I let my eyes blur when I think of her
Or that time my mom killed me with just her words
I stare into the abyss like I'm proud of it
Like I don't care that I feel this way
Like I can only breathe inside this pain
I disassociate
Like that time the love of my life killed herself
And I never asked for help
I just sat inside myself
Or that time I almost died in Massachusetts
And I use to wish it happened and I live with that
I think about that time in Colorado 2a.m when I almost didn't come back
These are the times I hate
I disassociate

I've been losing sleep
I think I'm in way too deep
Pull me out
And when I scream it doesn't make a sound
Dear anyone
How can I love you and not love myself?
The fire burns but I still love the smell
Would you hate me if I went to hell?
Dear anyone

I take you in like my last J
Come fill me up
Overfill my cup
I give too much but that's okay
At the end I'm me
Tell me it's enough
Oh darling do you see right through me?
I know I've chipped away
Apparently you never knew me
Or you would have stayed
I'm just a lost girl
Living in a lost world
Til I found you
Only you were lost too

I am my own worst enemy
At times I only see what my demons see
And when it gets hard to breathe
I think about my body six feet deep
And I'm just being honest
Half my life I sliced my skin just so I could feel inside myself
Now you know I needed help
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Remember when I lost that weight?
You all thought I looked so great...
I think my mom only loved the space I filled
Now she doesn't even love that
Sometimes I just can't connect
Why are these feelings harder to express?
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings

I let the smoke fill my dim lit room
Too afraid to address how I feel
Too afraid to be used
Out of body
Sometimes it's like I don't have anybody
Why do I need the smoke when I start to feel kind of funny?
And why do you love me?
I'm losing sight of what I'm writing
Why do I bite my tongue?
Why do I choose to go silent?
Here comes the silence
My mind feels altered
Sometimes it feels so good when I start to go under
I miss my colors
Wish I was brighter
Probably should have been loved more as a child
Here comes the silence

Remember when I was seeking God but not myself?
I'm not sure what made me stop
The soreness in my knees?
My fascination with trees?
My fear of not being free?
Cobble stone paths laid out by Father's leading the mass
Only the holiest of wines
I search for many things but only what takes me high
Oh Sister's, why do you sacrifice?
My hands stretched out hoping to reach something bigger than the atoms that create us all
All of us looking before we fall
I take trips because they allow me to see more
And if You are out there way past the fake and adoring
You know where I'll be
Climbing the Tree that sets us all free

Oh mother
How do you define love?
I'll never see
Oh brother
How do you define your soul?
Does father know?
Oh sister
How does it feel to be the first alone?