I’ve had times in my life that make me unworthy.
I’ve committed acts that make people what to swerve me.
Knowing what I know now,
and if I could do back to the days of early,
Would I still be so undeserving?
Or would the world serve me?
Would I be a king?
Or just another urchin?

Worrying about it now will never serve me.
So I try to make my future work for me.
Push on forwards, keep on fighting.
Maybe one day I will do the right thing.
And if I don’t at least I tried,
I’ll be able to say that on the day I die.

I have lost someone today,
From me they were taken away.
I would love for them to fight to stay,
But that’s not going to happen,
Not for me anyway.

When a loved one is lost,
The heart is ripped in two.
When a loved one leaves,
A sadness builds in me.

Goodbye sweet kid,
Good luck with your life.
If you need me I’ll be here,
But it’s unlikely you’ll call.

I love you lots,
Much more than you’ll ever know.
I can’t take this loss,
But this everyone already knows.

When you suffer,
I suffer too.
No matter the situation,
I am right there with you.
When I see the pain in your eyes,
A little more of me dies.

I have failed you,
This I know.
I should have protected you,
But I didn’t know.
You never came to me,
This is my fault.

You were left to struggle on your own,
You were left in a world of hurt.
To see that hurts me,
To not be able to step in kills me.

My feelings are irrelevant,
This you and I both know.
Your feelings are the most important,
If only you believed though.

For you I worry,
For you I cry,
For you I would ****,
For you I would lay down my life.

For me you are my best friend,
For me you are my world,
For me you are inspirational,
For me you are amazing.

For us the world creates problems,
For us the world wants separation,
For us the world wants us to end in different destinations,
For us the world wants us to feel disconnection.

For you I would walk to the ends of the earth,
For you I would fight for all I’m worth,
For you I would do anything,
For you I would walk through the flames of hell carrying you in my arms.

Through all my struggles it’s hard to say
Which for me was truly the worst day.
There have been so many disastrous days,
But one more will end that I can say.
Stress, pain and struggle is all I know,
Down is the only direction I go.
If only things where different then I’d know,
What was the worst day that I’ve ever known.
Life is built on experience,
This I know.
There’s more to life than existence,
At least I hope.
For now it is darkness,
Just like I’ve always known.
I bear this weight With sadness,
I carry it alone.
My feelings are in turmoil,
My life in disrepair.
My heart hardly beats,
It’s been beaten in there.
My mind is closing in,
It’s a war in there.
Overall I’m falling with nobody to care.

When other people get involved.
It ends in disaster.
They think they know best, like lord and master.
When really they are just jealous catastrophic disasters.
If you don’t like it then leave that’s fine by me,
But don’t destroy my relationships with the people I need.

That person right there means a great deal to me,
But that doesn’t mean that you have to destroy my feelings.
There’s room for everyone or no one,
So take your seat.
Spend less time shouting at me.

My feelings get hurt,
Not that it matters.
My emotions get ignored by all others.
I may lose a friend I’m yet to see,
I just hope the worst doesn’t happen to me.

When we are running
We are not thinking
When we are lot thinking
We are truly living.

We imprison ourselves in thought
We prevent ourselves from growing
We stay stuck in the same place
Which stops us from going.

If only we could be
Both thoughtful and free
Only then in life
Could we get what we need.

We restrict ourselves from growth
We build a prison out of the mundane
We see freedom outside
And we tell it to go away.

If only I could see
What I does to me,
If only you could believe,
What you do to you.

Yes I know my sense of humour is dark,
But if you didn’t want to know then you should not have asked.
Yes it offends, that’s the aim of the game.
But it’s all in jest, done in humours name.

No you don’t like it, but why should I care?
If you don’t like me or my humour then stay over there.
Because when you whine about it I will fail to care.
When you complain about it you will get aired.

I don’t involve myself in your pathetic goings on,
Never at all, not even once.
So stay out of my life and mind your own for once.
I’ll never be interested in your life, so leave it you ponce.

You’re a fully grown man, that I can see.
But a pathetic little boy you will always be.
You want to give your opinion but really there’s no need,
We’d get more useful info from talking to a tree.

Your mind is tiny but your voice is loud.
You have nothing to say but you say it so proud.
I don’t care what you think and I never will,
So stop flapping your gums and keep them still.

Call whomever you like and feel you need,
Bring your army to little old me.
I will politely ask you all to leave,
And when you don’t I’ll call the police.

I should have listened to my mother,
She told me to think before I act.
After all the struggles in life I wish I could take my thoughtless actions back,
But I can’t so that’s that.


Running this race of life,
Leaves you feeling like you just might,
Get up and disappear into the night.
I don’t want to do that, I know it’s not right.
But here I am thinking I just might.

A life of bad decisions,
Thrown in with indecision,
Mixed up with a total lack of precision,
Has left my soul feeling like I’m missing.

It’s too late to change the past,
But I need to move fast to make the future last,
And indeed to watch the present pass.
Life could have been easier, it could have been a blast.

Knowing and knowing are two different things,
Therefore ignorance on two counts is an additional sin.

Not knowing and not showing,
That’s one more for the list.
If you don’t know then don’t pretend,
Because you will be caught out, in the end.

Not knowing but asking, this is ok.
If you don’t ask then you don’t find out,
Or so all the old boys would say.

But you ask and they laugh,
On the way home you cry all the way.

You would love to be smart and know everything.
But when you ask they laughed, you just can’t win.

As I sit here consuming the evenings last few conscious thoughts,
It occurs to me that the thoughts in my heart do not match the way I talk.

I talk of kindness, care, and of love, And of putting everyone around me way above.

I think and feel that I could ****, at the slightest drop of a hat.
Normal people do not think like that.

Knowing what I am is the scariest of thoughts.
Knowing I’m undeserving is a feeling that I’ve caught.

The darkness that resides within me, consumes my every thought.
Yet I have the audacity to walk a kindly talk.
I have the bare faced cheek to ignore my darkest thoughts.

They are part of me I know, but I must not put them on show.
The darkness is my failing, nobody else needs to know.

Every morning I wake up early.
I hate getting up, but a lay in is just not for me.
While the others in the home sleep, my mind starts to race.
Out of this warm and cosy bed I get, and around the house I pace.
Before much time has passed boredom gets up and takes it’s terrible place.
The silence of the house is deafening, almost like its screaming in my face.
Every moment that passes by has all gone to waste.
If only I stayed in bed this morning, rather than evacuating with haste.
Maybe then I’d be less bored, or at least no longer be awake.
But here I am awake again, like the sun and I are in a race.
One day I’ll get to sleep in, and wouldn’t that be great?
To have a restful nights sleep may be just what I need.
But the universe has other ideas when it comes to me.
It wants anything and everything for me.
That is, of course, with the exception a good nights sleep.

The day I lost you, I also lost myself.
You and I stood on the edge of the abyss, and together we looked over.
With your hand in mine we fell in and never stopped falling.
Further and further into the infinite darkness we go.
On the day you died, I died too, I’ll never be able to let you go.
That moment consumes my every thought, it taints my every feeling.
We are forever falling into the darkness of the universe.
Destined to be swallowed up and never return.
Your hand in mine for eternity, my son and I indefinitely lost together.

We are all fallen,
For we are all weak.
As we travel through the ages,
It is wisdom we seek.
In ignorance we bathe,
And in darkness we stay.
We allow our blindness to mislead on this day.
For we are no better than we ever once were,
The illusion is comfort on this blue and green earth.
But fear not and rejoice, for all is not as it seems.
Because to change your own world, you just open your eyes and see.

If I told you my truths you’d run a mile
I’d be left feeling empty all the while
The truth about me is plain to see
For those interested in me.
I am what I am,
I feel what I feel
And I think what I think.
Do you really want to know?
Or is this just another attempt to feign care?
Do you really just want my attention?
Instead of my love and affection?
Do you know me?
I mean the real me, not just my outward facade?
Do you want to feel me?
Or do you just want me to feel you?
Am I really the monster I think I am?

Between you and I
There has been pain and struggle.
You say hurtful things but think I live in a bubble.
You run to him with your lies and expect me to accept it.
It hurts my feelings, it cuts me deep.
But nonetheless I try my best to provide you with what you need.
You need love and I give it in spades.
You need support and I hold it up like atlas.
You need consistency and I make sure that I remain unchanged.
But no matter what you still run to him.
You tell him lies about me to make home like you.
He’s your dad, I’d never get in the way of that.
But I love you kid, surely you know that?
I tell you my feelings don’t matter but really they do.
Every time you do this it cuts me in two.
But still you expect unwavering support.
He picks you up and drops you whenever it suits,
But still you insist on cutting me in two.

There are times in life when we all change
Nobody is born then stays the same.
Every single moment of every single day brings its own engine of change.
Who you are today is not the same as who your were yesterday.
Why fear change when it’s the only constant in your life?
Why fear difference when it’s the only thing we have in common in life?
Embrace the change,
Try not to stay the same.
Because the effort alone will drive you insane.
Constantly fighting the change will drive those you love away
And you’ll be left wondering why everyone changed.

They look at me,
It’s like they think I know.
They ask me for direction,
As if I know where to go.
I try my best to provide it,
But there is no way to hide it.
The fact that I just don’t have a clue.
So don’t look to me,
I don’t know what to do.
Don’t ask me,
I’ve nothing to tell you.
Don’t pray to me,
I have no way to save you.

One day I may be made to pay.
To pay for the crimes of my past
To pay for all the pieces of broken heart
To pay for it all.
If I could travel through time and change the past I would.
I would repair and repay all the damage that I caused.
I would undo all the destruction
And bring order to the chaos
Unfortunately I am unable to travel back in time,
Instead I am just waiting.
Waiting for the day they come and take me
For the day I have to give retribution
For the day I have to forfeit my own life
For the day I get what I’m owed
For the day you get what you need
On that day it will be the end of me.

I came into your life ten years ago and for the longest time you just didn’t want to know.
I understood your feelings, but still it caused me pain.
On the day I entered your life, I changed what I am.
No more being selfish, time to be a better man.
For you deserved more than the life had gave you.

You were separated from your mother, by a cold and evil hand.
All I could do was watch, and weep where I stand.
All the while you hated me, and so you took a stand.
I wanted to be there for you, to support you, and to hold your hand.
They all told lies to you, about who and what I am.
So for your hatred, I get it, I truly understand.
In recent times you have grown into the finest young lady I know in all the land.
In recent times I’ve tried to show you, and make you understand,
Just who, what and why I am the way I am.
I feel we have grown closer, but that may just be where I stand.
I hope you grow to love me, and respect who I am.
But if you don’t, I get it, I truly understand.

I will always be where you need me, no matter where you stand.
Because to me you are my daughter, I hope you understand.
I had no part in making you, because I’m not your real dad.
If I was your father maybe a better life would be had.
Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.
These people tried to separate us and prevent us from this bond.
But no matter the circumstances, for you I will always try to be strong.
It brings me joy to see you succeed,
It tears me apart when I hear you weep.
I just hope that one day you’ll want to come to me.

Should I listen to this devil that lives within?
Should I let my anger out? Or should I hold it in?
All these thoughts and feelings are making my head ring.
I’d love an easy ride, to feel free enough to sing.
But instead I am stuck with this devil inside me, battling.
It’s a war of attrition, one that no matter what nobody can win.
It’s a terrible position that we all find ourselves in.
You run the race wrong when you enter to win.
It’s time to change tactics, you can’t possibly sustain and survive the sprint.

Life, as you travel through, gets you in its twists and turns.
Traversing the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups because the downs deplete you.
You need to get up and fight, not let it defeat you.
You barely have the strength to stand, yet giving up does not exist within you.
You are all in, you’re fatigued, you’re spent and your tiered.
Your soul is just another victim of the comprehensive depletion.
You’re a hollow shell now, but still you don’t surrender.
What do you fight for and why do you stay?
Do you battle this world for just one more day?

To me you are my world,
My only reason for existence.
But you seem so unhappy,
Is there something I’m missing?
Do you have what you need?
If not then tell me, I will listen.
Do you need more love?
More than is given?
Do you need a helping hand?
Or are you strong and Indipendant?
Do you need more support?
Or is that already given?
Do you need space?
Or is too much the issue?
When I see you hurting,
I need you to tell me something.
To me you are my world,
Far more than just my children.

Life is costly, With all the time we take.
We spend our lives worrying about what we’ll make.
But when it’s all said and done it’s all about the total spend.
We have a finite amount, And none to lend.
As sad as it is, time kills us all in the end.
So spend it wisely and create no waste.
Enjoy what you have and forgo the haste.

Who am I?
Am I a person I like?
Or am I the living embodiment of all I despise?

Do I get to choose?
Or do you decide?

Am I judged on my actions?
Or on the person inside?

What if the outcome is negative when we decide?
Do I give up who I am?

Abandon myself for your adoration,
Or continue on as me despite your abhorrence?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
And sorrow is in the heart of the sufferer.
But as I grow weary and older,
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
I often stop to wonder,
Is this life the same for me as it is for the others?
Do they feel the pain that flows through me?
Or do they look on in wonder?
Are you proud to be my friend?
Or will you turn on me in the end?

When can I rest?
When all the work is done?
Or when all has fallen around me?

Can I stop now?
Or do I have to keep going?
Do I have to keep struggling?
Or am I allowed some peace?

I need to know,
I need my questions answered.
I need your permission for me to stop,
Because it’s hard work putting you on top.

Being a stepparent is a fate worse than life.
I spend my time feeding into relationships that will not stand the test of time.
I am here as support, no matter what you need.
But no matter what I do I’ll never be he.

He who made you,
He who abandoned you.
He who caused you pain.

No matter what he does, you love him all the same.
Whatever I do I am looked on with disdain.

Being a stepdad is the hardest of all work,
Using me and running to him,
It makes my feelings hurt.

Yeah he may have made you but he never put in the work.
I don’t want to take his place,
I just want peace.

For you to love me will make me forever pleased.

In life I struggle,
To share my feelings with others.
My logical facade,
Is the flimsiest of covers.
Underneath rages a fire of emotion.
I find myself incapable of release.
I find myself living without peace

When I write my heart does the work.
When the pen hits the paper
My emotions escape with a relentless flow.
I spill it all and out it comes.
Waves of feeling that I cannot control.
Rapid flows of pain and joy crashing into one another.

If only I could talk to people like I can to paper.
Maybe then I’d be a better man
Instead of a lost little boy with nobody to hold my hand.

All I do is fight,
It is ingrained in my soul.
To stand up for myself,
To defend my position,
To me is all I know.

I am tired now,
I just want to lay down,
To accept oppression in my heart.
To give up being me.

I am trapped,
Leaning on who I am,
While being crushed by how I feel.
I am losing this fight.
I have lost.

When I am lost,
My identity cannot be found.
When I am down,
The sky cannot be seen.
For right now I am swimming in a sea.
A sea of indifference.
Truly a dangerous place to be.
I could be happy,
I could be sad.
But no,
I am just...

It’s a dog eat dog world,
Or so they say.
But for me it is worse, unending pain.
I feed the dogs and provide them with support.
But when it comes to reciprocation, those dogs fall short.
Do I deserve the love I give, back?
Or do I deserve the pain of this knife in my back?
Should I be the enemy?
Or am I allowed allies?
Wherever I draw the line I am the only one on my side.
Nobody to help me,
And nobody to care.
When I fall down I can count on the floor for support.
When you fall down you have me for support.
I catch you when you are falling, and save you from impact.
I stand you up and I dust you off.
I wipe away your tears using nothing but love.
You look up at me with disdain before you run off.
It hurts me bad and it cuts me deep.
But never in your life will you care when I weep.
Why do I do it, I hear you ask.
But explaining myself is an easy task.
I treat others how I want to be treated myself.
Even if reciprocation is never felt.
I will never get treatment for my broken heart.
My feelings are deep,
And indeed heavy.
I carry it on my shoulders even though I’m not ready.
I hold it up for you on a daily basis.
Atlas had the world on his shoulders,
That’s an easy job for him.
I carry eternity, and a fight I’ll never win.