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Marya123 Dec 2020
If only the world would stop spinning
So I can finally breathe some air
I'll remove my mask of fortitude
To feel something beyond despair.
Marya123 Jan 2017
Sailing is fascinating to me.
Heading off into the unknown,
With no idea what lies ahead
With no company but one's own.
One lies at the mercy of the sea,
Controlling as much as one can
Using the rudder to do one's will
Finding paths measureless to man.

But what if

My ship's rudder had broken
The sky covered with clouds,
So I know not where I am
The silence here seems loud.
Where I head I do not know
I'm not sure what I seek
Meeting no friend and no foe,
I'm too afraid to speak.
Marya123 Feb 2017
When do we become adults?
When can we say we are grown?
Actions speak louder than words
Where is all we should have known?

What is right, but what is wrong?
The grey between black and white
Eludes us in life's colours
Creeping over in the night.

Make mistakes and learn, they say
And I make them tirelessly
In these chasms of fate I find
Whatever will be, will be.

Young and old cannot define
The years behind new sorrows
Adult and child unconfined
Worrying about tomorrows.
Marya123 Jul 2020
Cannot speak a word
Devoid of expression
Only having tears to offer
How long will they spill
Before they leave too?
How long must one walk
Before their legs fall off?
How long must one break
Before they're put together again?
Marya123 Dec 2021
I can't look at the sky anymore
It reminds me that I've failed to explore
What it means to reach so far up high
No matter how much, how hard I try
I'll never design the wings of a plane
Or find its material stress and strain
I'll never make a rocket land or rise
Mapping out exactly how it flies.
I'm told I overthink, that it's "just dreams"
"They're just delayed, it's not what it seems"
I've tried to believe, but it hurts inside
I guess they're not late, they've been denied.
No one knows what's really going on
But I'll apply and work till my strength is gone.
Will there be an answer? I don't know
I wish time would speed up, it's just so slow.
Marya123 May 2022
Anxious all the time that this world isn't for me
Fearing failure with every opportunity
Racing heart, trying to breathe, to think, searching for air,
Agony, so many emotions, too aware
Intrusive thoughts that don't make sense, loud, amplified
Dying before death arrives, I'm a coward inside.
Marya123 Sep 2019
It's been years since I wrote like this about what I'm feeling but it's been a tough night so here goes-

It's the start of the semester and I can't help but have this feeling of impending doom, like all my fears might just come true..

That this addiction I've been battling with for years might just bring me down. That I'm alone in fearing it, because it's not what you'd expect, and it's utterly uncommon. That I might just succumb to not reaching out to people and just fail altogether. And so many more fears..

I just feel really scared, sad and hopeless right now. The person whom I've always confided in has become something unfamiliar, that I don't recognize, and I feel sort of.. misplaced. I don't want to ruin my life but I might just be in the way of doing that. And I suppose writing this was a way of just putting this miserable mess of feelings out there. Trying to make it leave my body for good.

I don't want my penchant for introversion, as a shy person, to become the loneliness that might just destroy me. I'm afraid it's halfway there.

I don't think I have the strength to do this... i don't know if I can. It *****, feeling this small, cowering under the weight of all the fears hitting your brain at once in the middle of the night.

Most of all, I'm afraid I won't ever get over the addiction, and live my whole life battling it, fail and just... wither away. I don't know if I can because it has influenced and defined so much of the girl I am today. Both good and bad things. That's why it's hard to give it up.

Thank you to whoever reads this, have a great day!
Marya123 Jun 2016
Two souls within pages or in a screen
Find happiness as I have never been
A delight unknown, secret elation
Borne from sweet, deep, delirious passion
Towards another soul so well entwined
One declares ‘I am yours and you are mine’
On that note, my eyes spill two sudden tears
Awakening forlorn, hidden, new fears
Of a lonely girl whose books keep her sane
Else she’d be lost writing numerous refrains
On longing for what she can’t understand
Childish dreams-crumbs under billows of sand
As time goes on, as reality strikes
Are found infatuations, crushes, ‘likes’
Each painful, into nothing drifts away
Settling into new lessons learned each day.
‘He wasn’t good for you’ they say; She smiles
They understood what she'd known for a while.
She listens, but trusts a worn intuition
A faith that one day,it’ll all bear fruition
Sometimes that faith breaks,into smithereens
Yet it rises again, sharper and keen.
The forgotten lads,she knows and admires
No longer do they provoke her ire.
For they were good, kind, unsuspecting souls
She once did think each one would make her whole
But each departure only reminded
Of new facets to which she was blinded.
They go on with their lives, she must do so
Without memories of eons ago.

"You are no beauty", (some) male brute ‘friends’ sneer
Patient voices counsel that they’re queer.
Beauty lies in the eye of beholders
If eyes are clouded, how can they smolder?
With sincerity, praise, love or a smile
How will they make anyone’s time worthwhile?
If they’re marred with lust, greedy for a ‘***’
Those men make me ***** or want to gag.
I once did dream of a tall handsome guy
Who would make me blush, who can make me shy.
Who would charm, be faithful, trusting and kind
With gentle fingers, and a strong, fierce mind.
Who could sweep me off my feet, just with words
(Of course, he’s unreal- don’t be absurd!)
Who could move mountains with things he said
Who'd be focused, practical, think ahead.
I used to think about my true soulmate
Among billions in the world, tied by fate
To meet once, unite, or never at all
Held apart by egos that cause their fall
Or clashing with fury, victims of chance
Causing fireworks in Destiny’s dance
Burning steadily for ages to come
Scoffed at by many, coveted by some.
Do they truly exist? I’ve no idea.
They cannot be a heart’s panacea
When it is broken, when it starts to bleed
When buds of affection become mere ****.
Do find a true respect, love for oneself
Tuck insecurities into a shelf
Walk with victories and defeats in your stride
By sheer common sense patiently abide.
Assume soulmates do not exist, alas!
Else, the heart will always shatter like glass.
Be of sound mind, incomparable courage
Never let them go- design your own page
Hold that person close-one who does arrive
One who makes you better, for whom you strive
To light up their days, star the blackest nights
As you move as one, never stop the fight.
He may not be tall, strong or masculine
He may not be rich, suave or brave within.
But he looks at you like you are unique
You may stumble, but his interest is piqued
He stays by your side when times are too blue
He comforts, informs, encourages too.
He celebrates your wins,never jealous
Paving his own path without being callous
He gives you your space, and uses his own
He doesn’t bother with calls to the phone
When he knows you’re busy, he can trust well
He listens with care to what you’ve to tell.
He has his faults,but works to make them right
He glows with glee when you move to his sight.
Such is what I crave-that’s what I call love
I hope you find what I described above.
midnight musings
Marya123 Dec 2021
In the beginning, they say there was light
That changed through the days to become the night
Blessing the world with what it means to see
To know miracles, wonder and ecstasy.
No one knows if the darkness fled to hide
Ashamed of everything it held inside
Cowering in an unearthly prison
A lifelong sentence as light had risen
Convinced that this is safe, that this is fine
Convinced that dark never had the right to shine.
They say it quietly withered into dust
Following instructions, trying to adjust,
Discovering freedom like never before,
To know what it is to be alive, to explore
Finding expression in pain through art
Finding reflection in matters of the heart.
Learning to survive, running from the light
Claiming the throne as ruler of the night.
Marya123 Mar 2020
I'm on the brink of running away,
At a clifftop, staring at the sea
It looks so tempting, to let it all go
To finally live in ecstasy...

But if there's a chance I can fight today
If it's possible I can be fearless
Maybe I'll turn this from a tale of Woe
To one of Triumph from utmost distress.
Trying to find courage.
Marya123 Dec 2018
This world is made up of English words
Everywhere I see, they're all renowned
With meaning, with purpose by themselves
With tones of their own, with unique sounds.

I'm a letter from another language
If I could change, I would do some good
I remain lost, as I can't be applied
If I use my voice, I'm not understood.
Marya123 Dec 2020
As the days blend into an endless night
We try to welcome change with delight
If only there were a way to tell
If the future would be heaven or hell
Perhaps we may be better prepared
To make the most of the time we've shared,
To remember those who are gone too soon,
To be grateful for every fortune,
To work without pride, to be forgiving,
To cherish the love of those still living.
Even if foreboding makes us unsure
We hope for the strength to live and endure.
Marya123 Mar 2021
Love me at my darkest
Love me in my sorrow
Love me at my weakest,
When it is your strength I borrow.

Love me when I don't want you,
Love me when I feel hollow
Love me at the end of all hope
When in your grace, I'll follow.
Marya123 Nov 2018
"'It'll get better', you all once said
To my tear-stained, sallow face
Do you know, that I still remain
In what should have been a phase?

'Write happy notes', you gallantly said
Misery becomes your crutch
It should not be- it must begone
Before it becomes too much.

Yet my words were a light in this dark
Of these cruel, unforgiving times
So I could see, even when blind
That sadness was not a crime.

Swallow your words, deceitful beings
You didn't know how to help me
College degrees behind your names
Disguise your illiteracy.

What do I believe, now that it's clear
That no one truly cares?
The thin line between right and wrong
Taunts me with this despair.

Whom do I lean on, now that I know
That all of your words were fake?
How can I stand on my own two feet
If there isn't more I can take?"

Foolish child, do understand
That I care, that I do mean well
Hear this, just hear my words
Listen to what I have to tell.

Sadness is untarnished gold
That I don't think you must avoid
But what you feel, deep inside
Doesn't mean that you're destroyed.

If you focus on what you want
(To get out of this prison)
The weight will get lighter with time
Through the dark you will have risen.

Habits are hard to break, I know
And it'll be an arduous journey
But I'll be here, to lift you up
I'll try to be good company.

You can get past it, you see?
Choosing paths with new notions,
With logic, reason and sound mind
You can conquer your emotions.

I don't presume to know it all
There is much I don't comprehend
But I'll do what I can to help you
You have my best wishes, dear friend.
Marya123 Jul 2022
Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. It. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's just anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
I can't do this anymore
Don't lose steam.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
I think I'm going crazy.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll start to feel normal?
Marya123 Dec 2019
Here's to the words of the decade
The ones filled with hope, and longing
Those written dreaming of better times
Wishing for a sense of belonging.

Here's to the words of tragedy
Those wept out by heartfelt despair
The ones unread, beacons of shame
Yearning to be seen, and know who'd care.

Here's to the words that are neutral
Conveying little to no emotion
They matter, just like all the rest,
Setting whole worlds into motion.

Here's to the words that will be made,
From obstacles to be withstood
In seasons of unknown fortune,
May they reach us, and be understood.
Marya123 Jul 2019
Can you hear my thoughts across the earth?
You're the hero of their trivial play
Here, you'd always win, always succeed
You'd have all your fears kept at bay.

If only you would stop and listen
You'd know that I'd always keep you warm
We'd share our worlds in the best of ways
I'd be your umbrella in this storm.
Marya123 Oct 2020
Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Marya123 Nov 2020
Staring at the waves of the sea
Wondering how cool it would be
To get lost in its blue madness
Instead of drowning in sadness.
Marya123 Feb 2020
I'm better behind a screen
From where I would well pretend
That I have it all figured out
Not waiting for problems to end.

I'm better behind a screen
Where I'd say I know to live
To enjoy it all in the now
And make no mistakes to forgive.

I'm the best behind a screen
Where I could escape this strife
I'd be who I want to be
And not defeated by life.
Marya123 May 2020
I'm searching for something I cannot understand
Is it connection? Is it purpose? Is it a sense of belonging?
If only I knew... I'd chase it better.
Marya123 Jan 2020
Love is pain, the bleeding of a soul
A wound that doesn't hurt, when made whole
Joined with another, in a unique way
Rising together to face a new day.

Yet when torn apart, the pain flares once more
Memories haunt, they bruise, marring it sore
The spirit endures fresh cuts trying to heal
While losing the will to move on, to feel.
I won't let the heartbreak define me
I won't be a victim in my story.
I'll write, I'll create to fill this hole
Maybe one day I will take control.
Marya123 Oct 2018
When the world is crumbling down
When all hope seems to be lost
It's a gentle, harsh reminder
That everything comes at a cost.
Courage isn't hard to find
But it fades in fear and sorrow.
Yet, stay the course, faithful reader
Your light will shine tomorrow.
'Tomorrow never comes', you say
I hope, one day, you find it has
With great strength and resilience
Believe that this too, shall pass.
Marya123 Jan 2020
Change is a wild dog that can't be tamed
One that will always test your patience
One that refuses to sit in silence
That doesn't respond when you call its name.

But it will watch as you transform, with pride
Living forever, challenging your ways
It will stay for the rest of your days
You're never alone with Change at your side.
Marya123 Oct 2020
I laid my heart out on a plate
Served it with my soul on the side
After an internal debate
The world moved on, my dreams denied.

What's missing?- The look, the flavor?
What should I change, so it will see?
Will I ever earn its favor?
Or will it just be fantasy?
Marya123 Jan 2017
I sing the tune of my life alone.
I was born that way, so I do so.
But now that I'm an adult and grown
The melody soars, my breath is slow
The song falters, though I try to sing
The beat of the world goes fast
My voice breaks, and my ears start to ring
With how I let the rhythm fly past.

Through the noise I can see in the crowd
Some partners in crime, catching lost breath
Some others like me, who cannot sing loud
Trying their best to live, to escape death.
So we join hands, and start once again
It's much easier to meet the beat
We're different tunes with a common refrain
Together, the music's almost... complete.
Marya123 Jan 2017
Sometimes when I'm brimming with words to say
My mouth shuts up, nothing comes out.
It works to my advantage at most times
But when I want to scream or shout
Yell to the world when I'm happy or sad
Or just have a conversation
There's no one I can count on to hear me
Listen without explanation.
Trust is a fickle thing.
Marya123 Aug 2022
I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.
Marya123 Nov 2018
I have stayed in the water for so long
Descending, sinking, falling to its depths
Existing any other way feels wrong.
I haven't died, but I can't breathe in air
I'm suspended in the waves of the sea
I don't know to live, I don't even care.

But what if

I kicked, I splashed, I clawed at the water,
Until my limbs, my heart and chest are sore
Until I figured out just how to swim
So I can slowly navigate ashore?
What if I scratched, I fought, I learned to live?
What if I refused to drown anymore?
Marya123 Oct 2018
You don't want me
That I understand.
I doubt you ever will
But if you did, it'd be grand.

We'd dance as one
Foolish, my small dreams
You still haven't asked me..
I bet we'd make a great team.

Go, ask her out
I will wish you well
I'll mend my bending heart
I'll get away from this hell.

There's someone out there
Someone who makes sense
Will I find him, or not?
The answer's in Providence.
Marya123 Nov 2018
How long can I pretend
To practice what I preach
When I can't grasp the words
When I don't feel what I teach?
How can I be so good
At giving out advice
When I don't follow my words
When I am what I despise?
Marya123 Mar 2020
My life is a thunderstorm
That I watch, powerless, in vain
As it destroys flowers of hope
With every barrage of rain.
Marya123 Oct 2016
I like the dark.
Why does one say it is sad?
The sky isn't dazzling without it
A hero isn't intriguing without it.
I feel at home under the sheets
In a dark room, holding the hand of Silence
For we are old pals, acquainted by time
Words flow unsaid between us
Revelations new, thoughts of old
Scattered by the harshness of light
The brilliance of reality that wakes
From a peaceful slumber, even in unrest.
So I bid goodbye to my good friend
Leaving one hand for another
Only to greet it again in the peace of the night
Light and Dark are Yin and Yang
From their union a spirit sang
"Light isn't always great
One takes as much as one could-
And Darkness isn't really bad
It's just... misunderstood."
Marya123 Mar 2020
Life gave me a map and said "Follow this track
Work hard and stay focused; Don't ever look back.
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe- I give you my word."
I listened, and agreed, for my vision was blurred.

Little did I know, I was on the wrong trail
Far away from my dreams, I was doomed to fail
I'm looking for signs where they'll never be found
I'm shouting for help... but I can't hear a sound
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in dread
I thought Life made us gave me fear instead.
Marya123 Sep 2022
If nothing really matters, I understand
My efforts go wrong in ways I hadn't planned
Maybe it isn't worth trying to swim higher
If I'm a loaded gun made to misfire
So I may as well learn to be content,
I'll make my home here, at rock bottom
I'll find a way to accept my descent,
To live with this wreck of what I've become.
Marya123 Jul 2022
Is it called drowning
If it happens in a pool
I chose to swim in?
Marya123 Aug 2022
When I hold the knife that causes my pain
I don't think I have a right to complain
Struggling to get myself out of the bed
I sometimes wish it was a grave instead
What am I made of, if the simplest thing eludes me
I'm drowning, drowning, in my insecurity
If all I can do is write the hours away
What's the point, waiting to see the next day
If it's all going to be the same, again
Listless, choking numbness consuming my brain
It doesn't make sense, I try but end up here
Am I not destined to live away from fear?
This life, it hurts, I don't know what to do
'Get help', I'm told. How, I haven't a clue.
Marya123 Oct 2020
I tried to walk along the sands of time
Wishing my footprints would one day be seen
But I got lost in the uphill climb
Consumed by a dream of what could have been
Struggling to breathe in the thin air of hope
I'm looking for a clear path ahead
There's no way back down this slippery *****
All that I see are illusions instead.
Are there signs that will tell me where to go?
I'm tired of waiting for them to arrive
If this is what it means to learn and grow
I'll make a move, aiming to stay alive.
Marya123 Feb 2019
If my heart is a room
You claimed it as your lair.
You lived in it, for ages
But then you left... I'm not sure where.

This space now feels smaller
That you're not here to see
The one place that was yours for life
Collects dust as it is empty.

Its ceiling's falling down
The walls are turning gray
Will you come stay just one last time?
Perhaps it won't wither away.
When you can feel your heart breaking as the days go by
Marya123 Jun 2021
Strangled to death
By a noose of intricate lies
That used to keep me alive.
Marya123 Jun 2020
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Because I am not
I'm lucky enough to breathe,
While so many cannot.
Marya123 Mar 2021
Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."
Marya123 Apr 2020
Don't tell me this happened for a reason
Don't tell me to be positive
Don't you ******* say the Earth wants to heal itself
Not when people are dying
Not when lives are broken out of nowhere
Not when everywhere, everything is in chaos
Not when we don't know if there is a future
Don't tell me to stop caring
Because I don't know
I don't know how anymore.
Marya123 May 2016
As I stare, out my window
A whole new world I can see.
It's nothing like what I know
Timeless tales of Odyssey
Told by each droplet from high
Across tarnished panes of old
Dancing against the grey sky
T'is not warm, yet not too cold.
Often the heavens do rage
Seething forsaken thunder
Booming from cloud-guarded cage
The flashes gleam asunder.
Burning the ground when they hit
Striking with melancholy
Lasting for less than a whit
Vanishing in their glory.
Oh, abhorred Midas touch!
Scarring revered sand to glass!
It will not do- t'is too much!
Disaster has come to pass.
Deafening sound each long day
Or night? It is uncertain.
There is no dark, light- just grey
The skies rid unknown burden.
The heavens echo strange rhythm
"Deathless drummer, kindly stop!"
Beg voices from broken chasms-
Sleepless amidst failing crop.
Yet, one fails to realise
Harsh Nature's painful beauty
Each cry- contrite sacrifice
To create a symphony
In the air as lights do blend
Within a drop build color
An arc of seven friends sent
Cleansing any mood so dour.
It is sudden, unknown, new.
One cannot see it arrive
Yet it exists, among a few
Splashes of grey that survive.
So, oftentimes it is said
When all is lost in a storm
From the ashes of the dead
Will rise hope with unique form
That one cannot understand
Or recognize at first glance
Explore the glass of the sand
Don't lose faith, take a chance
It will hold your hand throughout
Bearing hail, fog, mist and rain
Keep it close, for, without doubt
It will be worth all the pain.
Marya123 Aug 2019
I'm done waiting for you too much
Longing for you, your voice, your touch.
You seem to be tattooed on my soul
Whenever I hear you, I feel whole
I wish you could exit my heart
But I wish we would never part
Alas! I can't confess to you
It would become too real, too true...
So I'll hide these feelings in me
Hoping that one day, I'll be free.
Marya123 Nov 2018
At the very beginning of time
The Sky and Sea were bound together
In a sweet embrace that graced their prime
Days were peaceful, with pleasant weather.
But they were wrenched apart, as Earth grew
Asserting his might in the trinity
With a chasm he split them clean in two
Dividing them for eternity.
So the Sky weeps storms in her sorrow
Weaving her anguish within the rain
In the winter, her tears turn to snow
Punishing land as they mask her pain.
It's the only way she remains brave
The one way that she can reach her love
So he stretches up with surf and wave
Telling her he knows what she feels above.
Marya123 Jul 2019
I burn, one among countless flames
You've never seen me, nor will you
Your eyes are on my dazzling friends
But I hope.. you'll want something new.
I can't say I've much to offer
But I'll do my best to guide your way
I'll keep you safe through the dark nights
Perhaps... even light up your day.
Cliché, maybe even a bit contrived.
But emotion is true, and that's all that matters.
Marya123 Oct 2022
I either say too little or too much
I'm unbreakable, or too delicate to touch
Flirting with extremes, mine is a plastic soul
Every minute that I fail takes its toll
Should I shut up, should I continue to talk,
Should I be vulnerable, should I be a rock?
Should I stop writing, or should I not care,
Am I being too honest for weak minds to bear?
No matter what, it's never enough
I guess I'm not made of the right stuff
What's the point of even attempting to hide
When I see they will never be satisfied?
It doesn't seem right, this world, why do I please?
What ****** deities am I trying to appease?
So I'll gladly wear my heart upon my sleeve
Knowing I will not be granted a reprieve.
Marya123 Apr 2019
Would the ocean feel any pain
If it couldn't tide, would it strain?
If the moon didn't pull it each night
With no force to help it feel light
Struggling with its surface tension
Reaching out, without attention
Would it burst under the pressure?
Or would it die, without pleasure?
I would relate to its heartache
Holding it in, trying not to break.
Universe, stop calling my bluff.
I think... I've had more than enough.
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