There were plenty before you,
But don't get me wrong
You were my first love.

The priors i loved but
I was never IN Love
Till the day I met you,
Your innocent smile & golden heart
Never will I forget;
How you told me
I was only your second kiss,
You were 18 how could this be;
You were reserved n pure
Before you met me.

A year of on and off
& we fell IN Love
You knew the ****** deeds I did
& one day near the end of summer
You invited me over; caught me by suprise
When you lead me to your room
And removed your shirt

The pregnancy scare
Is what tore us apart,
I wasn't there;
Trust was broken,
& faith in men destroyed,
You never smoked
nor drank till after this
You must have been trying to escape

We stop talking
Cause you needed space,
I never once thought I should text.
You felt unwanted n used
By the way I lacked to try
I destroyed you,
corrupted you,
And I'm guilty of that

We agreed to stay friends,
But that didn't work
& we went our separate ways
Then last Christmas as if a miracle,
You came back into my life.

I never stoped loving you,
Never stopped hating myself

I let be known
That I'll lend a ear
When ever your down.

You must think I'm being sweet
Just to get another hit,
But the truth in the matter is;
I know you'll never take me back
Not after what I did

But I still feel guilty
And I wish to mend the wounds
After all I'm the one who caused
Them all.......

Remember the day we laid eyes on each other. a moment of silence a moment of truth a moment between me and u. remember the day we held each others hands. a moment where 2 heart became one a moment where smiles spoke in silence a moment that would last a lyf time. remember the day we huged. the moment where no one else existed. the moment the earth stood stil the moment that our heart stoped beating. remember the day we kissed. a moment that we felt lyk fanting a moment that sent shivers down our spines a moment that brought out our true feeling. those are the moment that we can never forget!!!

Straight out of prison
Wondering what I've been missing
Right out of the gates I stuck out my thumb

A van load of hippies
All from Mississippi
Stoped and asked, hey dude...what's going on

I'm here for adventure
Well hop in then Mister
Adventure is what we're all about

Now where we're all going
There's no way of knowing
A van of hippies and parolee freshly let out

We ended up in Disney
Me and all of the hippies
Where we had caboodles of fun

We met Mickey and he saw it
When I lifted his wallet
Now we're in the Magic Kingdom all on the run

We split in different directions
To throw off detection
It's A Small World is where I made my mistake

With that song stuck in my head
It's a fate worse than death
Prison now sounds like a wonderful place

We rendezvoused in
The Pirate's Of The Caribbean
Where soon after, in came the law

We all jumped from our boats
Splashing around in the moat
And had ourselves a good old fashioned pirate brawl

We soon made our escape
Out of exit door 88
Finding ourselves in Frontier Land at night

Where in the middle of the street
Were Mickey, Donald, and Goofy
All with guns strapped to their sides

We ran into a shop
And bought guns on the spot
All with Mickey's money...he's a mouse of a man

Mickey squeeks we're going to ruff you up
As Goofy holds up the cuffs
And Donald says something we can't understand

We had a shoot out
With cap guns no doubt
After all Disney runs a safe place

Ran out of caps in our guns
Which stopped our lives on the run
The wrath of Mickey we all now would face

After justice's hammer
I'm now back in the slammer
This time I made my own prison bed

Now I cry every day
What more can I say
With It's A Small World still stuck in my head

When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

2 year's ago
Hey God, it's just me.
I'm trying to reach out to you again.
Why don't you ever talk to me?
The people at my church say that they hear your voice in their times of need.
Well here I am sitting behind a closed door because I can't face anyone with tears in my eyes; but I'm reaching out to YOU...And you still don't answer my prayers.

1 year ago
Things seem to be getting worst, but I'm trying to look on the bright side;
I know you will make things better over time....right?
That's what others are telling me.

3 months ago
Actually, when I think about it; you've never answered any of my prayers
You never stoped the bullying, I did.
You didn't get rid of my mom's tumor, it's still there.
You couldn't get me through my problems because you never answered me.
I'm trying, im REALLY trying to believe in you right now but your not giving me any proof..
All I need is one, just one prayer to come true
Then I will know I haven't been relying on nothing.

last night**
No? Nothing? Really?
So now it's up to me to make things better,
Here's goodbye to the higher power that Is known as our Lord and savior.
I just want to know why.
Why when I have no proof of you, I still try?
still try and talk to you, to believe in you?
Why am I even writing this?
Is it that you actually don't exist or that your ignoring me?

For my birthday
you bought me my favorite book
That I already had
for your birthday
I bought you
the party

when you met the new boy at school
I told you he wasn't a good guy
you did not listen
when you told me
that the boy I'd known my whole life wasn't a good guy
I list without question

last night
you told me that your mother did not approve of my new haircut
this fact I already knew
last night you told me that you are uncomfortable and ashamed standing next to me
this fact I did not know

8 years ago when I met your parents
I was astonished and ashamed to stand next to them
for they pinned you to the wall like a dartboard
like a piece of meat for their game
they pushed pins in you of self doubt
of self hate
They said to you word I had never heard and adult say to a child before
if they could they would have cut into your flesh themselves
taking razors to every fat cell they did not like
8 years ago I stood up to them
to do what you never could
1 week ago even after you stoped listening to me I stood up to them
I tried as desperately as I could to take away their words

now
I stand here as your own personal dartboard
and because of that
I am now ashamed for you to call yourself my friend

She decided she would take a short cut through the thick dense woods
The red and orange horizon signaled the sun was about to retire from the sky
So she hurried in, her steps where quick, she was begaining to wonder if she should
It was darker under the dense cover of trees it felt like a place one could die
She just lowered her head and hurried on
The forest had a thick carpet of leaves and moss
The thick gray fog was sweeping in strong
She was getting fearful that she might get lost
She slowed down a little, she heard something behind her
She stoped and listened, a very soft snap of a twig in the soft forest floor
She ran so fast her lungs were screaming she was almost a blur
She couldn't see through the fog, she ran on and on till she could run no more
She stoped and listened, trying to slow her breath
But something was chasing her, on almost silent feet it tread
She found a rotten log laying on the ground and hid, for whatever was coming was bringing death
It quickly closed in upon her, what she saw brought only dread
It stood on two clawed feet, it was almost 8 feet tall
Covered in a thick brownish black fur
It had a wolf type head, white sharp teeth lined it's enormous jaw
She put a hand over her mouth to stifle a scream, trying hard not to stir
She knew what the beast was, she had watched it in horror movies
It was man turned beast, a werewolf, a curse come to life
Her mind was trying to wrap around this thought, it was to surreal and spooky
Trying to figure out how to get away, afraid she'd have to fight
Automatically her hand went to her silver cross necklace
At that instance the beast claw crushed though the rotten log
It had smelled her, her attempt at fleeing where feckless
Quicker than she could move the beast pounced on her like a dog
She pulled at the cross the chain stretched then snapped
She held it in a white ****** grasp, with only the point sticking out
She scurried back in the dirt she was trapped
She could see it's hot breath puffing white out of it's nostrils on it snout
The werewolf snarled, snapped, and drooled
It's claws shredded,blood splattered, her clothes and skin
She rolled left then right, trying the beast to fool
The best turned it's head to fallow her movments, she found it's eye and stuck the silver cross deep in
It stood up and let out a most painful howl
It gave her time to slide out from under, and run
She ran for her life, only taking a quick look back to see it clawing at it's ****** eye
She came to the edge of the woods just as it was breaking day, this short cut had been no fun
She tilted her head to the sun in the sky
She was ok except for the long scratch on her back
And a slightly twisted ankle she made her way home

They say come shine with us brotha
We'll make you a star
Above the life your living
Into a new beginning
They Really want you to Illuminate...
So They'll scope you out, take your talents
and you'll Illumainate..
Out of the darkness
of nothingness
the normal everyday
Into a new relm of darkness
Blinded, guided all the way,
So You'll do as they say
becasue you want their way
of lifestyle they portray,
But thats not their everyday
But You Illuminate.....
On the black and white
cause colors don't exsit
well not by themselves
just hidden in abyss
But you Illuminate....
Climbing to the top
your light can't be stoped,
As a pawn in their chess game
you just want the fame
Because you Illuminate....
You think we are not the same
And you do as they say
found no better way
to see but out one Eye
an As You Illuminate...
All You see is I
Cuz To you thats who got you there,
But they know it was them
and You so unaware
You Illuminate
For Him,
Marrying the night
with contracts that seem so right
and then Your tied to strings
To Illuminate
All there things,
the corruption of the pure
No longer your own source of power,
But they're your electricity
Causing you to Illuminate
The way they want you to be
Binded To the ROC
Universal Mind control,
But everyone Once a chance
To Illuminate The Soul....
Making this your goal
you dont understand,
They say to be great...
You Need To Illuminate....

Its disgusting..
How we see the future being stoped and skipped.
Life is no Dvd player
Whether you poor,rich,fat or slender,
Its life that we talking about
There's no restart or backspace.
If you not ready to be a mother
Nor a father,play safe
You always have a choice
Some say its free
I say its up to you.

Who are you?
To **** an innocent soul.
Is God you?
He or she wasn't the cause of whatever you going through!
Its a child for heaven sake
You eat stake
And ask "what's for desert"
Because you know its ***
Now face the consequences
Man up,and face your responsibilities

My heart aches when I see posters in streets written "One day Pain,SAFE ABORTION"
They even have guts to write it in capital letters
Where is the love?
I always look above
And say "Lord forgive them,they do not know what they are doing"
"Call Dr.Naidoo on 08ABORTION"
Do you call that normal?
Well educated people call it abnormal.

You shout Vote,vote,vote!
Its election time now,I won't vote no Cope
Until this stops!
Who will vote when you allow Doctors and fake Doctors to **** our sons and daughters?

Buphi ubuntu?

I'm forever circling over the tree tops
I don't have to flap my wings, I just glide non stop
Just trying to find some place to land
For your clock was stoped, you've ran out of sand
Don't worry no pain I bring
You won't feel a thing
I will feast upon your rotting flesh
It is my very favorite dish
I will gobble it all down even the wiggling maggots
And whatever else there inhabits
I do my circling dance in the sky
Just to let others know that near by
Something must have died, and lays baking in the sun
And I will soon be having fun

(Rant)

It’s weird how people who are in charge of influencing our futures grow tired of doing just that, then complain how we lack direction.

I’m calling out the teachers who stoped caring about the complexities each child has in their life, and instead of taking the time to understand and help develop their abilities and talents, they have their students to the bare minimum to make their own jobs easier.

This doesn’t have to be just teachers though, it can be parents too. The ones who never learned to heal themselves so their child grows up in the dark looking up to people who lead them down the wrong path because that’s the only way they can get the love and attention they want.

It started with once a week.
"Just to calm my nerves"
Then twice a week.
"Not a big deal."
Thrice
"I'm fine"
Everyday.
Twice a day
"I'll be ok," you say "I only light up once in a while"
Since when dose  five times a day equal to once in a while?
"Im not like them" you say
But you are
Running,
Hiding,
Pushing it all away,
Just like them.
Then you stoped hiding behind the smoke.
You act happy
You pretend you're better
Fooling some, fooling yourself, but to me your crystal clear.
You're far from better
You stopped smoking.
But what of those marks?
Like rivers up your arm.
Paranoid you've become
"More" is your only care
You'll never catch the dragon
You're falling
Drowning
Dying
Outside showing your inner dread
The hunger is consuming you
Hiding it is no longer an option
Your mother is a mess, whose all alone
Your father, long dead
Friends stopped calling
So please wake up
We need you
I need you
So please
Kick this addiction
Tackle your demons
Now I'm starting to drown along side of you
I miss you, I need you
So please
Come home
I won't judge
I just want you whole again
Please...
Try again
Please...
Before we both slip away

You know how the story goes
A little girl thrown in the rabbit hole
Sides to steep so there she stays
For years and years and days and days

As she grew the hole got deeper
The world was determined there to keep her
It did a really good job
For living in the hole was very hard

Every time she seen the light
The universe would put up a fight
So she never reached the top
She was always stoped

Now even her bones have gotten cold
In the abyss she's grown gray and old
For others sin's she was made to atone
Her only defence was to turn to stone

She never did get out
Through she fought every bout
In every fight she was knockout
So if you see a statue in the abyss
You will know who it is

My father's sister Salome crossed the rainbow bridge she was my French and native link to family root I found after 28 years appart
My daughter Rose drove us to a nearby ocean front to apeace
my grief, breathing in the gentle
sea breeze and sitting on the sand together
Other people enjoyed beach activities too
I had water in a paper cup
but no food remained in a bag,
when a crow unexpectedly landed alone by my side
no other raven/crow were seen.
perhaps attracted to my silvery long hair flying maybe from
my daughters house 1 mile away from Marina where I often fed crows and ravens cat food.
This raven/crow's feathers glistened in magestic dark bluish green hues. I'd caress its plumage but didn't not to ***** it
it wasn't my purring feline!
It deared trust me further  though pointing it's beak at my cup of water and it drank thirstily as I held it joyfully to its beak gently quietly as it drank;
then it pointed its beak
to the empty bag so I
appologized moved in regret
for no more food was in it.

My girl took photos of this awesome moment but she
never mentioned its greatness again my Rose simply said something unexpected to me
"don't feed crows in my home"
Jeff does't like them around!
and I felt her tongue's needle
also in my heart!
Such rare moment in time
a universe in itself!
time had stoped!
with a hungry raven/crow
this tender moment
lived only in my memory
without the pictures taken
untill now sharing one crow's gentle greatness and courage
to land close to one human
seeking food.
The graceful raven/crow's
encounter!
Rosie's own loving mom,
instantly reveared and
trusted BEST by a greatful intuitive trusting creature
a raven/crow!
How special it made me feel!
to choose me by the sea.
How deep my girl's comment
stung that since married
Rose behaves indifferent
where once tenderly moved!
wrongly misguided by
strange racist bad people 
Rosie"s hill billy superstitious
ignorant white trash in laws.
My evil ex's sister ugly snake
in every Mothers paradise
a "fat pig" she calls herself a Mansons advocate almost
turned me into a murdered pregnant Sharon Tate!
Lizz in the habit of arranging
calls to my three girls in laws, sons in law, my old boss at various employment
bussnessess a hate crime of old
saying my name and cursing them so I get fired then telling my girls nobody liked me at work either! brain washing them
and assassinating my character!
Lizzz since age 12 a drug user ******* to control rage in her brother two pees in a pod
my ex once told Lizz in a moment of lucidity;
"you'll never be half the
woman my Mexica-American beautiful wife is."
Since then my life is hell
No. I don't blame Lizz shes mad
I blame myself trusting her
hearless impotent brother
my grown girls are under their spell they mingle with vipers now
Surely even a courageous
greatful raven/cow has
more grace and common
sence to trust me Mom
to nourish and care for it.

This is my life in the big
apple USA
who wants my script!?
it's up for sale!
povery is a *****! please hurry.
or I'll be famous after death!.
~~~~~~~~
By:Karijinbba
All Rights Reserved
Revised 4/2/19
(excerpt from my memoir!)
(AA/Bba/Asg. (proudly)

A year ago life was perfect
six months ago life became a hell
today I¨m lost in time and space

I remember dying after seen that smile for the last time
dead stoped my tears, lies stoped my heart

Living now in this earth
my mind floating out in space
waiting for my next death
I¨ll never be prepared
it is what it is
and whatever will be will be.

Heartbeats
& Technology
You got to tell me what your saying
Cause my heart beat ain't feelin it
And technology got me drifted
I don't feel you
I feel the music
I do see you
But it's useless    
Cause if I stoped would you hear me out    
If you listened I would shout            
But your too busy
And thinking too much got me dizzy
Everything is just too hazy
Im sober but im feeling faded
Like look down there
As I stare at my body talking
I see an explosion
Can you see it
I'm trying to show you but you can't see it

my confusion overcame me but then left me as fast as my confidence of will .Hyde was leaving me but Jekyll wouldn't.
such a quick tripp in silent argument i ended up in a blue room with humorous graffiti, the graffiti spoke, it was my friend, it knew my
name . I had no ones attention but i had the art . the tiles  appeared in the ceiling and they moves and danced with  the fan so gracefully the fan moved in a waltz so beautiful so tender so slow so precise the tiles lost its place and eagerly enough proved itself again.the room was dark but i could see a variety of lights rushing in vertical and horizontal motions constantly changing leaving me in awe. They all moved and they where all so happy , i was happy. The simplest things amazed me the room spun so slowly so evenly and increased in speed as i breathed and i smiled slowly and time stoped .. i understood everything, everything understood me and i felt accepted .

you sit there
to the right of my eye
dancing about like giddy fool
but when i look directly at you
you disaperate
to a world unknow
then i presume reading
and back you are
dancing again
almost taunting
i know that if try to take a glance
youll be gone back to your other world
still dance you are then
couriousity gets the best
i look you are gone again
then thoughts pour in
"am i going insane"
then the peives like voice say
"you all ready are"
see speck youve made voices apear
it annoys me so but as contineu to write
but this time dance
it seems as thought you feel my anoence
then just as i was about write that you felt for me and stoped
you are back and this time more jittery that ever
now i am almost shaking with rage
i thought you were nice
but now you are not
its almost as thought you remind me of someone i know
but yet i dont your descriptsion is on the tip of my toung but then it is not
just like your jitter dance
aha now i have it
you remind me of me

Weak is my will
Missing is my skill
Aim not straight enough to ****

I'm a wounded animal with a dangerous bite
No where to hide I must fight
Backed into a corner, what a sight

Better watch out I've gone feral, I've gone madd
I've lost what little sanity I had
To the marrow, to the core, my souls gone bad

Talking to a God that's gone MIA
He never listened anyway
That why I stoped, now I never pray

Been driven over the edge with all the pain
Now agony is what reigns
I'm tired of this ****** up game

I'm sick of a life that fosters
Only Demons in my roster
With my mask, I feel like an impostor

So this skin I'm gonna slice right through
I'll pay my dues
I'll leave a blood stained hue

Then I'll slink back from where I came
Heaven or Hell it's all the same
They both play the same vicious game

A woman once said , honey you will die
one
thousand
times
before you get through me
and looking at things in that perspective I must agree
this whole mystery thing isnt easy
speak in deformed patterns so atleast I wont see
your trying to figure out who it is, this person,
this person named me
the song plays I stoped everything I was doing
and just sat to watch the sun dance in this marvelous way
its not moving no, but its dancing
the wind is blowing all the flowers and dandylions they are all dancing together too
how many times has the wind invited you
a lonesome creature it is getting rejected so
but I take advantage of it, I never let the oppurtunity go
what secrets about life it may whisper to your lips you never know
next time it invites you dont say no

Fear is on my mind
Thinking about whats on in life
Never stop thinking about the reaper
Who he gonna ****** next
My life is a mix of depts
Plus im never really up to something
Ima go help the world thats exciting
My momma told me show no fear
Wait till I tell her what i make a year
No wonder my brothers choose the savage life
I cant even pay my fines
Starting to feel like theres no love
My only wish is to make it rico
Allways regret the things I do
Never really stoped feeling like a tool
I'll never make myself happy
My minds like a wheel of fortune
Allways lands on depressed
Ive been feeling like a fool
Maybe I cant make it here
Someone said stop that youll regret it
Made me feel like a hundred bentlys
Want to stop the gates and shut the doors but the things are allready on the floor
All my friends just turned away
This all made me raise the stakes
Shut the door
Im alone
Thats what I allways hate

It was cold inside the room,
Colder than Russian winter.
The moon was knocking on the windows.
Everythings frozen,
Even shadows stoped their dance.
Listen to the sound of pure silence
Can you recognize that sound?
Another minute of your life fell and smashed into pieces.
The room is ment to be the one that is never rented,
So empty,
That emptiness would hardly fit inside your little world of decorations.
It is possible that some day the phone will ring,
And the room will be destroyed.
It will not survive such disturbance.

It starts in my in my fingertips
A shaking offness
That spreads to my heart
It beats to fast
Pulsing drum
sickness in my stomach
Spiraling mind
I'd wish you'd call
You won't
You'll hate me forever
You won't love me
No one will love me
Not if you stoped
No one ever
They are lying
I annoy them too all lying
School
Money
Lost
Unattractive
Talentless
Worried
Failing
Everything failing
Can't breath
Won't tell
Everyone will look at me worried
Can't worry anyone
Just sit shaking
Frantic panting
Won't stop can't stop
Panicking
3 days of this
I really wish you would call
That would stop the spiral

How unfortunate how sad
It can't be considered a bad luck
A lightning has struck
Above my head, a rain that won't stop

I've accepted it, my fate
A story Im going to state
Its up to you, you can give me a rate
Misfortune that is just too great

I have this question in my mind
Though, I know I'm not kind
And the time isn't right
A true lover, why can't I find?

Well, I found you
But I know, I'm not meant for you
You are too good to be true
My chance to win you is too few

A man came across my sight
Suddenly my world stoped
I know, this isn't right
This feeling I can't fight.

He is so fair
Looks that are extremely rare
But for you, you don't care
All I can ever do is just stare.

I sure didn't see this coming
You weren't even on my mind.

I sure would have stepped to the side
And missed one heck of a ride.
Hell baby, you ain't my style


Living dolls break easy when
I hold them close to me.
Bad juju baby
Black cats line up

Mirrors laugh and jump of the wall
Cause lover
You ain't my style

You pulled my number from the bingo hopper
Lined and hooked me good an propper
Thank you darlin cause you just wasn't my sttyle.

Don't even know when I stoped wiggllin
Trying to spit your hook

Cause darlin you are my style
Can't stop cheezin and cooing

Don't even know what I'm doin
My baby. My honey
My better than money
Oh baby you
Just my style.

The little girl that used to be so happy is now torn to bits from the disappointment and dishonesty of the people that once grasped her trust.
Her body trembles, destroying every ounce of decency and bravery she build up for herself, crumbling to the depths of her soul like an earthquake. Her demons wave her heart on a string like bate as her only hope was to catch it and be free. Her soul in which resembles an endless pit that was dug by the people with the determination of ruining her life, their only goal to make her feel anything but human. She trembles only to cradle herself in the blood stained arms that read "broken" and "useless".
She walks the world, but does not have enough strength to hold off the judgement and infectious torment from the people around her, falling to her knees in defeet.
The strings of her heart play beautiful melodies which can only be accomponied by the sound of chalk streaking across the blackboard of the classroom in which she sits in silence, only to be bombarded by the memories of self hatred.
Her eyes tell stories of times changed and gone. The hurtful sayings of the horific beings who threw rocks at recess stain her cheeks through the long nights of the nightmares she can never form the words to describe, only to line her lips. The lips she forces into a smile everyday that insure that her loved ones don't have to worry.
She carves "I'm fine" into her brain only hoping that the words she repeats to herself will finally sink in.
Her torso scarred from his hands, expossing everything she has tried to hide. So broken, you can look through her rib cage and find the heart with the messy stitches sewn from shaking hands because she could never find anyone else to support her.
Her legs are stakes in the ground as white flags, surrendering to the pain and showing her signs of weakness. Each step she takes trying to walk out of life she does not want anymore forms another crack in her plastured exterior.
Her eyes have grown accustomed to the dark where she has been forced to hide.
Jealousy taking over her as she looks into the eyes of the beautiful beings who greet her with real smiles.
Her ears are pulled inside-out only to hear her horid thoughts.
Perfect souls greet her with kindness only to be stoped by the harsh words she repeats, creating a bubble filled with the poisonous laughter of her demons saying "you lost".
She has no choice but to stay in her bubble because she has been infected with false reality and depression, she stays to keep her loved ones safe for if she leaves her bubble then they will get hurt.
So she wears a sign around her neck that reads "dangerous" only hoping they are smart enough to walk away.

A golden heart stoped beating today
Calloused hands are now at rest
The twinkling light in those deep brown eyes have gone away
You where the very best
In a cold cruel world that left you splintered, you only left your light
For every painful thing done, and cursed word spoken
You fought by letting your spirit shine like a beckon in the darkest night
You paid the world back thrice with love and devotion
You will be extremely  missed by so many
For you healing touch in people's lifes are way to many to mention
I wish I could turn back time and start all over from the beginning
I needed more time with you before your untimely ascension

I braided my hair
so it wouldn’t
fall into your face
and touch
your smiling lips

When your lips
stoped smiling
then I stoped
braiding

i believe you said your last goodbye
and you finally left my mind
fossils are ready to be found
but i guess you're no longer inside
i have stoped writing about you
no more poems
or cravings left too
i had never felt this empty before
not loving you
turned me into a fool
at some point i knew that things
had to change
it could no longer be this way
but i have forgoten the taste of love
and i no longer believe in it
you were the toughest love
and so difficult to find

Steaming body, heat stops the rain from falling.
Run far far away my thoughts kept telling me.
I reach you're door, the bell rings three time,
Dig...dig...dig... I am shacking and nervous.
Unwillingly the door opens with a screeching hiss.
I entered when told to, the home ever so quite.
Voices all around me but unable to recognize a voice.
I would reach out for help but fait has already been sealed.
A book left open with names of those I don't know.
Where am I and why am I here.
Flowers ever so beautiful lay in the corner.
The sent of a garden I used to water once a week.
Everyone is dressed so nice but what is the occasion.
I woman kisses me on the cheek and holds my hand.
She apologizes for a reason I do not know.
The sun was shinning like a beautiful woman's smile.
Tears fall to the floor as if a tittle wave hit.
Confusion clouds my mind, frustrated I have become.
I need to leave but something beneath the flowers holds me back.
Grabbing apon me, please let me turn back!
I am frightened, angry, and overwhelmed!
Please take me home! I cower like a child.
I close my eyes and wish this all to go away!
I mustered up the courage to open my eyes.
As my eyes opened from what it felt like to be an ever lasting darkness.
My heart stoped beating as I knew where I was.
Looking down apon you laying ever so still.
Cold at the touch of you're skin.
Inable to open your eyes.
Shame fills my body.
I'm sorry.

Straight out of prison
Wondering what I've been missing
Right out of the gates I stuck out my thumb

A van load of hippies
All from Mississippi
Stoped and asked, hey dude...what's going on

I'm here for adventure
Well hop in then Mister
Adventure is what we're all about

Now where we're all going
There's no way of knowing
A van of hippies and parolee freshly let out

We ended up in Disney
Me and all of the hippies
Where we had caboodles of fun

We met Mickey and he saw it
When I lifted his wallet
Now we're in the Magic Kingdom all on the run

We split in different directions
To throw off detection
It's A Small World is where I made my mistake

With that song stuck in my head
It's a fate worse than death
Prison now sounds like a wonderful place

We rendezvoused in
The Pirate's Of The Caribbean
Where soon after, in came the law

We all jumped from our boats
Splashing around in the moat
And had ourselves a good old fashioned pirate brawl

We soon made our escape
Out of exit door 88
Finding ourselves in Frontier Land at night

Where in the middle of the street
Were Mickey, Donald, and Goofy
All with guns strapped to their sides

We ran into a shop
And bought guns on the spot
All with Mickey's money...he's a mouse of a man

Mickey squeeks we're going to ruff you up
As Goofy holds up the cuffs
And Donald says something we can't understand

We had a shoot out
With cap guns no doubt
After all Disney runs a safe place

Ran out of caps in our guns
Which stopped our lives on the run
The wrath of Mickey we all now would face

After justice's hammer
I'm now back in the slammer
This time I made my own prison bed

Now I cry every day
What more can I say
With It's A Small World still stuck in my head

Does whats on my mind frighten You...do my words make you afriad...I didn't mean to startel you...You told me that you were brave...So i said what I had to just to clear the air...Its ok if you tell me that you really didn't care..Cuz i know a lot of friends dont...Some might, some just wont...But when You read my read my mind...well im just glad you stoped by...Cuz just to show me that you took the time...Instead of passing my mind by...