There are days when I drown in emotion
When I bleed it out, with words on a sheet
The pain, the grief, the anger or envy
Regret, heartbreak, hatred till I'm replete.

So then I decide not to write again-
I don't want to swim in self-pity.
But I break; I cannot stop! How could I?
Poems bring out light when life is ******.

My words may be crude, they're surely broken,
With no rhythm, rhyme, or sense, many a time.
Yet they weave a thread that guides me ahead,
That holds me aloft when I cease to climb.

Someday no one will ask me "How'd YOU get here?"
"Who helped you? Whose reference did you find?"
Someday no one will ask me "Are you sure?"
"Are you sure you can get out of this grind?"
Someday no one will tell me "No, you can't"
"You're not made for this, you're too **** stupid."
Someday no one can tell me "You're too scared"
"You won't ever find love, cursed by Cupid."

One day they'll look above and be blinded
Deafened, tongues struck dumb, speechless to their core
I'll have forged my way with grit and power
They'll reel with swallowed words bruising them sore
I'll have won my battles, winning the war
No longer can filthy gossip be spoken
Quietened for eternity, their silent breaths
Healing the hearts of the people they'd broken.

I have a new, gigantic dream
It's young, rosy and far away
I know what to do to reach it
But there's only 24 hours in a day.

I do the things that should be done
For my lamp to still burn bright
I tell my dream "Wait just a bit longer
I'll work towards you in the night."

Will I ever reach it finally?
I don't have a good guide
Working with instinct I can say
"At least I will have tried."

If I had more tears left to cry
They'd roll down without care
Hurricanes from my eyes
Glorious storms of despair.

They'd speak volumes without a word
I wouldn't have to explain
They'd flow till my vision is blurred
So I needn't see through the pain.

I found something in a quiet beach
A new life I could take with me
With no owner, with no known name
It was mine, and it was to be.

I discarded the one I wore
I inhabited the new shell
With no memories of my old dress
It was peaceful, and all was well.

The sky was blue, with twinkling stars
The ground felt wonderful again
I took all my dreams and made them true
I sang my songs without much pain.

I met more people than before
I discovered things I never knew
I started again, I then soared
In a dreamland without a clue.

Then I stalled and crashed to the cold dead earth
With tattered remains of torn cloth
A reminder, that it was all unreal
That no one here gets another shot.

I sewed it together, what I could
And roamed around, a vagabond
Treading lines between 'want' and 'should'
With sore scars of a lass well conned.

I have a cocoon
I hide inside it
My shell stands tall and proud
The soft parts unlit.

Day by day I rebuild my home
Each night I repeat
'One day, it'll be done
One day, it'll be complete'.

Something goes wrong every hour
And I fix it every time
Trying to hide the crap within
Making sure I appear sublime.

Yet some person always sees
The escaping crying soul
They eye me curiously, and say
'When'll you be done? Your home has a hole!'

'Who's the girl who runs there?
Bring her home, we must find out!'
I stand powerless without a word
Stunned still when I want to shout.

'How do they notice the leaks
The cracks in my facade?
Have I not perfected the art?
Do they only know that I'm scarred?'

I cannot run away
The ghosts of the past lurk
A place I cannot exorcise
One of these days, will I go berserk?

If you're looking up at the sky tonight
Know, that you can surely win your fight.
If you're staring at the vast night above
Know, that you can make it, that you are loved.
If you're walking in the dark, guided by stars
Know, your destination is never too far.
If you only see lies, searching for what is true,
Know that I'm just as clueless, looking up, with you.

It's been two years since I fell down
Into a storm within my ground.
It's been two years since I tasted Hell
Staying mute while I wanted to yell.
It's been two years since I revealed it all
Cowering low when I couldn't stand tall.
It's been two years since I was strong
With everything I knew being wrong.

Now that I stand on my own two feet
Will construction ever be complete?
Now that I'm starting to smile once more
Will they ever heal, the wounds that were sore?
Now that I'm learning to walk again
Henceforth, will I be spared more pain?
Now that I know there's much to see
Will I fulfill my own Destiny?

I'm sure there are many poems on this
Echoing a plea or desperate wish
That the world was different, just not this way
That one could be certain of life the next day
Free in the streets, to walk without fear
Not wondering if the police is near
Who can only sight the shade of one's skin
By which they'd know if one committed sins
Pardoning those of a fair demeanour
Believing the white means their souls are cleaner.
Finding a reason to redden one's hands
They'd paint it if they could, concocting plans.
Perhaps some minds cannot think beyond
The hat of privilege their clan has donned.
Perhaps some ears cannot listen to more
To voices screaming amidst death and gore.
Perhaps some eyes cannot pretend to see
Around the firm blocks of a bleak history.

I am a crustacean
With a shell on my back
When things outside get rough
I stay in my safe sack.

But, when the weather's calm
I don't know what to do
It's so comfortable here
Must I really move?

My friends call out to me
They say 'Leave that behind!'
How can I? It's my home!
The anchor of my mind!

Silence is beautiful
Does no one understand?
While words are company,
The quiet's a helping hand.

But the tides are turning...
My shell will fade away..
But only if I leave..
I'll stay just one more day.

Yet I can't live here forever.
That, I'm certain, is true.
Get out of my comfort zone?
Some day, I hope, I do.

Not everything is a stone's throw away
Not everything will soon become okay.
We have some stones, and their destination
Though the path may seem paved with frustration
If odds seem insurmountable, ask "why"
Shed your tears, but don't hesitate to try
Fling your stones with care, as hard as you can
Wishing they'll all land according to plan
If they find their place, be glad and move on
Do not rest tonight- Await a new dawn.
If they land elsewhere, pick them up again
Then shoot wisely- no effort is in vain.
Every day's your day, should you choose to find
Freedom in the skies beyond tethering binds.

There are times
When one is forced to be
An open book.

With all the grimy pages revealed
The hidden truths seen
The lies discovered
That can even shock the owner.

Now how can I close this book
Without tearing out the leaves
Mending it in place
And attempt to rewrite it?

Or if I make a new one
With fresh paper sheets
Do I abandon my old novel
Discreetly for eternity?

I don't remember much of it before
The time I was without sense on the floor
Struck dumb and blind beneath a clear sky
Watching clouds go by, watching the birds fly.
Then came a tornado calling itself life
Swept me away and stabbed with its cruel knife
I writhed in agony, frantic and sad
I was depressed since, never was I glad.
To some logs I held as fast as I could
They broke away-as Fate thought they should.
But then you came along, in pain as well
Grasping in dread through a personal hell
A similar storm chasing you away
You didn't know whether to run or to stay
Somehow our paths aligned- I could not see
How this union would mean less misery.
We still held hands and bore down the tempest
Striving for something that meant more than the rest
Undefinable, which was above words
In spite of the countless poems it spurred.
I don't know as yet, if we'll ever win
If it'll be worth all the forgotten sins...
I'm so blessed it's your voice I hear
When I'm overwhelmed with some petty fear
So it anchors me to the here and now
Marvelling in this happiness bestowed.
As you give to me, I try my best to give
As much of myself as I hope to live
A small gift in this prison-house of pain
One I hope never to search for again.
In the end we're just a couple of souls
Barging unknowingly towards our goals
Yet the string between us is stretched so tight
It will never tear, even as we fight.
I'm the best sceptic you can ever find
But I'm a fool with you, stating love's blind
Doing things beyond my wildest dreams
An unlikely pair making a good team.
But time does go on, and people do change
I like myself with you- I know, it's strange.
This illusion works, cliché as it sounds
Somehow constant as the world goes around.
We try to find our new infinity
As old ones die, gripping reality
We're insignificant specks in this fire
Floating away as we spin up higher
Where all shall we go? What all can we do?
Answers I love to find, each day, with you.

How do people keep on trying
As though their hearts aren't broken
With every rejection, each no?
We just can't control what'll happen
We wait for tides to ebb and flow
Knowing fully well we're only boats
Impatient pawns on a chess board
In a horrid storm that only grows.
Waiting listlessly for an end
Confiding in foes and secret friends
Now I'm entirely at a loss
Which of my coins will Fate toss?
Or will it even try something
Has it given up on me too?
Just as I've lost hope in myself
I know what's false, but what is true?

Stop bugging me as I sleep!
You plague me with weird dreams
You confuse with random thoughts
You leave me dazed as I wake.
Get away from me, you creep!
Everything's not as it seems
You tangle my brain in knots
Were you born as a mistake?
(Though at times you make me weep;
In nightmares I'm made to scream)
I guess you've taught me a lot
You are my glue when I break.
When I'm too afraid to leap
When all's dull, and nothing gleams
As I escape to your spot
You make me smile as I ache.

I'm a humble piece of bread
Searching for your toasty arms.
When I find you, as I wait
Keep me safe, happy and warm.
Don't burn me to a thin crisp
Don't neglect me to be cold
Savour the balance of the two
As I love you till we're old.
I'll return the favour all day
As you transform to a slice
And I become your oven
In our own quaint paradise.

I'm not particularly wonderful.
I can't enhance one's reality
I'm penned by a bored and wilful writer
I don't have a distinct quality.

I may have rhyme, rhythm, or I may not
I may be emotional, or dreary
I'm a work of language, of random words
I may be soothing, I may be scary.

Some of you say I'm one of a kind,
Some of you aren't sure where I'm from,
Some believe I exist for a reason,
Some reckon I'm remarkably dumb.

You may think I'm an exhibitionist
I'm not aware, I can't care what you say
But I love being read, when your eyes see me-
Insignificant, but it makes my day.

When do we become adults?
When can we say we are grown?
Actions speak louder than words
Where is all we should have known?

What is right, but what is wrong?
The grey between black and white
Eludes us in life's colours
Creeping over in the night.

Make mistakes and learn, they say
And I make them tirelessly
In these chasms of fate I find
Whatever will be, will be.

Young and old cannot define
The years behind new sorrows
Adult and child unconfined
Worrying about tomorrows.

I had my fingers on a string
And only I could see
The pleasant sound that I could bring
A note of symphony.
The fond caress of vibration
On the forgotten hand
Evokes in me such elation
I fly above my land.

Hey God, you there? (If you exist)
This is a written interview
Answer as many as you can
There's a lot I have to ask you.
Some days I look up at the sky
Thinking, what do you have in mind?
What exactly are you planning?
Where are the clocks you want to wind?
Have you wound them all? I wonder
As time goes on, as life occurs
It's thrown into order, then chaos
Running riot- will structure recur?
But then again- what is order?
It sounds boring- I do think so
I suppose it brings one some calm
A safe haven from thoughts that flow.
Have you left hours free? I ponder
As miracles occur in doom
If good things come to those who wait
Must one wait long for flowers to bloom?

Sometimes when I'm brimming with words to say
My mouth shuts up, nothing comes out.
It works to my advantage at most times
But when I want to scream or shout
Yell to the world when I'm happy or sad
Or just have a conversation
There's no one I can count on to hear me
Listen without explanation.

I sing the tune of my life alone.
I was born that way, so I do so.
But now that I'm an adult and grown
The melody soars, my breath is slow
The song falters, though I try to sing
The beat of the world goes fast
My voice breaks, and my ears start to ring
With how I let the rhythm fly past.

Through the noise I can see in the crowd
Some partners in crime, catching lost breath
Some others like me, who cannot sing loud
Trying their best to live, to escape death.
So we join hands, and start once again
It's much easier to meet the beat
We're different tunes with a common refrain
Together, the music's almost... complete.

"You need to talk more"
They say to my face.
"She needs to socialize"
They say behind my back.
Twenty years I cried over this
Twenty years I tried being better
Twenty years I hated every fibre of my being
Because I was something I thought I disliked.
But you know what?
*******, ******* who tell me to change.
*******, idiots who made me uncomfortable in my own skin.
I make less noise, did you ever think of that?
I don't bug others to TALK, TALK, TALK more.
I'm least interested in the dull details of your lives.
A simple 'Hi' suffices, don't you think?
I have people I adore, friends who are wonderful.
I'm fine as I am. I love myself.
I love being by myself.
I don't need you to tell me how to be.
I didn't ask for your ****** opinion, not at all.
Go jump off a cliff, won't you?
There'll be a little more quiet in the world.

Sailing is fascinating to me.
Heading off into the unknown,
With no idea what lies ahead
With no company but one's own.
One lies at the mercy of the sea,
Controlling as much as one can
Using the rudder to do one's will
Finding paths measureless to man.

But what if

My ship's rudder had broken
The sky covered with clouds,
So I know not where I am
The silence here seems loud.
Where I head I do not know
I'm not sure what I seek
Meeting no friend and no foe,
I'm too afraid to speak.

Why do I write when I am sad?
My life, really, isn't so bad.
But when times are dull, cold or blue
When it's the start of nothing new
When work is done and one is bored
When thoughts depress one even more
Words are born- itches in the brain
I write them down, I'm rid of pain.
It may not be put down so well
But it describes what I've to tell.
When my mind sings an elegy
Words are carols for company.

Just when you think
You've gotten over all of it
One word, one person
Hurts your smile just a bit
And the illusion fades
To show the cracked glass
That won't heal again
Patches through the greenest grass.
I guess pain doesn't go away
And one doesn't truly let go
It just becomes easier to bear
Than pretend that it isn't so.

"Do you want to talk about it?"
You ask, seeing my impassive face.
It's been a while, and though I could
Remembering feels out of place.
Recollecting just makes it hurt.
Forming the words again is hard-
They're overused; now they sound curt.
In too many I've confided
To too many people I've told
All my sorry, deep, dark 'secrets'
Some warmed me when I was too cold.
I wish I could say more to you,
Explain why it's not escaping
Sometimes it's nice to not talk,
Than to break what I'm now shaping.

Patience is overrated.
They say, "Just wait, it shall get better soon"
So I wait, like an idiot
Staring listlessly at the standing moon.
What do I get in return?
Fall after fall, even in rock bottom
It gets deeper each long day
I've gotten somewhere I never fathomed.
God, I wished I could run
Far far away to some lost land unknown
The number of times I DID
Infinite- where are the seeds I have sown?
Is it fear, or wariness?
I honestly can find no good answer.
But soon, I do realise
As I learn to speak, stand a bit taller
I don't want to run anymore.
I detest that involuntary instinct.
Time is a friend- but it's me
Who just has to stay, as everything's linked
Everything's confusing now
I can't think of the future and what I'll spill
But I have no time to waste
I'll find the courage to work, not stand still.

I like the dark.
Why does one say it is sad?
The sky isn't dazzling without it
A hero isn't intriguing without it.
I feel at home under the sheets
In a dark room, holding the hand of Silence
For we are old pals, acquainted by time
Words flow unsaid between us
Revelations new, thoughts of old
Scattered by the harshness of light
The brilliance of reality that wakes
From a peaceful slumber, even in unrest.
So I bid goodbye to my good friend
Leaving one hand for another
Only to greet it again in the peace of the night
Light and Dark are Yin and Yang
From their union a spirit sang
"Light isn't always great
One takes as much as one could-
And Darkness isn't really bad
It's just... misunderstood."

Coldplay was right
There IS a sky full of stars
It's not unreal, it does exist!
So many things i see
I see twinkling beacons of light
I see a whole world beyond
That I long to join, in a plane I create
One day that day shall arrive
One day, I shall fly in the sky.

I stand here on a dead staircase
Leading nowhere that I can pace.
I can’t run up, I can’t walk down
So I just wait, wearing a frown.
With no answer I do entreat
With each day I lovingly greet
You- a God, ghost, spirit or wight?
I can’t hear you, I have no sight.
In mirrors of conscience I see
A caged bird that sings a plea
For guidance, direction anew
For some shine in a dark so blue
A chance, a shot that brings some joy
To be more than Destiny’s toy
Don’t be cruel, don’t take away
A fleeting hand, do make it stay
As I reach for it with my will
Collecting all talent, each skill
To step out of that mighty steep
Onto a cloud that I have reaped
Pleasing the evil wraiths of Fate
Neither too early, nor too late.
The cloud is kind, for I can steer
My way into a life so queer
Beautiful, it is only mine
A blessing undeserved, divine!
Of that path I can merely dream
In this cliff I can’t help but scream
My legs are weary, patience thin
The ground looms with an evil grin.
I saw you, Opportunity
You came, you asked, you conquered me
I awaited more things to learn
But You said “Wait, I shall return.”
For months now I have screened the skies
Wondering if what you said were lies.
I want a response, Lady Luck!
Or am I once more, to get ******?
Work I shall, with all of my being
Grant me the gift of my freeing!

To all parts of this Universe
This prayer, for a life less adverse
That rings deeply within my bones
A hope, that all sins are atoned
A faith, that I will get my shot
A plea, to design my own plot
For that window to open twice
A hand to get out of this vice
To Heaven I sing, through my heart
Please, I need some help to restart!

There’s a cloak I keep around
A fine, invisible one
One cannot feel its texture,
Or play with it for fun.
I can’t hear its many sounds
And neither can I see
The object of my leisure
A worker’s company.

How do I know it exists?
Perhaps I fool my brain
It’s a phantom wisp of air
That somehow hides my pain
That helps calm when one persists
In hurting what’s inside
The worn bubble worse for wear
When all weak tears are dried.

When internal demons wake
The cloth begins to fray
When the heart is torn apart
The stitches do not stay
The joints start to tear and break
Grow weak with weeping thread,
The engine now cannot start
One that was always dead.

Through the holes they find the *****
Some fellows in my land
Working their way through the fold
Turning stone to mere sand.
Why do they not stop to think
‘What is this good fabric?
Looking so when once so bold
Despicable magic!’

Therein lies the bitter truth
The folly of our time
They cannot see the poor cloak
As it is in this rhyme!
Only the wearer can sleuth
Which holes made when, are where
Through dumbness, anger it soaks
Each cruel word, each harsh stare.

Pull it closer, guard within
The fragile soul and smile
Hide well, know with clarity
That it is worth your while
Each mistake you call a sin
Throw it outside the cloth
With faithful integrity
Forgiven, not forgot.

Then build inside nerves of steel
Strength of iron so great
In the kiln of your own brick
Control what you create
Take the helm, but do not seal
The course of actions done
Know the plan, but do not trick
Make hay under the sun.

Make points clear, do not mask
With some thoughts said aloud
Keep a hat large for your head
I mean- do not be proud.
Perform with love each tough task
In your own, unique way
Care and earn, and share your bread
With every passing day.

Mend the cloak as you move on
With the good gift of life
Show it off well when you can
Fighting undeserved strife.
You don’t know why you were born
You do not have to wait
The brave roar of a lion sang
From stories of your fate.

He did not want it.
So he tells me.
He simply did what he could
A simple gift by Lady Fate
So he says, sheepishly.
He shrugs in nonchalance
Graceless in his apathy
Yet he is given the reward.
Why is that so, Destiny?
Why do you keep me searching for you?
Why do you smirk
As I am blinded and deafened in my pursuit for the light
Some clarity, an opportunity?
And you throw it in my face?
I could so easily be mad at you
I could so easily wail in agony
I could so easily grit my teeth and curse your existence
I could so easily abandon any pretence of control
Yet I do not.
I dare not vocalise these petty thoughts
I dare not challenge you, for I am at your every whim
But you cannot stop me from asking
You cannot prevent me from questioning
Why him, why not me?
What did he do so much better than I?
As he fakes illness and emotion
As he swaggers around in brilliant obnoxiousness
What is that one talent that I am without?
Must I lay my hands at your feet?
Must I praise your questionable presence?
Must I abuse and disregard you for some show of mercy?
They say one must wait
They say ‘Be patient, every dog has its day’
Then what am I?
A miserable dead unworthy hybrid
A perverse creation that ought not to exist
That it is not given a part in even one proverb in innumerable?
You desire that I let it get to me
You desire that I grow more impatient than usual
You ****** things away from reach so I sigh in resignation, as you laugh
Cruelly, in mockery of my fumbling limbs.
But I smile
I keep the thoughts in a little box sealed away
I gather every ounce of sincerity and joy
I collect my courage, I move my muscles
Enough to speak, to type, to send, to wish
To the blessed child of good fortune
‘Congratulations’.

‘Death is so absurd.’
So I used to think.
But, the lines are blurred
When you’re gone in a blink.
It’s hard to believe
That you’re not alive
But who would deceive
That you no longer thrive?
I see your weak frame
Still on the cold floor
Who is there to blame?
Why are you no more?
Reality strikes then
Now I’ve to accept
Beyond my dull ken
Now, after I’ve wept.
I can hardly know
If you are colder
As you lay there low
You grow frail, older.
A strange peace I see
On that unmoving face
An anguish I feel
Belied by your grace.
Quiet, loud tears around
Something that you’d hate
If you weren’t bound
To the harsh strings of fate.
You left so, so soon!
Succumbing to cancer
For you, it’s a boon
To escape more torture
Of that sad disease
Eating away life
Causing more unease
Amidst earthly strife.
So wherever you are
Wherever you head
Shine among the stars
As if you were not dead.
Raise us with your strength
Keep us of sound mind
To lessen arm’s length
Together to remind
You live within us
Those who remember
Crescendo in chorus,
Flame through dying ember.

One year can change it all
It can make you rise, it can make you fall.
One year can blow your mind
Into the dust of forgotten land mines.
One year can **** the soul
Shrapnel holding together broken whole.
One year can bring you hell
A gaunt face with no good stories to tell.
One year can make you search
For bad answers that leave you in the lurch.
One year ago today I left for doom
As the demons lurked waiting in my room.

Yes, one year can change things
Cowering in fear of what the future brings.
Weathering out life's ****
Trying to get up once again when hit.
Every day a battle
Of a mere calf against the best cattle.
Is it won? I know not
I’ll only give it everything I’ve got.
Oh it hurts, will I find
What I’m looking for, leaving past behind?
These are small questions I can put out there
As my fingers work till they’re worse for wear.

Sometimes, I just want a break.
There’s only so much I can take.
Sometimes I just want to breathe
Yell out the pain that lies beneath
Scream to the liars the truth
Find my own medicine that soothes
The anguish that makes me cry
The things I’m too tired to deny,
Knots I want to unravel
In idyllic bliss of travel.
I’m tired of too much work
It’s driving me crazy, berserk
That I repeat some old rhymes
For me, I can’t find any time
There is happiness I seek
A smidgen of courage to speak
Confidently to a crowd
Using talents on me bestowed.
I want to sleep for long days
Without messes in life to face
I don’t want a surgery
To extract foreign cyst in me
I want a good vacation
A month, a year of elation
I want to be who I’m not
Nimbly practise what I’ve been taught.
I am a rudderless ship
Someone, tell me to get a grip!
Is there anyone out there?
Not one who understands or cares?
I keep looking for someone
Lord knows, around me, I’ve a ton
Many I can lean upon
Who’d mourn for me when I am gone
I wonder on that, you know
If anyone would miss me so
If I’ve helped anyone live
If there’s someone I must forgive
I didn’t want to write sad poems
Yet, this is, a perverse proem
The last one searching for glee
Written by me in misery.
Why, why must it be so hard?
Why does life have to hand me shards?
God, lead me somewhere in peace
I can’t bear this anymore, please!
I’m exhausted with myself
With the world, with my selfish self.
(I know, I know what to do
You don’t have to give me a clue)
Give me moments to wallow
On thoughts that you don’t have to know
I’m anxious, not crazy or mad.
I’ll get up soon, don’t be sad.
But there are the times I think
Staring at space, drowning in drinks-
“Sometimes, I want to run away
Each time, I don’t know why I stay.”

O Hair, o Hair, wherefore art thou dear Hair?
You stuck with me since I can remember
How come you’re leaving? Why do you not care?
Why haven’t you grown since last November?

What did I do to make you love me less?
I’ve always given you the best shampoos,
Conditioners, hair cream- why are you distressed?
I wish you could talk- for I have no clue.

‘Stress’- the doctor says that you can’t bear it
It hurts you, it makes you sad, angry, weak
How I miss your happy, active spirit
You lit up my days when the world was bleak

You were obedient, made me look good
Introduced styles of your own I didn’t know
Growing fast into a shiny mane you would
Falling tantalisingly to my brow.

You used to cooperate with the stylist
So I tried new things, innovatively
Fashionable styles I never could resist
But you danced brightly, never plaintively!

Alas! I can’t possibly understand
Why you fall away to the cold hard ground
As I brush you, in the shower, strand by strand
The sight just shocks me as you make no sound.

You don’t respond to new-fangled oils
Bought online for you in desperate attempts
To make you grow again, healthy, unspoiled
But you stare up at me with harsh contempt!

Do not desert me yet, my darling friend!
I will change myself for you, make it right
Ensuring your precious life doesn’t end
I will put up a victorious, mighty fight.

I’ll meditate to reduce stress on you
I’ll stop shampoos to use homemade products
I’ll take the required medicines, oils too
Baby, for me, increase your good conduct!

I’m so sorry for all that I did wrong
All the things that then made you want to die
I’ll take care of you now, you will be strong
Work with me now, sweetheart, don’t ever cry!

I see you from afar
A soul searching for a path undefined
It is only a dream
And within it, you are nameless, faceless
I don’t know who you are
But I know wherever you are, you shine
If you are in a team
Or fighting alone, strong but defenceless
If you’re in your own war
And you want to lose yourself in some wine
You’re sad, you want to scream
I’m here watching over you, regardless
Don’t open every scar
After it has closed, if all is not fine
A glow about you gleams
Even if you feel dead, expressionless
If you are not on par
With the lucky ones whose fate was benign
It is your light that beams
Through your tears. Be patient, you will be blessed
And you will raise the bar
So high no one can match you, divine
Proud, deserving, esteemed
You’ll earn it, stranger, do not be hopeless
To move your own car
You know best, deep inside, your own guidelines
Go get yourself ice-cream
Smile with no inhibition, be fearless
I believe you’re a star
That you’re a good person, do not define
Yourself by worthless schemes,
You’re amazing, more than words can express.

You find out from the news, or from plain sight
Harsh words seethe, a green monster seems to bite
You may have found love, but you can’t be glad
For those who find it in ways you deem bad
Saying they ‘go too fast’ or they ‘go too slow’
Commenting more on what you think you know
Thoughts on displays of affection or gifts
Loud glances, ‘hushed’ voices during their rifts
Taking sides, volunteering to advise
Putting forth opinions you think are wise
On what must be and on what is proper
Anything otherwise a heart-stopper.
I’d like to know- why do you care so much?
Do you long for beauty that you can’t touch?
Why do you defile that which you can’t see
Thriving in embarrassment, misery?
Who laid the rules of what should be and not?
Why can’t you be happy with what you’ve got?
Everyone’s not the same, they all vary
In tempers, love and personality
They find it differently, to each his own
Whether it’s when they’re young or when they’re grown
Whether it takes a week, a month or years
They have only their confusion to clear,
Understand the mess of their emotion
And follow their hearts along that notion.
So they go to unromantic places
Perhaps they choose to avoid dumb faces.
So they post too many photos online
So you believe, but they're the ones who shine.
So they seem passionate for your liking
Too lustful? Well, stop the overthinking.
So they’ve gotten together way too soon
So you say, and you think they’re wacky loons
Maybe they’re swept in that wondrous magic
The fact you can’t ignore them is tragic.
So they make mistakes, and find hearts elsewhere
Don’t analyse for chemistry in pairs
Curious where they are, if they’ve gone further
Don’t hail one and just dismiss the other.
So they choose to marry early, or late
Don’t ask why they hurry or want to wait.
So they don’t seem to want marriage at all
Every decision of theirs is their call.
It’s their **** business, and they do it well
They don’t ask for your ideas to sell.
Kindly live in peace, they did you no harm
Leave them alone, and work on your own charm.

In the dark of the night I sleep
The day tires, exhaustion does creep.
But I wake, as the mind races
It does not rest, it goes places.
Cascading thoughts of years gone by,
Of years to come, I worry, cry.
I think of those happy around
And how I always wear a frown
How, when they can converse with glee
It is when I’m quiet that I’m free.
The past consumes, it hurts, I bleed
Deep inside, I know what I need.
Mistakes made, pride before a fall
Catastrophic, I can’t stand tall
Only to me it seems that way
They say, “Move on!”, but I just pray
For strength to exist, to not fail
Yet again amidst wind and hail.
So I hide, I don’t speak to them
Those who bear my monstrous emblem.
I read, I’m told, of self-esteem
That’s what I see in waking dreams.
Envy, anger, sadness I spout
Company I can’t do without
It makes one feel weak. Who am I?
A girl who waits but doesn’t try?
One who turns off lights to see dark?
Or one who tries to make a mark?
We’re all worn pieces of fabric
Pristine, glorious, woven magic
Of frayed threads, of holes, botched stitches
Some, stories from rags to riches.
We do not know when it will end
We don’t know what the fates will send.
Life’s the course we take to finish
Our fine cloth without a blemish
Perfect it may seem from afar
But It is made from many scars.
The past made us who we are now
Bid goodbye to it with a bow
For it made us strong, made us strive
Again, once more, to try and thrive.
I will no longer let it rule
Forget the girl I was in school
Ignore my self-deprecation
Omit the failed conversations.
I will not let them define me
Fallen leaves of my standing tree.
Long-lost dreams fade, new ones begun
The mind's made up, I'll have some fun.
Long road to travel, things to do
Hard work smartly done with a clue.
Music's gentle hand guides my way
My only light in the dark days.
Smiles, laughter, speech with confidence
I'll try and lace them with good sense.
Perhaps the God above knows well
Things he won't explicitly tell
He'll shine in places we can't view
Clearing our way in unknown queues.
Giving strength when we do feel weak
Oiling our machines to no creak.
With that faith, I will move some more
Finding new paths, opening doors.
The future’s mine, I’ll make it right
My life, in the dark of the night.

Who are you to say, who I choose to love?
Who are you to say, who I pray to?
Who are you to say, I must be this way?
Who are you? I haven’t got a clue.
You say, “Actions unite a society.
You must act accordingly, you must!
Be normal, be how we have always been
Then, in you we shall place our trust.
If you don’t agree to this, Go away
Away from here, you do not belong!
Leave us in peace, we don't need you.
We send you off, for without you, we’re strong.”

But I’ll ask you: do I deserve to die?
Am I so disgusting I can’t live?
How can you decide I must die this way?
What have I done that you can’t forgive?

I don’t know how to smile
A simple curve of mouth
Takes me an intense while
It ends up being a pout.
There are queries I make
To all who can dazzle
Without fault or mistake
Without getting frazzled.
Must one’s teeth be exposed?
How must one move the lips
So it does not look forced?
They try to give me tips.
“The mirror is your friend
It depends on your face
There’s only a slight bend
Before a dark grimace.
Try new angles each time
See when you look decent
It is a steady climb
To appearing pleasant.”
How must I compute this?!
I did do as they said
I either look amiss
Or angry and half-dead.
It’s not that I am plain
I try not to think so
But it causes me pain
I can’t go with the flow.
I fear taking pictures
It makes no sense to me
Why go through a torture
Each time with company?
Self-portraits are common
Nowadays called ‘selfies’
Everyone’s forgotten
When one’s a true beauty.
But I can’t even smile
Simplest trick of them all
To go the extra mile
I can’t summon the gall.
But I’ve heard my friends say
When one is not conscious
At the end of the day
That photo is precious
It captures a memory
Of a true, blissful curve
A good moment's history.
I must try to observe
Those unabashed smiles
And try to repeat those
Without going out of style
And trying a weird pose.

Two souls within pages or in a screen
Find happiness as I have never been
A delight unknown, secret elation
Borne from sweet, deep, delirious passion
Towards another soul so well entwined
One declares ‘I am yours and you are mine’
On that note, my eyes spill two sudden tears
Awakening forlorn, hidden, new fears
Of a lonely girl whose books keep her sane
Else she’d be lost writing numerous refrains
On longing for what she can’t understand
Childish dreams-crumbs under billows of sand
As time goes on, as reality strikes
Are found infatuations, crushes, ‘likes’
Each painful, into nothing drifts away
Settling into new lessons learned each day.
‘He wasn’t good for you’ they say; She smiles
They understood what she'd known for a while.
She listens, but trusts a worn intuition
A faith that one day,it’ll all bear fruition
Sometimes that faith breaks,into smithereens
Yet it rises again, sharper and keen.
The forgotten lads,she knows and admires
No longer do they provoke her ire.
For they were good, kind, unsuspecting souls
She once did think each one would make her whole
But each departure only reminded
Of new facets to which she was blinded.
They go on with their lives, she must do so
Without memories of eons ago.

"You are no beauty", (some) male brute ‘friends’ sneer
Patient voices counsel that they’re queer.
Beauty lies in the eye of beholders
If eyes are clouded, how can they smolder?
With sincerity, praise, love or a smile
How will they make anyone’s time worthwhile?
If they’re marred with lust, greedy for a ‘***’
Those men make me ***** or want to gag.
I once did dream of a tall handsome guy
Who would make me blush, who can make me shy.
Who would charm, be faithful, trusting and kind
With gentle fingers, and a strong, fierce mind.
Who could sweep me off my feet, just with words
(Of course, he’s unreal- don’t be absurd!)
Who could move mountains with things he said
Who'd be focused, practical, think ahead.
I used to think about my true soulmate
Among billions in the world, tied by fate
To meet once, unite, or never at all
Held apart by egos that cause their fall
Or clashing with fury, victims of chance
Causing fireworks in Destiny’s dance
Burning steadily for ages to come
Scoffed at by many, coveted by some.
Do they truly exist? I’ve no idea.
They cannot be a heart’s panacea
When it is broken, when it starts to bleed
When buds of affection become mere ****.
Do find a true respect, love for oneself
Tuck insecurities into a shelf
Walk with victories and defeats in your stride
By sheer common sense patiently abide.
Assume soulmates do not exist, alas!
Else, the heart will always shatter like glass.
Be of sound mind, incomparable courage
Never let them go- design your own page
Hold that person close-one who does arrive
One who makes you better, for whom you strive
To light up their days, star the blackest nights
As you move as one, never stop the fight.
He may not be tall, strong or masculine
He may not be rich, suave or brave within.
But he looks at you like you are unique
You may stumble, but his interest is piqued
He stays by your side when times are too blue
He comforts, informs, encourages too.
He celebrates your wins,never jealous
Paving his own path without being callous
He gives you your space, and uses his own
He doesn’t bother with calls to the phone
When he knows you’re busy, he can trust well
He listens with care to what you’ve to tell.
He has his faults,but works to make them right
He glows with glee when you move to his sight.
Such is what I crave-that’s what I call love
I hope you find what I described above.

You sit down in front of a computer
A laptop, mainframe or anything with keys
Deftly designing, predicting futures
You solve problems with unrealistic ease.
Days and nights you spend staring at the screen
Running on caffeine, junk food, random snacks
Eyes spotting errors, fingers sharp and keen
There isn’t one mistake you can’t track.
Sometimes you can get very, very stuck
Which makes you a horrible annoyance
As you start to moan about how you ****
Making those around wish for your penance.
You go crazy, grumbling technical words
Gazing into space, losing yourself there
In the world of code- it’s just plain absurd
To anyone who’s sadly unaware.
But soon you figure out the hidden glitch
Buried between long complicated lines
Like a tailor, you repair the wrong stitch
Weaving marvels from virtual quarantines.
Alas! Not many try to understand
Ignorant about what just makes you tick
To them, code is a unique world so bland
It’s your paradise, glue to make you stick
You see patterns among random mysteries
You cannot resist killing viruses
Behind the screen lie your numerous victories
Humble and hard-earned are your calluses.

I don't even care anymore
About getting hundred percent
My life is dull,drab and absent
Who really cares about their scores?    
Because I don't care anymore
About impressing professors
Appearing diligent, sincere
I was like that long before
For i started to care no more
About immaculate neat work
Now it starts to drive me berserk!
Papers scattered about the floor
Because I really care no more
About how proud parents would be
'Wonderful child!' They do decree
Blinded by pride- my eyes are sore
Because I can't cry anymore.
What does one get out of it all?
Filthy numbers before a fall?
An urge to run out of the door?
I don't even care anymore
About dreadful stories conjured
Out of acronyms-minds injured
Bleed ignorance desperately bored
It's pointless to care anymore.
'Have a thirst for knowledge', they say
Little do they know it has stayed
To form an ache amidst the gore
Of trying to not care some more...    
Writing nonsense is habitual
It has become a dumb ritual
Spinning yarns like the days of yore...
Am I supposed to care anymore?
Four years of engineering
After which the truth is leering
At those whose rambles are adored
Unaware of anything more.  
'This is college! Learn on your own'
They say,and we wear till our bones
Trying now to invent folklore
But now i don't care anymore.
Must I persist?now I must ask
Am i really up to the task
Of understanding from the core
I'm sure of nothing anymore.
Yet I insist, why so? Why now?
I could leave- a cowardly cow!
Moving to things on other shores
Must i try to care anymore?
Some people get drunk,some smoke up
But once one starts then one can't stop
So I moan through my rhyme galore  
You see, I can't care anymore.
But I question without answers
Too tired to be the seeker
My brain is an assorted store
With new ways of caring some more.

As I stare, out my window
A whole new world I can see.
It's nothing like what I know
Timeless tales of Odyssey
Told by each droplet from high
Across tarnished panes of old
Dancing against the grey sky
T'is not warm, yet not too cold.
Often the heavens do rage
Seething forsaken thunder
Booming from cloud-guarded cage
The flashes gleam asunder.
Burning the ground when they hit
Striking with melancholy
Lasting for less than a whit
Vanishing in their glory.
Oh, abhorred Midas touch!
Scarring revered sand to glass!
It will not do- t'is too much!
Disaster has come to pass.
Deafening sound each long day
Or night? It is uncertain.
There is no dark, light- just grey
The skies rid unknown burden.
The heavens echo strange rhythm
"Deathless drummer, kindly stop!"
Beg voices from broken chasms-
Sleepless amidst failing crop.
Yet, one fails to realise
Harsh Nature's painful beauty
Each cry- contrite sacrifice
To create a symphony
In the air as lights do blend
Within a drop build color
An arc of seven friends sent
Cleansing any mood so dour.
It is sudden, unknown, new.
One cannot see it arrive
Yet it exists, among a few
Splashes of grey that survive.
So, oftentimes it is said
When all is lost in a storm
From the ashes of the dead
Will rise hope with unique form
That one cannot understand
Or recognize at first glance
Explore the glass of the sand
Don't lose faith, take a chance
It will hold your hand throughout
Bearing hail, fog, mist and rain
Keep it close, for, without doubt
It will be worth all the pain.