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Heather Apr 26
Lately I find that my life is shaded in many colors of grey
I neither love him nor can live without
I love the idea of another, but the way he treats me makes me hate him
I feel seen but also burdened by the later
And somewhere in the middle of this tangled web of half truths lies my lonely soul
Always alone.
Heather Apr 2019
I will never be that foolish again as to expect anything to break my fall but my own two hands.
Heather May 2019
Could I be more?

If the grips of anxiety didn’t choke me until I feel constantly on my last breath
If PTSD didn’t rid me of sleep
If sadness didn’t settle in my bones and weigh my body down
If BDD didn’t starve me figuratively and literally

Could I be more?
Mental Health is a disability that cannot be seen. It’s real, it’s painful, and often misunderstood. It manifests physically for many of us.

If you are struggling as well, you are beautiful and I am here for you.
Heather Apr 2019
I may never wrap my head around
What it was about you
That could make me run full speed ahead into that dead end
Heather Dec 2019
So many things I wanted to say
But the sugar coated my throat
And the cream turned my stomach
And your voice drowned my thoughts
So I opened the car door
And I walked back to myself
Heather Apr 2019
Each night since he left
I trace your words on my skin
I memorize the curve of the L
And try to imagine what you would say

But the truth is I haven’t the slightest clue
You never worried about men, so it seemed.
I wish you had taught me how.
Grandma- love you always
Heather Mar 17
Smoke curls
Prison soap

Eyes nose throat


Eyes nose throat
Heather Mar 19
I reached my hand out to you
And I was terrified
You could see it in my eyes
“You’re done with me”
No I say, I’m just afraid

Afraid of what?
You are bewildered
I take a pause and say
Your desire for me.

Because what men desire
They take.
Heather Apr 26
I can’t help but picture you in that bed
With wires and tubes
And I want nothing more than to stroke your hair
And kiss your face
But I am a phantom in your life
A dark secret, never to be uncovered
And I will sit in silent torture waiting for your consciousness
Powerless and fearful for the children  that were never mine.
Fearful for a life I was never going to be a part of.
Heather Aug 2020
Sometimes I drive so far down the highway of my mental illness
My loneliness becomes my whole.

I’m just spinning in circles
Looking for signs
Looking for the road map.
Heather Mar 17
What is it called when the very act of being near someone makes you want to drive full speed off of a cliff?

But you can’t be without them.
Heather Jan 2020
Was it the patchwork dress I wore for my 8th birthday
Or the mud pies we made after the snow melted
Was it the green and black pleated skirt
Or the behavior chart with little red exes

What of these things rooted
Shallow and wide like a redwood
Shading my heart and soul
Encasing me in doubt
Heather Apr 2019
I spent three weeks stewing in anger
Sweating you out of my pores

And today the fever broke
But my body still aches from the chills

I’m exhausted from having and losing you.
But now I see this doesn’t have to be my failure alone.

I am not the heroine of this tale
Just as you are no villain

We are two people
Who choose two different paths.

And when I strain I can still see the light where our path split
The lamppost of blissful ignorance
I spent the weekend with no phone camping and meeting new people. It was the push I needed to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And while I am sad at least the fury and denial are gone.
Heather Apr 2019
I tried to forget your face
While he was touching me
But your always waiting at the bottom of the bottle.
And in the folds of my pillowcase
Heather May 2019
Im in a race with the bottom of the bottle
Who will forget the way it feels to have you wrapped around themselves first?
Heather Dec 2020
Glassy and red
But oh so crystal blue
They’re beautiful
When you make me cry
Heather May 2020
It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.
Heather Apr 2019
Can roses bloom again
If it were to rain
On the grave of my heart
A passing thought
Heather May 2019
The blood drained from my hands
And drained from my head
Ran to my heart

Racing, flashing, dancing

Your brought me to my knees hopefully for the last time
I blocked your number today and with that I had the worst panic attack of my life. I was just standing in the copy room and it hit like a bag of bricks, brought me straight to the ground. It was the last bit of anxiety as I finally stood up for myself. And it hurt, terribly,  to leave you behind.
Heather Jun 2019
For all my life I’ve been a woman obsessed
With taking up as little space as possible
To shrink my waist
And sink my cheeks

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With being heard as little as possible
To bite my tongue and not interrupt
To keep the ******* curse words in

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With winning the hearts of others
To see the twinkle in their eye when they smile at me

But I am thick, and I am loud, and I forgot to love myself.
Heather Apr 2019
My therapist blinks
“But you know that’s no good”

I stare thoughtfully

“Yes what?”

Yes, I know how many calories it takes to keep from fainting,
To keep the growling at bay
To stop the cramping
But that doesn’t stop my body from revolting every time I take a bite
It doesn’t keep the calculator from running
It doesn’t make unsafe foods seem safe

Because nothing stops the pain like physical pain. And up until this point nothing has ever felt quite as good as hunger.

“Yes I know I can’t skip breakfast and lunch”

But my bones know the truth.
Heather May 2019
Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?
I miss you
Heather Apr 2019
Sometimes I’m tragically  sad
Unjustly so
And I’m tired of apologizing for it
Heather May 2019
She loves me
He lusts for me
They need me
You long for me
But I am alone
Heather Jun 9
When someone is bitten by a snake
You must **** out the poison from their wound
Even if you are the poison.
Heather Apr 2019
I wanted
And want
Nothing more than to make you smile
And know that you share that pure joy with only me

But we both know I had nothing more to give you
Because your staying in the sinking ship;
Going down without a fight
And I’m a swimmer
Swimming away from your wreckage
Im truly sorry I can’t be friends
Heather Apr 2019
As I lay here watching your favorite show
Which became mine
I think of how much I moved my heart towards yours
And how much you ran in the other direction.

And it’s sad.
Not because I love you
But because you will never love like me
Until you let go
Heather May 2020
For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then,  I’m breathless.
Something I found in my notebook.
Heather Aug 2020
I spent three weeks stewing in disbelief
Sweating us from my pores

Today the fever broke
But my body still aches from the chills

I’m exhausted from having and losing you.
These are a few lines from a poem I wrote a year ago that I like as a stand-alone.
Heather Apr 2019
Thank you for making me feel like your diamond
Though we both know this was a dazzling illusion
And for my trick?

I will disappear
Heather Apr 2020
A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength
Heather Jan 1
It’s in the good morning texts
And the look of pain when he smacks my ***
The way you tease me about Joanne
And spray cologne to visit me on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s in the way you stroke the crest where scalp meets face
Brushing my hair behind my ears
And then stroke where legs meet hips
Making my toes curl and back arch

I love you.
Heather Apr 2019
Take my hand she says
But even if I remembered how, I couldn’t
For all my hands feel
Are the tingling painful absence of yours
Heather Dec 2019
I always find myself begging for silence the most
When I’m sitting quietly on my own
Heather Apr 2019
Instead of having a key made
I shaved down the walls of my heart to make you fit

But In the end all Im left with is the damaged lock of our connection —

And the notion that I am so desperate to be cared for, that I would damage my own security.
But I still love you
Heather Jul 2019
I tried to close my eyes and escape
But you and all the sadness surrounding it flicked behind my eyelids
The anxiety keeps me awake for days  
Flickering lights dance on the ceiling
Teasing my blank mind
And I’m not sure what’s worse.
Heather Apr 14
I never expected you to hurt me
I thought I was cutting off the lust
And the impractical
To feel something real

But I was never ever good enough to you
Dating heartbroken
Heather Jun 2019
And since I’ve been there once
I can already tell you will break my heart
But I can’t stay away
Because love is magnetic
And this will only end when the poles change.
Heather Jul 2020
Every thought runs through my eyes
He reads my face
And repeats back my biggest fears to me loud and clear
“Yes I can tell your lost”
“Yes I know I’m perfect for you but you’re too afraid”
“Yes your ******* this up”

Takes the reigns right from my hands unbothered and leaves me shaking in the passenger seat.
Heather Jun 2019
And even though I don’t want to be hurt
I sunk my teeth into your flesh
Let your nectar fill my mouth and dribble down my chin.
Im hooked at first taste
Happy Pride
Heather Aug 2020
I wanted to call you
But I know you don’t want to hear from me

You say you’re always “straight up”
And “you’ll see me in December”

I wanted to hurt you
But I know I don’t matter enough for you to feel me.

You say you “really like me”
And “you wish your mindset was different”

I want you
But I know it’s a mistake
Heather May 2019
Full to capacity
With feelings for you
Love and anger and desire
Spilling over into every poem
Every conversation

He’s not as good,
No one is as good as you

But even if they were
I’m already over capacity.
Heather May 2019
I closed my eyes tight
Focused on the rhythm
Tried to be okay with it

But I missed you so much today
And all I could think about
Was how your lips made a home
Your tongue a lullaby
And your hands wrapped around me was the closest I’ve ever felt to beautiful

Without you
I’ve had to relearn what I look like without your eyes to see me
I’ve had to relearn what my body wants without you to guide it

It’s been 2 months since I watched you walk out
And leave me in this hell

2 months since I’ve been homeless in my own home.
Heather Jan 6
If it were one of the girls
I would tell them to run
Why do I not think I’m good enough to run
Heather Apr 2019
It was a massacre
My dead feelings circling the drain with my period blood and his *****
And for a fleeting moment I thought I saw your fingerprints
I wished for you the whole time.
Heather May 2019
When I close my eyes
It’s good, maybe healing.
The comfort of hot breath to warm my neck

But I do not belong
And so I slide from the arms of safety
Release the chain, and slip into the rainy night

Without a sound
Without a trace

And he will let me go
Because my heart is always somewhere else.
He wanted me to stay.
Heather Jan 2020
Sleep escapes me again.
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished.

And funny that a stranger stated my truth so plainly.
To describe these nights of torture ;
My existence ties my stomach in knots.
Something my social work client said in a service meeting today. She has a cognitive delay and bulimia. She is a reminder that pain does not discriminate by color, religion, gender or intelligence. She is a reminder that mental health is simple, and yet so complex.
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