you dont remember but i do
nights that occur time and time again
you tell me you love me
eyes looking into mine
i have to turn away because i know its not real
at least not entirely
our feelings are the same
but you can only show yours when
you wont remember the next morning
its frustrating and infuriating
we cuddle we kiss we hold each others hand
its not as if it didnt happen
its not like none of it is real
just fragments dont fit together the best way
your warmth gives me goose bumps
my neck still feels your lips
then the day after you slide away
when i sit too close you push
is it all me
im i that repulsing
you told me im beautiful
that was the first time i really believed it
somehow its all gone now
when you look at me i wonder
what part of me looks the worst
should i run my fingers through my hair
should i smile a little bit differently
if i wear this perfume will he not move over
will he tell me i look beautiful again
i feel insane even bothering
because youre just my best friend

it confuses me daily that so many people are having ***
even at this very moment, i'm sitting in a book store
sipping coffee that burnt at first sip
where are they? in their homes? in public?
i'm avoiding it, not on purpose
that's just how its worked itself out
there in the moment with them its exciting
adrenalin in pumping and all thats left is to strip
yet i won't let it happen
i feel the rush and the chills but that's it
the closest i've ever got to feeling what you call '*****'
it all started with a cuddle
he said it best himself, don't cuddle, you'll catch feelings
no ****.
probably could have went a few more years
but he was drunk and all he asked was for me to stay
to cuddle
and that's what we did
all night
i woke to him in a slight sweat and it happened
i then knew what you are supposed to feel in those moments
after that, he messed me up
now i can't handle him grabbing my hip to move me out the way
he can sit too close and there it is again
what the hell?
and other people have felt this since they were preteens?!
i would burst
what i don't get is why it never happened again
other boys/other girls
kisses/bites/touches
no one makes me feel the same
that feeling is what has been missing
why i couldn't say yes
i feel nothing with them, so i sit there fully dressed
he won't get too close
it's funny because he doesn't remember us
we were laying nose to nose
on new years, what i wanted happened
we kissed in the mix of the dozen lips
we got home and yet nothing happened
i didn't want to take advantage of our blurred visions
one day i hope i get it
the feeling he gave me
he may never say yes
but i'll always have that feeling
**** demisexuality

I've completely lost my mind
Every thought I have is another about a boy\
A man I saw by a moment ago
At work, in school, on the TV, in the movies
What the hell is wrong with me
I can't go a day without imagining them in someway
Yes, I'm a human and it's natural and alright\
But i'm starting to get worried
I'm staying up late reading books, with perfect men, all night
There's something inside me that draws me in
Maybe its the way they smell or how they know how to grin
All types of hair, any color of the skin, every sparkling eye
I never seem to win
One day I hope one falls for me as easily I do them
Maybe then I'd feel less crazy
And start to enjoy a normal life again

I'm so tired I could drift away
Forgetting the realities that discourage my continuing
I'm tired of...
the lies I tell every day.
'No, I don't like anyone.'
'Yes, I feel just fine.'
'I had a good day today.'
'It's okay, there's always next time.'
'Oh... that's no one.'
'Yeah, I have a lot of friends.'
'I can do it all on my own.'

It's not everyday that you cry away your life
Or maybe it is
If you're like me, it doesn't change a thing
But it still happens some how
Nightly, while you lay down about to sleep
In the morning as you shower
On the drive to work and back
Pouring out all the sour
Stuff happens, you get over it, here comes the next day
But what if I don't want to be here for it?
I'm getting really tired of having a wet face
Tears falling like on a schedule
Checking off the list to make sure the deed is done
I mostly just want it to end
I'm trying to memorize the colors of the sky
My best friends colorful eyes
The way the fur of a cat feels pur-fect against my hand
How I smile at little things
Maybe more than I should
"Innocent" is definitely used too often to describe me
"******" seems to be the better fit
Each day I try to find a reason to keep moving
I wait for my cry-fest to come
I pray that the day will arrive where I don't regret a thing
I will no longer wish for something else
I've gone through this dark time before
I'm going through it again
It's different this time because I'm aware of it
I know and understand that something just isn't right
But the hard question remains unanswered
How do I fix what's wrong?
What's Next?

Remembering the words I memorized to myself last night
I can't seem to put them together in the right order now
Somehow I thought I'd be able to recite those words to you
Without losing my voice and having to cough it back up
But just one look in your eyes and all is lost again
I want you to know how much you mean to me
How the fear I have of this world doesn't compare to my feelings for you
No matter how many tears I have at night
Your smile to me makes my body feel light
I worry too much about what you think about me
Am I just the little girl you saw across the room?
Playing games that made you skip and grin against your will
Or did I change after the first image popped in your mind of me
Bare legs, large top, never wishing for this to stop
You asked me if I was happy and I ripped my mental script I wrote
I told you, " I love you"
Because that line will never change

"I'm sorry" doesn't stop the tears
The sobs that release from my open mouth
Gaping and trying to hold in the truth  
My fingers grazing above my lips don't contain the sounds very well
"I love you" wants to escape me
But I trap it and hold on for dear life
For if it fought its way out, it would cause more pain than relief
"We can never be" echos in my ears
Don't apologize for telling me the truths we've been avoiding
The darkness surrounding me stays, eyes open or closed
I just wish I could hear, "I love you too."
But there was silence after I couldn't fight the quiet any longer

A shirt with a note
My nickname in bad cursive
Tucked away in my car
Holding onto what we never had
Fantasies that drove me wild
Sailing through dreams off the drug of your touch
A wife keeps you moving
I keep you smiling
I told you to leave me
So do it

You introduced me to Charles Bukowski
Not realizing I would fall in love with this raunchy old man
For a time, only his words could put me to sleep
You understood that though
Telling me that if this terrible man had the chance
He could tell me anything to get me in bed
No matter how resistant and headstrong, you know, I am  
But something crossed my mind
This man full of lust, poetry, and ***** is my worst nightmare
I’m trying my hardest still to avoid all that he is
The lust that has yet to entangle me
Poetry that’s warped my thoughts into lines and stanzas
And the ***** that’s instilled fear in me, I don’t want it near me
All that he is, I want far, far, far away
But I love him and his raw words
The letters he put together to form words
Lines, stanzas, poems
I’m too far gone in love with his mind
Good thing he’s not still alive
I really would be in trouble then
So, I sit and read his deep dark desires in an open book
Hoping you won’t be mad I can’t love you the same
For you’re the man who introduced me