Here's to the ones who loved and just forgot
Broken promises, easy endings, no tying the knot
Perhaps they lost before and that was their shot
Around and around they go, the ever loveless lot

Here's to the ones who never thought a thing
About heavens that soar and angels that sing
Gates up in the clouds and a heavenly king
Smothering the ungodly flames that hell bring

Here's to the ones who are above the rule of order
Steering clear and clever from the symptoms of cancer
Minding, winding their stories into their own favor
Rather than to the social systems they know better

Here's to the ones who are devoid of anything good
Whatever path they lead—will always be misunderstood
The eternal monsters and demons of their neighborhood
Not even the exorcists will save them even if they could

Here's to the ones who look at life with a skeptical screen
Something bad must have happened in between
Distorting their eyes once so pure like crystalline
Soiling them with a reality unmendable and obscene

Here's to every nonbeliever in this world both beautiful and sorry
Believing in their own terms glorious and free,
though rather* **painfully

I am the Frankenstein
of my inspirations
A **** poor compilation
of yesterday's explanations
I shave with a meat cleaver
chop liver the nonbelievers
You could never save me
I'm where's Waldo against a backdrop of galaxy sized barber shop lollipops

of course i wish i could create the words
to send shivers through your body
and rattle you right down to the bones
of course i wish i could pull gasps and cries from the crowd
and force tears down the cheeks
of even the most stubborn of nonbelievers
of course i wish i could make music with the way
i arrange 26 funny little shapes
or splash paint across the walls of every mind in the room
or at the very least, say something
but the truth of the matter remains
that i may never do that
and my words may never be anything more than words
and they may never mean anything
to anyone
but me
but maybe,
if it's not too much to ask,
you could take this little bit of me with you
fold it up small and put it in your pocket
or your wallet
or tuck it behind your ear
and promise me
that when the time is right
you'll unfold it and feel something

All these words i embellish with this pen,
are just a window they use to look within
they just might flow when i ingest this gin
but all im doing is recording my sins



they dont understand as my chest starts to burn
i take a deep breath, my fears scatter as ashes in an urn
and i begin flowing, the words begin to churn
coming out of me as the syllables begin to turn


I knew as soon as I saw Mrs. Angelou's "Still I Rise"
There was nothing that could make me lose faith, not even their lies
The nonbelievers were the killers in my eyes
and those very nonbelievers were who lost my ties

What should I do?!
Help me,
I am bewildered,
As all normal things are becoming weird.
What is real?
Your fear or my hurt?
Let's in a while change our 'chairs',
I suggest you leave your traditional chains.
Which are forgivable?
My lies or my real pains?!

And you make me lie, knowingly I hate it
'Cause you carry inside your worry
You try to make me put off my coat
Like in the story,
As the wind tries with violence.
Which is more valuable?
My excuses or your silence?!

I lied, but I am on the same way,
With my inner wrath to slavery
With full of force going ahead.
Which do you want to choose?
Your anger or mine instead?!

It is really hard
To lose the light I found with you,
And it is very perishing for me
To fight with you
I wish you were much more deeper,
At least as an insane poet.
Still, I struggle with him inside,
And he resists saying 'do it!'
I see his anger to my lies and cowardice,
I see his anger to all existing realities...

Now I try to pierce into your deepness...
I have seen both reflections of tears in your eyes
Tears of thankfulness and regretting.
With the first one, I began to live,
With the second one, I blundered and dag my own grave.
Resist only one of them, make a human choice in your cot,
Decide, what was better for me?
And for you from me getting?!
The real ones which were yours or the fictions were not?!
Did you burn my inner feelings I gave to you?
Did you ignite them because they were not yours?!
I wish you had burned them courageously before,
When you deemed that they really were yours!
....And the reality is,
They had always been!
I just lied to make you sure and that you were not afraid
And I tried to hurt myself rather than you,
With my lies and with your untrustworthy attitude.
But my those feelings will remain gallant and nothing can change,
You have only ashes of them you deserve,
And it is something like my revenge.

You made me be stingy,
You broke my hands with full of merit and joys
Maybe it was like you were getting first-time toys?!
I am not a playground, sorry,
I only intended to rejoice
The precious one who made me feel deepest...

And all my presents are now spread around,
You can get them when you will only be courageous,
However, I cannot give them anymore.
And I will keep my apathy again as I had kept for ages.
Was it too hard for you to be respected?!
Maybe you were not too mature to hold them
And you had more shaky hands than I expected?!

What the hell would happen, tell me please,
If you were generous and brave forever?!
If you were not afraid like for the first time?!
We could hold it together with you,
We could hold it without any fault or crime,
We could hold it regardless of nonbelievers,
We could call it even something trustful and new,
Like the feelings inside of sisters and brothers...

You said that we give the meaning to anything,
So, I named all the things sacred related to you,
That's why I did not keep them secret,
And never hesitated to tell,
But you came around with your cold anger
And I saw you even call sacred - the hell
And you tried to persuade me to it also.
Thank you, I have my own hell inside
Which never can be accepted as holy
But I would never want to show it to you,
I would never want to make you down, of course,
I have my own god who shares only intrepidity and mirth
And my god is not cruel as yours!
You justify and forgive the fault of your god,
Who created the satan and committed the worst crime,
But you are ready to judge and even denounce me -
A straggler drowning in the depths -
Like the most dishonest one
For my unwilling and unruly misbehavior.
I perceive the truth,
That you can never understand me
And never can be on my side...
I stand beyond good and evil,
But you can embrace only simple contents.
You are not mature for virtue of not embarrassing someone,
You own only habits,
One example - just to ignore peculiarity.
We will be only on our own ways hereafter,
And all that we had lived we will brush aside,
Maybe it is not even your own fault,
Just we are like to our gods inside.
With your tyrannic and frightening creator,
Go ahead, don't stop and go forward!
But I say - I hate him!
And I always will hate!
Because he made us be shallow and coward!
He taught you to fear of something you really feel
And to run out from what you cannot understand.
He taught you to be superficial,
Fearing that one day you may surpass him,
He was afraid of the questions one day you may ask him.
He forbade deeper ones, precious ones.
He taught you only one name of feelings or thoughts,
But various ones to myself I have taught...
So he hates and he is afraid of variety of my senses as you do
Senses in fact which are pure and contain no unforgivable fault.
To what extent even my senses excel,
I trust myself and I will always tell!
So happy I would be if we could interact,
So sorry, you did not trust and were afraid in fact...
Though, I had told you - trust me till the end!
So sorry, I made you hurt sometimes,
Forgive me, please, forgive me,
Now I know that I had no chance,
Now I know that I have no chance
Because the path on which once I felt grace
Now is full of mistrust and suffers.
The life I have just existed for years
In a while became a place livable and meaningful
It lost all miseries, pains and tears.
In my world, my every piece greeted it like royal,
However, it was rashly considered betrayal...

In different shades of blood, we came to recognize ourselves,
The last on the complexion scale, never comes first,
We're nonbelievers in racism, we play mildly with the concept,
And what we see today is only tomorrow's excerpt.

Crowns of hypocrisy adorn the royal heads,
A compass of instinct directs the essential regret,
Rivers shall pour, flags raised like swords,
But only if the water is close enough to destroy the fort.

And I've come to learn that hearts beat in different melodies,
To affect the layers of ignorance you'll have to rhyme the tragedies,
Equality is only present in mathematical calculations,
In this world it's an illusion to our shattered nations.

We draw lines in the sand, and firmly stand behind them,
Weary of what to say with our quivering pens,
And finally we eloped into different species of humans,
The elements that used to bind us degraded to ruins.

We are only names and lands, north and south, black and white,
Labels are what make us, and the anthems we recite,
The more we breathe in the soot of what we've become,
The more the deers cower and the more the lions run.

•●•

Slowly knocking on Satan's door, she's begging someone to let her in.
For, if only she knew of the light shining from her right now, maybe she wouldn't even have contemplated it.
Self destruction has taken on a new level for her and tonight will be her last night of suffering.
I want to believe that this life will someday change for the better.
I want to believe that one day, life won't push people to the destruction of their own life.
But, that just isn't how the dice roll.
If we could somehow find a way to explain to the nonbelievers that there exists a place where we could still be in love.
We too often push love to the side because of the feelings it causes.
Love is so powerful that it may bring you to do things you wouldn't normally do.
The love can be so blinding that you can often fall into a whirlwind of hurt.
The scariest thing of all is the love can be addicting.
When you love someone, it is a drug.
Everything they do, you want more of it.
It becomes your nicotine.
The love is when you hear their voice when they aren't around..
when you have their scent memorized..
when you start to talk like them..
when you are in a crowd of people and you can only see them.
That's when you know you are in love.
I found my first true love about four years ago...
I did not know until now the impact he had over my life.
I had never felt myself so happy, so peaceful until the love with him was reciprocated.
And if you asked me today,
I would still tell you I loved him.
I love him enough to give him his space.
I love him enough to let him figure some things out.
I love him enough to let him grow.
I know deep in my heart that he will come back to me because I now know what it is like to sacrifice so much of myself for love.
It hurts.
It can physically hurt.
The breathless pain you feel when you can barely drag yourself out of bed.
When you reach over and he's not in his spot.
When you can't even look him in eyes because it hurts too bad.
I coud easily give up on love, but I won't allow myself to, because all of the heartache, pain and tears are worth it.
Because one day, I will look into his eyes and know I have found the one.