I
I
I
look at me, me, me
And we fail to see,
Attention is the new "drug".
And thus we believe we deserve the best while aiming for mediocrity.
The "I generation"
Defined by our need to feel special
We post, tag and snapchat to feed our addictions
But nothing ever satisfies
Just one more hit
and I’ll be done with this
Just one more like
and one more time
But we fail to realize we’re slowly dying inside
as life
Passes us by.

I am a simple bystander.

Upon my slightly rough surface rests libations
Libations sometimes full of color
and others devoid of any light

Along for the ride one minute he or she is calm or quiet
Quiet, and the next moody
Moody or wildly mad with passion
Passion for words sometimes strung in nonsensical or hardly decipherable sentences
Sentences forming the harmonious song of social interaction

In this I delight.

On my course surface games are made,
Challenges are placed,
Games and challenges are played, and it all ends with uproarious laughter.

On my grainy surface words are sometimes written
Written along with shapes and symbols
Symbols which for reasons unknown increase my value ten fold

In the morning I am desired and required
Desired and required I am sought
In the morning I am loved.

I am a simple bystander,
In this I delight.

They say we’re crazy
Chasing stupid millennial dreams
Too far fetched they seem and sometimes we agree
But secretly we hope and pray they become reality

Excuse the interruption but does this sound familiar for anybody else?

“Big house on its second mortgage, and a camper for when we feel like downsizing prison.
Cars each on a different loan, manicured lawn because we must show status in everything we own.
Monday, he cheated with the bottle and she cheated in her heart
Tuesday, sister came home late, crying her eyes out because the arms of her last lover were just like her fathers.
Wednesday was surprisingly peaceful, but unnerving, as sunny days were far and few between and I was thinking this was just the calm before the storm.
Thursday I saw father sitting on the floor his last straw a piece of paper "final notice" printed in red
Friday mother sat in the car for an extra twenty minutes starring blankly at the door contemplating her life
Saturday was fight night
Sunday we went to church and pretended it was all alright”

I’m sorry if my pursuit in life is simply this: Happiness.
If it looks like a retrofitted van and I live like a *** because I never want to fight about little green men
Or, if it was a tiny home that her and I could reasonably afford on land far away from the city lights and temptations that come at night
You could say It’s something about the fights we could hear through thick walls that drove us mad inside
And now we chase peace and calm, love and happiness, through any means
Because that’s something that cannot be bought despite our parents thoughts.

As I recall I was five the first time I met the monster in disguise
He threw my brother's plate to the ground
He told him to eat off the floor like the dog that he was
Then kicked him while he was down
He laughed and he laughed at the spectacle taking place
And I cried and I cried for my brother’s sake

The very next morning I stared up at him from his lap
I was trying to see if it was the man or a mask

A few months later I had my answer as the man was hitting home runs
On my brother’s flesh and bones
He smiled like a jester as my brother was ******* his pants
We rode in silence to Sunday school
And I saw it happen clear as day when the monster slipped on the mask of my father
The one I knew and loved

A couple years later and a thousand more tears
My mother wept as she answered the call
The monster had drawn the last straw
As he took my brothers innocence during the night in that hotel room

Then they came like angels and whisked us away
The men dressed in suites with badges of authority
We were safe for the first time

As I look back I still miss the mask but not the man

I lie awake tonight
sleep eludes my restless mind
I think and dream of a future bigger than me
racing to and fro; fantasies
tease
tempt and
taunt me to grab the reigns of my destiny
hold fast, grip tight, and never let go.

I remember the nights I laid my head on your fur
I cried and you soaked up my tears
When I had let out all my pain you licked my face

You never had to say a word but I knew you understood
Better than anyone ever could
You were my buddy and I was you boy

When I heard the news my heart sank
It’s my turn to worry about you
Comfort you now that you’re in pain
I’ve grown and become a man
But you’re still my buddy and I’m still your boy

And I’m lying awake tonight crying my eyes out and I miss your fur
I want you next to me but I’m trying not to let you see
You’ll worry and that’s not your job
It never was
I just needed a friend…

She had a porcelain complexion
But make no objection
She was perfection
She had soft doe eyes
And a smile that could light up the night
Sometimes
We would lie awake
Stay up late
Talking till the morning started peaking through my stupid shades
Her soul was truthful
It was beautiful
But somewhere along the line someone broke her so now she tries to hide
Behind
Little thin white lies
And a harsh abbrassive guise
In reality
She loves deeply,
Softly
And completely
But I never loved her because she couldn't let me

The air is warm and soft, the moon is bright and I dream of you
my mind is far away

On nights like this I think of you,
and sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too

The stars twinkle and dance in the distance and I think of how your beautiful eyes shimmer with life
The animals of the night chatter away in perfect harmony I think of our conversations spinning tales of the past and sharing dreams of the future
I close my eyes and imagine your vibrant voice

On nights like this I think of you
and sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too

The crisp breeze surrounds my heart and lightly caresses my skin
I think of your graceful lips and long for your kiss

On nights like this I think of you
and sometimes I wander if you're thinking of me too

I wonder when I will see you again I ache for your presence
I count the days as time reluctantly ticks by

On nights like this I think of you.

The streets ran red with blood
And hate reared its ugly head.
But we fail to see the pain and sorrow deep within the hearts of the afflicted.
Silence the noise, strip away accusations of guilt or innocence and what we see is the tears shed in the aftermath by the families of those who lost their lives.

The ground weeps uncontrollably as it welcomes home vessels once carrying the souls of those that were taken long before their time.
Let us see the individuals rather than their badge or skin color and let us empathize with one another over the tragedies and atrocities recently taken place.

Hate invites hate and we must change our ways and not spew it forth in unbridled rage
Let us spread unconditional love because our words and actions ripple far beyond our control
furthermore love covers a multitude of sins and we must not forget this

If these words do not carry weight
At the very least let this be known
If we must hate
Hate the sin corrupting lives
But in a turn of events let us love one another even our enemies for what they are,
Creations of God
Equal in every right.

3am girl
Tell me you fears,
open your heart.
I won't judge,
And maybe
I'll show you my scars

The morning after is always quiet, as she works tirelessly
Burying her thoughts and her words in her work
While he sits emotionless, purposefully oblivious
Lying to himself that the bottle isn’t a problem
His eyes have certain emptiness inside
She plays strong but could cry on the drop of a dime
I try and hide, make myself small stay outa sight
A childhood defensive technique, trying not to die
Ya fight night bell ringing
Downstairs as they screaming
Crowd of two crying
Cause these walls ain’t thick enough
The music ain’t loud enough
The cuts ain’t deep enough
To drown out the voices
Cause long after they stop
They’ll ring out
Inside my mind,
I try not to fall back in time
Hands shaking, eyes crying, lips lying, mind wishing
It would all be all right; things would work out, and in the morning I would wake from this dreadful dream of mine.

Please don’t love me.
I’m begging you, for my own selfish reasons, just don’t bother.
Of pain and sorrow I was a masterful author.
I in the minds eye painted false dreams upon a wishing star
And held her heart but I wasn’t right so my name became just another scar
If you care for me please don’t love me.
My heart is fragile and full of regret,
For things I said,
things I did,
things I wish I’d done,
things I should have said
I’m sorry,
My brain wont let me forget
So I’ll just keep these words close on my lips.

Standing in the doorway I see the man larger than life lying in the bed
Tubes running from his hands and head.
I had heard the news but couldn’t believe it was true.

Sitting in the chair I listen to the familiar raspy voice,
But it’s so weak and soft, everything this man is not.
Tears brimming my eyes I hung my head low
I want to cry,
I want to scream,
I want to wake from this terrible dream.

I couldn’t bear the sight of this man weak and feeble
I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him
So I said he would be fine, just keep hanging on
Before you know it we’ll be back to those projects left incomplete
I’ll tell you then how much you mean to me
I’ll say everything I always wanted you to know
But not until you’re out of this white wall death lingering hell hole

Standing in the doorway I saw the life slipping away
But couldn’t accept what was right in front of me
There is so much left unsaid but life is short is what they say
I prayed that he would have more time that day
But we all have to go soon or later

I love you grandpa
I don’t know if you realize it but you were like a father to me
If it weren’t for you I would have walked a very different path
I listened whenever you talked because I wanted to be just like you
In fact if I can be half the man you were I would be proud of who I am

I wish I had could have said what was on my mind
But life is short and it was simply your time
I love you but I must put my regrets to rest
Say my final goodbye
And though you’ll always be in my heart
Your memory won’t have the painful sting of things left unsaid.
I love you grandpa,

Goodbye…

Dear “I used to know”
I saw you in the crowd and you glare at me now
Your smile is gone ever since I moved on

I’m sorry for the scars written on your heart
I know they’re in my hand but I can’t take them back

I’m sorry you still see me through a nostalgic rose-colored lens
But I won’t let you drag me back
I keep my eyes locked on my narrow path

I said I loved you then and I never lied
I planned on forever and happy ever after
But there were things I couldn’t ignore

I’m over it
I’m done with this

We had our good times
and now
we’ve said our goodbyes
It’s time to move on
It’s time to let go

3am Girl,
stay with me tonight
teach me the rhythm of your heart
show me the steps of your affection
and dance with me the lovers dance.

I loved you and I never lied

We walked the nights under neon lights, and you showed me the other side of life
We ran wild and crazy through the streets, then crashed hard and talked real deep
Oh and you kissed me under the sheets

You made me feel alive
And you were a breath of fresh air upon my lungs
I thought for sure you were the one I was looking for all this time
So we danced and dipped and sometimes tripped but we sang endless songs

I loved you and I never lied
But I’m sorry I chose to walk so blind

You held me close but I felt alone and I couldn’t say exactly why, believe me I tried
You gave me the love I never had but you tore me apart time and time and time again
Oh and I only ever got half-truths and drunken confessions

You broke my heart more than once
You broke my trust half a dozen times
So you cried those beautiful tears and we kissed to make up
And I forgave you because I’m a sucker for those eyes
But we crossed the line and for that I truly apologize

I loved you and I never lied
But you were killing me all the time

So I said my last goodbye
Moved out of state because I needed the space
And now that I’m gone I’m glad I moved on
I hope you’re doing well and I’m sorry you’re going through hell
But the world has a way, and what goes around comes around, is what they say

If love is a drug than I don't want it.
cause I got a gypsy soul for leaving
and a mothers heart for scars in need of healing

If love is a drug than I don't want it.
Because I got no self control,
An addict mind and habits ages old

She fell hard for the man in the dark
Wondered if he would come visit her soon someday
She cried for a while, as she lied awake
With her heart full of scars
Wishing he would come take her away

Then a wild idea formed in her head
If he weren’t coming, then she would go to him
With a blade in her hand she had the perfect plan
She set the mood with hero in her soul and sang this little hymn

Oh come now the man of my dreams
The one I see when I sleep
Hold me close and we’ll run away
Setting my old life ablaze

Oh come now speak softly to me
My heart is heavy and my soul is weary
This life has gotten my best
And it has given me its worst

Oh Come now and hold me still
In your arms I’ll take my rest
I swear I’ll never have my fill
With you there is no contest

The room blurred and the blood ran red
As she fell to the floor
She saw the shadow man come to the door
As she took her last breathe

In the aftermath when memories and futures crumble
Her heart will break,
Her heart will cry
And so will her eyes

He
Is blind
His heart lies
And he is gullible
Words and actions say he’s fine

Days,
And weeks,
And months pass bye;
And his lies cannot stand the test of time
And her heart is mended
She is fine

He misses her
          She is gone

Angel Eyes with the Devil living inside
would you leave me be because I can't sleep
I lie awake at night with you on my mind
replaying the time when you kissed me under the sheets

Excuse me,
Would it trouble you terribly so
If I barrowed this seat
This empty seat
And,
If I may impose can I steal a minute, or three?

And I simply must ask the name by which you have chosen.
For it will be known
That on this crisp morning of little significance by time
Or season,
I was given the name of an angel.

Ahah!
Yes!
Infect me with your smile
The whimsical one I spied from across this very room.

Oh but please, don’t hide your smile so lovely,
For I crave it already
And besides,
Your eyes simply cannot lie!

But wait!
You twirl your hair?
Do I make you nervous?
Surely it’s the contrary,
I swear!

You see my heart is a flutter and my stomach is churning
My mind is racing
And I am just hoping
Hoping you won’t notice

My palms are sweaty
I am speaking far too quickly,
Or that my foot is subconsciously tip-tap tapping away

But despite my anxiety threatening to steal my lips I must press on

Where were you born?
What city or town, did you or do you call home?
And I hope I’m not intruding
But do you come from a small or large family?

You ask my name and return every question in kind but I assure you my answers are rather unimportant,
And besides our time is short
And my heart is burning
I fear I cannot wait a second or minute longer

So I ask before I go
May I share another conversation over breakfast or dinner?
For it really doesn’t matter

And if you answer “no”
Just know that I will be fine
For I feared I hardly had a chance.

Scratch that
My heart will break and cry
But it comes as no surprise.

But with your fair grace I have my answer
And with elation and dread I chance to see you again.

3am
Loneliness is my bittersweet companion.
Tears well up inside
My mind ponders endless what-if’s and I lack the will to resist
My fingers patter away forming words and sometimes, coherent thoughts
I hope that in some way
Someone
Might understand the words I type

Sometimes I hope that in-between the lines I will find
A friend, or family, or unlikely a lover, the first of her kind
The
First
True
Love

My wondering thoughts could hardly be called a poem or even a journal entry.
But
Maybe
In-between the lines
Art
Born from emotion,
Born from the depths of my aching heart.

Sometimes I just lie awake at night,
Staring up at the moon passing slow like,
The hope of first kisses,
And the dispair of last goodbyes.

If I could **** a memory
I'd **** the ones of you and me
Cause honestly,
none of them are worth remembering.

The good ones make me smile
but they call my heart a liar
And besides they were just a short reprieve

The bad ones keep me up at night
Wishing I could set things right
And they just cut me deeper still

Honestly,
I only stayed because I'm a sucker for a heart that needs healing

If I could **** a memory
would you let me sleep in peace
Would you please leave my dreams
and let me be.

Down the open road my future awaits,
68 miles per hour carries me along at a slumbering pace.
3 inches up, 5 to the right, and my past stares back at me, a city where dreams were born and died in less than a lifetime.

6 hours down and 20 more still, my heart sinks as I see the state line; this is my home how can I go?
Make a new life for myself I will
Dream a new dream what a thrill
Truly find who I am, and be still

15 hours past and 11 more to go, the tall trees and snow-capped mountains are fading away. The rolling grass hills and vibrant green trees stretch as far as the eye can see, but not a single word describes the sun, setting everything aglow.

6 left and my head isn’t a mess. My heart aches but I know I am not alone,
The air is soft and fresh from the recent rain, washing everything anew,
I have no regrets

Finally here, and for the first time everything seems clear
My heart races but my mind is calm,
I am renewed.

3am Girl,
tell me I'm not a fool,
to be falling for you…
tell me I won't get my heart broken,
worse than it has ever been.

Words, sonnets, and songs stick in my throat like glue
The feelings I posses must be proclaimed, but a way with words I do not have, and the way in which my words flow lack a certain… sophistication.

The images within desperately cry for an escape, but my unskilled strokes with a brush, a pen, even a pencil fail to capture images that try and take shape.  

Emotions welling up from the depths of my soul yearn for release yet I find no outlet for everything I feel, I see, and I think,
please, let this cease…

You might have gathered all this was to impress someone,
but I realized the father I was trying to impress, he was not like other father figures I had clung to.
You see my true father resides in heaven, and he,
He does not require grand gestures of love.
I came to realize that He just wanted to know me,
and talk with me
and surprisingly
He just wanted to love me.

At this, incomprehensible words of love spilled from my lips and to my astonishment the Holy Spirit, which I forgot to even ask how to express my feelings, lifted them up as if each syllable had wings,
and Jesus whom I also forgot,
His blood was before me,
and when my words rested upon my fathers ears they were sweet,
as if they were spoken from the lamb of God himself.

What kind of man, do you think I am
What do you see when you look at me
Would you call me your own when I stand before the throne

I wanna know
I have to know

When I look in the mirror all is see is the mistakes I've made
I see sins and transgressions that lead me away
I see broken peaces held together with strings

I hold you to your promises
But I don't keep my word
I let the world seep in
And to the outside I play pretend

So I ask,
what kind of man do you think I am
So what do you see when you look at me
Most importantly,
Would you call me your own when I stand before your throne

I have to know
Give me the strength to know
Its killing me

If you see me the way I see
Then let Jesus stand before me
His blood washing me clean
 
God let me be a man empowered by thee
Lord break my heart for what breaks yours
Emanuel please walk with me.

Walk with me
Walk with me
Walk with me
And we will go and see

I saw you again,
You led me by the hand
And
Kissed me
Tenderly
Soft, and
Lovingly

As I awoke I knew it was you.
I remember your smile and the way you laughed
I remember the feeling of your hand wrapped in mine
I remember the warmth of your embrace

Most of all I remember your sparkling eyes
Like daggers piercing my heart
Exposing
Secrets and scars

Dawn disrupts me,

The sun the cruelest of thieves it must truly be
My heart aches and to my dismay I can only wait
For that fateful day