Lately I find that my life is shaded in many colors of grey
I neither love him nor can live without
I love the idea of another, but the way he treats me makes me hate him
I feel seen but also burdened by the later
And somewhere in the middle of this tangled web of half truths lies my lonely soul
Always alone.

I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent in this mental tug of war.
Im still hoping to be better than the last time we said goodbye.
I’ve been walking the line between demure and unleashed.
The glitter of others catch my eye, tho fleeting
None illuminate me like you.
I feel the dimming as I walk deep into this cavern.
The farther I walk the harder it is to see that from which I came.
I don’t recognize me; not in my reflection and not in my heavy steps.
There’s no certainty that this is a path of healing.  
And I know healing; my hands have willed it with vashe soaked gauze.
And I know healing; I’ve auscultated it in lobes and bases.
And I know healing; I’ve smelled it in the excrement of the bedridden.
And I know healing.
I know healing?

Was I born with this
The part that  can’t be tamed
She craves chaos
A cigarette between my fingers
A straw parting my lips
My bare feet on stone, sand, tile, dirt, mulch, glass
But she’s never here when I wake to wash the cuts, to rinse the sin, to recover the funds
Is she me or is she chemical

What is it called when the very act of being near someone makes you want to drive full speed off of a cliff?

But you can’t be without them.

Im in a race with the bottom of the bottle
Who will forget the way it feels to have you wrapped around themselves first?

The crank of the pump is audible maybe for the first time
Drops joining a full line endlessly pouring into the vein
Skin so thin I can almost perceive the flow of morphine.. or is it blood?
I can count her bones as I clean
A pressure so light like when I was an infant and my father tickled my toes
No muscle or fat remaining they’ve already rejoined nature
But then the chest balloons, one shallow breath falling into step with mine
Sending a shudder down my spine like I’ve been electrocuted
Both of us hold our breath as i roll her bones
Black pools of blood on her back
Like ink spilling out on the page
vying to get out
And tell her story

Glassy and red
But oh so crystal blue
They’re beautiful
When you make me cry

It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.

Cuz mama when it boils down to it we’re all fools
And I’ve become the monster that lets him believe he can fool me more than once

The blood drained from my hands
And drained from my head
Ran to my heart

Racing, flashing, dancing

Your brought me to my knees hopefully for the last time

As I struggle for oxygen
And swallow the lump in my throat
I remember the way you saved me

As I skip breakfast
And walk for more and more miles each day
I remember how you praised me

I am as broken as I always was
And I remember what a beautiful thing to be

I want to suffocate your memory.
I want to burn your image.
I want to record over the soundtrack of your voice with a thousand new songs
Each day I wake up I dig your grave deeper.
It’s become so deep that the dirt has begun to fall on me
If only I could drag you down with me.

Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?

She loves me
He lusts for me
They need me
You long for me
But I am alone

I wanted
And want
Nothing more than to make you smile
And know that you share that pure joy with only me

But we both know I had nothing more to give you
Because your staying in the sinking ship;
Going down without a fight
..
And I’m a swimmer

For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then,  I’m breathless.

Thank you for making me feel like your diamond
Though we both know this was a dazzling illusion
And for my trick?


I will disappear

I always miss you the most in the spring time
I remember your flower shirts and linen pants
The way you would insist on brushing my hair 100 times a night on the front porch
How you always pretended you didn’t like your birthday
As your eyes glowed behind the candle light
You always seemed the lightest
The closest to your faith
The most comfortable
When the birds began singing
And the wind blew through the cherry blossoms