Before the illness descended on my brain
I never felt particularly insane
Eating disorders are not all about wanting to be thin
The pain is much deeper and emerges from within
Your self concept is shattered.
I don't think others understand
What it takes to recover, to escape quicksand.
Eating disorder thoughts are rotten and cruel
They convince you that you are a complete fool
They spit negativity into your head
You believe your thoughts, tears are shed.
Your appearance in the mirror you continue to hate
Vile thoughts continue to berate
Try living with that constant dread
Like walking around with a boulder on your head
At some points wishing you'd be better off
Congrats! You've gained weight!
Your physical health has returned, look at that heart rate.
But I gained more than I wanted to gain.
My mind is spinning, the thoughts are insane.
My mind is battling a war each day.
As I try to go to school, be a human, be okay.
The strength and will to do that is intense.
To live with your mind continually on a fence.
To have restriction sit in the back of your mind.
As you try to keep up with school and not get behind.
It is not a choice.
Is not a choice.
But recovery is.
To try to live how I want to live.
If you come across someone battling this fight
Commend them on their courage and might.
Be their support.
Even though you may not understand.
Lend a listening ear or a helping hand.
Be the difference in their day.
Help stop their thought spiral, remind them they're okay
Anything you say
Makes a difference.
Makes a difference
Love and care will fuel their fight
To know their thoughts are not right.
People usually kill themselves when they're horribly depressed,
As I am.
People usually kill themselves when they're horribly lonely,
As I am.
People usually kill themselves when they feel like they're trapped,
As I am.
If you want somebody to blame,
Then blame the people that asked for $2687
When they asked me to quit my only source of income.
Ask the people that only care about making money,
Without a thought about who it hurts.
Ask me about my depression,
Ask me about my loneliness,
Ask me how my day went,
Or rather, ask my friends.
I have never felt love like this before
Everything else has been dull and boring
So when I say that I love this man
I full heartily mean it
It feels like I’m in one of those high school rom coms
When the straight white girl meets the straight white guy
Her whole world is flipped upside down
And they grow up old
I didn’t think I would ever be able to experience this kind of love
And I don’t know if you ever have
Because if you have ever felt this passion and love
Then you wouldn’t want any minute anyway from it
My exes never really cared
When I say I loved them
It was completely true
But this one is life changing
The way I get butterflies in my stomach when I see the twinkle in his eye
And the way he looks my body up and down, feels my stomach and hips and then tells me
I never want to experience anything different
This man has become my body guard
When I feel his arms wrapped around me, I know that I am safe
I know that no other man should come my way or else my boyfriend will fuck you up
And he genuinely cares
When I seem even the slightest bit off
He doesn’t just wait until I feel better to try and fix the already fixed problem
He drops everything he is doing to be with me
And that’s the kind of man I want
I want a man that would leave dinner
To meet me on a park bench while I’m crying
I want a man who will get me drunk
Then hold me in the bathroom while I cry and confess everything on my chest
The way we started wasn’t ideal
Cheating on our girlfriends just to taste each other’s lips
Wasn’t a good idea
But you can’t tell me all of your relationships were 100% perfect
He understand me when no one else does
When i say some weird metaphors to my therapist
(Which he frankly can barely understands)
My boyfriend will sit and listen until he figures out the riddle I told him
I speak in code
And he starting to crack it
Even though it scares the living hell out of me
He is trying to break down my walls
Mom, I have built millions on millions of bricks to keep this wall up
You have taught me throughout my whole life
To protect the ones around me and not myself
But with him, I feel okay to break down the walls
He is shedding it layer by layer
Brick by brick
And I am letting him
Because I want to let him in
I have never wanted anyone else inside of this dungeon
But I think he’s the one who can break me free
My dungeon of depression has been home for 17 years
And I am ready to show him my house
I have never been sure about anything in my life
I have always been so indecisive
But when it comes to him
I know that I want to be his
I want to be his one and only girl
I want to come home and see him everyday
I want to tell him about my secret
I want him
So mom, when I say I am in love with this boy
I mean it
And when I say he makes me happy
It’s because I have never felt safer
I love him
I woke early today
I finally opened my window
Pulled apart the curtains that hung so perfectly
Better than I ever could
Take a deep breath
And let some air in
I saw the light I've been craving
Since summer left
You became my stepping stone
To get me closer to the sun
Just sit back and watch me grow
No longer will I wilt under your overbearing knock off glow
I Am Lost
I am handsome
I am caring
I do good in school
I have friends
I am happy
I like a boy
He smells heavy of cologne
But I like it
He's in my fourth period history class
He’s very funny in class
I talk to him Sometimes
But I don't think he knows I like him
“Basketball is a very important sport”
“Basketball is essential in my life; if I do not play I will become sick and die”
“No I don't understand question 7”
“Yes Brandon, I believe the basketball should be part of our national flag”
He's a macho kind of guy
So I can't flirt with him all that much
Six months ago I ran into him the hall
He looked so good with his hair pushed back and his new jacket
I couldn't help but smile
The next day I told him how I felt
I didn't know he’d tell all his friends
I didn't know how fast news could travel
I didn't know they'd make fun of me
I didn't know they'd say awful things about me
I didn't know people would treat me different
I didn't know how I felt was a sin
I didn't know how my parents found out
I didn't know why my dad stopped talking to me
I didn't know who to talk to
I didn't know how badly I needed it to stop
Until one day ; it did
I am bound to societal norms
I am drowning in discrimination and unequal rights
I am forced to live my life the way others see best
I am numb to the pain that tags along with each name that is thrown my way
I lost my friends
I lost my appetite
I lost my will power
My grades dropped
And so did my mood
I became an outcast
I was sad every day
I cried every hour
But from now on that won't be a problem
I won't be problem
I'm going to stop this the only way I know how
I never knew what it was like to be in love
I never married
I never had kids
I never graduated
I never had a judgement free zone
I never had positive thoughts
I never found help
Last wednesday when my eyes shut for good
I only hope
I opened someone else’s
I have a hole
Inside my chest
I try to fill it up.
With dodie tickets.
Like glitter in the wound,
I bleed out.
I keep having dreams of you,
and they're absolute nonsense,
you're absolute nonsense,
please let me be,
leave my dreams be
nonsense, but without you in them.
...I got my writer’s spirit amputated a year back
Doctor Perfectionism said it was a lost cause
Heavy like an anvil resting on my brain
The anvil of the hardy wordsmith I used to be
Nurse Inspiration was the one who removed it
With a scalpel
Sharp like a fox’ teeth plunged in my head
The fox that used to whisper clever plays on words to me
Mortician Motivation buried it deep underground
In a coffin
Shut like the gateway to my mind now is
The gateway that used to unroll a red carpet in front of my feet
For all intents and purposes, it should be gone
I would never write another word
But then what is this feeling?
Is it phantom pain?
He was her first
But that wasn’t it
He was also the beginning of hell
The beginning of something unspeakable
The beginning of her secrets
The beginning of the dark nights
The unstoppable her
This was just the beginning darling
Just the beginning
But what did she know
She never knew
No one knew
Every night is the same.
"Tonight's the night!" she'll exclaim.
Then she'll hit the town
lips coated in red, eyes agleam.
The only problem is that it never ends up being 'the night'.
Or perhaps it does.
Nobody can really tell.
She's never told anyone what 'the night' is.
How long has she been saying that for?" one person asks.
"As long as I can remember," another replies.
Maybe tonight will be the night.
Whatever that means.
Scared to death,
That when I wake up,
I am someone else.
Through all these days,
I stay wise,
Even though my mind,
Is going wild.
This is the story of my life,
I 'split' to anyone,
A stranger I never knew,
A person I never met.
My mind speaks,
One is like me,
The other is who?
I have no idea, what will happen next in my Life.
I do not know how my Life shall play out in the end.
There is nothing guarantee in any of our Life here.
For in reality , it is you not us that decides our Future.
For we can only Pray and Trust that you shall be there.
To Lead us down the Right Path, that we are meant to take.
Trusting that in the very end, you shall lead us Home .
All that we can really do is Trust that everything here.
Shall end up okay for us, as well as our Families too.
Because only you can Lead us, and restore to us too.
All of the Things, that this here Life has cost us here too.
For only you can see what the Future here holds for us.
I'm not a perfect anything,
or even a fallen star.
But you make me heavenly darker,
by just being who you are.
Your fingers burn from my tears,
I can't exist in your heart anymore,
while we just sit there and cry.
It just leaves us both so aching,
Spinning down into each other's eyes,
God I wished you loved me.
It can't be.
Even if it was,
I'd be shattered by half past three.
You kiss her,
you can't kiss me.
Better be a broken heart,
than a cruel flutter.
Lost in the city
United by poetry
Things which trends
Few find their soulmate
Others find a friend great
Here found one with like mind
Maybe past lives were entwined
Great to have a tea with her
Heartfelt talks heartful together
A grand date with a poetic soul
Who is assigned the divine role
We will catch up again surely
Another meet to be planned shortly!
For both East and West
I-Am is the universal experience..
I-Am is the white screen
around these words..and
that out of which the words
I-Am is the space imagined
around each thought and
perception on this Saturday
I-Am is the perennial space
around all science..all religion..
Yet I-Am is overlooked and
hides entangled in our
So..we need extract and then
return I-Am to these words
and to those multiplicities
of our rapt attention
on this Saturday morning...
A year ago today my faith was tested
I gazed upon the face of my sister and yet
cancer distorted the woman I knew
I go home to shower and my Nephew comes in
"She's gone, we all left the room and she left".
Mourning shoes are put on
The usual chaos, drama, screaming
yelling and people pissing on space
once shared by us all ...wanting to covet her
to our breasts
Closing up my emotional shop
I move forward this whole year with
a knowing that she for once is flying
high with all our friends and family...
Today I couldn't function well
the tears with memories of her letting go
and me forced to let go overwhelmed me
I've never felt so alone sister. I never
thought I'd have to live without you
here I am...alone, in body, mind and spirit
I feel forgotten, you knew me, and still loved me
I feel betrayed, and yet know better
I hate to feel because the hole in my heart
that's been empty since you left me aches
I'm trying sister...I'm trying~
I am help captive in the arms of my captor
Only looking at the future it gave, no other
Walking up the path filled with grave-given, fallen flowers
I rise above the clouds having hope as my only power
This is she to me, España y Filipinas
I must confess
I had sex with my ex, yesterday
It isn't exactly what I intended on
Their warm body fit mine like a broken in baseball glove
I don't expect much to come of it
I'm learning to not expect much of
We enjoyed each other's energy
As I ran my fingers through their hair
Like I did before
But this time it was different
This time, I didn't care of tomorrow
Wondering if I could do this again
Wondering if I could keep them forever
Instead, I recognized the beauty in a moment
I was grateful for their being
I was grateful for their fruit
To let my tongue dance
With the idea that forever is the ugly sister
Misused, abused, and forgotten
Due to the only constant that her sister Change, will always win
Morning comes and the sun is shining down,
In through my windowpanes;
Bottlescaps scattered on the bedroom floor;
Rolling out of bed, thinking to myself,
When will this cycle end?
Reach for a bottle as I make my way to the door.
I just want to feel okay for a change,
Is that so wrong of me?
So I take another drink
And fill my body with demons I can't see
Evening comes and the sun is going down;
I'm stumbling through my door;
Got a bottle lined up for the night;
Hit the bottom and I'm still not satisfied —
I guess a second's fine;
Six or seven and I'll start to feel alright.
I just want to feel okay for a change,
Is that so wrong of me?
So I take another drink
And fill my body with demons I can't see
I sit here in the dark,
the emptiness that
There is but one question,
one meaning and purpose,
one that I can't fathom.
Through me life, this simple,
there are things I've done.
I've hurt people, torment,
through my explosion of
expression, Anger... Silence
I know I've hurt you,
as painful as that is
Yet, through it all,
you're still here,
withstand, ever present.
No matter what explosion,
what outburst I apply,
here you are... Why.
You say it's out of love,
you say that no matter,
no matter what... Love
I've pushed, I've prodded,
pushing buttons, breaking barriers,
when I shouldn't...
I don't mean to hurt you,
I never do, I never did,
But still you comfort... calm.
No matter the pain,
the pain that I've caused,
here you are, caring, loving.
I know that you could do better,
better than what I offer
a seemingly endless barrage..
Why? Why do you stay,
stay in the place of endless,
endless pain... Why?
Is this the love everyone speaks of,
if so, why am I,
why am I so ashamed, undeserving.
I try to push you away,
because I know I...
I hurt you, yet you stay.
I love you, but I don't,
I don't want you to hurt,
not anymore, let me leave... Please
But no, you won't let me,
you continue to love,
a love that is so... undeserving.
You've done so much,
so much love, but why...
why do you put yourself... in pain?
I don't think that I can,
I don't think that I can
ever make you happy, ever again
Yet you smile, a smile so
full of love, patience
an understanding that I can't accept.
I ponder and I question,
no matter how I drag it out...
Why are you still here?... with me...
with my pen -- my intent
written on parchment-
The man I needed-desired-
my power was at it's peak
I had to do this now
each one was specific-
learned from the past
what I needed-what I didn't
what would feed my soul
what would feed my desire
the man who would know
what to say - what to do
where to touch-how to calm-
he would be everything-
no other before could be-
the one who could bring me
to my knees-
while lifting me up-
the one who could quench
my thirst-my hunger for
something I could not
put into words
only he would understand-
The candle burned bright
as I finished writing the
He will love me beyond measure
body-soul and mind-
I folded the parchment
placed it into a tiny little box
hidden from sight-forgotten for years
You came into my life so familiar-
the words you spoke
the way you touched
my body-soul-and mind-
so perfectly you-so perfect for me-
can this be true-can it be real
when I wrote the words
by candles light-
I conjured my man-my soul's mate-
the man in the box-
you turned out to be
more than I imagined-
all that I desired was also your desire-
sets my mind to wonder-
who conjured who
Puddles of exhausted days cleanse the Earth,
absent the promise of advent pain or joy;
greatness, humming its tune in a muted voice of desired power,
masquerades as a lone lily eagerly awaiting growth.
Once a maiden, borne of love and wanderlust, though
pierced by an agonizing reality synthesized from doubt,
now royalty, paving her path to ascension on slanted land
keen on ensnaring her under its shared deprivation,
yet she beckons! Her demons unfathomably whisk away;
nightmares suffocate within her potent cocoon,
and her bright soul illuminates the dawn that breaks.
Alexander shamelessly bathes in its everlasting warmth,
for dawn is absolute, thereby equal to her word. Consume it.
The echoes and thrill of the wind
Comes beside me to remind the sins
I was a fool burnt in agony , lost at a height
and there’s no escaping it
These millions of ambassadors of the sunlight hit me on the face , take away my sight
The myriad small creature we are , consumed by continuos decay ,
And there’s no escaping it.
A lot of chaos , the end of the mayhem , one day will come, upon this land ,
All will be wasted and there will be sand... Oh sweet sad Satan , please let us suffer here in this tool shed...
do I have
to write or say?
I must search
myself I'd demean
if from duty
I walk away
for too easily
ego takes the day's
and I in my folly
fall a ready prey
ah, the grandeur
what role should
on the shore
or to my shame
my puerile self
and callousness display?
I and the world
others and I
faces I encounter
as each person
I walk by
I should not wear
I should unlock
to breathe and take in
life as it manifests
even in its most minuscule
and humble is-ness
I shouldn't walk away
either in nonchalance
or derision but feel
the common pulse
of which I'm part
thereof or become less
of what I should be
for all life is verily
one heart beating
in the corporate symphony
whose every note
speaks of both
you and me
of our joys, our sorrows
our fears, our tears
our common humanity--
and I can't but think
of Beethoven's immortal Choral Symphony
An Die Freude set to Schiller's poetry
and to myself I say
make this a day
of joy and thanksgiving
my very day
I might not again
pass this way.
I hate the fact
That I found myself
In spending a weekend
intertwined with you
You wrapped your arms
Around my waist
You left kisses
In my hair
You made me feel
Like I was beautiful
But it was just 3 days
And now we don’t speak
“What happens here stays here”
I guess that’s what it means
is seen at dawn
a rising sun on a dock
will toss his own
trawl in the hours
before he opens
the store his grandfather
built by the shore
for mending nets
and selling bait
the old man remembers
how to weave
from spruce root fibers
or wild grass
he recalls being along
seeking the perfect
rocks for weights.
the nets today
from nylon, not organic
but it's not fabric
he can't work on,
his fingers genetically
to efficiently feel
to mend with detail
new seams the fixes
a net needs
in town believe
the net-mending man's
soul died when
did, abducted and killed
by her mother's
the old man
to fathom how
the little girl slipped
through the strongest ties
that bind, a family's
love and care
in his sunset years
soothes his heart
he will see her
soon, as his trawl fills
and lines in silver
Every night, lying awake, staring at the ceiling.
Pretending that things will get better.
Pretending that it will pass.
Empty even now. When I should be happy.
When the problem has been resolved, and the feeling still remains, more problems are revealed.
What can I do to change it.
I know sitting here will do me no good.
Does writing these even help?
Has my escape been corrupted?
Does anyone even care?
Sounding pathetic, as usual.
The only thing you're good at is feeling sorry for yourself.
Why don't you just do us all a favour and ...
Surely there was more to you than that. Has the soul left you?
Has the essence of what made you gone to a far away land.
Does it call to you?
Do you want to join it?
Who are you? Really. Look at yourself. Make up your mind. Living in a constant cycle of disappointment, unfulfillment, and misery is no way to live.
Just stop talking
Just stop trying to make others relate
Just stop typing