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Jul 21 · 19
On losing control
Heather Jul 21
Every thought runs through my eyes
He reads my face
And repeats back my biggest fears to me loud and clear
“Yes I can tell your lost”
“Yes I know I’m perfect for you but you’re too afraid”
“Yes your ******* this up”

Takes the reigns right from my hands unbothered and leaves me shaking in the passenger seat.
Heather May 18
For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then,  I’m breathless.
Something I found in my notebook.
May 1 · 3.2k
Heather May 1
It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.
Apr 25 · 256
Heather Apr 25
First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

The pain of numb so few will know
Vision as black as crow
I trace my raised skin
What made the tingles begin?
Apr 25 · 71
Making connections
Heather Apr 25
A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength
Jan 22 · 153
Heather Jan 22
First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

I clutch harder to my safety blanket
And run my hands over the goosebumps
This too shall pass, little one.
Jan 9 · 211
You left your mark
Heather Jan 9
I cannot say if I can
Nor even if I want to forget
Your hair as black as the night
With its touch as soft as satin

Because I find it everywhere

Laced around my clothes
In the seats of my car
And curled in my hands

Your hair, it keeps me up my dear
Draws my hands below my waist
I can still feel it brush against my stomach
As you tell me how good I taste
Jan 9 · 116
Heather Jan 9
Sleep escapes me again
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished

And funny that she unknowingly stated my truth so plainly.
All the wrongdoing and self torture can be traced back to this:
My existence leaves my stomach in knots.
Something my social work client said in a service meeting today. She has a cognitive delay and bulimia. She is a reminder that pain does not discriminate by color, religion, gender or intelligence. She is a reminder that mental health is simple, and yet so complex.
Jan 9 · 128
Digging in the past
Heather Jan 9
Was it the patchwork dress I wore for my 8th birthday
Or the mud pies we made after the snow melted
Was it the green and black pleated skirt
Or the behavior chart with little red exes

What of these things rooted
Shallow and wide like a redwood
Shading my heart and soul
Encasing me in doubt
Dec 2019 · 30
Tough guy
Heather Dec 2019
I’m dangerous
He croaks, throat dry
His blue eyes open wide
Like pools reflecting his truth
Lonely for so long he stoped wanting anything more
And what a woman like me wants
He’ll never understand
But he still chokes me
And whispers your disgusting in my ear
The ***** of the year
Me: educated, beautiful, independent.
#*** #adult #bar #hookup
Dec 2019 · 231
My inner voice
Heather Dec 2019
I always find myself begging for silence the most
When I’m sitting quietly on my own
Dec 2019 · 43
Heather Dec 2019
I’m not sure why I’m always squinting my eyes to the piercing light of my future
My own hands keeping me from seeing my potential
Dec 2019 · 40
Better Off
Heather Dec 2019
So many things I wanted to say
But the sugar coated my throat
And the cream turned my stomach
And your voice drowned my thoughts
So I opened the car door
And I walked back to myself
Dec 2019 · 85
The winter of our love
Heather Dec 2019
It was in the soft pattering of snow against my pane
It was in the crisp morning air
The stillness of the world
That I felt his soul untangle from mine
I watched his ghost dance across the wood
And slip through my door

Leaving me to quiver alone.
Jul 2019 · 308
Nighttime Flick
Heather Jul 2019
I tried to close my eyes and escape
But you and all the sadness surrounding it flicked behind my eyelids
The anxiety keeps me awake for days  
Flickering lights dance on the ceiling
Teasing my blank mind
And I’m not sure what’s worse.
Jul 2019 · 54
Your familiar
Heather Jul 2019
And like the click of my front door something shifts
And everything goes dark
And everything goes blurry
And I’m not sure where I went wrong
But I reach for your hand every time
Jun 2019 · 781
How do I rewire
Heather Jun 2019
For all my life I’ve been a woman obsessed
With taking up as little space as possible
To shrink my waist
And sink my cheeks

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With being heard as little as possible
To bite my tongue and not interrupt
To keep the ******* curse words in

I’ve been a woman obsessed
With winning the hearts of others
To see the twinkle in their eye when they smile at me

But I am thick, and I am loud, and I forgot to love myself.
Jun 2019 · 371
Peach Pussy
Heather Jun 2019
And even though I don’t want to be hurt
I sunk my teeth into your flesh
Let your nectar fill my mouth and dribble down my chin.
Im hooked at first taste
Happy Pride
Jun 2019 · 283
Older Woman
Heather Jun 2019
And since I’ve been there once
I can already tell you will break my heart
But I can’t stay away
Because love is magnetic
And this will only end when the poles change.
May 2019 · 328
Drunk again
Heather May 2019
Im in a race with the bottom of the bottle
Who will forget the way it feels to have you wrapped around themselves first?
May 2019 · 153
Heather May 2019
Could I be more?

If the grips of anxiety didn’t choke me until I feel constantly on my last breath
If PTSD didn’t rid me of sleep
If sadness didn’t settle in my bones and weigh my body down
If BDD didn’t starve me figuratively and literally

Could I be more?
Mental Health is a disability that cannot be seen. It’s real, it’s painful, and often misunderstood. It manifests physically for many of us.

If you are struggling as well, you are beautiful and I am here for you.
May 2019 · 165
Heather May 2019
I closed my eyes tight
Focused on the rhythm
Tried to be okay with it

But I missed you so much today
And all I could think about
Was how your lips made a home
Your tongue a lullaby
And your hands wrapped around me was the closest I’ve ever felt to beautiful

Without you
I’ve had to relearn what I look like without your eyes to see me
I’ve had to relearn what my body wants without you to guide it

It’s been 2 months since I watched you walk out
And leave me in this hell

2 months since I’ve been homeless in my own home.
May 2019 · 264
Heather May 2019
When I close my eyes
It’s good, maybe healing.
The comfort of hot breath to warm my neck

But I do not belong
And so I slide from the arms of safety
Release the chain, and slip into the rainy night

Without a sound
Without a trace

And he will let me go
Because my heart is always somewhere else.
He wanted me to stay.
May 2019 · 1.2k
I can’t feel you
Heather May 2019
She loves me
He lusts for me
They need me
You long for me
But I am alone
May 2019 · 198
Goodbyes are the Hardest
Heather May 2019
The blood drained from my hands
And drained from my head
Ran to my heart

Racing, flashing, dancing

Your brought me to my knees hopefully for the last time
I blocked your number today and with that I had the worst panic attack of my life. I was just standing in the copy room and it hit like a bag of bricks, brought me straight to the ground. It was the last bit of anxiety as I finally stood up for myself. And it hurt, terribly,  to leave you behind.
May 2019 · 43
Heather May 2019
I hate how much you mean to me
How much you have always meant to me
May 2019 · 493
Pour a little out
Heather May 2019
Full to capacity
With feelings for you
Love and anger and desire
Spilling over into every poem
Every conversation

He’s not as good,
No one is as good as you

But even if they were
I’m already over capacity.
May 2019 · 35
This will surely kill me
Heather May 2019
I loved you so much I thought it would break me.
But missing you.
That’s so much harder.
May 2019 · 114
Hurt Me Again
Heather May 2019
Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?
I miss you
Apr 2019 · 550
Heather Apr 2019
Can roses bloom again
If it were to rain
On the grave of my heart
A passing thought
Heather Apr 2019
I wanted
And want
Nothing more than to make you smile
And know that you share that pure joy with only me

But we both know I had nothing more to give you
Because your staying in the sinking ship;
Going down without a fight
And I’m a swimmer
Swimming away from your wreckage
Im truly sorry I can’t be friends
Apr 2019 · 712
Heather Apr 2019
I spent three weeks stewing in anger
Sweating you out of my pores

And today the fever broke
But my body still aches from the chills

I’m exhausted from having and losing you.
But now I see this doesn’t have to be my failure alone.

I am not the heroine of this tale
Just as you are no villain

We are two people
Who choose two different paths.

And when I strain I can still see the light where our path split
The lamppost of blissful ignorance
I spent the weekend with no phone camping and meeting new people. It was the push I needed to see the light at the end of this tunnel. And while I am sad at least the fury and denial are gone.
Apr 2019 · 118
Heather Apr 2019
Im trapped in that moment of silence after the airbag deployed.
Apr 2019 · 132
Year at sea
Heather Apr 2019
My 24th year
Sad and solemn

My lighthouse went dim just shy of its start
And my anchor simply dropped away

And here I spend it’s  last days
Stranded on open water

The sharks of future circling  

As the winds toss and turn me
Land becomes farther and closer and farther still

Im not sure when the storm will calm
Or the ache in my belly will cease

But I cling to my faith
That my light
she will lead from her dwelling place
And my ship
Im very sad today.
Apr 2019 · 114
Will the sun shine again?
Heather Apr 2019
It was a slow drizzle
And then a hurricane
And now I’m shelterless, floating on a raft  of grief.
And I wonder if the rain will ever stop
Can I paddle out of love with you?
Apr 2019 · 40
Just like Dr. House
Heather Apr 2019
As I lay here watching your favorite show
Which became mine
I think of how much I moved my heart towards yours
And how much you ran in the other direction.

And it’s sad.
Not because I love you
But because you will never love like me
Until you let go
Apr 2019 · 350
Calling All Angels
Heather Apr 2019
Each night since he left
I trace your words on my skin
I memorize the curve of the L
And try to imagine what you would say

But the truth is I haven’t the slightest clue
You never worried about men, so it seemed.
I wish you had taught me how.
Grandma- love you always
Apr 2019 · 217
Run the water
Heather Apr 2019
It was a massacre
My dead feelings circling the drain with my period blood and his *****
And for a fleeting moment I thought I saw your fingerprints
I wished for you the whole time.
Apr 2019 · 445
Heather Apr 2019
I tried to forget your face
While he was touching me
But your always waiting at the bottom of the bottle.
And in the folds of my pillowcase
Apr 2019 · 223
Never Quite Right
Heather Apr 2019
Instead of having a key made
I shaved down the walls of my heart to make you fit

But In the end all Im left with is the damaged lock of our connection —

And the notion that I am so desperate to be cared for, that I would damage my own security.
But I still love you
Apr 2019 · 576
Muscle memory
Heather Apr 2019
Take my hand she says
But even if I remembered how, I couldn’t
For all my hands feel
Are the tingling painful absence of yours
Apr 2019 · 93
Love with a Magician
Heather Apr 2019
Thank you for making me feel like your diamond
Though we both know this was a dazzling illusion
And for my trick?

I will disappear
Apr 2019 · 141
I accept me
Heather Apr 2019
Sometimes I’m tragically  sad
Unjustly so
And I’m tired of apologizing for it
Apr 2019 · 578
Bent until I Broke
Heather Apr 2019
I may never wrap my head around
What it was about you
That could make me run full speed ahead into that dead end
Apr 2019 · 408
Time after you
Heather Apr 2019
Time in heartbreak is a funny thing
It moves slowly but when you turn around to face the path you see that miles have rushed by.
Apr 2019 · 582
Hungry Bones
Heather Apr 2019
My therapist blinks
“But you know that’s no good”

I stare thoughtfully

“Yes what?”

Yes, I know how many calories it takes to keep from fainting,
To keep the growling at bay
To stop the cramping
But that doesn’t stop my body from revolting every time I take a bite
It doesn’t keep the calculator from running
It doesn’t make unsafe foods seem safe

Because nothing stops the pain like physical pain. And up until this point nothing has ever felt quite as good as hunger.

“Yes I know I can’t skip breakfast and lunch”

But my bones know the truth.
Apr 2019 · 244
Heather Apr 2019
I will never be that foolish again as to expect anything to break my fall but my own two hands.
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