I need you

I want to leave
not tomorrow
but today
right now

I can’t sleep
I’m screaming inside
it was hard letting go
putting my life in someone else’s hands
all I can do now
is wait
wait for a change
wait for my life to change
i don’t know
what’s going to happen
or when it will
I’m scared to death
it might be the best
but it doesn’t seem like it
I have given up
I’m scared and I can’t sleep

*(s.m)

I’m counting days
just a few more
I can’t wait to see you
you are to far away
I can’t stand being here
here without you
I need you close
I’m counting days
46

some days i feel nothing and others, everything
last night i felt everything, felt it all at once
my mind was filled with negative thoughts
so many thoughts and feelings at once
i didn't stand a chance against myself
my entire body felt sore and my head was pounding
i cried uncontrollably and stared blankly at the ceiling
i couldn't breathe -- everything is a mess
so sick of never feeling good enough for a slight second
yesterday was horrible but though i barely slept
i managed to drag myself out of bed this morning
covered up my pinching eyes and took off
just like any other morning

*(s.m)

it’s easy to put on
a smile and a laugh
but harder to wear it

but all you have to do
is put it on and then
everyone will believe you
that you no worries have
and everything is perfect

show your strength with just putting on a smile
a smile can cure all pain and tears
it can destroy all signs of weakness
just a simple smile

or can it … ?

*(s.m)

the worst part of having a bad day
is not being able to cry it out
the day has been complete ****
all you want is to scream and yell
but you don’t feel anything
you are numb
you can’t smile cause it takes too much energy
but you can’t cry either cause you don’t feel anything
you’re just paralyzed
your heart is aching
and you can’t breathe
can I please just to cry it out the next time?

*(s.m)

you see,
that’s the problem
with being the strong one
who always offers others
a hand
everyone thinks that you
don’t need a hand and
they think you have lots
of surplus energy and no
worries

*(s.m)

I’m scared to look into your eyes
I told you all along that I’m fine
with a big fat smile on my face
but now you’re asking me to look
into your eyes and tell you the truth
But I can’t cause you’ll see all the pain
that I’ve been trying to hide with my
big fat smile
And you’ll see the blur in my eyes
I’m scared because you won’t ever
be able to understand all the pain
that I’ve gone through in my life
so I will end up getting hurt and
even more scared to look into
someone else’s eyes
so I just go with a big fat smile
and *I’m fine

she gave me a piece of paper
and told me to write it all down
all my thoughts and my feelings
and explain all my demons inside
all the pain that occurs in my body
just write it down for me she said
stared at the blank piece of paper
paper that was white as pure snow
and it was still blank after hours
but that explains it very well though
i don’t feel anything

*(s.m)

everything hurts
i can’t seem to find the reason
just wanna scream my lungs out
i need someone to lean on
someone to depend on
i need a hug
but yet i just wanna be alone
away from everyone
it feels like i’m about to break into a million pieces

*(s.m)

i can’t cry anymore
it’s like there’s no more fluid in my body
i miss it though
feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks
and showing people how i really feel
but now they don’t have a clue
cause i can’t show them

*(s.m)

i don’t know what’s going on anymore
i don’t care about anything
i’ve lost my motivation for life
i’m confused, i don’t know how i feel
can’t explain it in any way
i feel empty and my world seems dark
feels like no one understand
there’s just nothing to look forward to anymore

*(s.m)

I’m ready to go
leave it all behind
just forget everything
everything I was ever taught
and just
start over
I don’t belong here

I need adventures
and mistakes
mistakes I can learn from
and to get better

I need you
please come with me
stand behind me
catch me if I fall
or rather,
when I fall
please
I need you

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see is the smile on my lips
But how long will it take you before
you will look deep into my eyes
and realize that you didn’t check good enough
Have you seen my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the blue color
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

when i wake up in the morning
i feel the ache in my chest
i know i must get out of bed
but instead i just sit on the edge
of my bed starring out into nothing
hearing my brain scream
that i need to get up and get ready
i also hear my dad yelling that i need
to get up if i don’t wanna be late
part of me really doesn’t care
but the other part is taking over
and somehow i get up and
drag myself to the shower
i also drag myself out in the car
waiting for the very last minut
before i leave the driveway
i go all day trying to act like
i’m doing okay and i’ve actually
slept through the night
which i haven’t done in quite a while
when i go to bed in the evening
i feel the ache in my whole body
i scream silently and i shed
lonely silent tears as i fall asleep

*(s.m)

no one will ever take you serious
unless you cry your heart out
no one has ever taken me serious
i’ve taught myself not to cry
so i just sit there and feel my heart
and it’s breaking into a million pieces

*(s.m)

i have days where
i don’t smile
my tears fall
like raindrops
my voice breaks
everytime i try to talk
only seeking comfort
in my dreams
it’s impossible to
cheer me up
spending a whole day in bed
my thoughts are hidden
just curled up in the dark
i have days
where i'm just in a dark place

*(s.m)

days are going by not feeling like days
annoying obstacles needing to be faced
my world is b&w;, the colors have faded
i feel overwhelmingly numb constantly
waking up every day into a nightmare
just wanting to go straight back to bed
days does not feel like days anymore

*(s.m)

i have days where
i don’t wanna talk to anyone
i don’t wanna smile or fake being happy
i don’t know why, i can’t explain it
i have days where i just wanna be alone
stay in bed all day and not move one inch
when you’re alone no one will ask you
what is wrong? or try to understand or
won't take i don’t know what’s wrong for an answer
i feel the way i feel just because i do
for anything in the world i want that feeling to pass
everyone says it just takes more time
so can i please just be left alone to wait

*(s.m)

sometimes it all just gets to much
i get so sad and upset that i can’t breathe
so how on earth do you expect me to talk
and tell you about all the demons inside me
when they are sitting on my lungs?

*(s.m)

i’ve learned that it’s best to just not say anything at all
cause telling other people won’t help one bit
it won’t change the fact that your life is hell
yes, they can listen to what you say and feel sorry for you
but they won’t ever understand what you’re going through
it just hurts that they know all this about you now
and you thought it would help talking to someone about it
but they can’t do anything besides listen and that’s not enough

*(s.m)

I don't know where I'm going
where I'm headed
I'm just going and going
out into the endless universe
into nothing
I'm not going anywhere
I'm trying to escape
But I can't
I wanna go
I wanna run
escape from here
but I'm not going anywhere no more
time is standing still
my feet are standing still
I can't move
I can't breathe
I'm breathing, but barely alive

*(s.m)

I’m tired of faking smiles
even more tired of you believing them
believing they are true
how can you not see underneath
you were taught to see it
and still you can’t
I’m disappointed
I need you to see me
to see and help me
please
open your eyes
look into mine
look beneath
beneath my fake glimpse
I’m not smiling anymore
Am I?

*(s.m)

I can’t talk to you about this cause if I did
I would tell you that my heart is aching
and hurting so bad I just wanna rip it out
out of my chest with my own bare hands
I would tell you that I’m so depressed
that I sometimes wonder why I keep
fighting this battle with myself and I wonder
if it’ll ever stop hurting the way it does now
If we talked about this I would fall apart
and I don’t have time to fall apart cause
I’m busy holding myself together with tape and glue

*(s.m)

they all think i was fixed last year
that 6 talks with a therapist was enough
that i’m happier than ever and therapy
can solve anything in a few weeks

bs, depression isn’t just something
that goes away just like that
it never goes away, it haunts you
for the rest of your life

so put your glasses on and look
into my eyes and tell me if I look
fine
my heart is aching and i’m anything
but fine

*(s.m)

I’m trying my hardest
just don’t seem to succeed
I’m tired
but I can’t sleep
I’m stuck in reverse
with tears streaming down
down my face
there's no lights to guide me
to guide me home
someone come and fix me
fix me now

she is so lonely
sitting over there
in the corner by
herself
her so called friends
are more worried about
themselves  
than about their friend
who’s hurting herself
and hiding from them
she’s dropping hints
but no one picks up
they simply don’t care
she’s been hurting for so long
that she’s numb inside
she doesn’t feel pain anymore
she’s used to it and used to
being ignored and left out
the only time that she feels
anything is when her eyes
lets out floods of tears

*(s.m)

one girl asks me what happened and if i’m okay
but what she doesn't know is that i heard them
i heard them whisper about me and pointing fingers
they are curious and need something new to gossip about
so i tell her everything is fine and nothing happened
she looks at me and tells me everything isn’t fine
i look at the other girls who is standing in the corner
whispering and laughing, trying to hear what i'm saying
and I scream on the top of my lungs
no everything is not fine, but you don’t care one bit
you just need something to gossip about and something
that you can start rumors about and make me look bad
so I just go with “I’m fine" because none of you give a ****

*(s.m)

I can’t stand up anymore
i’m dizzy and falling to the
ground
i’m falling apart
will i ever stop crying
will it ever stop hurting
will it ever stop haunting me
will i ever be happy again
i don’t remember the last time
i felt happiness
i need hope and faith
belief
i will be happy again

*(s.m)

my father broke my heart
before any guy ever had a chance
it’s hard to trust someone
and to let people in
not because you are scared
that they will break your heart
because part of you know they will
i mean, that’s what you’ve grown up with, right?
but also because you don’t wanna
risk that chance of hurting yourself
you’ve learned to protect yourself
by distancing people from you
it’s the easy way out, but also
the safest for yourself

*(s.m)

people usually ask me
if I’m headed home
i always answer them yes
but i keep thinking no
cause my home is not here
it’s 5000 miles away
and no one understands
that i don’t feel at home here
i’m homesick

*(s.m)

There's times when I feel like I can't breathe.
I feel uncomfortable in my own body, like I don't belong there. It's like there's a different person inside of me and she just got into the wrong body.
I wanna pull the hair out of my head.
I wanna be strong and hide it all, but it's getting to hard.
I'm trying and I'm trying.
Trying not to burst into tears in front of you and everyone else. It makes me feel weak. But as soon as I hit the shower and the water is running. I'm bursting. The tears are streaming down my face.
I can't walk around holding it all in all the time. But I don't have time to cry. I need to be strong for myself. I'm not a weak person.
My makeup is hiding my weakness and my oversized clothes is hiding my confidens. Telling people I like my clothes baggy and not sticky is just a bad excuse.
Sometimes I feel like I can see scars on my arms, and everyone can see right through me. I feel like I need to hide myself away. I'm not worthy showing. I absolutely hate it. I can't remember the last time I felt pretty and comfortable.
Going to school makes my stomach knot. Everything turns black and white. People judging me and starring at me when I step in the door.
I'm not me. I can't be me, there's not room for me. I don't fit in. I'm lost. I don't know where the hell I am or where I'm supposed to be.
Is there a place out there in the world where I truly belong?
I'm scared that I won't ever find that place.
I wonder if there's anyone out there who likes me and accepts me for who I am.
I don't know where to go. I feel trapped and locked up.
My heart says I wanna go but my head says don't.
I can't breathe.

I told myself I didn’t need you
so I tried crossing the bridge
but it fell down,
right beneath my feet
now I’m stuck here
in this ice cold lake
I don’t know
which side to swim to
I’m stuck in the middle
but then I remembered
I can’t even swim
I need someone to come
come and save me
save me from this ice cold lake

*(s.m)

I know exactly how it feels
trust me on this one when I say,
I know how long the wait is
waiting for everyone to go to sleep
waiting to be alone
so you can fall apart and
put down the fake smile
let the tears stream down your face
I know how that pain feels
knowing that it’s all your own fault
I know how it feels
to be tired all the time
the endless tiredness
no amount of sleep is enough
I know how it feels
to keep lying and trying
I know how tiring it gets
and how tiring it is to keep
breathing

*(s.m)

my thoughts are like cars racing faster than light
my not so balanced life is over flowing
the door to my mind is locked,
and the key is missing
i can’t find any answers before I find it
the lights in my eyes are broken
the cranes holding up my lips are not strong enough
the ink in my fingers is used up,
now they are just bleeding out the ink
my life is one big equation,
that doesn’t seem to be able to solve
i’m swallowing my words as shots
i’m feelling drunk
and I wake up every day,
with a very bad hangover
remembering what yesterday was like
and the pain is making me wanna drink again
it’s an evil never ending circle

*(s.m)

i'm just done
done with it all

i've cried and fought
so hard for years now
but now everything is falling apart
i feel it all crashing down beneath my feet

something is eating me up from inside
and i don’t have the strength anymore
to keep fighting back

i'm done

*(s.m)

I wanna leave
just for a little while
see who and how many actually cares
cares enough
see when they're gonna realize that I left
how they'll react
will they react?
I doubt it all
I wanna see from upon
and then come back after a little while

*(s.m)

i’ve taught myself not to cry
not to fall apart in public
to fake a spark in my eyes
to make everyone believe
I’m okay
i ask everyone around me
if they are okay and if they
need help
but no one notices that the one
who needs help and to be asked
is me

*(s.m)

Where is everybody?
They keep telling me they are here
here for me
but they never are
lies and broken promises
I’m starting to doubt
is anyone out there?
truthful and actually here?

*(s.m)

i’m just so tired...
i wish the world would just be
quiet
nothing but silent
no screaming - yelling - noices
or voices
i wish the world
and the voices in my head
would just shut up and be quiet
give me some rest for once
is that really too much to ask for?

*(s.m)

i can’t tell them
they won’t understand
i don’t even understand myself

*(s.m)

why is it that I can’t leave my things
without you having to open them
they are mine, and they are personal
they will scare you and make you cry
so for your own good, don’t open them
my world is darker than the color black
you have never been where i am and
you will never understand it so don’t,
leave my things alone, they are mine

*(s.m)

Lets forget about tomorrow
lets forget about all our troubles
and all our worries
come on
help me
and I'll help you
I'll be right here with you
lets do it
just for a little while
I have faith in you
you can do it
just close your eyes
breathe in
you can do it
lets forget about tomorrow
lets forget about all our troubles
and all our worries

*(s.m)

"Chin up"
"Think positive"
"You'll get through this"
"Everything will be okay"
But what if I don't get through all this?
What if everything won't be okay?
"I'm here anytime"
But the truth is,
You are not here
So why bother telling me that?
Why bother lying to me and hurting me?

(s.m)

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the deep blue
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)