and come with me, baby
we will fade into obscurity.
the fog swirls with us
as we dance away from the sun

there is nothing more romantic
than death on a sunday night
i long to be right
to win a fight

i am trapped in a limbo
waiting, expecting
only to be put down
like a miserable puppy buried in the ground.

kiss me quickly
for our time leaves soon
and before you know it, it’s noon
and before you know it, you see the moon

monday morning and misery
but this is no regular apathy
this is a different kind, more gloomy
the sadness in my soul is more roomy

tell me, my lover
why must we live?
why must we suffer?



i have nothing more to give

I wish there was something I could write,
Something I could say.
I wish I could sleep at night,
I wish you could stay.

what do i write?

i can write all i want, but

the thoughts won’t come out.

what do i play?

i have all the keys but

nothing figured out.

what do i draw?

i have all the pencils but

i don’t have the inspiration.


how do i feel?

i have all the thoughts but




no way to tell you.

I know I have let you all down.
My heart stings at the sound of my voice.
I’ll give the people what they want.
My heart aches at the feeling of my warmth.

I can feel your words cut through my back.
Silently whispered between the walls.
I can feel your lips brush against my neck.
Sensations felt long ago.

I sense your eyes boring into me
It was there for a long time.
What do you say when I’m not there?
It was said for a long time.

I’ve been sad for a long time.
I’ve felt bad for a long time.
I’ve thought about this for a long time.


I mean it this time.

stomach twists in pure fear
i’ve had enough people for a year
feel their eyes burning into me
rather leave you for soul deceit

alone and focused on
i feel so far gone
i want to scream
i want to wake up from this dream

i think i look stupid
i don’t think i feel worth it
hoping for someone to take the blame
of the loneliness left untamed

will they see me write this?
can i justify this?
i just want a friend to sit down with
i don’t need a hug or a kiss

i want to go home
i want to say no
trapped in obligations
sadness in mitigation

maybe i should say something
but it might disturb something
how are you?
good, i’ve got something to do

come watch my misery
from a comfortable bird’s eye view

A nasty stain,
You'll wring the curtains of me
Someday.

I’m too scared to trust you.

Too scared to trust anyone.


Should I have broken up with you?

No, I love you.


Or maybe I’m just so desperate that the feeling is disguised as love.

(Let’s be desperate together)

I’m so tired


So sick and tired
Of feelings


That I feel nothing.



I wish you could understand
That my fatigue isn’t only physical.


I want to feel the joy of love
The ease of life.

I want to flow and not strain and crack when I dance.

I want to sing for thousands,
Maybe millions

And let them hear my heartfelt screams.

I want to wear whatever the hell I want,

Without being judged.




Can’t you see?

I want to be free.


Why can’t the world


Just let me be?

you held my trust
like a glass in your hands—then you crushed it,



and blamed me for the blood



dripping down your fingers.

when i look you in the eyes


i

        j ust

wa.   nt to


di.    E.


not because i dont

l ov



          e you.


but becaus

e



         my lov

E

        
shared

with you


doesn’t seem



R                 E               A                  L.

i shouldn’t have broken your trust, and i don’t expect to see you again but





i still miss hanging out with you



that summer.

stop
breathing
stop
moving
stop
beating
(heart)
stop
writing

when i am in your presence
i already begin to miss you.

when you walk out of the door,
i feel as if a part of me is being pulled away.

once you have left,
i see the ghost of your shadow,
feel your once-lived touch,
and i am also enveloped in the warmth that once was.

every place in my house reminds me of you—
the ledge where we once sat, and
the bed where we once kissed.

everything i see
keeps reminding me.

i play it off as you leave,
but once you are gone,
the feeling pulls at my feet—
pulling me into the shadows.




but the thought of you lifts me up.

but the sound of your voice makes me feel hope once more.

but seeing your face makes my heart ache.

but seeing your texts makes me miss you more than ever.


but that doesn’t matter.


because my appreciation for you always remains.


because remembering when we first held hands reminds me that there is so much more to come.


because every time i’m with you reminds me of the first time.






because no matter how long i have to wait ‘till i see you,



no matter how far i have to walk,



no matter how much land i have to traverse,



no matter how much i have to endure,







i will always think of you.
i will always miss you.
i will always hope to see you—
even if it is impossible.



but most importantly,










i will always love you.

Please,
Turn off the music.
It is pathetic,
Stupid,
Useless,
Overly-sensitive,
Victim music.

The glistening tile—
The shiny mirror.

The clear shower curtain—
The silver faucets.

The box of tissues—
The marble counter.

The bright lights—
The green rug.

The green rug
That my knees collapse onto.

The silver faucet
That releases the water
I splash my face with.

The box of tissues—
My only reliable friend.

The marble counter
That I slam my fists on top of.

The door that I lock—
The handle that remains unturned.


Please leave me here


In my place of eternal concern.

I wish you were someone I could read—
I wish I could know if you really love me.


I wish your voice was something I could understand.

Your way of speaking seems so soft at times—
You have a rich baritone that encompasses so many mysteries.

I wish your eyes were something I could read.

The way you look at me is like no other—
But I’m too afraid to look back.

I wish your voice was something I could understand.


When you sing to me,
The notes and melodies interlace in a ribbony flow—
Almost like that of caramel.

When I lay my head on your chest,
I can feel the vibrations from your vocal cords as you speak.


I wish your voice was something I could see.


Disguised in flowing silk—
Your voice can feel like a ploy.

I wish my contempt


Was something you could see.

i don’t know who you are, but



i will beat you.



i don’t know why you’re here, but



i will overcome you



i know you’ll be back tomorrow morning,




but,




i will smile,



even as you **** me.




i will smile,




till the very end.






i will not






give in













to you.

[play message?]
>yes

“hi! i’m just calling to let you know what’s been going on lately...guess i’ll start now, since you’re not picking up...hehe...


it so stupid sometimes—
texting certain ways and saying certain things,
as if it will let them know that you’re not okay.

it so pointless,
because they don’t notice when you cry out.

they don’t notice because they aren’t you.

it’s stupid to wish they were you.

it’s stupid to think they’ll know.

it’s stupid to let yourself feel this much.

it’s a luxury to feel those little mental bruises.

it’s disgusting.

you’re disgusting.”



[end of message]
[play again?]
>no
[delete?]
>

The snow falls
On my naked body,
White covering
My open wounds.

The light leaving my eyes,
This is a blessed demise.
My blood running cold,
I no longer feel old.

My skin,
Pale with cold.
My hands,
Numb and old.

My wrinkles
Fade to nothing
As I begin my descent
Into mourning.

I suddenly feel saddened
That it must end so soon—

But then I remember
I am not the youthful girl I used to be
That December.

My moment of recall begins to fall,
Like a fragile ember.
I do not feel like I did
That December.

I was able to accomplish so much
Yet—
So little
In my wide-span life.

So much—
Because I met my first love,
Had my first kiss,
And was someone to miss.

But so little—
Because everyone can do those things.

No, so much—
Because all those little things
Make great things for me.

I realize that life is a fragile hourglass.
Some clumps in the sand might slow it down,
But the result is still the same.
I solemnly find out
That this is the end of my game.

And after all this time—
After all these years—

I remember.

The best thing,
The most beautiful thing,


Was that one day.
That one day,
When I fell in love with you.

The moment in my life most worthy to remember—


Was that day,



That December.

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

The look of distaste
Spreads across your face.

Yes, this is indeed
Deserved hate.

I just came in
And took your place.

Yes, indeed,
This is my designated fate.

We have nothing in common,
But we both know the same feeling.

We both know the feeling of loving someone more then ourselves.

Yes, indeed,
It is guilty I plead.

So crucify me,
Pin me to a wall,
And stab me—
I don’t care.

For all of it
Is deserved by me.

A thousand times over,



I am sorry

what do i do when

the skin on my chest isn’t
real enough to be
opened?


what do i do when
the buttons of my blouse
don’t fasten so
you can’t pull them apart?


what do i do when
the heart inside my body isn’t
really beating at all and
everything is rotting away and dead?



what do i do when




there really isn’t anything wrong with my head?

i’m honestly scared to death of
falling for you but
maybe i’ll just


let it all play out.

We would be friends...
That's how it could have been.
We would have fun...
That's how it could have been.

I wonder why I still think of how you might see me?
The opportunity has passed already.
I wonder why I still fancy having a conversation with you?
That's no longer possible.

Maybe, one day we could still be friends...
That's how it could be.
We might be able to have fun...
That's how it can be.

Maybe, one day your friendship
Could breathe into me
The life that I held so dear,
But had forgotten so easily.

you’re gone




and i’m back to feeling



bad



        again.

And I see it.

I see it now.


I was right
I was right
I was right
I was right.



All my love







Was a lie.

you’re so close—
i can feel you under my skin.


you’re permeating my bones,
my ever sweet rose.


you’re so close—
i love how i can grab you so easily,
and put you in an exotic comatose.


i love your scent—
your fresh scent of regret.


you’re so close—
if i could just have one more turn...


you lay on the floor,
appetizing and deluxe.


i just want
one bite.


you’re so close—
so close that i could just crumple you up,
my ever sweet rose.


you’re fine-tuned to a
fatal perfection,
my dying rose.


let my water sink into your pores and
permeate your cells.


i shall bring you back to life.


you’re so close—
so close i could just touch you and
rip your heart out,
my lifeless rose.


oh, rose,
don’t go.


you’re so far—
after all,
you’re dead.
a jumbled bouquet




hanging out of my arm.

you’ve always




disliked me






on a grave scale.

Together
We stand,
Hand in hand,
Ready for the bad things to come our way.

Together we lay,
To end the day,
And for our affection there will be no delay.

And tomorrow we will wake,
And our backs will ache.
But since we are together,
It will go down smoothly,
Like a velvety and smooth bite of cake.

And through the streets we walk,
Making small talk,
And stopping to write our names on the wall
In a colorful chalk.

We dye our souls,
With the flame of a thousand coals.
We walk the streets,
Me looking at you,
And you looking at me.

one day
the dark left
and the clouds parted
it was the smallest separation
of Heaven's lips

the light passed
through the thin line of sun
a beam cutting through the cream-colored sky
the soft glow
of the rays upon your cheeks

the warmth brushed
against your soft skin lightly
a whisper of hope
and a lullaby of love


slowly,
surely,
i will let you in
again

___________________


­



















































    Why have you opened this? I told you there was nothing to read.



























































­








                         Please respect what I said...thank you.















































            
­















                  There is nothing to read in my next poem, either.
























































        ­                                      Or the one after that.


















                        

























        Or the one after that.      









































                                                 Tell me,











                            


                              





























  ­                         What was so intriguing about this blank document?


















___________­________

sitting here
as the world comes to an end,
i think i’m still



pondering why



my text was left on read.

i hate
everything
i hate
social media
i hate
myself
i hate
my body
i hate
this world
i hate
this pain
it will not end
no matter how much i try
it always comes back
to make me cry.

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

Your light
Burns through me.

And a sudden throbbing fills me
When you look at me.

Your light,
Almost penetrating me,
Bores holes into my body that lays here without use.

My body broken,
Healing is too late to the
Appointment—

Too late to make a change in my worsening condition.

However, my soul has not been lost.

Make it shine one more time.


And before me you stand,
As if answering my unspoken command.

Carefully,
You guide your thick shell off your body.

Slowly,
You reveal yourself to me.

Light shines in through the window,
Slowly penetrating my pores.

But when I behold you,
I am entombed in a comforting darkness.

You lunge toward me,
Forcing your fragile body forward lustfully.

I cannot resist,
For your darkness calms me—
Entrances me.


And then you shed your final skin.

The true you has emerged,
Thrusting your naked spirit upon my body,
(Filthy with sorrow.)

I behold,
The ****** Innocence coming upon me.

I have lost my chastity to sons of the “evil being”.

No more innocence,
I am the ***** *******.

But this experience brings upon me
A different feeling,
Like that of deeply sleeping.

I draw myself closer,
Where your lips whisper.

I do not need to know what they say,
For I already know the words.

Our fingers intertwining,
Our spirits violently colliding,
I lose myself in the detail of your spirit.

No pain is felt when you are near,
For you are the one I hold dear.

You have lost your sense of indulgent chastity to the likes of me,
A worthless piece of filth with renewed purpose.

Linen and lace
Cover my face,
But they are burning.

We set fire to the peaceful smile,
The quiet enjoyment.

We ignited the fuse,
That we didn’t notice
When it called our names

Here,
With you,
I do not seek truth,
nor forgiveness.

I do not seek my lost chastity or body.
I simply seek you.

Our souls marred from the fire,
We do not care what we look like.

For as the linen burns,
As the fuse ignites,
As the trees stir in the wind,
As electricity is generated up in the clouds above,

We simply dance together,

Rhythmic and beautiful,


Even under all these lies.

i’m scared that




love can just



wash out like a stain




freshly imprinted

in the delicate fabric










of time.

It’s hard
Knowing you shared your soul with someone else.
Knowing you offered everything to someone else.

It’s hard
Knowing you looked at her the way you look at me
It’s hard
Knowing you desired her the way I hope you desire me.

It’s hard
Knowing you loved her as much as you love me.
It’s hard
Knowing you looked at pictures of her
And felt the way you do
When you look at pictures of me.


It’s hard
Knowing you appreciated someone
Like you appreciate me.

why didn’t i
say anything


why didn’t i
do anything



please
please
please
i barely see you anymore but please



don’t go
please
i’ll do whatever i can...



you deserve life.



don’t leave,
don’t die
i’m here
even if you lie
i love you—
you are a great friend
don’t leave
don’t leave
don’t leave


now, i just sit here stupidly and wonder





what could have been?

I said it was okay.
I said it was just another stupid delay.

I didn’t tell you


How much I cried that day.

darling,

i



finally feel comfortable with my naked body...








i truly would like you to see.

It has shattered.
It has shattered, but I put it back together.
It should be back together, right?
Right?


So how come it feels more broken than ever?

Life

I don’t need to think too much about living.

Wake up,
Same time,
And I’m going to school again.

Enter the classroom in a daze
Trying to meet your gaze.
But I don’t,
And now,
I can finally say that’s okay.

I live off of calculating what people want me to say.
Laugh when she laughs,
Smile when he smiles.

I make up answers on my school assignments—
I don’t care anymore.

I’m so tired—
Shut the door.

The endless morning comes again—
I don’t want it to drag by.

The weekend loses its impact—
It’s all too saddening anyway.

Because I have to be without you
For a longer day.

I bite back my tears in class.

No, it’s not some ******* hormones.

No, it’s not my ******* age.

I can’t laugh.

I can’t smile.

It hurts too much.

As I sit there,

a    l   o    n   e,

The recurring feeling of intense nausea sweeps over me—
Encapsulating my body,
And completely penetrating me.

Go through the motions—
Get cheered up by my friends.

But when I see you,
The feeling returns again.

I care for you.
I love you and hug you and—




that’s





what makes it




worse.

Go home,
Long day.

Ask how I’m doing,
And it’s the same thing I say.

Stay up till two in the morning—
Watching shows until they’re boring.

Get four hours of sleep,
Repeat the cycle again.

I try to change the cycle.

And sometimes, I do.


But it all just starts back up again.


I wish it was all something I could understand.

It all seems to be getting to my head.


God—


If this is what living feels like,











I’d rather be dead.

Thousands of miles away
Is the one who thinks of you everyday.

Day after day,
I am the one that causes her dismay.

“Goodnight, I love you.”
Is the thing I always say
But I don’t fall asleep,
Nor do I dream.

But I lay there
Lucky to love you
Without a care.

And what’s stopping you
From loving her
When she comes back?

When she dresses up nice and looks you in the eyes and says
“Can you be mine?”

What’s stopping you
From loving her
The way you did before?




What’s stopping you from leaving me

                       when she smiles beautifully?

hey baby,
don’t get yourself down.
it’s okay because
nothing was wrong with me today.

hey darling,
i’m alright!
nothing ever happened to me
last night!

hey honey,
don’t get yourself down ‘cause
nothing ever went down with me.





i’m sorry,
babe it’s nothing,
really.

i remember something strange from last night.

red
soaked into my skin and
flowed through me.

the sound of rouge
was the only thing my ears could hear.

the taste of aka
filled my mouth.

rojo
was the only image that my eyes perceived.

the loving touch of laal
caressed my skin.

but then,
i remember the beautiful image of rouge
twisting
turning
and morphing
into something otherworldly.

suddenly,
the horrid smell of rojo
pervaded my senses and
took hold of my sinuses.

the brutality of laal
scraped deep lines into my skin.

the hot aka
leaked out from the lines,
and
flooded the floor.

and soon
my eyes were blinded by
the curtain of red.


and when i woke up,

i was laying in a pool of rouge.



now, i look back and
try to recall
if it was just a twisted dream
that one sees
before their last scream.

tell me,



what is love?


is it just



empty words and


lost promises?




is it something they say to keep




their girls under control and





to keep them from




leaving?




is it something they say to get their




fill of *** or





is it something with meaning?






i would never show you this because






you’d probably break up with me.

when i am with you, all i feel is safe.

i love it when you hold me, please, do it once more.

i love it when you kiss me—is this the way love tastes?

i love it when you look at me, because your soft gaze seems to encapsulate me.

when you say goodnight, my heart melts.

when i see your face, i finally feel as if i’ve found my place.




life sure as hell ain’t easy,




but it’s a lot better when you’re with me.

Here I lay,
Still in my bed.

Here I lay—
Can’t get up to eat my
Food for the day.

Here I lay,
Seeing it through till the end of the day.


And there I lay,
My eyelids closed
In troubled dismay.

And the more I sleep,
The less I eat,
And the less I dream.




Here I lay,
An empty sack of bones.


They bring me food—
Force it down my throat,
And nothing comes of it.



And they don’t realize that this bag of bones
Is slowly suffocating
And suffering


Under the comfort of the bedsheets.

I wanted to ask--
Have you been burning well?

there’s a knock at your door.
care to answer it?
oh, you didn’t hear it, did you?
oh, that’s okay.

she’s saying hi,
don’t you hear it?
oh, you have headphones on?
that’s fine.

she’s giving you a gift—
do you want to open it?
you didn’t receive it?
ah, i see. that’s fine.


wait, you noticed this whole time?


you opened the door, but she just didn’t say anything?

she said hi, and you waved back, but she just walked away?

you opened the gift, but there were only tears in it?

oh, so you do care about her wellbeing?






oh, so it’s all in her head?

And alas!
The horrid demon has fallen!
And who was the one to slay it?
None other than your own head!

Alas!
You have pulled yourself out of this nightmare and inserted yourself into a new one!
Only in this new nightmare, you cannot die.
Only cry.

While the concept of reality slowly fades into being questionable,
Your screams are the only thing you can hear.

Once everything fades into the background,
A few objects remain.

The shackles on your hands and feet,
And the cloth gag that is bound to your head with a chain—
Like a cursed child’s headband.

The gag seems to press further into your mouth each time you cry,
Slowly sinking down into your throat.

It softly brushes against the opening of your esophagus,
And your reflexes kick in.

You choke,
Your eyes bulging out in terror,
The veins on your face becoming a fiercer blue.
Your cheeks flush,
And a hot,
Miserable bead of sweat trickles down your forehead as you struggle.

Further,
Further.

You sink into eternal madness.

Then,
Someone walks into the nonexistent room.

They have a syringe—
The metal needle shining brightly,
Even though there’s no source of light.



And they walk closer.



And then the needle is a spoon,
And the man is your father.

It’s just your father
Feeding you medicine.

You just fainted.
You know the drill.

The dark room was just the bathroom light turned off.

Same old, same old.

The chains are your leggings at your feet,
Because you couldn’t change out of your clothes completely.

The gag
Was just a suppressed scream before you fainted.


This whole thing



Was just a dream.