She hasn’t left her room for three days. She hasn’t left her house in two weeks. She hasn’t gone into town in a month before that. She hadn’t been rationing her food supply on purpose but it’s what ended up happening anyway.

She’s laying on the floor, now. She’s been laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for hours. She knows that the ceiling is a muted, toneless, comforting beige but all she can focus on is the creeping gray shadows that feel like a physical barrier between herself and the rest of the world. She knows that these shadows are only really in her head, but four nights ago the angle of the sun coming through her curtains had been just right and all she could focus on was an oppressive mass of shadow that froze her in her tracks and locked her inside her own mind as it crawled nearer and nearer.

That horrifying moment had only been that, a moment, but now that she’s locked away she doesn’t even have the energy to start looking for the key.

She’s been lying on the floor staring at her not-gray ceiling for hours. She has no idea what day it is because every time her mind starts to right itself into something resembling coherency there is another shudder of uncertainty and the physical shadows in her mind slither over her more tightly and she is left again a shell of herself, dead, glassy eyes staring, seeing nothing and the ceiling, both at once.

However, if there is one thing she can focus on longer than anything else, it is the shadows. The ones that wriggle in the corners of her periphery and make up her cage. Even if her mind can’t pull itself together enough to name the days, she can at least count how many times the shadows were at their weakest and instead of reaching towards the silhouette of her body, she can at least count the three times where she felt the light pressure of warmth on her skin. It lasted a little while, she remembers, vaguely, but it was never long before the briefest change in the shadows illuminated their own movement again. Again, if coherency was anywhere near possible she might question how her strict one-way mind can connect that this means that days have passed, but for now she just waits in numb agony for nothing and everything in her mind to make sense.

She has no idea if she is awake or asleep and really, doesn’t care.

I find validation in soulful eyes.

I'd love to be able to lay my heart out
I want to open my chest and flay all my doubt
Ill reach into myself and hope to see reality
But how am I supposed to help if I blind myself?
what if I go searching and only find trouble?
What if my eloquence it reduced to babble?
Reason takes effort and I'm exhausted

i wish i could be art

The words have been getting stuck in my throat.
Maybe its the timing as I keep myself afloat
or I’m losing my taste for the sugarcoat.
I haven’t seen myself around
As I keep my face toward the ground
But surely not all of my emotions have drowned.
You see, the bags under my eyes
Have been a perfect disguise
Because I'm not working myself to my demise,
No, I’ve been withering away
Curled up to do nothing but decay
As I pretend there is nothing beyond my doorway.
For some reason, my mind is denying
That my responsibilities have any bearing
on my overall wellbeing
When, really, I know better but
It like my mind decided my kismet
And any real rationale went into the toilet.
My actions have only been half finished.
I move towards something but then it has vanished.
And I can't even remember what I hoped to accomplish.
I know I had hopes and dreams
But now it really just seems
Like I can only see daydreams
The words aren’t just stuck in my throat
They just don't exist.
There are no words to describe this
Emptiness.

Dear friends its been a while!
I can't believe
It took so long to reconcile.
So often it feels like
I'm only giving off a profile.
so I must say
I’ve missed your smile.

I've been thinking lately
(And you know how
My thoughts can be deadly)
That maybe I
Am lost again already.
I’ll swallow my pride this time
And ask for help before I go crazy.

I can't feel my emotions.
Every other obstacle feels like
a toss into the deepest of oceans.
And no matter what I do
Its like I’m only going through the motions.
It's so hard to be around people
Without feeling like my mind and body are prisons

Help me, please
I don't want to be alone anymore but
this is the only place I feel at ease.
I feel sicker than before now,
How can I cure my self of this disease?
All my efforts drain me.
Why would my heart have a lock without keys?

I am so sorry
I'm working through some
of this explosive self-fury.
I hope you can forgive me
and save yourself some worry
because I know to ask now and besides:
it's not as bad as it could be.

i have spent every moment
of my life dedicated to
collecting the art of my experiences
they live under my skin
and crawl towards the loving light
that the sun promises
but i cannot give up my sight
for them to fly and be lost
no one loves them like i do
no will see them as i do
i know because no one
sees them when they sink
longing claws into my flesh
they cant see the shades
as the colors bleed out of my tears
so i keep them safe behind my ribs
right next my expanding heart
and i let part of them pour out
as words on my fingertips
some are shy
and some seek the sight of others
just like my feelings
i love so much
so i am so greatful that they
do not resent me
for not looking into the sun

‘Why do you long to see me?’
She asks like
she isn’t the most beautiful thing in the universe
‘You don’t mourn the day passing’
She tells me like
Thats the only reason I would come to see her
‘You dread the morning’
She states with pity like
She knows that I am missing my own life

I tell her,
‘I see your gentle light
And it helps to set my soul right.’
I tell her,
‘You look beyond what you see,
And try to help those who don’t think they deserve to be happy.’
I tell her,
‘There’s a softness I see here,
that no one else can see unless their heart is clear.’
I tell her,
‘I prefer your peace that cannot hide,
To all of those in the day that push forward their pride.’
I tell her,
‘The day does nothing but weather my body
And blinds me with everything so gaudy.’
I tell her,
‘Of course I dread the morning, because the sunlight brings shadow,
And you go to where I cannot follow.’

I see sadness in her whole being,
With a ‘why?’ She seems to be pleading
I give her a smile and tell her:
‘You’ve never left me,
Even as the shadows of my misgivings surround me,
You always stay soft and strong
Even as the universe’s cycle strings you along.
I have never seen anything more beautiful;
So I am proud to stay with you, always dutiful.

You paint flowering tattoos
over your regretted scars
As you appeal to repent
And you reject your last muse

I know you can hear it
Screaming not to go away
But there is another pull
That makes you a hypocrite

You drag your useless body
Toward a faux sun that doesn’t burn
Leading you into a trap
That no one would see clearly

Perhaps your blood won’t flow
But there is a brokenness there
Which acts as a barrier
To seal your soul far below

The marks on your body flare
Into a focused beacon
Drawing the wrong attention
And show your lively despair

Delicacies on your skin
Brought to you by the unknown
When you thought your strength was lost
so; take hold of power within

Yet still you cast them away
the safety of the shadows
Can’t begin to help you now
The muse is not bound to obey

So lift yourself together
As one can’t hope to exist
Separate from mind or body
And use your scars as your tether

Under a genuine star
You will find solace within
As your soul begins to blend
you will find out who you are

the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.

it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore

there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness

the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure

i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me

all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner

i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop

i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too

my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see

but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me

migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown

it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical

there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come

my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.

hello, all
I'd like to make a call
to action.

some things have gone wrong
as I've drifted along
to here

and now I'm more alone
and my mine is trying to atone
for my father's sins.

I am beyond frustrated
even more cheated
on my mother's behalf.

she said to me
"more than one disappointment and promise me,
you will flee"

theres no other ploy
that will better destroy
your life."

I know this is the truth
even as I grasp the last of my youth
I've seen it.

I wish I could do more
but my mother has her own armor.
she will be okay.

so, always put yourself first
and don't be cursed
to just survive.

live.

I wish there was more to me
Than my body
Which does nothing more
Than consume the values
all physical, emotional, and soulful alike
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my failures
That are so overly abundant
Than my virtues
which have been swept under the rug by only myself
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my childish ambition
That have overwhelmed me more
Than I could ever foresee
So that I will never see clearly again
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my nonexistent future
That my mind keeps insisting I daydream about
Even more than the comfort of fiction
Which has given me asylum for so long
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than claims of intent
which manifest in the forms of wishes and changes
Even though I spend my time with unhealthy coping
I still think about the desirable change
I still need to make

its starting to really hurt this time
its not as cloudy as last time
but im not sure what to do
to stop myself
or if i even really want to

im in a cage of guilt and bones
and i really dont want anyone
to see past my pale pink illusion

ive not felt like a real person in such a long time
and i have already convinced myself
that it would come back
but the bones of the cage rattles
and dig into my skin

the tendrals of guilt and shame and lonliness
wont release my neck
but its not like i would be able to breath anyway

my soulless self will be gone soon
i hope to be released
from the hurt and the cage

i wish i didnt have feelings

my words have been sought after
in long lost rituals
of tears tracking down a face
that none have ever seen before.

a stranger sits across from me
with an easy smile
and the struggles are equivalent
to eye contact

such bodies may be seen
as nothing more than an image
the riches look through
the work of the poor

my eyes search for the phantom
they cannot reach
of the equals eyes
that can and will give me needed help

i could tell you what you want to hear
but instead i want to lie
i haven’t had a spine for a very long time
but no nerves have been severed at the base of my skull
i should think just about now
but the creaking of locked doors are all that will sound

i could lie to you now
i could stand up to you now
i could have a will against you
except i am no longer sure of my capabilities
except i am so far away from consistency
except i my life is no longer available to me

when have such tendrils of terrors
had such a strong and everlasting grip?
for as i stretch there is not strain but
i feel the bruises of the past days
as they only remind me of
the places I can no longer go

the reach of the mares
horrify the ones that have no experience
no matter their years
will feel the way some fingers crunch
delicate bones may bleed strength
into those who run into the grasp of the lost

i have not thought in such a long time.
the arms of my mind have not since been feeling
such as the numbness that takes over my mind
only allowing for a lose for any of these around me
i don’t think i want to be such a black hole
hiding my misery only makes the depths
all that more eminent

i was not that sure what all the others see
but i know in my wholeness that i can only
use my own eyes for such a burdening task
they may not see my sadness,
but any and all calls for help will be veiled
sometimes thinly and sometimes
under such a thick swimming smile

the branches of hope at the back of many minds
may have been living for such a long time
that i no longer see them reaching for me
but reaching for others as i lose my will
to be able to notice their bodies
and their angles within such an effortless and unforgiving planet
their grasp will not be lost to them no matter the meaning to me

there are dead days
that seem to have lost their meaning
while forcing the world
to work around them.

there are dead days
no one seems to notice
but are always begging for attention
and everyone pretend to ignore.

there are dead days
that soak up the sun
so that the only things still living
seem to be the shadows.

there are dead days
that everyone can see
and can only decide to take pity
when they lose their life.

there are dead days
that take the whole universe with them
so that nothing can see
and everything goes deaf.

there are dead days
that wish so much to just be alive
that they take everything for themselves
just to feel less empty

but the days that are alive

they sing with the voices of angels
they burn bright with laughter of all
they carry weights to unimaginable heights
they stay among the clouds for as long as they can
they shine with love of the world
they work with ambitious vigor
they never give in to the hardships

the days that are alive
may never appreciate what they  are
but give solace to the hearts
that need them the most.

the world is covered in grey.
i don’t know what has changed.
there must have been a shift;
I’ve started to notice a rift
between what i think
and what the reality is.
thats it, I’ve lost touch
because I’ve been thinking too much.
i wish there was something to do
to infuse the sky with blue
but I’ve lost my touch.

White powder pills,
one lone light atop the hill.
i want to stop breathing.
i can’t stop feeling.
i try to convince myself
my shivers are just chills.

i surround myself with thrills
just so my mind will still
i want to stop dreaming
my mind can’t stop screaming.
i tell myself i can sleep
if i force my will.

imagine an empty room
without any gloom
ready to bloom;
there something there that draws you
maybe a feeling of rescue
you never know what you want
until its right there in front of you

imagine a clear blue sky
when the sun is already high
you look over and can always expect reply
you don’t know why
but you always know when they’re close by
you know when it sets you’ll both be wishing on fireflies
you never know what you need
until its right there in front of you

imagine that perfect person
that one in a billion
that will always lessen the burden
the one that makes you lose all reason
this one that shines like the sun
and even then you may never notice them
until they’re right there in front of you

my mind spatters on canvas
another piece of evidence to my madness

i spill my speculation
and wallow in my damnation

the wind whirls with thought
just another useless idea caught

life has no exact description
dictionaries are just fiction

language has evolved
yet no new problems have been solved

more wasted acrylic
on something i wish was idyllic

my artistry has withered
and fantasies have been embittered

but i will live with the vacant
as i am just now nasent

so much time is spent
and so much less is meant
within hollowed walls
and endless mirrored halls.
none can articulate
what they feel to be their fate
seeing as their time
will be cut before they can find the right rhyme.

those new prestigious prodigies
will only be accepted with the right commodities.

only those with an endless present
can give the idea to reinvent
a past that cannot possibly give
a future that everyone can forgive

we may have finally left the gods behind
but left the people in the back of our collective mind.

there is not way the earth can win
when hidden by a prodigy's leering grin;
we must force a victory from the sea
before we can truly be carefree.

for now, i will place a vow
and seize the day to repay
my world with time i have taken
to help it reawaken.

there is something haunting
a greedy thing captivated
with it's taunting
of those that have been isolated

i wish i could say
i have never strayed
but my pride for honesty
has taken my modesty.

i swear to you
i have not spoken true deceit
but my panic leaks through
and my real truth becomes obsolete

i wish i could say
i can help it
but something takes over my airway
and i would like to admit:

i have so many unwilling lies in your minds
that i cant stand to look in your eyes
but i hope to release you from dishonest binds
and let me start over.

once upon a time
i believed in a paradigm
that had me condemned.

this kept me concealing
new stunning feelings,
that later would need some healing.

i cannot imagine
how i could hold passion
if i did not know this affliction.

its held above my head
and blocks my thoughts;
striving to make them rot.

beauty became lost chaos
and danger was wonderfully irrelevant
over waterfalls of suicidal insecurities.

knowledge forever forfeit
while our consciousness was dormant
in a haze of repressed youth.

i will find the means
to survive my teens
and overwhelm the fantasy
pushed upon me.

the real world
will take my mold
and accept all those lost with me.

i will become the greater creator
and produce an ideal,
made to heal

and morn for those
who gave in
and let the old ways win.

you remind me to let myself be happy.
you probably dont realize
how much you mean to me.
i wish i could repay you
for the strength i take from you.
i would tell you to take my heart
but you may be already reaching
as i stare at my ceiling.
you might be afraid of the dark
but i want to remind you
of your love of the stars
whose brightness is reaped
and piqued from the night.
you remind me of the moon
with your mystery and history,
that inspire so many.
so, i would like to tell you,
that your pain is temporary
and you are extraordinary
i am by your side.
as you have been for me.

i never imagined i would care so much.

there is no way to see the future.

i would give anything
to have become an easier creature.

there has never been such
a cloud in my vision.

i want to determine
what my past means to me.

i will look beyond
and no longer look behind.

i wish my life would look at itself
and fix all my flaws

i wait for an applause

when i am my only audience
and i am out of patience

with such a selfish creature.

soft voices and poor choices have led me here.
i want to laugh at how
my face shows its fear.
indecision and lack of vision
have left me for dead;
fed to the angry beast
left behind, in my head.
streams of consciousness
and everlasting thoughtlessness
make waves in their wake.
it all bends and breaks.
friends working to
stop the aches.
soon the lurking beast will awaken
and my world will be shaken,
but for now,
i will stay on my journey
to a jury
that will put these voices
to rest.

i have forgotten how to think
my words are spilling
along with the ink
i cant do anything
so i just blink

i may die tonight
living like this isn't in my right.
i have lost my fight
and all my might
has since taken flight

i know i don't deserve it
there is nothing i wont admit
i know i am unfit
to recieve all these benefits
but i just cant help it

my breathing will pause
and there will be a morbid cause
to the stuttering in my chest
and it will all be because
i have forgotten how to think

it was so dark down there

earth crumbles, muffled mumbles,
twisting,
resisting,
persisting
the death of coexisting.

i believe it was a time
when severe grime
was at its prime

but i remember
above
the soft comforting glow of ember

it was so lonely down there

silent shrieks, hesitant peeks,
sneaking,
seeking,
reaching
towards something that isn't there.

later, i stare
as i am gasping for air
into a beam of light
that has answered my prayer

and i remember
that once i was above
my happiness of december
is when i find love

i may not be brilliant
or particularly resilient
and entirely insignificant,

but now my words
have been taken with the songbirds
and i have no idea where towards.

i wont let their truth
take any innocent youth
when they could soothe.

i do not understand
how they were allowed to expand
past my imaginary contained land.

others have inflated such false veracity
that i didn't think there was a tendency
to believe words with such ferocity.

but none of it matters now
i must retreat and allow
the people to take their vow.

my confounded ignorance
has been a serious hinderance
in my search for a fair existence.

blackness behind my eyes,
inconsolable beneath dark skies.
stars fight to be able to rise
next to the most obvious lies,
and the sadness of loosening ties
takes hold when my voice dies.
the moon may have lower highs
but what she lacks in size
she makes up for in allies.
now everyone refuses to compromise
the clock ticks its surprise
this downhill tumble won’t beat sunrise.
all know that looking into the sun is unwise
so lets go back and revise
what would have been our demise.

you dream of wings
and cruel deposed kings.

your eyes have left
having witnessed so much theft.

you may waste away
and so i beg you to stay

but you are lost
within a castle's frost

your thoughts have turned bitter
and your dreams now flitter

the light returns
but the coldness burns

and i ask you
to live
for me.

i tell you to live
for me.

i wish you couldn't see
the hypocrite inside me.

my words may be in vain,
but your thoughts are a chain.

everything holds you down
your mind is a ghost town

i know you cant help it
and you just want to quit

but please

live

for me.

bones creaking,
thoughts creeping
from the back my mind
and take form in the shadows.
my thoughts seem to be leaking.

I have a castle
in my mind
which has turned me blind.
dark corners
occupied with foreigners.

these evil creatures walk free
torturing me;
protection is seldom,
shine is not welcome,
and there is no hope of rebellion

the music of the rain
was awfully soporific
and terribly terrific
with nothing but soft clouds to blame.

the clouds were peaceful in their own
changing in a constant temper
sighing in with a deep tremor
as was heard in the home

the home itself was so complacent
breathing in a feel of rest
letting so much bliss be possessed
all around becoming so nascent

the land rolls beneath my feet,
but i continue past defeat,
where i am so eager to complete
this one task i must repeat
to go on, and delete
the cheat that is so bittersweet.

the truth is ugly
and hides in a body of beauty.

the truth lies
and holds secrets in its eyes
pretending to be wise.

the truth may be broad
and so commonly awed,
but it is a fraud
that is not past God

the truth is unyielding
and totally unfeeling
and has given up on what it had been shielding

the truth is dead
and yet it is still spread.

the lights spin around
running right into the ground
people try to come down
all trying not to drown
stars dying in the background
none can hide their frown
heading back to the battleground
keeping an eye on the countdown
til the lights go out
and the blackout
triggers the fallout
and everyone
just
leaves

help me slow down,
i dont want drown,
not yet.

i am not ready,
i must stay steady,
let go.

life must go on,
i will see the dawn,
later.

others must know,
i wont stop the flow,
let it be.

help me stay,
for one more day,
i will live.

there is sunlight in her hair
and galaxies in her eyes

stars glide in the air
following the fireflies

i have never been so lucky
to witness this