave these emotions, these pieces of my history
       Safe

Hidden behind, humour, hidden behind, lust, hidden behind, trust

I feel everything

And most of the time I want it to stop
And I fill up that cup
Take one more shot
Because everything I got

Reminds me of what I am not

well, time to time
i think if, maybe our timing was wrong
if, we both needed to grow,
and be on our own

from time to time, i think this is so

and you know my funeral song
and, i, know your favourite show

oh, if knew only know
that i, i am waiting
for you to come home

You made me fall in love with you
You made me fall in love with me
You got under my skin
You got into my head
I told you I would run
Run far, far away
I did
Twice
And now the phones are dead
Communication broke down
A mistake that’s not fixed
A sorry just will not break through
Something that only music heals
Something that can not be fixed
I really wish you were here
I wish it went down differently
I wish I could just walk to your door
And just kiss you, before you had time to shut it in my face
But I have to stop thinking about you
I HAVE to get you to go away now
Put you into a tiny box and forget you
But I cant
I just cant
And Facebook is asking if I want to be your friend

This room is filled with people

People that I do not know

This night is full of stars

That I can not see from here

I got on the bus; you got off the train

And these sidewalks are walking me home tonight

Safe from the windy winds on the shore

I knelt down beside the road, watched the forest

Hold me still: take me by the hand

Promise, ghosts the once glorious past

…I have stayed too long

Do you ever feel so ugly in your own skin?
Where you pinch and grab at your physical reasons to hate yourself
All the taunts and cruel phrases relive in your jiggles
You fad diet yourself into comfort,
Only to be reminded of your deep scars as you catch a glimpse in the reflection
You strive for societal perfection as you let yourself slip into a cracked version of someone you were
The fear that happiness is gone for good
And this is all that's left

Having something of a disappointment,
of a father,
Or having a inferior daughter,
youre not proud of,

I am useless, a waste of breath,
for him, I am nothing,
Didnt like a family, so bought a new one.
And I have scars to show, and tears on my sleeves,
Pretending that he means nothing,

Why do we fear the darkness?
Is it the fact that the complete absence of light shows us our worst fears?
The vacant stare of emptiness takes hold of our paranoia and turns it round to face us standing tall?
The shadows our eyes tell us are there, dance and whisper to us saying in the dark there is fear.
The slow, silent venture as the sun slips behind the curve and we sit in our black, scared to death of what we can not see.
Or is it the fact that in darkness there is no colour of which to paint our dreams?
To be patiently waiting in the stillness of nothing.

Just one sip to recall the memories back into view
My liver may be constructed better than others,
It works with the ambience of the dark days
It rekindles the holes in my life, brings forward the words to express
A valiant attempt at understanding the wild ones, who beat their own hearts
A somber tune of regret and footprints never-ending
Seems the best decision is to continue on this road where the lights dim every hour
Some kind of vagabond following the stars to find something worth finding

You made a fool out of me,
Showed me how to dance
And watched me fall

When you spend all your money
And people crowd around
And pull your phone
Girls night out
And your best friend is talking to her boyfriend
And you're standing alone
Seems to be the only thing you've known
Roxy Cabaret  Sundays
Holding your bottle and facing these demons
As you're friends forget you're home
The country beat drops and
You still feel too drunk to be this alone

I don’t know why I am scared
This is all familiar
All seems recent
I need to escape
It’s not easy
Letting the past rest
Dig the hole and walk away
And only look west
Count the pebbles
Throw stones in English Bay
This place is called home
This urban paradise
The only place I want to be
Times changes the tides twice a day
And people grow apart

My mind worries, as my hands shake
I am a hamster in this wheel, running this race
The pace is quickening as my feet tap and tip
The cage is broken
As I become freed from this ****
The world is hollow
Cold and unforgiving
Outside of my cell
The ******* keep on living
Their teeth never clench
Their palms never shake
They just keep on walking
But never quicken their pace
My race quickens
As my blood pumps
My veins replace the oxygen
As the arteries gather the chunks

The media swings information into the air
Innocently as a child spreads a lie
In charge of their own idea of reality and knowledge
Casting glimpses and burning holes in the stories and bombs
Does anyone care?
Care
Enough to read between the periods and well rehearsed tears
Law binding, right breaking polices of how and when
Single file lines and caged boardwalks
A foot away from bar codes and eye authorization
Slowly morphing into a well oiled death toll
I could be helpless, you could be heroic

The trees have fallen,
Down
And the night is shinning on behind the sun
And even though it is daylight, now
Those bed bugs never leave me

I have fallen down
Picked myself up from off the ground
To see what I have found,
Is only broken things and forgotten dreams

Its time,
Now,
Its time to find something around the corner
Lay your body down
Get your feet out of the kitchen

Hold on now,
For I have to wait for evening
To begin