I knew a man once.
Tall, dark and joyful, he always knew how to make me smile.
I broke his heart and realized I'd broken mine as well
But it was way to late,
Way to late.

I knew a man once.
He wasn't anything I was looking for.
He was nothing I knew, nothing I thought I'd like,
And yet here I am, writing a poem about him because my heart hurts alone.
I could spend hours alone with him, just the sound of our voices in the air,
Just the sweet sound of our heartbeats beating together in harmony.
We were oh so different, yet we got one another,
And I let him get away.
I was afraid of finding the One after eighteen years on this planet, so I pushed him away.
He kept coming back because he knew what was best for us, and I pushed him away.
One day he decided he'd had enough, of me, my attitude, my rejection.
He cut it all out. He deleted me out of his phone and out of his life,
And I got to watch each day as life passed by without the voice I craved to hear.
I missed everything about him.
I missed his voice, his warmth, the way he held me close, the way he made me laugh, the way everything about us felt right.
He made me a better person, a real one.
I got to discover who I really was thanks to him. I liked who I was with him, and yet I pushed him away, and now he's far to gone, and it's far too late,
Far too late.

I knew a man once.
He poured his heart out to me,
He told me how he felt about me,
And I couldn't get my head right,
So I pushed him away, and now it's way too late,
Way too late.

I know a man now.
He told me I taught him a lesson,
And I wish I could prove him wrong.
Not every girl runs away from happiness, not every girl will make the same mistake I did.
He won't talk to me, won't acknowledge my existence, because I let him out of my life, and no it's too late,
It's still way too late.

I used to remember when I was sad
I kept writing and writing and writing and enjoying
The flow of words
Coming out of my pen and on paper
And it looked like pain
It looked like emotions
It poured our of my hands
It poured out of my soul
It poured out of my heart
And cured the pain and sorrow
And made me as light as a balloon
And I could finally float away and move on
Moving on
Moving on
It felt great
It felt like sunshine in my veins and happiness in a glass
And I drank it all
In one go
I would drink it all
Until there was nothing left
But there is nothing left in my soul and no glass and no sorrow and no happiness
But a ball of nothingness struggling to get out
To get out of my system
Of my body
Of my heart and soul
Suffocating me
I want it out
OUT
OUT!!
But it won't
And I am so confused
And there is no glass of happiness and no flow of words and
I am sitting here
And nothing
But
Emptiness

At first I thought I had it all figured out
The future
The pressure
The expectations
I thought I knew what I was getting into
The responsibilities
The bills
The only person to turn the lock in when I go to sleep
At first I thought I knew what growing up meant
The friendship
The loss
The love
The bare soul to a friend who you thought would be the only precious person you'd ever need
And now I realize it was all just a lie
It was all just a dream
I thought I had nailed my way through teen years by being on my own and ignoring the rest of the world
The world that could hurt me
The world that made me fall in love
The world that made me fall to my knees and pray for an end to my heartbreak
I hadn't realized the nail had been ******* to my coffin instead
We all live and we all die
We all breeze through life
Without even
Understanding
Why
We're here for
I still don't know why I'm here for
What's the purpose of my life
At first I thought I knew why I was here for
The easy life
The travels
But as time goes by I start to understand
It's not what it all meant
Now I know that I know nothing
Because at first I thought I had it all figured out
And I grew up to realize I had nothing

Choking on emptiness
When you need someone so much
When you wish to hold them so much
But they're so far away
And your heart…
It constricts with longing and fear and love and you miss them so much
And you're not complete when they are
Absent.
Absent is awful
They are alive, they are somewhere but
They are not with you
They are present somewhere you are not
And it breaks my heart because she is absent from my life
But present in somebody else's
It's a choice they made
A priority they took
And you didn't win.
Once again you're at the back
And you're nobody's precious person
You have no one to be present for
You have no one to be absent from
You are just here
For yourself.

When you are around me you are
Fire on the floe
You burn too hot to touch but
I'm too cold to get away I
Linger around to get pieces of your warmth
Like ashes floating around

If we are broken we are mercury
We can never been destroyed
Bury us 6 feet under but
We still *RADIATE

If our story lasted only an hour
I would turn the world back on its axis
Again and again
To live this moment
I would breathe it in
Live it out.

I gave you the stars in my eyes
The light in my heart.

You gave me **nothing.

We are all missing something.
We miss a pair of shoes, a lover in our bed, a someone who could have been our future. We miss the way the way he touched you, a holiday that didn't last long enough, a lost earring that would match your outfit. We miss a heart we used to have, a scar that you put there, another that was given to you by someone who never should have touched you. We miss our innocence, the games we used to play as kids. We miss smells of our childhood.
In the end what we miss doesn't matter.
It is still lost.

I am a dot in a world of circles, I am a broken heart in the city of love, a lost soul in a world linked hearts... and I glide in between people's lives like I do not matter.

He smelled like burned meat and cigarettes.
It was terrifying.

She hadn't expected to feel this way.
This cold.
The feeling was foreign, like a long lost memory you couldn't quite place. The chill in her bones and the darkness surrounding her suffocated her, like being held underwater for too long.

You closed the door
Turned around and walked away
Oh, how I wish I could make you stay

I often wonder
If stuck in the mud
Would have turned into tag
And if instead of wondering if you'll ever come and save me
You would have been running to me instead

I have been breathing underwater for so long I cannot remember the last time I breathed air.
I cannot remember the last time my oxygen wasn't clogged by a mouthful of loneliness.
I cannot remember the last time I laughed and my voice didn't sound hollow in my ears.
I cannot remember the last time I opened my eyes in the morning, excited to see the new day.
I have been plagued by thoughts that drown me everyday a bit further down.
Voices in my head are turning circles trying to find a way out of my twisted mind.
I am going insane.
I stand on the edge of my roof and wait to see if the wind will give me a push.
I stare at myself in the mirror, hoping to find something alive in my features but all I see is dead tissue.
I try to rip the Band-Aid off to let the wound breathe but I rip my skin off instead.
I cry when I see people holding hands and laughing because I haven't laughed in years.
I have been dead inside for a month and I feel like time has stopped and eternity has already passed.
What is a life without a smile?
It is miserable.
I am miserable.
Miserably broken.
I am tired of trying and being broken again and again and again and again and again.
How do you live that way? How do you push through and get out on the other side?
I have done this so many times and yet I seem stuck in quicksand.
I struggle to get away and I get deeper and deeper in.
I cannot get away from my own thoughts.
I cannot get away from my own loneliness.
I am broken and my soul is leaking outside my body, my fingers are shaking and I cannot keep it inside.
I feel like I am dying everyday a new death when I wake up and realize I am still here.

Perhaps love is a dress rehearsal for death.

I have never been myself as much as I was during those six little days in your company. I let myself become a tornado and hoped to God you wouldn't be swept away by the wind I created in my quake.
2. Building a castle and realizing I am not two hands creating a masterpiece but four, and this beast we built makes me smile so much I fear I will never be able to frown again.
3. Running into the sea because you were already there and having this insane craving to pull you under, as if hiding you away from the earth and inside the sea's body would make me forget I am not the only one allowed to have you.
4. Putting a little wood onto the fireplace and realizing you are already here with logs and determination to make this burn. I still wish, sometimes, that the will you had to build a fire were as strong as your will to keep me around, but I was only a wind of change you blew in the fire for the flame to feed onto. I was just a tool to keep your warm.
5. The gentle hand tugging the blanket further down to cover the little hole by which all the cold air sneaked in to freeze my feet was the moment. I read the same sentence fourteen times because I would not look at you but then I caved and realized you had just opened a door that was supposed to be locked and walked straight into my heart.
6. We played 21 questions while hovering in a tiny boat on the sea's edges and I had the urge to make you drop your paddle and throw mine on the other end of the universe so we would be stuck on this piece of paradise forever.
7. If heaven is a place on earth it would be with you, on that canoe, at that precise moment in time.
8. I can never go back to heaven without letting hell burn me to ashes everytime the thought of you crosses my mind.
9. I burn everyday at least a hundred times.
10. Mastering the art of pretense has never been as difficult as it is now that I have to smile when you hold her and talk as if the universe has not stopped turning on its axis. How can you not see we are cosmic collision seconds apart from creating a whole new galaxy but time has stopped and I wish I could reach for your pinkie like I did 53 days ago but time is not having it.
11. Time has become my worst enemy.
12. I count the seconds I spent without you and the minutes I held you, I count the hours I could have looked at you instead of sleeping and days are longer than years in this world where you do not exist. I wait and wait and wait for the day I will wake up and finally be able to close the door you forgot to shut on your way out.
13. If love is an open door I will build a tower without any doors to lock my heart in and let it rot in loneliness because the pain of being abandoned is worse than the pain of not being alive.
14. My door is still open and if I have learned anything at all it is that no matter the hurt there comes a time when all is forgiven and the only words that will pass my aching lips will be the sound of my voice saying "Thank you, for stopping by".

Thoughts I had as you drove away
1. You were never as beautiful to me as the moment I realized it was the last time I would see you. I suddenly noticed tiny things about you, like how seeing the back of your neck hurt more than seeing the hue of your eyes.
2. I probably would have eaten that **** bacon quiche if you had cooked it because I don't know how to say no to you when you look at me and let me lose myself in the calm lake of your soul
3. I have wondered three hundred and forty eight times in the past two weeks whether or not you are happy now. I have seen you three times in fourteen days and each time you looked a bit strained, which is strange because I distinctly remember the twinkle in your left eye when we were canoeing and I wonder if it died, or if you hide it under your bed and put it on only for special occasions.
4. I wondered twice as many times when I stopped being a special occasion, if after opening the present, ripping off strands of me to get to my heart, you decided what you found was not worth your light. So you left the box open, the gift wrap spread all over the floor, and you moved on to another present, leaving me long forgotten.
5. Does someone else get to see that spark every now and then?
6. You grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. I didn't want to let go. I think at that point I would have rather lost my finger than let go of you. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen.
7. I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend. We are going to eat pop corn and laugh for hours and sit in silence and if happiness were a glowstick I would wear yours on my wrist and give you mine so I would shine on you and you would shine on me.
8. I never got around to getting my glowstick back.
9. You never got around to giving me yours.
10. If happiness is a glowstick I am a toxic liquid broken by inadvertence and hidden under your bed so you don't see the memories I wrote all over your room when I broke open.
11. I am not alone under your bed. I am a broken glowstick and there's the twinkle of your smile lying beside me quietly, wondering when you will wear it again. It fits you. Just like I fit you.
12. Maybe the things that fit you all end up under your bed because you are afraid we suit you so well you wouldn't be able to remove us from you, we would become like ivy, climbing onto your walls and spreading all around, breaking through your window and intruding into your house like a disease.
13. I am not a disease.
14. I would wrap myself around you and cover you like a precious gift when darkness hits so you would understand you are my heart. I don't need to put you in a box or under my bed. I don't need to put you anywhere. I want to display you, show you off like something fancy I have no right to own and yet. Yet here you are.
15. You were my winning lottery ticket.
16. The moment you drove away, I realized the ticket sat on the empty seat beside you.
17. They announced the numbers on TV tonight, and as I sat here I could not remember what numbers I had chosen. Maybe I won. Maybe I didn't. But because you drove away, I'm afraid I will never know.