I said I wanted to be left alone
Which makes me a liar
You knew that though
You know that loneliness follows me wherever I go
But you didn’t protest
Which I guess proves my point

I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself again
Which makes me a liar
You must have known that though
I’m not to be trusted with anything sharp
But nothing cuts worse than the words from your mouth
Stinging me hours, days, and months later

I told you was doing okay
Which makes me a liar
But why wouldn’t I lie
When it’s easier for both of us this way
You get to live your fantasy where everything is fine
And I don’t have to be more of a burden
Because I even weigh myself down

I pretended I didn’t need you
Which makes a liar
But after all this time
How could I reach out to you
After I’ve lied all my life
Subtle manipulation to make you think I’m not broken
But I am broken
I think this is all on me
Yet sometimes I wonder how you can’t see the cracks in my facade

I am a liar, but you must be too

Here I am again
On the verge of tears
Quiet
I tell myself
That way nobody will hear
I pace the floor
My family is sleeping
But my mind is awake
Abuzz with insecurities  
I tear myself apart
Somehow I find myself
Reaching for a blade
I haven’t done that in 4 days
I know it sounds crazy
But it was the longest I’d gone since March
I reset the clock
So now I wait
To be so broken again
All I can think of is destroying myself more

I desperately need today to end
But I fear what tomorrow has in store
I wish more than anything
Everything would stop
Maybe then I could clear my mind
Figure my time-bomb life out
I’m running out of options
Out of space
Out of time
Suspended in terror for what my life may become
Already weighed down by the past
Trapped in this life that I never asked for
Wondering
What’s the use
If all I’ll ever amount to
Is petrified

Once
You asked what you meant to me
I said you were color
You bring beauty into my dark world
Showing me that everything has a purpose
A point
And a meaning
Then I asked
What I meant to you
You said I was color, too

The first time I wanted to **** myself was 6th grade
Wandering the school corridors
I thought to myself
“What’s even the point?”
I was scared of my mind ever since
Thoughts of suicide consume me now
Like vultures
I am their prey
But though I am meek
I am not helpless
I am fighting a battle
A war I am ready to die for
Even though I don’t know what I’m dying for
Except
Despite the fact that I do not know what lies ahead
I know it must be something
So I must keep fighting
Until I find my future

Barai juta juta kali pun buat apa brade?

You all alone, and that I promise.

Alone is going to protect you.

So easy is
to say sorry
than
to feel sorry