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Feb 2018 · 851
Broken girl
Matthew A Cain Feb 2018
She had a porcelain complexion
But make no objection
She was perfection
She had soft doe eyes
And a smile that could light up the night
We would lie awake
Stay up late
Talking till the morning started peaking through my stupid shades
Her soul was truthful
It was beautiful
But somewhere along the line someone broke her so now she tries to hide
Little thin white lies
And a harsh abbrassive guise
In reality
She loves deeply,
And completely
But I never loved her because she couldn't let me
The other night I had a dream reminding me of this girl I knew once. She was special and beautiful in so many ways but she was hard to love because she didn't believe she deserved love in any meaningful way.
I don't know whatever happened to her because she long cut ties with all her old friends and I haven't heard from her since. I still think about her at times though and hope she is doing well.
Dec 2017 · 444
Dangerous Thoughts
Matthew A Cain Dec 2017
She fell hard for the man in the dark
Wondered if he would come visit her soon someday
She cried for a while, as she lied awake
With her heart full of scars
Wishing he would come take her away

Then a wild idea formed in her head
If he weren’t coming, then she would go to him
With a blade in her hand she had the perfect plan
She set the mood with hero in her soul and sang this little hymn

Oh come now the man of my dreams
The one I see when I sleep
Hold me close and we’ll run away
Setting my old life ablaze

Oh come now speak softly to me
My heart is heavy and my soul is weary
This life has gotten my best
And it has given me its worst

Oh Come now and hold me still
In your arms I’ll take my rest
I swear I’ll never have my fill
With you there is no contest

The room blurred and the blood ran red
As she fell to the floor
She saw the shadow man come to the door
As she took her last breathe
This Poem was for a friend that went through some very difficult times in her younger years and thankfully her suicide attempt was not successful. She is a happy person now and we have had many talks on this subject as I too have gone through deep depression and considered this tragic ending a few times but never went through with it
Nov 2017 · 519
Love is a Drug
Matthew A Cain Nov 2017
If love is a drug than I don't want it.
cause I got a gypsy soul for leaving
and a mothers heart for scars in need of healing

If love is a drug than I don't want it.
Because I got no self control,
An addict mind and habits ages old
Love has always been an intoxicating idea. I recognize that I find corrosive people to satisfy my temporary state of mind. When midnight comes calling and I'm all alone I seek out relationships to keep me high. I seek love but find a cheep substitute drug in the form of infatuation and lust. Most times I can't tell when it's the substitute and when it's the real thing so I simply try and never take the plunge in the first place never take the first hit. I keep everyone at arms distance because I'll never be addicted to the fake thing if I never take a hit. consequently I'll never get that real high and so I die with my extroverted mind driving me insane as I look for connection but can't let anyone in.
Aug 2017 · 671
Quiet Mornings
Matthew A Cain Aug 2017
The morning after is always quiet, as she works tirelessly
Burying her thoughts and her words in her work
While he sits emotionless, purposefully oblivious
Lying to himself that the bottle isn’t a problem
His eyes have certain emptiness inside
She plays strong but could cry on the drop of a dime
I try and hide, make myself small stay outa sight
A childhood defensive technique, trying not to die
Ya fight night bell ringing
Downstairs as they screaming
Crowd of two crying
Cause these walls ain’t thick enough
The music ain’t loud enough
The cuts ain’t deep enough
To drown out the voices
Cause long after they stop
They’ll ring out
Inside my mind,
I try not to fall back in time
Hands shaking, eyes crying, lips lying, mind wishing
It would all be all right; things would work out, and in the morning I would wake from this dreadful dream of mine.
Jul 2017 · 318
Am I worthy?
Matthew A Cain Jul 2017
What kind of man, do you think I am
What do you see when you look at me
Would you call me your own when I stand before the throne

I wanna know
I have to know

When I look in the mirror all is see is the mistakes I've made
I see sins and transgressions that lead me away
I see broken peaces held together with strings

I hold you to your promises
But I don't keep my word
I let the world seep in
And to the outside I play pretend

So I ask,
what kind of man do you think I am
So what do you see when you look at me
Most importantly,
Would you call me your own when I stand before your throne

I have to know
Give me the strength to know
Its killing me

If you see me the way I see
Then let Jesus stand before me
His blood washing me clean
God let me be a man empowered by thee
Lord break my heart for what breaks yours
Emanuel please walk with me.

Walk with me
Walk with me
Walk with me
And we will go and see
Just some thoughts I had while working today. I got home and couldn't wait to put cords to it and it turned out beautifully.
Jul 2017 · 1.6k
Millennial Dreams
Matthew A Cain Jul 2017
They say we’re crazy
Chasing stupid millennial dreams
Too far fetched they seem and sometimes we agree
But secretly we hope and pray they become reality

Excuse the interruption but does this sound familiar for anybody else?

“Big house on its second mortgage, and a camper for when we feel like downsizing prison.
Cars each on a different loan, manicured lawn because we must show status in everything we own.
Monday, he cheated with the bottle and she cheated in her heart
Tuesday, sister came home late, crying her eyes out because the arms of her last lover were just like her fathers.
Wednesday was surprisingly peaceful, but unnerving, as sunny days were far and few between and I was thinking this was just the calm before the storm.
Thursday I saw father sitting on the floor his last straw a piece of paper "final notice" printed in red
Friday mother sat in the car for an extra twenty minutes starring blankly at the door contemplating her life
Saturday was fight night
Sunday we went to church and pretended it was all alright”

I’m sorry if my pursuit in life is simply this: Happiness.
If it looks like a retrofitted van and I live like a *** because I never want to fight about little green men
Or, if it was a tiny home that her and I could reasonably afford on land far away from the city lights and temptations that come at night
You could say It’s something about the fights we could hear through thick walls that drove us mad inside
And now we chase peace and calm, love and happiness, through any means
Because that’s something that cannot be bought despite our parents thoughts.
I started out with a completely different poem but somehow it morphed into this as I delved into my thoughts. The more I think about my generation and our obsession with tiny homes and little joys in life I believe this is what drives us to this way of life.
Jun 2017 · 525
Matthew A Cain Jun 2017
Angel Eyes with the Devil living inside
would you leave me be because I can't sleep
I lie awake at night with you on my mind
replaying the time when you kissed me under the sheets
Jun 2017 · 620
Truth from a "Liar"
Matthew A Cain Jun 2017
I loved you and I never lied

We walked the nights under neon lights, and you showed me the other side of life
We ran wild and crazy through the streets, then crashed hard and talked real deep
Oh and you kissed me under the sheets

You made me feel alive
And you were a breath of fresh air upon my lungs
I thought for sure you were the one I was looking for all this time
So we danced and dipped and sometimes tripped but we sang endless songs

I loved you and I never lied
But I’m sorry I chose to walk so blind

You held me close but I felt alone and I couldn’t say exactly why, believe me I tried
You gave me the love I never had but you tore me apart time and time and time again
Oh and I only ever got half-truths and drunken confessions

You broke my heart more than once
You broke my trust half a dozen times
So you cried those beautiful tears and we kissed to make up
And I forgave you because I’m a sucker for those eyes
But we crossed the line and for that I truly apologize

I loved you and I never lied
But you were killing me all the time

So I said my last goodbye
Moved out of state because I needed the space
And now that I’m gone I’m glad I moved on
I hope you’re doing well and I’m sorry you’re going through hell
But the world has a way, and what goes around comes around, is what they say
Break up poems and love poems might be overplayed but they are really because we all deal with heartache. This one comes from the things I wish I could have said because I chose to take all the blame instead and continue to take the blame for all that happened
Apr 2017 · 590
Final Goodbyes
Matthew A Cain Apr 2017
Standing in the doorway I see the man larger than life lying in the bed
Tubes running from his hands and head.
I had heard the news but couldn’t believe it was true.

Sitting in the chair I listen to the familiar raspy voice,
But it’s so weak and soft, everything this man is not.
Tears brimming my eyes I hung my head low
I want to cry,
I want to scream,
I want to wake from this terrible dream.

I couldn’t bear the sight of this man weak and feeble
I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him
So I said he would be fine, just keep hanging on
Before you know it we’ll be back to those projects left incomplete
I’ll tell you then how much you mean to me
I’ll say everything I always wanted you to know
But not until you’re out of this white wall death lingering hell hole

Standing in the doorway I saw the life slipping away
But couldn’t accept what was right in front of me
There is so much left unsaid but life is short is what they say
I prayed that he would have more time that day
But we all have to go soon or later

I love you grandpa
I don’t know if you realize it but you were like a father to me
If it weren’t for you I would have walked a very different path
I listened whenever you talked because I wanted to be just like you
In fact if I can be half the man you were I would be proud of who I am

I wish I had could have said what was on my mind
But life is short and it was simply your time
I love you but I must put my regrets to rest
Say my final goodbye
And though you’ll always be in my heart
Your memory won’t have the painful sting of things left unsaid.
I love you grandpa,

When I was eighteen I lost my grandpa who was like a father to me since my father had long since been out of the picture. I loved him ever so dearly and at the time I couldn't accept life without him so I squandered my opportunity to tell him everything he meant to me and I always regretted that ever since. This piece is simply a small amount of what I wish I could have told him in person but it means so much to me. I still write him letters from time to time but it always hurts because I regret this time in my life so incredibly much. I hope with this I can remind myself to let go of that and simply remember the good and not let the regrets seep in.
Mar 2017 · 421
Matthew A Cain Mar 2017
If I could **** a memory
I'd **** the ones of you and me
Cause honestly,
none of them are worth remembering.

The good ones make me smile
but they call my heart a liar
And besides they were just a short reprieve

The bad ones keep me up at night
Wishing I could set things right
And they just cut me deeper still

I only stayed because I'm a sucker for a heart that needs healing

If I could **** a memory
would you let me sleep in peace
Would you please leave my dreams
and let me be.
Has anyone else ever had that one person that you know isn't good for you and never will be but you can't help but think about them and the way you wish things could have been?
Feb 2017 · 953
Rose-colored words
Matthew A Cain Feb 2017
If I could write like photographs
I'd write the sky
and all the colorful birds that fly
I'd write the night
and all the stars that twinkle and shine
I'd write your eyes
and the way they danced with life
Oh if only I could write like photographs
I'd calm my restless mind
with rose-colored words of images lost with time.
Although relationships almost always end for good reason that doesn't stop us from missing the other person no matter how bad they treated us or how bad the relationship actually was. The fact of the matter is we are dreamers and we remember the happy memories and what we wished it could have been.
Jan 2017 · 549
Empty mind journal #1
Matthew A Cain Jan 2017
Sometimes I just lie awake at night,
Staring up at the moon passing slow like,
The hope of first kisses,
And the dispair of last goodbyes.
Dec 2016 · 704
I'm not a good bet
Matthew A Cain Dec 2016
Please don’t love me.
I’m begging you, for my own selfish reasons, just don’t bother.
Of pain and sorrow I was a masterful author.
I in the minds eye painted false dreams upon a wishing star
And held her heart but I wasn’t right so my name became just another scar
If you care for me please don’t love me.
My heart is fragile and full of regret,
For things I said,
things I did,
things I wish I’d done,
things I should have said
I’m sorry,
My brain wont let me forget
So I’ll just keep these words close on my lips.
I recently broke things off with a girl (3am girl) that I truly cared for and at times loved but we weren't right despite what she said. As time went on after the separation I realized I gave her false hopes and dreams that were not right for me to say. I spend a lot of time alone right now because I need time for me and I can't stand the idea of anyone loving me again because I can't stand the idea of hurting anyone else. God is my companion now and I hope someday someone else will join that mix but I can't do the heart break anymore.
Jul 2016 · 1.1k
Love covers all
Matthew A Cain Jul 2016
The streets ran red with blood
And hate reared its ugly head.
But we fail to see the pain and sorrow deep within the hearts of the afflicted.
Silence the noise, strip away accusations of guilt or innocence and what we see is the tears shed in the aftermath by the families of those who lost their lives.

The ground weeps uncontrollably as it welcomes home vessels once carrying the souls of those that were taken long before their time.
Let us see the individuals rather than their badge or skin color and let us empathize with one another over the tragedies and atrocities recently taken place.

Hate invites hate and we must change our ways and not spew it forth in unbridled rage
Let us spread unconditional love because our words and actions ripple far beyond our control
furthermore love covers a multitude of sins and we must not forget this

If these words do not carry weight
At the very least let this be known
If we must hate
Hate the sin corrupting lives
But in a turn of events let us love one another even our enemies for what they are,
Creations of God
Equal in every right.
With all that is going on in the world I wanted to writes something that speaks to my own soul when I find myself hating individuals that take innocent lives and I find that the hate begins to control my actions and words. In short this is a message more to myself to remember there are individuals behind these tragedies and to not let hate begin to control my life.
Jun 2016 · 626
Learning (3am Girl #3)
Matthew A Cain Jun 2016
3am Girl,
stay with me tonight
teach me the rhythm of your heart
show me the steps of your affection
and dance with me the lovers dance.
May 2016 · 1.2k
The Monster Under the Mask
Matthew A Cain May 2016
As I recall I was five the first time I met the monster in disguise
He threw my brother's plate to the ground
He told him to eat off the floor like the dog that he was
Then kicked him while he was down
He laughed and he laughed at the spectacle taking place
And I cried and I cried for my brother’s sake

The very next morning I stared up at him from his lap
I was trying to see if it was the man or a mask

A few months later I had my answer as the man was hitting home runs
On my brother’s flesh and bones
He smiled like a jester as my brother was ******* his pants
We rode in silence to Sunday school
And I saw it happen clear as day when the monster slipped on the mask of my father
The one I knew and loved

A couple years later and a thousand more tears
My mother wept as she answered the call
The monster had drawn the last straw
As he took my brothers innocence during the night in that hotel room

Then they came like angels and whisked us away
The men dressed in suites with badges of authority
We were safe for the first time

As I look back I still miss the mask but not the man
I decided to write this poem after some deliberation and thoughts about my childhood and I hoped that if anyone is in this situation that they will understand that sometimes its okay to love someone that has hurt you as often the person is not evil all the way through but ultimately its better if they are not in your life. This was the case with my father and I still love him but I recognize that the mask that I loved was more of my own imagination instead of the actual man that he was.
Apr 2016 · 968
Tear Soaked Fur
Matthew A Cain Apr 2016
I remember the nights I laid my head on your fur
I cried and you soaked up my tears
When I had let out all my pain you licked my face

You never had to say a word but I knew you understood
Better than anyone ever could
You were my buddy and I was you boy

When I heard the news my heart sank
It’s my turn to worry about you
Comfort you now that you’re in pain
I’ve grown and become a man
But you’re still my buddy and I’m still your boy

And I’m lying awake tonight crying my eyes out and I miss your fur
I want you next to me but I’m trying not to let you see
You’ll worry and that’s not your job
It never was
I just needed a friend…
I recently received news that my puppy that I got when I was 13yo has a massive cancerous tumor in his liver and spleen and has been given 3 months prognosis. I am heartbroken as this dog got me through all the tough times I had during high school and all the frustrations that go along with that. He got me through loosing my hate for my father and my past of abuse and he got me through loosing my grandfather who stepped up when my real dad was finally removed from the home by CPS workers. I'm gonna miss my pup so incredibly much and I hoped that I could write something that would capture his personality and our relationship
Apr 2016 · 971
Restless Pondering
Matthew A Cain Apr 2016
I lie awake tonight
sleep eludes my restless mind
I think and dream of a future bigger than me
racing to and fro; fantasies
tempt and
taunt me to grab the reigns of my destiny
hold fast, grip tight, and never let go.
Apr 2016 · 407
Falling (3am Girl #2)
Matthew A Cain Apr 2016
3am Girl,
tell me I'm not a fool,
to be falling for you…
tell me I won't get my heart broken,
worse than it has ever been.
second installment in the 3am girl series.
Mar 2016 · 5.4k
"I Generation"
Matthew A Cain Mar 2016
look at me, me, me
And we fail to see,
Attention is the new "drug".
And thus we believe we deserve the best while aiming for mediocrity.
The "I generation"
Defined by our need to feel special
We post, tag and snapchat to feed our addictions
But nothing ever satisfies
Just one more hit
and I’ll be done with this
Just one more like
and one more time
But we fail to realize we’re slowly dying inside
as life
Passes us by.
I know this topic is a bit played out but in honesty I get frustrated with my generation because we are starving for human interaction and we believe that we will find it on the other end of a wifi connection when in all reality friends surround us talking and trying to connect but to no avail and worst yet we spend half our time staring at a screen as our life passes us by and our addictions rob us of our youth and spontaneity.
Feb 2016 · 780
Honesty (3am girl #1)
Matthew A Cain Feb 2016
3am girl
Tell me you fears,
open your heart.
I won't judge,
And maybe
I'll show you my scars
1st in a series of poems about a girl that changed my "3am"
Matthew A Cain Feb 2016
Dear “I used to know”
I saw you in the crowd and you glare at me now
Your smile is gone ever since I moved on

I’m sorry for the scars written on your heart
I know they’re in my hand but I can’t take them back

I’m sorry you still see me through a nostalgic rose-colored lens
But I won’t let you drag me back
I keep my eyes locked on my narrow path

I said I loved you then and I never lied
I planned on forever and happy ever after
But there were things I couldn’t ignore

I’m over it
I’m done with this

We had our good times
and now
we’ve said our goodbyes
It’s time to move on
It’s time to let go
Jan 2016 · 893
Are You Thinking of Me Too?
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
The air is warm and soft, the moon is bright and I dream of you
my mind is far away

On nights like this I think of you,
and sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too

The stars twinkle and dance in the distance and I think of how your beautiful eyes shimmer with life
The animals of the night chatter away in perfect harmony I think of our conversations spinning tales of the past and sharing dreams of the future
I close my eyes and imagine your vibrant voice

On nights like this I think of you
and sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too

The crisp breeze surrounds my heart and lightly caresses my skin
I think of your graceful lips and long for your kiss

On nights like this I think of you
and sometimes I wander if you're thinking of me too

I wonder when I will see you again I ache for your presence
I count the days as time reluctantly ticks by

On nights like this I think of you.
Jan 2016 · 380
A fathers Love
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
Words, sonnets, and songs stick in my throat like glue
The feelings I posses must be proclaimed, but a way with words I do not have, and the way in which my words flow lack a certain… sophistication.

The images within desperately cry for an escape, but my unskilled strokes with a brush, a pen, even a pencil fail to capture images that try and take shape.  

Emotions welling up from the depths of my soul yearn for release yet I find no outlet for everything I feel, I see, and I think,
please, let this cease…

You might have gathered all this was to impress someone,
but I realized the father I was trying to impress, he was not like other father figures I had clung to.
You see my true father resides in heaven, and he,
He does not require grand gestures of love.
I came to realize that He just wanted to know me,
and talk with me
and surprisingly
He just wanted to love me.

At this, incomprehensible words of love spilled from my lips and to my astonishment the Holy Spirit, which I forgot to even ask how to express my feelings, lifted them up as if each syllable had wings,
and Jesus whom I also forgot,
His blood was before me,
and when my words rested upon my fathers ears they were sweet,
as if they were spoken from the lamb of God himself.
Jan 2016 · 537
1st Meeting
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
Excuse me,
Would it trouble you terribly so
If I barrowed this seat
This empty seat
If I may impose can I steal a minute, or three?

And I simply must ask the name by which you have chosen.
For it will be known
That on this crisp morning of little significance by time
Or season,
I was given the name of an angel.

Infect me with your smile
The whimsical one I spied from across this very room.

Oh but please, don’t hide your smile so lovely,
For I crave it already
And besides,
Your eyes simply cannot lie!

But wait!
You twirl your hair?
Do I make you nervous?
Surely it’s the contrary,
I swear!

You see my heart is a flutter and my stomach is churning
My mind is racing
And I am just hoping
Hoping you won’t notice

My palms are sweaty
I am speaking far too quickly,
Or that my foot is subconsciously tip-tap tapping away

But despite my anxiety threatening to steal my lips I must press on

Where were you born?
What city or town, did you or do you call home?
And I hope I’m not intruding
But do you come from a small or large family?

You ask my name and return every question in kind but I assure you my answers are rather unimportant,
And besides our time is short
And my heart is burning
I fear I cannot wait a second or minute longer

So I ask before I go
May I share another conversation over breakfast or dinner?
For it really doesn’t matter

And if you answer “no”
Just know that I will be fine
For I feared I hardly had a chance.

Scratch that
My heart will break and cry
But it comes as no surprise.

But with your fair grace I have my answer
And with elation and dread I chance to see you again.
Although a bit of a longer poem I wrote this with the intent to tell the story of meeting that special someone, that makes your heart leap and stomach churn, for the first time.
Jan 2016 · 515
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
Loneliness is my bittersweet companion.
Tears well up inside
My mind ponders endless what-if’s and I lack the will to resist
My fingers patter away forming words and sometimes, coherent thoughts
I hope that in some way
Might understand the words I type

Sometimes I hope that in-between the lines I will find
A friend, or family, or unlikely a lover, the first of her kind

My wondering thoughts could hardly be called a poem or even a journal entry.
In-between the lines
Born from emotion,
Born from the depths of my aching heart.
This is simply a useless babble that came to me on a restless night but somehow I thought that at least one other person might enjoy giving it a quick read.
Jan 2016 · 594
Remnants of Love
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
In the aftermath when memories and futures crumble
Her heart will break,
Her heart will cry
And so will her eyes

Is blind
His heart lies
And he is gullible
Words and actions say he’s fine

And weeks,
And months pass bye;
And his lies cannot stand the test of time
And her heart is mended
She is fine

He misses her
          She is gone
Jan 2016 · 2.2k
Bar Coaster
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
I am a simple bystander.

Upon my slightly rough surface rests libations
Libations sometimes full of color
and others devoid of any light

Along for the ride one minute he or she is calm or quiet
Quiet, and the next moody
Moody or wildly mad with passion
Passion for words sometimes strung in nonsensical or hardly decipherable sentences
Sentences forming the harmonious song of social interaction

In this I delight.

On my course surface games are made,
Challenges are placed,
Games and challenges are played, and it all ends with uproarious laughter.

On my grainy surface words are sometimes written
Written along with shapes and symbols
Symbols which for reasons unknown increase my value ten fold

In the morning I am desired and required
Desired and required I am sought
In the morning I am loved.

I am a simple bystander,
In this I delight.
Jan 2016 · 467
Future Road
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
Down the open road my future awaits,
68 miles per hour carries me along at a slumbering pace.
3 inches up, 5 to the right, and my past stares back at me, a city where dreams were born and died in less than a lifetime.

6 hours down and 20 more still, my heart sinks as I see the state line; this is my home how can I go?
Make a new life for myself I will
Dream a new dream what a thrill
Truly find who I am, and be still

15 hours past and 11 more to go, the tall trees and snow-capped mountains are fading away. The rolling grass hills and vibrant green trees stretch as far as the eye can see, but not a single word describes the sun, setting everything aglow.

6 left and my head isn’t a mess. My heart aches but I know I am not alone,
The air is soft and fresh from the recent rain, washing everything anew,
I have no regrets

Finally here, and for the first time everything seems clear
My heart races but my mind is calm,
I am renewed.
Jan 2016 · 329
Dream Girl
Matthew A Cain Jan 2016
I saw you again,
You led me by the hand
Kissed me
Soft, and

As I awoke I knew it was you.
I remember your smile and the way you laughed
I remember the feeling of your hand wrapped in mine
I remember the warmth of your embrace

Most of all I remember your sparkling eyes
Like daggers piercing my heart
Secrets and scars

Dawn disrupts me,

The sun the cruelest of thieves it must truly be
My heart aches and to my dismay I can only wait
For that fateful day

— The End —