I am darkness
Bleeding out
Into nothingness
I am pain
A grimace
A torturous contortion
This portion
Of my psyche
Fractured
I can't see
Repair
Yeah,
Right.
Tonight
My heart
Was ripped apart
I am
Blank
Is this sufficient?
Is it enough to see?
Have I told you enough
About me?

Drip, drip, drip
Hear the the sound
on the ground
as we sit

Drip, drip, drip
Becomes a rattle
to the cattle
as we sit

Rain on the rooftops
a season where it doesn't stop
for days or weeks
like an eternal sleep
in which we're trapped
like rats
or bats
hunted by cats
and men alike
a new *****

one of peace
one from above
A rain of brotherly love
No war
No fighting
Freedom soars
Like lightning

The sound above
brings the call of a dove
olive branch in tow
Though we know
There are those who are still cold
lost their hold
lost control
of the world around them

I think its over sometimes, and then
I hear a sound as we sit
a word sets on my lips
as the rain goes
Drip, drip, drip

I'm writing a letter
And you know why
Dreadful demeanor
In a dastardly disguise
My pain an endeavor
Of your corrupt design
Take hold of my collar
Tear me from the rind
You are beautiful
And tragic
And I still wish
You hadn't left me behind

You knowingly hurt me
That's okay
I understand
I'm hard to live with
Sometimes


But you use her as a weapon
In a one sided war
I have no desire to fight you
A pathetic notion
I'm sure
Because underneath the anger
I just want what we had before

You put in effort
Over the years
To paint an unfair picture
To tweak everyone's ears

I really don't comprehend
Why it's so important
To tell the world I'm terrible
When I want them to know
You're Wonderful

I'm sure you think I hate you
I'm sure you'll never read this
Here's hoping that you do

I forgive you
For everything you've done
Everything you've said
And I apologize
For all the same

Please stop the slander
Please stop the hate
You say i'm a villain
While I think you're great

I feel like I'm trapped
Lost in a prison
With nothing

Nothing

But a vision.

In the dark
I lie awake
Wondering
I see her face
And start pondering
With her
I feel my eyes stop wandering
Sweetly singing
Serendipitous songs
Swaying silkily
Into sleep
Insomnia
It keeps me up
And thinking
The time I'm wasting
My mind is racing
And I can't make it stop

But maybe I don't want to
The wind is whispering
Waiting willfully
Watching, wavering
Wistfully woeful
Yet wonderful

Time is not guaranteed
Life is full of danger
And what ever doesn't **** you
Makes us a little stranger

Its not so bad though....

Every now and then
I need to reflect
So with paper and pen
I have to connect
Myself to a city thats been hurt
For what its worth
I see the hidden beauty
Within her border lines
A city thats lost in time
It's people no different than you or I
They've been beaten and hurt their whole lives
No we can't blame the individual for his crimes
Because they've lost their way in time
So in bitter wretchedness they sulk
In the once beautiful land of oaks
Uniformed men make it so confining
But in every grey cloud theres a silver lining
I do not live there but it helps me think
To watch this city so near the brink
Of destruction
And of dysfunction
I hope this helps in the construction
of a new picture of this place
Of a new world in every face
Just walk around there once, you will not fall
Just admire the youthful art upon the walls
Graffiti they call it
But it is not so
I cannot just sit
As this art is thrown
Aside
Besides
These times
Need these crimes
To bring back the beauty of this city
Steeped in its harshness
My city of darkness
Lost in the timely sands
No this is not merely a poem
But an ode to Oakland

So let me set **** straight
And try to illuminate
The essence of beginning
That you culminate
Nice guy?
Terminate
Erradicate
Attempt to dictate
With no knowledge of my state
At any rate
Sweetheart
You're nothing but a game
That thinks it can play
But hey
Sometimes
Deep down we find
Walking that straight line
Is getting a little crooked
Project your actions on to me
Because that's what I'm meant to be
I'm an example of who not to be
What not to see
Take the key
And open your mind
This world spins faster and faster
Hurling toward disaster

You think you hurt me
But you're just an after thought
You think you're pristine
But you're not.
My heart beats
With one girl in mind
And she isn't you
You look on me with disdain
While I smile
And rhyme away my pain

You had a friend in me
But now you've blown it
You think you know me
But you don't know ****

My temper was even

But

No more Mr. nice Steven

So let your mind dance
Entranced
Enhance your perception
Advance your selection
And
Grasp what you want
Rise
Enticed
And try to be whole
Wander
While wondering
Fondly
Take control
And hold on to life
Because life
Is a wonderous thing
Now think
What does that mean?
That question seems to be
Right now the biggest ******* thing
You know what it means to me
**** it you all mean something to me
Why must we fight
About whats right
And who has the right to live
We know this ****
Move on you *****
We've all mattered all along
The world is always changing
And we must follow suit
Always and ever evolving
Learn from what we've been through
Take a hold of destiny
And write our stories anew
These thoughts of mine
Are strange indeed
I've forgotten where we're going
Oh well
**** it
I'm out.
The rest is not worth knowing

I think of you
Way more than I should,
But in this case;
I have to.
Because my voice
Doesn't do me any good
I wish it could
Oh I wish it would
Wishful thinking
From just an inkling
Of attention from you
I'm a distant guy
Quiet
And shy
But I can't hide
That deep inside
I find
No other has lit my soul
On fire
This desire
I feel is coming to a head
I look ahead
And wonder
My heart drops
Derailed by this dread
I ponder
Your energy
It just...
It brings me to my knees
And I feel weak
Powerless
I can't contain this much longer
With every day
Every word
Every single
Little smile
This feeling grows stronger
At first
I thought
Mere infatuation
But your presence is nuclear
And I bask in your radiation
You're an inspiration
For this dedication
Generations
Could not stop this
War torn
Burned
Scorned
Two souls
Terribly Tormented
To totality
Tediously Traveling
Tempest tossed terror
Just to find
Each other
The air around you
Cold
But inviting
Icy
But not biting
I stand and wait
As my breath abates
Taking in this winter chill
Before my eyes
Flecks of snow
Intricate crystal
A blizzard
Terrifying and blissful
Serene
The only thing that makes sense
But I have to hold back
Patience,
Steven,
Patience......

A pin drops
Sending waves of nothing
Into my cold heart
I grow colder
As I fall apart
The deepening darkness
Drenching me in despair
Drunk and dribbling
Drooling devilishly
Upon the door of doom
Soon, you say
Again
And again
And I wait patiently
Thinking absently
And then....

Cautiously waiting
A cacophony of cries
And a craving carrying
This cornucopia of craziness
I'm callow
Or so they say
Is this my life?
Is this my way?
Kind words
And actions
Melt mere sections
Of this muscle
But so far
It's not enough
And then......

Breathe in my soul
My very essence
Take in my life
My effervescence
I am champagne
Bubbles on the surface
But bitter inside

And then.....

I ask why.....

And then....

I beg to die....

And then....

I say goodbye...

I walk
I walk to get around
I walk and listen to natural sounds
I walk in sunshine
And mostly in twilight
Sometimes the things I see
Seem subliminally superb
And slightly more special
At night
I listen
I listen to the problems
And issues of others
Because I know I've most likely been there
Before
I listen
To ludicrous outcries
And lacivious and lustful Lamentations
Looking listfully luxurious
Our eyes meet
And it passes
I speak
Rarely,
And usually only within my mind
Because I know
Nobody is really interested
In what I have to say
Silently I suffer
Because some have it worse
Most have it better
But that point is moot
Shoot
I've rambled
Rampant revelling
Revealing raucous and ****
Riotous rituals
Relinquishing my radiance
I fade
Into an abyss
Created from my loneliness
I am alone
And some times I feel
It will always be so
I've made mistakes
My mind mauling
My insides
Meticulously melting
My very memory
Merely a moment
In time
I fear
I fear that one day
A chalk line will
Slowly and surely
Produce a vague image if me
An outline
An ode to my sadness
Of course I know it won't
But one can't have this much pain
And not fear these things
It's obscene
The things I say to me
Taught by torment
Tutoring myself in torture
I'm mean
To myself
And no one else
I hear the things I say to me
And shudder to think
The damage my words could cause Another
Music
Sets me free
And alleviates this anger
In allegory allowing the air
To absolve my anguish
Almost
And then.....
I change my train of thought
Too touchy is this subject matter
Or not
But mostly.......

I walk.

Is this real life?
Or is it just another dream
This one is different
This one is powerful
As breathtaking as a miracle
Like a lake
Calm and serene
Is this really what it seems?
Life is confusing
Producing
Curiosity
Reciprocity
Important and given
That smile melting away the madness
Wondrous and willful
Whimsically wearing down my walls
Driving me wild
With it's mild
Wickedness
But I digress
Not sure what this means
Still seems like a dream
But I realize
This is reality
And I'm pretty stoked...

I see her
Shining silently
Across the void
Across the galaxy
Across the universe
System is binary
Though close
To mononova
Honestly glad
The past is over
Mon cour et tien
She says
In her eyes
I know it's true
And patience
Is my strongest virtue
The vastness of space
And still in one place
My heart is moving
Breath taking
Where this journey
Ends I do not know
But I'll make the trek
With a new light
Mi estrella
Mon Etoile nouveau.

You know
It's rare
When I feel like
I like myself
Because every time
I get excited
I get shot down
Crash and burn
And once again
Sadness ignited

You know
It's sad
To think so highly of myself
Only to be told
No
You're not good enough
You're too nice
Too mean
To distant
To clingy
So quiet
But oh so annoying
It's rough

You know
It's not easy
Having these conflicts
Deep inside
They never subside
Knowing what I want to say
But also knowing
I have no right to speak
But in my mind
I just can't hide
From you

You know
Your presence alone
Can lift me up
Out of this prison
In which I lock myself
Of course this is something
I can't tell you at present
So I suffer silently
So sure I was
Of this serendipity
I was wrong
Now an epitome
Of stupidity
I close my lips

You know
I don't know
What the future holds
I've spent so much time
On my own
My heart is screaming
For someone to hold
But alas
It seems I'll always be alone...

I have a question
For my friends
Of single perspective
I've been pensive
And holding my thoughts
To my chest
Always neglected
I'm not even second best
If I had the choice
I'd raise my voice
And scream up to the heavens
Why am I not good enough?
Why do I
Get left behind
Like some forgotten toy
Am I meant to constantly
Be ignored?
Ripped up?
Thrown away?
Destroyed?
What's so wrong with me?
I think I'm ugly
And 15 people disagree
And of those 15 people
Not a one would actually
spend time with me
Then I think
It's gotta be my teeth right?
But no,
Because I've seen them with worse
So is it my personality?
Yeah I have issues
But most of them I deal with on my own
Am I too quiet?
Too shy?
Is that why I'm always alone?
**** man
I just don't know any more
Maybe I'm just bore
No
that's not the case
Maybe my time is just fun to waste
God this feeling has me on the floor
I'm screaming
To my ceiling
What the **** did you tell me you liked me for??

It's late
Or early
Depending on
Your perspective
Not doing great
A little too lonely
Reflecting on
My prerogative
Tranquility
Eluding
Me
Serenity
Exuding
See?
I'm a comet
Falling from the stars
But the ground is far
I'm coming in hot
This impact is going to be hard
Boom
Splat
Oh
What?
A little too dark?
Some times I can't believe
The **** that happens to me
The more I get hurt
The funnier it becomes
This hilarity
It's scaring me
I can't tell if this is real
I'm not sure
But I think.....
.....
I think I'm forgetting how to feel.

Trying to race my mind
It usually wins
My pain comes alive
And so it begins

I'm thinking
Wanna be drinking
Sinking
With an inkling
Of what comes next
I'm flying
And dying
Don't like me?
*******
You're lying
So keep trying
To produce that copious shade

I'm frustrated
Recreated
Into the fray
I'll navigate it
Swipe here
A slash there
I'll gravitate
****
A wink here
The charm there
I radiate it
I always get what I want
Can't negotiate it

I want to live my life
Like the ones in the movies
And I start to think
My life's a parody
Of a tragedy
Deepening my grief

But I'm still alive...

My mind is electric
Eclectic
Thinking about nothing
Reacting
Redacting
Thoughts that are unpleasant
I am awake
But wishing to go to sleep
I am alive
And running from this herd of sheep
Do you know
Where we can go from here?
Can see
What we are to be
Locked in
And shackled by our fear?
Break away
And claim
Your everlasting gleam
Frolic fondly, fantasizing
Faintly while forgetting yourself
In a dream
I know
This one
It's pretty deep
Good night reader
Im going to sleep...

Who am I?
What have I become?
No solace in solitude
Solidifying my sadness
In singular significance
Silently stewing somberly
In sorrow
What can be done?
Your brilliance is overwhelming
Tearing and gnashing
At the corners of my mind
Your radiance and energy
Over charges my eyes
So much so
That I feel blind
And I can't unwind
Heart strings
Concentrically coiled
Around your fingers
Every step
Every word
Every noticed common interest
Highlighting compatibility
From now into infinity
Intrinsically
You pull those strings
Bringing me closer
Yet so far away
SLAM!
Rip and shred
My heart yanked from my chest
Knocking me breathless
A gut punch
Too high to jump
Too low to duck
My brain creates
Images of competition
And I'm losing.......
Who am I?
What have I become?
What is this?
And what can be done?

Just blink
When you think
You're on the brink
Trying not to sink
To the bottom of the drink
Kick the bottom
And breach the surface
Forget the silence
Find your purpose
And shout it to the sky
Ask it why
And realize
Walk away
Take a drink
No time to sink
I'm on the brink
The pain makes me think
But it goes away for a while
If i blink...

Some times I wonder
Some times I think
Some times I ponder
Am I on the brink?
It seems so simple
But is it really?
A heart is delicate
And mines the epitome
It's barely holding together
In a messed up jury rigged state
Made presentable
With safety pins
And a lot of tape
When ever I start to feel
The way she makes me
I think is this real?
'cause it feels like a dream

I want to know
What makes her tick
I want to know
What makes her sick
Somebody better check me
Quick

I'm catching feels
And I can't catch my breath
My heart thumps
And I reel

Feeling feathery
Frightfully fearing
While furiously fighting
Figuratively of course....
This finesse at finding
Fiery finality

Kind of makes me hesitate
So commiserate
Emancipate
And resuscitate
Let's conversate
And enjoy the ride

This is a verse for George
This is a poem for Philando
This is a memory of Oscar
Continuing the fight for Malcolm
Venerating the wisdom of Martin
This is a call to action
Even if just a fraction
Causes this cause to gain traction
For people tired of the inaction
The people have spoken
And decades have passed
Nothing has changed
Protesters still getting gassed
With years behind them
Trying to stay quiet
One ******
Two murders
A thousand
It's no surprise
That this protest is now a riot
Flames flitting in and out of frame
Guns glinting
as bootlickers offer more of the same
Tin badges holding themselves
As above the rest of us
I scream in disgust
What gives you the right
To ****** my neighbors?
What gives you the right
To brutalize my friends?
These fires ignite a memory
And makes me sing
Noting the similarity
To Martin,
and also Rodney king
I'll stop now
My angry rambling
I'll leave you with a quote
Most would think
It was said by Malcolm
But it was said by Dr. King
It's not absurd
He said it
"A riot is the language of the unheard"
That is the wisdom of Martin
That's why we continue to fight for Malcolm
That's why I remember Oscar
I wrote this poem for Philando
I wrote this verse for George

Thump thump
Bump bump
My head is ******* me up
Take this life
Leave it in dust
Trust
This fear
This anxiety
Got me losing touch
With reality
Ring ring
Swing swing
Wanna know something?
Ask me
Im tired
But inspired
I keep reaching higher
But im too ******* short
Living life against the grain
The sweet **** so seductively smooth
But the pain
The pain is oh so coarse
But i keeping falling into that same gravity
That driving force
Take me away
I scream to the sky
Scarred and scared
Solemnly suited
For silent slumber
Rife with strife
I find my life
Is not where i want it to be

"But im getting there ......."

It's a small world
This i know
Its a small world
Where should we go
The earth is spinning
Let it go
Faster we're sinning
How can we grow
The stone is rolling
This is so
No moss expanding
But the river flows
Mountainous peaks above
With valleys down below
Life lingers listlessly
Lamenting in a hollow
Violence in baltimore
A hard pill to swallow
****** of innocents
Loss of innocence
The thunder rolls
A monsoon of mayhem
Malicious and malcontent
Answer this question
Is it worth our sacrament?
You never know who you'll meet
When you jump
Or just plain fall
Because its a small world
After all

Smile for me
Can you do that?
Smile again
Yes I like that
When you smile
I feel my knees begin
To bend
And send
An image through my mind
Weakness
And circumstance
Make you seem so far away
And hey
I'm used to it
But it doesn't mean
It doesn't hurt
A hope to be understood
In the end
I guess I'm just no good

Another story
sad and lonely
My life is chaos
Spinning out of control
There was only one person
Who has the power to hold
To calm this storm raging within
My family offers little comfort
Without you
I realize my mind is broken
Was broken long ago
Then in to my life walked you
Holding that tube
Of gorilla glue
You pieced me back together.
Now you're gone....

I know I'm not perfect
And I've never
Endeavored
To be

What do I do....

I'm so ******* lost without you.

My life is a pit
Of pity
And self loathing
So much so
I constantly fall
For wolves
In sheep's clothing
My mind is mirror
Cracked upon it's surface
Living in constant fear or
Numb
More or less
My heart is sand
Ground into dust
Feeling so bland
With no one I can trust
Or at least that's how it seems

My will is vibranium
Strong and indestructible
Absorbent
And so invulnerable
I rise
Ready
To meet my fate
As once again I gaze
Into the face
Of heartbreak

I'm often sad
It's really bad
It's like my brain attacks me
Whenever I feel content
It's like my soul just smacks me
Leading me to contempt
Curled up in the corner
Contemplating counterproductive
Concepts
crippling me to my core
What a bore
She says
Yawning in indifference
Emotionless
In violent inference

After all this *******
I turn and ask you
Why?
How?
And
What the **** do I do now?

Trickling slowly
Back to the front of my mind
This sadness erupts
Tearing my mind apart
So painful it cuts
My already Fractured heart
How do I live?
How do I continue?
What do I do!?

Nothing....

There's nothing I can do
Every time
I try to find
Any sign
To free my mind
But I'm out of time...

Dreaming of a place
Where tears don't stain my face
Where every hello
Is a forced courtesy
How does one cope
When his job is to make people happy
But inside
No happiness resides...

My soul is tortured
Beaten
Bruised
And broken
And all of the words I've spoken
Are unheard
Worse
They are ignored

I am ignored

I am pain.