eyes
the window to your soul
such gorgeous objects
that hold onto my heart

the beautiful deep abyss of darkness eyes
the enchanting sea blue of the clear sky eyes
the gorgeous forest green of nature-loving eyes
the captivating honey-colored sunshine eyes
the stunning earth-toned life-breathing eyes

all eyes are beautiful to me
no matter the color

the day is approaching
faster and faster
the day I pack up all my stuff
put it into boxes
load it into the car
empty out my room
and drive for a couple of hours
I will unpack my life
into a tiny new room
that will be my home for a year
I'll look at my barren room
waiting to be decorated
and filled
I'll make it my own
no matter how I miss my home hours away

it's quite lonesome by myself
no one to talk to
no one to hang out with
so, I detach from reality
engrossed in my phone
or my tv
disappearing into another world
to escape from my loneliness
my bed is my vessel to transport me
into another setting
tv shows and instagram
are my loophole
else I wallow in despair
as the loneliness seeps into my bones

my scars
should I be ashamed of them
the answer isn't clear
but what I know is
that I find them beautiful
they may not have came from beauty
but they grew to be

the scars erupted from pain and misery
I was searching for an escape
an outlet for my despair
I found it in blades

they marred my skin
but I love them so
I don't want to be judged for them
but I find beauty in the pain

my friend, you are important to me
when I'm with you, I'm as happy as can be
that's true you see

you are talented and beautiful
you are funny and honest
you are kind and sweet

your deep brown eyes glitter in the sun
your curly dark hair frames your face nicely
your smile is contagious and bright

my friend, I will not leave you
when you're feeling blue
I'll cheer you up, it's true

we're inseparable
we're linked
we're forever friends

I used to stumble through life
My world full of strife
The thoughts inside my head
Were riddled with bloodshed
I say farewell to that person
So my mind will not worsen
I made an extreme change
It added happiness to my range
If my poems gave any indication
My depression took a forever vacation
It's hard to articulate how I feel
So I use poetry to reveal
My body positivity is hard
But I won't let it be marred
I try to be my favorite support
But I need others in my court
I put in lots of effort to be content
But sometimes I just need to vent
My outlook on my future is positive
I won't be controlled by the negative

Amethyst crystals shining in the sunlight
Violet skies in the dusky night
Lavender flowers arranged in a glass vase
Lilac clouds floating in the vibrant sunset
Indigo seas reflecting the dark sky
Plum fruits hanging from the sturdy branches
Fuchsia trees clustered in the deep forest
Magenta lipstick smeared across a smile
Orchid plants flowing in the cool breeze

Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my heart hammers in my chest
making my body sway
making my arms shake
I tremble and wobble
my mind a tornado of thoughts
my stomach churning and roiling
like a treacherous stormy sea
Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my breath is shallow
the breathing techniques aren't working
what do I do
panic rises up my throat
I feel detached from reality
everything sounds muted
like I'm not really there
all in my own world
as my anxiety threatens to overtake me

You've gone through a lot
that much is true.
You've attempted to end your life
the outcome never as you wanted.
But soon enough you'll appreciate life
and the joys of being alive.
The road to recovery is a tough and long one
but it's one you're willing to take.
You haven't self-harmed in over 80 days
I know you can't fathom that.
Self-harm was your lifeline
in the awful house you lived in.
Yes, past tense, lived in
you escaped that hell of a house.
Your siblings have not
but they were always favored more.
You don't have many friends
but the ones you do are amazing.
Sadly, those friends live far away
but when you see them,
it's like you were never apart.
You still struggle with mental health
but you're getting better and stronger.
Life is more enjoyable now
even though we never wanted to be alive this long.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm still alive.
- Liam

I walk through the halls
like a forgotten ghost
everyone looks through me
like they can't see me
but to be honest
it's better if they don't see me
because when they do
the things they say
oh, the things they say
hurt like a knife to the chest
the pounding of my heart
spills the blood of anger
and seeping sadness
and splatters on the walls

they say fake it until you make it
I faked being happy and alright
have I made it yet
sometimes the answer is yes
and sometimes it's a no
content to sad
to content
a small rollercoaster
or emotions
way more manageable
than how it used to be
it was euphoria to despair
to terror to content
then do it all again
it was mania now its productivity
the change is drastic
but a welcome one at that

I wonder how I would've turned out
if I lived a different life
one without childhood trauma
and mental illness
one without severe anxiety
and self-consciousness
would I be happy
and carefree
how would I feel
would I have lots of friends
because I wouldn't be scared to talk to people
would I eat healthy
and not feel guilty when I have a sweet treat
would I be grateful to experience life
I don't know
but I can try to make it a reality now
I can't change what I went through then
but I can change what I'll do now
and in the future

at school, I barely say a word
I like to be unheard
they laugh at me
very indiscreetly
I hate it
I wish they would quit
my anxiety knows no bounds
my heart erratically pounds
I don't speak in fear
because they make fun of what they hear
the whispers, the laughter
at home, I'll replay it after
I pretend not to notice
but my anger and embarrassment threaten to surface

yes, I'm a poet
and I'm proud of it too
but reality sinks in letting me wallow in self-pity
I'll always be the poet
never a poem
I'll write about their eyes
their laugh
their perfect imperfections
but no one will capture my laugh
my smile
my beautiful flaws
I will always be a poet
but never a poem
I will write about beauty and grace
about love and heartache
but no one will turn me into a poem
I am stuck giving people words
and never getting any in return

I am a misfit
and I'm okay with that
I mean, I have to be
I don't want to blend in
and be the same as everyone else
I don't like clean girl makeup
but it's okay if you do
I like bold makeup
and it's okay if you don't
I am unique and different
sure, it might be hard to make friends similar to me
but I'd rather have little to no friends
by being myself
than having lots of friends
by being someone else
I may be lonely now
but it's even lonelier being someone you're not
I'm a misfit
and I'm okay with that

as I travel along my healing journey
a thought nags in the back of my mind
what if my poems suffer
because I'm no longer suffering
what if my pain made masterpieces
and without it I'm nothing
what if I lose my writing ability
because I lost the agony
I don't want to suffer
but poetry is such a big part of me
my pain made it flourish
but what if I cannot do that any longer
I want to be known for my poetry
what am I without it
my pain helped my art
it made the words fly
out of my mind
but I will not let pain be my only motivator
I will find beauty in the world and in myself

I'm doing better
but is my better good enough
yeah, I've been clean from self-harm for almost 3 months
but sometimes I think about it
I laugh easier
but I still feel lonely
my smiles are real
but I think about my eating way too much
I shouldn't discredit my wins
but all I can think of are my shortcomings
I wish I had positive thoughts
to go with my positive mood
I'm sad but I'm happy
it's quite the conundrum
I need to stop focusing on my downs
and praise my ups
I'm doing better now
I'm happier
more carefree
still anxious of course
but way better
I love the way I feel
and how I can appreciate the little things
like my motivation
I do so much more than I used to
I'm happy
but part of me thinks it's a ruse
that something bad is going to happen
that part of me might be right
but it also might be wrong

the sky so hauntingly beautiful
with all it's different faces
so pale and grey and somber
so vibrant and orange and joyous
so dark and purple and mysterious
so bright and blue and carefree
the sky has many faces
they change at will
with the change of the wind
the colors shift to show it's emotions
the sky so hauntingly beautiful

I write my heart out
my feelings I was beginning to doubt
then I came here
filled with fear
but came my way was not abuse or hate
it gave me the motivation to create
so kind a community
my heart no longer performed an emotional mutiny
I bared my soul to this place
your kindness shone onto my face
you have all been so nice
and it didn't come with a price

what if I'm so anxious
because I'm focusing on all the things
I'll say goodbye to
when I could be thinking about
all the things I'll say hello to
I'm saying goodbye to lots of things
but I'm saying hello to even more

I have these complicated feelings
they unfurl in my chest
begging to be let out
I release them from the ribcage
with a pen and paper
my poems are their escape
it makes me feel lighter
like happiness can fill me
instead of the dark curling tendrils
of despair

I am uncertain
can I really do this
go to college
live on my own
make my own money
be an adult
get my license
I'm not ready
everything is happening so fast
I feel disoriented
will I ever feel capable
I can't do this
it's too much
just breathe
you can do this
anxiety captures me again
I don't know if I can do this

take it day by day
there will be ups and downs
but soon enough there'll be more ups than downs
life gets better day by day
one day might be low and sad
you might contemplate death
then the next day it will be a joy to live
so excited to do things and see people
take it day by day
things will change
it will get better
you just have to make through each day

one day I'll find my soulmate
I'll marvel at their eyes
so blue and deep like the ocean with waves that brush up against the damp sand
or so green and mysterious like the endless forest with echoes of birds calling out to each other
or so brown and bright like the earth that brings forth life and beauty
I'll write poems about their smile and their laugh
like the sun shone from their lips like the sound of ecstasy
I'd write never-ending ballads about their heart
so abundant with love
a kind word to say about everybody
one day I'll find my soulmate
and I'll love them like they've never been loved before

I have always been the gifted child
overachiever and overworking myself
desperate for approval
if I get good grades, maybe my parents will love me
get straight A's
get on the honor roll
be the top of my class
a B is the same as an F
you drilled that into me
my worth was dependent on my grades
if I wasn't the best, I was worthless
I hold these messages to this day
no matter how detrimental they are to me
now staying a the top and the best grades is a struggle
I can't be the perfect child anymore

the sky afire with pinks and oranges and yellows
the sun rising to greet the clouds
the trees silhouetted against the colors
the birds chirping to the others fills the chilly air
the breeze grazes your shoulder
caresses your arm
another beautiful day to be alive

I wish I could say that I miss the simple times
but in truth, my younger self didn't live a simple life
so complex and fear-coated
I never had a time to be thoughtless and carefree
the sharp stabbing truth was I was never allowed to be young
to be happy and unburdened
I was made to work and slave away
to work my childhood dreams away
the tremendous weight of being a child adult chained to the ground
until my mind was grotesque with hatred and fear

am I alone
alone in this world
my breath shudders as I curl under my covers
the world is silent
silent to my pain
the world turns a blind eye to my loneliness
am I alone
it feels like it
going to school, talking to no one
going home and hiding in my room
no one messages my phone
all alone
alone with my thoughts
"they don't like you"
"don't bother them"
"you're a burden"
"leave them alone"
they say

do I want to die
or do I want the flashbacks to go away
do I want to die
or do I want the trauma to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to not hate myself
do I want to die
or do I want to not get older
do I want to die
or do I want to not live in fear
do I want to die
or do I want the paranoia to go away
do I want to die'
or do I want the severe anxiety to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to eat without worrying about my weight
do I want to die
or do I want to feel whole again
do I want to die
or do I want to escape my problems
my mental illness
my crippling loneliness
my fear
my uncertainty
the unknown future
do I want to die
or do I want the pain to go away

Staring at my reflection
Thinking that I’m dumb
And picking out every flaw I own
Staring into the distance knowing I’m wrong
Tearing myself apart and not eating a crumb
Trying to lose weight and walking endlessly
To try and scare the pounds away
Disappointing my bio mother and not making her proud
All I want from my parents are love and acceptance
But instead I get backstabbed
Blocking out reality and staying up ‘till midnight
Writing stories and leaving them unfinished
I wish to be heard but I’m left in the dark
Crying in my sleep and being abandoned
Complaining that it isn’t fair won’t make it better

tremors
the familiar anxious feeling
when I'm all alone
alone with my thoughts
the shadows creep in
gifting me tremors
tremors that capture my hands and legs
tremors that make my heart flutter and pound
tremors that terrify me
reminding me of that night
the night I tried to end it all
the memory gives me tremors
and terror

why do I think of you still
it feels like you control me even when we're no contact
I don't miss you I tell myself
you were evil and violent and controlling
I don't miss you
I miss the idea of you
the idea of comfort and romantic love
but that isn't you
I want softness and gentle love
you cut me with your sharp edges and your harsh words
I won't go back to you, I can't
yet I still think of you and it's torture
I'll admit I'm lonely
but I need to keep my standards
a violent lover is no lover of mine
not anymore

anxiety is the bane of my existence
it consumes me
eating away at my sanity
until it controls everything i do

heart pounding so hard that i feel stabbing pains in my chest
my lungs get put into overdrive until they feel like they collapsed
my throat burns and closes up
i feel like i can't breathe

my stomach becomes the bermuda triangle
twisting and churning, ******* everything to the bottom
my body is filled with tremors and my legs don't seem to be strong enough to walk

my mind races and blurs of thoughts race back and forth
it feels like everyone is staring at me
i can feel their eyes boring into me
judging me
and when i hear someone laughing
i believe it's me they're laughing at
after all all i am is a joke
a freak
“a girl who thinks she's a boy”
an ugly clown

so i dont go out of my way to talk to people my age
at school i keep my eyes to the floor
and my expression blank and emotionless
i don't want people to know what im thinking
for fear of what they might do with it

you were cancerous to be
leeching off of me
manipulating me
i'm not sorry for cutting you off
like a tumor growing on my skin
you had to go
i don't want to feel bad for getting help
but you made me guilty
i didn't deserve to hear you threaten suicide
im sorry i was busy
but i was helping someone in need
i cant talk 24/7
you made me feel bad for attempting suicide
saying you almost tried to as well
you never asked how i was feeling
you only cared about you
and the attention you got
so i'm not sorry for cutting you off
i need to be healthy
and you were not the kind i want to surround myself with

the darkness threatens to overtake me
to soothe my sadness with pain
self-inflicted pain
but i must not give in
this will pass
it won't last for long
but it seems so sweet
like a familiar lullaby
but the lullaby has a dark undertone
like ring around the rosie
i will not give it
i am stronger than this
it will pass
i will not embrace the blade
no longer will i obey its every call

the urges are coming back
the urge to skip breakfast
to skip lunch
the urge to work out until dizzy
and lightheaded
the thoughts are getting strong
the thoughts about my weight
about my size
i wish i was never like this
but awful parents that were vocal about their and others weight gives you a complex
oh that poor seven year old me calling theirself fat

Spiteful, yes that is what I am
You think a diagnosis can wash away your sins
But you made me feel worthless and fat
You can try to spin the tale around
But you and I know what truly happened
Your rough heart cut me deep
I’m still bleeding to this day
I drown in my tears from the agony you gave me
Yet you pretend it never happened
You ignore my pain and brush it off
The facade of trying to connect with me crumbled
I see now what your true intentions were
To show that you spend time with all your kids
But I won’t forget the screaming and beatings
It seems worse that you did the abuse sober
No alcohol to make you violent
It was truly you
You can’t blame your diagnosis

you emailed me
it was in my spam
i deleted it without reading it
part of me yearns to know what it said
to feel your arms wrapped around me
but my heart seems to forget how angry and dangerous those hands could be
it wants to feel his warm lips against mine
but seems to forget the lies and manipulation that oozed from them
why do i do this to myself
i don't deserve to be treated like that
i was viewed as something to be owned and dominated and used
not cared for or loved or protected
he pretended to care
but he just wanted my body
i need to drill that into my head so i don't end up with him again
he isn't the one
he is emotionally violent
verbally violent
physically violent
he is not to be trusted or let in again
i will not repeat my mistakes

what is love
how does someone
open themselves to love another
I don't know if my heart
can handle anymore
vulnerability
how does one love healthily
I only know how to idolize someone
to think they can do no wrong
that they're perfect
I'd do anything for them
then to hatred in the blink of an eye
everything they do is wrong
they're the same as trash
I don't want to see them ever again
why do I switch between
idolize, hatred, idolize, hatred
so on and so forth
until one day
I feel nothing towards them
I don't hate them
but I don't idolize/"love" them
I think I must be broken
if I cannot love
or even know what love is

I wish I was in love
and to have them love me back
I wish I could send them "good morning" and "good night" texts
I wish I could spam them with videos
I wish I could hold their hands
I wish I could hug them, kiss them, laugh with them
I wish I wasn't so lonely
I'm always told that I need to love myself before I can truly love someone
but how can I love all my rough edges and sharp thorns
how can I love someone like me
I can love others
I don't see their flaws or if I do, it makes them perfectly imperfect
I see all my flaws and shortcomings
I can love the whole world if need be
but I don't leave any for me
I don't feel myself worthy of love
But I wish I was in love
I could love them
and cherish them
I wish they would love me
and cherish me
and accept that I am not a girl
it sounds like a fantasy
it seems nothing like the harsh reality
the harsh reality of loneliness and abandonment and heartbreak and transphobia

I wish I could've been a kid
a happy kid, a normal kid
a kid who was loved
not a kid who knew which parent was coming and if they were in a bad mood by their footsteps
a kid who played with toys
a kid who didn't slave away taking care of the house and their siblings
I wish my childhood were an actual childhood
I wish I didn't have to worry about getting beat
or screamed at
or not allowed to eat dinner
or made to swallow dish soap
I wish my unhealthy relationships weren't normal to me
I wish I knew what a healthy relationship looked like
I wish I didn't endure what I endured
it was too much for a little kid to carry
and it's too much for me to carry now

I slashed at my thighs
with an anger buried deep inside
no one heard my silent cries
tears blurred my vision
so I wiped them away
and picked up the blade
I use my body as a canvas
and paint an image prettier than me
with my blood
it tells a tale of sorrow and woe
where the child knew nothing of love
so lost and alone
the blade was a comfort
the scars a reminder
a reminder of when life gets tough
and everyone leaves
you'll always have me
since 11 years old I've cut
cut my arms
cut my thighs
see the blood, look now you feel high
higher than depression can reach
now you're sad
let's do it again

I wear long sleeves in the summertime
I spend my days unsticking my pants from my thighs
I must admit I relish the sting when the water hits
the shower brings pain from my self-inflicted cuts
I see beauty when the blade digs in and the blood drips down my wrists and thighs
I hope these scars last an eternity

exhaustion settles into my bones as my screams turn into silence
the darkness comes and goes in waves as I continue my descent in the downward spiral
oh how I wish that my scars would open up and start bleeding
the ocean drags me down into the deep abyss
the agony seeps under my skin and permeates how I see the world
my sickness is one that can never me cure

Invalidated day after day
“She” “her” “girlfriend”
Replayed in my head
Never silencing the wrong pronouns that people say
They love me but why can’t they call me something other than a girl

Wishing they’ll change
“They” “them” “he” “him” “boyfriend”
Anything other than “girl” would make me happy
Would satisfy that little boy inside me aching to be called for what he is

Second biggest insecurity? My chest
Why?
It makes me feel like a girl and I don't want to feel like that
I hate how the way I dress or do my makeup makes me look female
It’s like nothing I do matters for people to think I'm a boy
Sure a select few respect my pronouns
But it's not many

I feel so alone and isolated with my dysphoria
No one I know can understand my struggle
I just wish I had a flat chest and a masculine face
Then I could get away with wearing makeup without looking like a female

Sometimes I want to plead with god why he made me hate myself so
I didn't ask for this
This constant battle of wanting to cut my chest just so it can feel the way I feel when I see them
It hurts deep inside to see this ugly body being portrayed as a woman
I want to be a boy
Nothing people say can make me hate my body less

I look in the mirror at myself and I want to cry
This isn’t how I should be physically
I hate it
No matter what gender I feel day to day, I can never please myself
I grow my hair out so I can look a little feminine
But then I chop it off so I can look masculine
One side will be happy for a short period then it will be angry again

I just want to be content when I see myself
Why must I be like this
Dysphoria is a demon I fight daily
But I never win
It had grown too strong over the years

you know something i think about often
i don't have a personality
i just mimic others
the people i interact with
i mirror their personality
i mirror their texting language
i mirror the phrases or terms they use
i mirror their body language
i mirror their actions
their beliefs
their interests
their jokes
i mirror them
until i am just a patchwork personality of a million others that aren't mine
but you can't tell me to be myself when there isn't a self to be
I'm an empty shell, a husk of a person
there's nothing inside my heart
i have no personality
there is no me to be
and no matter how hard i search inside of me
there is nothing to be found
i am nothing
i am empty
i have no personality
i can't be myself when there is no self to be
who am i if nothing but everyone around me

do you ever feel so suicidal that you feel it in your body
my heart is shaky and pounding
my stomach is churning
my skin feels hot
my eyes are damp
my mind is racing and storming
i can't think coherently
except about…
“i really want to die”
“i don't want to be alive anymore”
“maybe this time it won't be an attempt but suicide”
“i can't do this anymore”
“let me die let me die please if there's a god out there let me die let me die **** me please”
“I'm so weak and pathetic”
“my whole life I've been abused and assaulted it haunts me”
“I'm suffering with every breath I take and every heartbeat it's shoved into my ******* face laughing that I'm still alive”
“I'm such a failure I can't even **** myself so pathetic 12 suicide attempts”

day after day after day
I push myself to work harder
to complete more assignments
to push myself past my limits
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
I skip breakfast
and lunch
and sometimes dinner
but my body makes me eat a snack
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
the cuts and the burns cover my body
giving me new scars
and new pain
my secret outlet for all my unspoken pain
why do I do this to myself

when i tried to **** myself that night
something in my brain broke
i wasn't the same anymore
usually after a black and white episode
i can feel love for that person/people again
but when i woke up in the hospital after that attempt
that love was gone
i used to be able to feel love for some people and all animals
now i can't love humans anymore
i feel even less empathy for humans now than i did before
i can barely care about my friends
how can i care about anyone else
my heart is shriveled up and dead
it doesn't work anymore

I'm in an underground labyrinth searching for the exit my whole life
everything seems like I took a wrong turn leading me deeper into the darkness
if I see light
how do I know if it's just a flashlight or a trick
or the sun the taste of freedom or liberation
do I follow the light and feed into the potentially false hope
and let me fall into despair once again
or do I even want to escape anymore
this labyrinth is all I know
what would I do with my life if I found the door leading me out
away from the horrors of my life
how would I even be able to adapt to this new life full of smiles and sunlight
maybe I'll stay here in my darkness
alone with my thoughts that torture me
yeah, it hurts but it's my normal
just like the scars on my arms
begging to be reopened
to have red spill down my wrists
to stain my sleeves
I can handle hoodies in the summer
If I've done it before
I can do it again
they all tell me to not do it again
but I don't want to listen to them
they say there are so many coping skills that will make you feel better
but those people haven't put a blade to their wrist and watched the blood trickle out
to feel the sting the adrenaline the pain
it's everything I need and want
don't take away something that actually helps me
I can swallow all these pills but that isn't gonna do anything good
if I hear “just be mindful” or “use mindfulness, it'll be the cure” one more time
I might scream until I go deaf and lose my voice
no one seems to listen to what I say
it's like I'm all alone in a crowded room no one sees me
they all look through me like I'm not even there
like I don't exist