God I wish Narcane worked on you
Cuz I’m dying to get a breath without you clamping down on my chest

Squeak squeak
Rumbleeeeee
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“MOMMMM”
“Hey babe I just got through security”
Rumbleeeeeeee
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“Those flying to Charlotte will board on gate A11”
“Girl let’s get a drink”
“Dad I’m on my way home, I board in 20”
Squeak squeak
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“Ladies and gentleman may I have your attention please”

You’ll go far and you’ll go home
You’ll run to love or from heartbreak
But nothing brings clarity like the unbelievable stillness in your heart as a wallflower in an airport gate.

Where is the space that  all of me converges
In what dimension does bone meet intuition
Is there a timeline when my necrotic heart beats to the drum of my ambition

What I’m afraid to admit?
What if I never *** again
From a twinkle of the eye or a curling of a lip

You’re gritty between my toes
I watch my roots sink deep
Anchoring me, through the high tide
Imprisoning me still
As you recede

Without you there is no reason to wake

I never expected you to hurt me
I thought I was cutting off the lust
And the impractical
To feel something real

But I was never ever good enough to you

I reached my hand out to you
And I was terrified
You could see it in my eyes
“You’re done with me”
No I say, I’m just afraid


Afraid of what?
You are bewildered
I take a pause and say
Your desire for me.

Because what men desire
They take.

I used to think I would never fall in love
But after him all I do is fall in love
Over and over
But I never let anyone feel secure enough to love me back.

I fall in love again and again and again
In silent torture

Smoke curls
Prison soap
Jameson

Eyes nose throat

Shut
Wide
Squeezed

Eyes nose throat

If it were one of the girls
I would tell them to run
Why do I not think I’m good enough to run

It’s in the good morning texts
And the look of pain when he smacks my ***
The way you tease me about Joanne
And spray cologne to visit me on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s in the way you stroke the crest where scalp meets face
Brushing my hair behind my ears
And then stroke where legs meet hips
Making my toes curl and back arch

I love you.

Tonight I won’t sleep
Maybe tomorrow I won’t eat
And the next day I may turn into a Marlboro Chimney

I try on different ways to **** myself slowly

Taught to think a partner is happiness
But never being truly happy with ourselves when we are a partner

Constantly trying to be better than the pornstars, models of his dreams
And let’s be real
Better than his mother

Sometimes I drive so far down the highway of my mental illness
My loneliness becomes my whole.

I’m just spinning in circles
Looking for signs
Looking for the road map.

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

The pain of numb so few will know
Vision as black as crow
I trace my raised skin
What made the tingles begin?

A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

I clutch harder to my safety blanket
And run my hands over the goosebumps
This too shall pass, little one.

I cannot say if I can
Nor even if I want to forget
Your hair as black as the night
With its touch as soft as satin

Because I find it everywhere

Laced around my clothes
In the seats of my car
And curled in my hands

Your hair, it keeps me up my dear
Draws my hands below my waist
I can still feel it brush against my stomach
As you tell me how good I taste

Sleep escapes me again.
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished.

And funny that a stranger stated my truth so plainly.
To describe these nights of torture ;
My existence ties my stomach in knots.

Was it the patchwork dress I wore for my 8th birthday
Or the mud pies we made after the snow melted
Was it the green and black pleated skirt
Or the behavior chart with little red exes

What of these things rooted
Shallow and wide like a redwood
Shading my heart and soul
Encasing me in doubt

I’m dangerous
He croaks, throat dry
His blue eyes open wide
Like pools reflecting his truth
Lonely for so long he stoped wanting anything more
And what a woman like me wants
He’ll never understand
But he still chokes me
And whispers your disgusting in my ear
The ***** of the year
Me: educated, beautiful, independent.

I’m not sure why I’m always squinting my eyes to the piercing light of my future
My own hands keeping me from seeing my potential

So many things I wanted to say
But the sugar coated my throat
And the cream turned my stomach
And your voice drowned my thoughts
So I opened the car door
And I walked back to myself

It was in the soft pattering of snow against my pane
It was in the crisp morning air
The stillness of the world
That I felt his soul untangle from mine
I watched his ghost dance across the wood
And slip through my door

Leaving me to quiver alone.

I tried to close my eyes and escape
But you and all the sadness surrounding it flicked behind my eyelids
The anxiety keeps me awake for days  
Flickering lights dance on the ceiling
Teasing my blank mind
And I’m not sure what’s worse.

For all my life I’ve been a woman obsessed
With taking up as little space as possible
To shrink my waist
And sink my cheeks

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With being heard as little as possible
To bite my tongue and not interrupt
To keep the ******* curse words in

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With winning the hearts of others
To see the twinkle in their eye when they smile at me

But I am thick, and I am loud, and I forgot to love myself.

Could I be more?

If the grips of anxiety didn’t choke me until I feel constantly on my last breath
If PTSD didn’t rid me of sleep
If sadness didn’t settle in my bones and weigh my body down
If BDD didn’t starve me figuratively and literally

Could I be more?

I closed my eyes tight
Focused on the rhythm
Tried to be okay with it

But I missed you so much today
And all I could think about
Was how your lips made a home
Your tongue a lullaby
And your hands wrapped around me was the closest I’ve ever felt to beautiful

Without you
I’ve had to relearn what I look like without your eyes to see me
I’ve had to relearn what my body wants without you to guide it

It’s been 2 months since I watched you walk out
And leave me in this hell

2 months since I’ve been homeless in my own home.

When I close my eyes
It’s good, maybe healing.
The comfort of hot breath to warm my neck

But I do not belong
And so I slide from the arms of safety
Release the chain, and slip into the rainy night

Without a sound
Without a trace

And he will let me go
Because my heart is always somewhere else.

I hate how much you mean to me
How much you have always meant to me

Full to capacity
With feelings for you
Love and anger and desire
Spilling over into every poem
Every conversation

He’s not as good,
No one is as good as you

But even if they were
I’m already over capacity.

I loved you so much I thought it would break me.
But missing you.
That’s so much harder.

Can roses bloom again
If it were to rain
On the grave of my heart