"confusingly" poems
the bass hits, the drum rolls
Being a victim of a spilt decision of a racial war at 10 years old
Was never told, a way to be, but my fathers legacy, made me look at one side painfully cold
Wide awake, as I lay my head
On the belief my kind is dead
The proper stereotype of a white kid
But the preference to black kids outfit
Putin on a show, to simply fit in
Not knowin were the **** I should of truly been
The constant pain of feelin like ****
A young man who is confusingly mixed...
...
I see a star who shines bright, in a darken night,
Did you know, not all stars shine white?
They're shades of black, just remember that...why couldn't I see this logic way back?
Another poser, who's addicted to rap..
"Ya not black" like what kind of stupid **** is that?
You speak a way, but was always consider white
Do you see the mixed feeling? ******* mixed signs!?
Why can't ya accept me for just me?
Why can't ya just learn to love me?
Why who I am means I have act a certain way!?
that kinda **** makes me doubt people everyday!
My verses struggle with a troubled hook!
Can you see me now? Have you even looked?
A black father, who showed me fear
A white mother, who's voice I hear!
Another song, sharing my lies!
Another fight, with my dark side!
When will ya get it and just put this **** to rest? You judge so much, make it hard to be my best
Your words are a bullet! Penetratin my chest, I done clean up my act but you keep making another mess
I'm tired of trying to please you, tired of trying to defeat you
Ya minds are so glassy, it obvious to see through. **** you, be gone! Stop and please carry on! Fly away! Take a trip don't tell me when ya landin
You all pushed me so much...........yet I'm still standin...standin...standin....but I will be gone, soon.
Jun 29, 2013
Jun 29, 2013 at 2:32 PM UTC
I saw pig wearing white fronts
I looked
Perplexed,
Confused,
Laughter,
Then came out,
*"Never wear white, with an **** like that"*
Trotters to small to wipe,
"Skids bigger than the grand canyon"
Brown with white, I
Gagged,
Heaved,
Smelling,
Like crap, I just looked as it went
Past, I started to follow as it
Trotted along, It stopped turned
"Growling at me"
Woof Woof GGrrrrr...
"Ok its not just me? don't pigs OINK"
I stared open mouthed, fingers in ears
Making sure no wax had altered the sound,
"Did you just bark and growl at me"
"Ok I'm now talking to a barking pig"
It stared for a moment
Me at it , it at me
Then it clucked
Cluck,
Cluck,
Cluck,
Front trotters flapping wildly in the air,
And then quiet
From the white which turned more brown
Now fell an egg not white
You can guess what dropped upon the floor,
Shaped like an egg, but smelt rotten to the core,
Then it walked off on all fours,
"I was puzzled"
"A dog"
"A chicken"
"What more"
"I am forever off eggs"
Never seeing them the way I saw before,
It trotted to a farm,
A farmer I saw before my eyes
Opened mouthed, hands jested towards
The pig, dog, chicken thing,
O you meet harry, he's special you've seen
That's nothing wait and see,
"Harry what do you wish to tell the gentlemen"
"Dear sir"
"Would you mind paying up"
For what I confusingly said??
*"I'm the worlds only ventriloquist"
"Porker"
"Now you have experienced the show"
"Now pay up"
"I may be a porker, but I not stupid"
"The talking is extra"
What,
Why,
What,
Is all that spilled from my mouth
I handed over notes,
£10
£20
£30
Mouth still open, as I walked
Before I knew it at the hotel I strolled
In to my room, friends standing around
"What you get up too"
"You'd think I was telling porkers"
"Want a bacon sandwich"
I look at them opened mouthed
"Really"
They say I was as white as a ghost
"No"
I replied,
"I'm a vegan"
Since when they asked??
"Since about thirty six minutes ago"
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 8:55 AM UTC
She was the home-cooked apple pie I never grew up eating
The drug I never got to favorite
She was the tears I cried confusingly
The oxygen I felt I lacked
She was the poltergeist I saw down my hallway
The illness that manifested into my mental state
She was someone I haven't met but loved, like my father
The magnetic pull I could never reach
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:36 AM UTC
I dreamt that you came back, looking as gorgeous as ever, asking for my forgiveness.
I dreamt you followed me around, as I confusingly convinced myself I hated you.
I dreamt that you came back, hunting my weakened, fragile heart into falling for you again.
I dreamt that you caught me with your charm, and little by little I was your fool.
I dreamt I was trapped in your big blue eyes, your long blonde hair, your blood red lips.
I dreamt I traded my soul for a night of so called love and a morning of regret and self loathing.
I dreamt I ran away in circles, always coming back to the same spider web with the same black widow.
I dreamt I was awake, when in reality I had never even fallen asleep.
Dec 30, 2013
Dec 30, 2013 at 1:09 PM UTC
I wrote you a letter that you will never see
I wrote how I feel about you and how you treat me
I talked about my love for you and all the wonderful things you do
I said how I feel apologized and told you I would deal
I talked about your smell, your voice and your face
I talked about how special it is you invited me to this place
I mentioned how you can be kind and warm.....eventually gettin' around to the part where I'm torn
I wrote about how you are blind and don't allow your heart to see
I put emphasis on how you confusingly treat me
Your silly *** likes them short, blonde and dumb so you and I are seen as chums
I'm the best thing you'll never want and the treasure you'll always ignore
I'm destined to watch you choose wrong and bed ***** after *****
It was the most truth I've ever written telling you how I'm in love and smitten
I'll never let you see it because its already torn up and destroyed
Soon I will be gone taking my feelings and burrying them in the void
I'd rather have you this way than no way at all
Thats why I have to leave this place so I won't continue to fall and fall
You certainly don't deserve me if you can't see me for who I am
God didn't make me to be a stupid girl who is rail thin
We could have it all but you don't like a girl with curves and bends
Even though you treat me like a wife, a lover and gem you will never let me be more than just a friend
Sep 13, 2012
Sep 13, 2012 at 2:53 PM UTC
1431
poems in ye old inbox,
genteel knocking,
whispering thru stolid front door
love me a little lot,
little lot, love me?
this is not mere work product,
collegial-laid upon me for gentle shared, for pre-review,
Nottingham Forest arrowed, bow shaped
pithy comments,
these are the holy-of-the-holies
attention-me-crystal-cries,
prayers, wry observations, nature collations,
me and thee adorations, heart rendering
screams of need,
these are the moments in your life
raw-roughened gifted or threaded smooth cursed,
but tendered unto my caring.
(an aside:
perhaps you understand better now
why woman-in-the-moon imagery,
red bowed, grapefruit tasting hearts,
all the lovelies, word shape shifts a/k/a
Imagery
language delights!
but time-using, confusingly confuses,
and has been erased from my own poetry frame)
gnawing doubt me routs,
god gave me humans,
and gave them speech,
to bring me
closer to him
thru them.
somewhere in those 1431 essays of labor,
dashed off, handcrafted, pithy or poor,
just might be the one
justification for my opening my eyes
this poetry someday Sunday sun-day.
put the cofe on
(saving letters, saving time,
deleting unnecessary e's
from my life till when I am dying on
all-on-that desperate
e-n-ee-dy day).
loaded my shotgun heart with
loves and likes,
yellow thunderbolt bullets firing,
and considered yourself
notified
I'm a-coming over,
shoes on the cofe table,
breaking taboo's
gonna read 1431
and when dining done,
gonna pay attention to my muse,
my woman, cause she is the
original e,
that provides the raw materials,
in ye old nat-box,
that lets me love ever one of them,
she is the e
in me
and me will be in you,
starting now.
Mar 30, 2014
Mar 30, 2014 at 6:57 AM UTC
The true virtue's chaos.
Chaos is a fascinating state,
Even better, as a state, chaos is everything.
A glimpse of hope that human solves the chaos,
but then it's gone...
You can't control and it feels exhausting.
Feeling of losing control, humanity tries to solve chaos,
Create an order.
Obviously not possible, it leaves a negative feeling.
Inner squeezing as if you got pulled by a strange hand into a
dark abyss.
It shackles ,your spirit, squashes everything out of your
pinches your bones till you hate it but then.
The only notion, admit. The only alternative, love the chaos.
Humanity tries to make and keep everything in boundaries.
These are fruits. These are vegetables.
Gas ***** up in the sky are stars.
They are students and the audult people
on the right side are teacher.
In the the end they are citizen,
human, animal, creature,
energy maybe an assemblage of molecules, atoms.
But when a new thing comes that does not fit in,
A new boundary will be created and more and more...
Humanity can't control that anymore, too many.
An apple is a fruit, honey is an artisan good, not for me...
The counteracts against chaos creates even greater chaos!
I love, but sometimes my darling makes people drive made,
Humanity is not ready to face the chaos in another way.
Chaos creates disorientation and orientation.
My inner me donned to a shackle, slowly squeezed, and
sag confusingly in nothing but everything.
A vessel made out of clay with a rough surface and a crumbling facade.
A powerful stream of happiness embraces every servant of chaos.
Jan 5, 2018
Jan 5, 2018 at 10:05 AM UTC
You are you.
You care about the little things;
About money and status,
About love and power.
You care about right now.
And about nothing more
But there is so much more to see.
Take a step back
Now you are human.
Your place in society is precious.
You, just as everyone else, are worth something .
You care about justice,
About the state of your world
And it hurts you
But you know you suffer less than others.
Take another step back
You are a body.
Your presence is replaceable and unfelt.
Your days are spent seeking pleasure and pain.
You live only to feel alive
Knowing that you’ll soon be dust blowing in the wind
And it makes you feel temporary
But you last longer than you know.
On your last step back
You are a soul.
You feel no pain nor pity- nothing at all
You live in sickly silent peace
As you float aimlessly through time.
You are a piece of the universe
Hoping that the clocks will stop some day
And you will be called to rest
But your piece in this universe will never die.
You are so much more than your shell.
You are the past, the present and the future
Embodied in a distracted human being.
You are every fibre of the universe that has created you.
You are eternal yet temporary
And it’s confusingly simple
But you won’t realize your worth unless you step back.
Jan 2, 2017
Jan 2, 2017 at 12:32 AM UTC
I'm scared to death of being abandoned,
but you did abandon me;
knowing it's my darkest nightmare,
a dreadful reality.
Confusingly, you gave me the key
- how to feel alive again -
when you pulled me under water.
Drowning in time, in memories, in pain
were never death stamping;
this is only the beginning of a new life, a fresh start.
*#Nameless
#For"You"
In memory of the magical, painful times
we spent at the bluish sea,
my safe haven.♡*
Oct 7, 2016
Oct 7, 2016 at 3:12 PM UTC
Surprised that I distrust myself,
You don't even trust me!
Just living the way I'm raised,
But is that the way to be?
Do not like my different ways,
Say it's okay to be unique!
Your sayings alarm me
Your paradox knocks me,
Your words confuse me,
Your words are, you act so
Confusingly contradictory.
Jan 15, 2018
Jan 15, 2018 at 7:30 PM UTC
It isnt fair
that you should end up sleeping with the boy who boldly but secretly, confusingly just needed access to your bed
that the vague notion of your missing friends is actually a blatant chastisement about your social misdemeanor
That you should feel the urge to withdraw from any and all recreational opportunities because you can already tangibly feel the distressing friction between every differing fiber between both your brain and theirs
It isnt fair that you should be so clever, and resourceful but exposure of such elaborate operations will only occur outside all traditional institutions in the privacy of an empty audience
It isnt fair that you have unknowingly began a retreat from life and dinner with your family to find some solstice from a muddling indigent existence that requires you to obsess over trivial details just so you dont miss the rare gratifying hints of a walking compliment
It isnt fair that you'll say yes to anything you haven't learned from life experience to not want
and it isnt fair that one disadvantage should create others by consequence and default
It isnt fair that my adult facade should restrict my child appropriate responses and its public unrest
or for my simple unique characteristics to ooze the paint for which they'll use to commit my image to memory for the entire school.
I'll have to learn to put up with the eggshells that grind into the soft ***** of my feet when I blindly interact with other expressionless but feeling, thoughtless but intellectualizing people
and it isnt fair for my mortified laugh to be chastised
Mar 3, 2014
Mar 3, 2014 at 2:03 AM UTC
Today I've learned why
some stories have open endings
and how grotesque paintings
cost millions.
Like when I secretly
peeped through the glass
portion of the door
when she was nearing
the end of her routine.
She spun perfectly balanced
with the tip of her toe, eventually
settling in a form
of a bow rose hunter.
It was confusingly stunning.
I couldn't understand
half of what transpired but
I guess that's the whole point.
I get to dream
while she keeps her privacy.
Jan 14, 2018
Jan 14, 2018 at 3:49 PM UTC
Dearest,
You wrote me a letter once and the last line said
"I choose you."
The words were musical to me, but they felt more like they were
meant for you. I think that is what made them special, that they
were the words you needed to hear whispered in your ear and so
your heart opened and whispered them into mine, because just
maybe I needed them too.
Well I've written some poems for other people before in days
gone by and I've poured words meant for me into the open hearts
of other people just to find that their jar was already full, or
perhaps it wasn't opened in the first place.
And now I know you're scared because what if their veins hadn't
been full of predetermined sweet nothings given to them
unnecessarily by others in this confusingly backwards way? What
if their jars had been open and accepted my insecurities just to
sing reassurances into my ear?
I'll entertain Fate on my doorstep for long enough to tell her
that I am glad, for if she had allowed this to happen I would
have been unhappy. Fate crafted the individuals before you
with a fatal flaw because she knew that I would have
ultimately been disenchanted, downtrodden, disturbed. And so
with a gleam in her eye she led me to you.
And perhaps you'll theorize that this, then, was no choice. Fate
did it for me, yes? My response is as follows:
I chose you long before Fate threw her hat into the ring. Or
perhaps she had thrown it into the ring and blew the wind just
so on that first summer day when I saw your face, red-cheeked
and blue eyed, brown-haired and loud-laughing. Even if she
had, she still let me choose. For Fate only modifies the
environment, but the heart is a complex, wild thing that is not
to be tampered with. So when a million fireworks rattled my
ribcage the second I saw you, Fate smiled. Her plan had
worked. I did not decide that I would feel a small earthquake
inside of my body every time I laid eyes on you. But my heart
chose you. Unashamedly. Instantly.
Perhaps it once chose the others, too. But upon seeing that they
were not for me, it paused. It took a while, but it moved on.
Then there was you. It was afraid at first, but Fate took it by the
hand and showed me that your jar was not empty. And then
you showed me that it contained everything I needed to hear
within it. So I did not move on. I chose you. I choose you, still.
Forever. Until your jar is full and Fate tells me that it is time to
close the curtains, draw the shutters, lock the front doors and,
someday, leave the house.
But something tells me that I will begin to send postcards to my
former address. And perhaps I'll stumble upon the threshold,
years later, and find a jar.
And I'll choose you.
Oct 23, 2018
Oct 23, 2018 at 11:58 PM UTC
I’ve found that my indefinable truths are hard to hide.
I can’t hold on to what I don’t fully understand,
it escapes from me unhindered by the label I've yet to stick on it.
Then how easily the world captures what I can’t even find words for,
how quickly it encircles what I perceive boundless,
for my truth must belong in this box or that box and
when it’s all wrapped up and labeled accordingly,
the world delivers my truth back to me, and tells me
I can accept and acknowledge or reject and deny this gift of a definition.
So generous, to give me options, yet
somehow I suspect that I have no choice, for
because I cannot define what I hold unswervingly and confusingly true,
the world and its definition will always appear more credible than me.
May 24, 2012
May 24, 2012 at 12:40 PM UTC
Who am I if I'm not alive enough to see?
Who can I become with so much internal deceit?
Who and what is a soul when it's become lost?
Who and what is remembered when I'm forgot?
We all traverse pain, we all know it's true name.
The cold eternal flame that is universally the same, the fuel to this almighty game of life we confusingly play.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 10:05 AM UTC
There's a gap in my brain
and it's terminal
even though i'm going to live till i'm ninety nine
this hole in my thinking
will bring me only the chronic whistling
of life billowing through it
at alarming speeds that i can neither perceive
or keep up with
just this whistling
through the gap in my brain
paining my waking thoughts
by always having a hole in my thinking
sinking in my own sand
before i realize what has happened.
if you've ever gazed into a black hole
you would know everything is both faster and slower
in all the most inconvenient ways
and it only grows!
till you're enveloped
and then life is over
and you have nothing to say for it
voila!
my persistent plague
my black hole
sapping the luster out of my words
and letting the thoughts spiral
confusingly
into dark oblivion
sigh
i dislike chasing my thoughts into the abyss
when you find them
you really can't remove them
or understand them
you just receive the perpetual annoyance of knowing something once occupied a space
and it repeats:
Apr 15, 2013
Apr 15, 2013 at 12:58 PM UTC
The love songs playing on the radio, and
the poems from one sweetheart to another
Make me increasingly aware that I am alone.
It's not all bad.
I'm just more aware.
Aware of my singularity.
Emily and Lover
Is now just
Emily-
"Take this time to work on you," my well-meaning friends order.
But what does that mean?
I'm a person, not a machine.
I can't install a new heart because the one I have now is faulty.
I can't make my brain
Stop-
Thinking thoughts of him.
I don't get to turn myself off for awhile
Or press the reset button.
So I immerse myself in new things,
Things he knows nothing of
So he has less of a chance of creeping into my fragile mind.
I refer to him as "he"
Instead of "you"
Because this poem can't be for him.
I look for ways to distance myself from situations where I'm
vulnerable
Because I'm still reeling at the fact that I can feel this much pain.
Even though it hits me less often,
Those fleeting intervals leave me gasping for air.
Just like he left me on that doorstep those many months ago.
I still cry sometimes.
Though I tell everyone I'm fine
Because although they don't admit it, they are as tired of hearing about him
As I am of crying over him.
Nobody should make me feel this way.
I am a strong person
Made confusingly weak by this boy who doesn't even understand what love is.
While I loved,
He said words he thought I wanted to hear.
He lusted and mistook it for romance.
The sweet, caring gestures missing from the relationship I romanticized
Because I didn't want to argue
I made excuses over and over
For this kid who just didn't get it.
I'm feeling so much pain.
Not because he hurt me, but because I put him on a
pedestal.
In my mind I erased his flaws.
I pretended his words didn't hurt
And that his keeping me hidden didn't matter.
So now that he's gone it's like I'm living all that pain
For the first time.
I'm only now letting myself admit that I wasn't the only
flawed one in the relationship.
And it's okay that I'm not over him,
Those things take time.
As long as I realize that I wasn't the only one in the wrong,
That's progress.
Nov 5, 2013
Nov 5, 2013 at 12:17 AM UTC
She's just a reflection of pain.
Shattered images cast illusions of a broken woman.
Riddled clues screens those who are genuinely intrigue.
The grand inquisitor acts as a gardener
Sorting out the weeds.
It's so confusingly puzzling to me.
I can't put together how I could expected loyalty, from someone who lies to them self. Unfortunately it's just reality.
Jun 25, 2016
Jun 25, 2016 at 5:33 AM UTC
i've always been told to love;
and that if i do,
i do it raw and passionately
but now as i sit here with
the girl i may love,
i am told i cannot
for her body looks too much
like my own, so i am to
love the body of a man
whose soul does not
match mine like hers does
i wish you knew how
confusingly destructive
that sounds-- i am to love
the body of a man over the
soul of a woman
Feb 3, 2019
Feb 3, 2019 at 9:31 PM UTC
Under the lustre Moon
gazes are barbed,
do I really know you now?
At times your trumpet
plays for the days forlorn.
Yet your ruinous music
is confusingly staccato,
others piodiums always knew more,
my confession nonetheless
the adverbial cow will land
somewhere close I hope
to feel your clasp chancre
Feb 9, 2015
Feb 9, 2015 at 4:59 PM UTC
Thinking. Searching, asking for more.
But what, in my mind do I want to explore?
Define, dissolve, I don’t have a clue.
Not really knowing, what’s it I wanna do.
Looking, delving, confusingly so,
I stare into empty space, knowing not where to go.
What is it? I ask? What is it that I must?
A crossroad, a journey, or something from the past?
The answer I guess, is out there somehow,
I clasp my hands together, my head in a bow.
Hoping, believing, go on, and dig deeper,
Stay still, look out, be content and feel better;
All the answers will, in its time get their cue,
But now learn to wait and you’ll get them when they’re due.
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 7:33 PM UTC
Anyone z replaceable...
But not every one can be replaced.
Anyone z replaceable,
But no one can take anyone's place.
Life z really confusingly understandable.
Sep 22, 2019
Sep 22, 2019 at 4:33 PM UTC
in this busy concrete jungle
that i hunt and gather in
all the gray that's on display
bores deep into the skin
changing the pigmentation
from tones of flesh to pasty white
with the only light source being
that of florescent stars at night
as reflections in the windows
stare blankly into space
somehow have lost their purpose
in the running of the race
i look confusingly around me
at the rush just to fit in
thinking i need a different jungle
to hunt and gather in
Mar 10, 2017
Mar 10, 2017 at 4:44 PM UTC