Isang pinto ang nasa aking harapan.

Pintong gawa sa kahoy. Limang tao ang lapad ng pinto, at dalawan' tao ang taas nito. Dahan-dahan 'kong hinawakan ang nakausling parte.

Hinila ko. Ang bigat.

Isang engrandeng *ballroom ang itinatago ng pintong aking pinasok. Ang una talagang mapapansin ay ang magarang wallpaper na yumayakap sa pader. Sa pinakaharap, may hagdanan na tila hari't reyna lang ang maaring gumamit. Sa bawat dulo ng hagdanan, may mga nakapatong na gintong mga dekorasyon- mga anghel at mga hayop na makikita lamang sa panaginip. Pero, mapapatingala ka talaga sa larawan ng Diyos at mga anghel na sumasakop sa buong kaitaasan ng ballroom.

Ang amoy naman, amoy ng mamahaling pagkain.
May mga lamesa at mga plato para sa mga nais kumain

Ang unang yapak ko sa loob ay sinalubong ng mga tingin mula sa mga tao sa loob. Lahat sila'y magkamukha...

magkakambal kaya?

Nilapitan ako ng waiter. May dala-dalang alak.
"Ser, gusto niyo po ba ng-"
"Bakit magkamukha kayong lahat dito?"
Lumabas lang ang mga salita sa aking bibig. Di na ako nakapaghintay.

"Ah... ser, kung gusto niyo po ang kasagutan sa tanong niyo, sigurado akong may makakapagpaliwanag sayo nang mas maayos."

At sabay siyang umalis.

Inikot ko ang ballroom. Kinausap ko ang mga tao. May mga sumasayaw, may mga kumakanta, at mayroon pang mini magic show. May mga nakabarong, iba nama'y naka tuxedo.

Naging masaya ang mga usapan, hanggang itinanong ko ang tanong ukol sa kanilang pagiging magkamukha. Pinapasa-pasa lang nila ang tanong sa mga ibang nasa ballroom. Ika nga, "hindi nila mapapaliwanag nang mabuti."

Ano naman ang napakakumplikadong paliwanag na ito?

Lahat ba, naitanong ko na?

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata. May nakita akong nag-iisa sa dulo ng kwarto. Mukhang matalino. Nilapitan ko.

"Sarap ng pagkain."

Binigyan niya 'ko ng tingin ng pagkagulat.

Makalipas ang ilang segundo, nagsalita na rin siya.

"Ganyan ka ba talaga nagsisimula ng isang conversation?"

"Di eh. Pero masarap naman talaga. Kinailangan ko lang ilabas ang matinding damdamin ko para sa handa."

Tawanan. Pero desperado na 'ko. Gusto ko nang malaman kung bakit.

"Bakit magkamukha kayong lahat dito?"

"Ah.... ikaw ay tulog ngayon. Nananaginip ka lang. Ang bawat tao rito'y indibidwal na parte ng iyong sarili. Ang iba't-iba **** personalidad, nag anyong-tao."

"Ha?"
Ginagago ako nito, ah.

"Subukan '**** kurutin ang 'yong sarili. Di siya masakit, di ba?"

Tiningnan ko ang braso ko. Kinurot ko, yung masakit talaga.

Wala akong naramdaman.

"Gets? Ako ang parteng nais tumulong sa iba, sa kapwa-tao."

".... Maniniwala muna ako sayo, ngayon. Pero, ibig sabihin ba'y ang lahat ng personalidad ko'y pantay-pantay?"

"Hindi. Ang mga taong nasa itaas ng hagdan, sila ang pinakamalalaking parte ng 'yong sarili. Kaya sila ang mga pinakamakapangyarihan dito sa ballroom."

"At pwede akong umakyat doon?"
Gusto kong umakyat.

"Handa ka bang tanggapin ang iyong sarili? Pa'no kung puro mamamatay-tao pala ang mga nasa itaas? O magnanakaw? O sinungaling?"

"Edi ok, tanggap ko naman na di ako perpekto."

Pero sa isipan ko, natakot ako. Nakakatakot makita ang mga masasamang parte ng sarili mo, na naging sarili niyang tao.

"Edi umakyat ka. Panaginip mo 'to. 'Di akin."

"Sige, salamat pare."

"Geh."

Inakala ko na ang huli niyang sasabihin ay may relasyon sa pag-iingat, o pagkukumbinsi na 'wag na 'kong umakyat. Pero dahil sa isang "geh" na sagot niya, nahalata 'kong wala na akong makukuhang impormasyon kung di ako aakyat.

Nasa harap na ako ng hagdanan. Kung nakatayo ka pala rito, parang nakatitig ang mga gintong dekorasyon sa 'yo.

Isa-isa kong inakyat ang mga hagdan, at sa taas, may nakita akong apat na tao.
  
Yung tatlo, nakikinig at tumatawa sa biro ng isa.

"Hi...?"
Wala naman akong ibang masabi, e.

Bigla silang tumahimik at napatingin sa 'kin.
Alam na siguro nila kung sino ako, dahil nilapitan nila ako at nakipag-kamay.

"Alam mo na ba ang lugar na ito? May nagsabi na ba sa 'yo?"

"Oo. Sabi sa 'kin ng isa na kayo raw ang mga pinakamalaking parte ng aking personalidad."

"AHHH! Mali siya! Nasa impiyerno ka na ngayon. Masama ka kasi eh."

Napatingin lang ako sa kanya.

"Joke lang, 'wag naman masyadong seryoso. Edi madali na lang pala! Sige, pakilala tayo!"
Ngumiti naman ang apat.

Nauna yung tatlo.

"Ako ang parte **** responsable. Alam mo ang mga responsibilidad mo, at maaga mo tinatapos."

Wow. Responsable pala ako.

Ang pangalawa.
"Ako naman ang parte **** madasalin. Malakas ang tiwala mo sa Diyos, kaya mahilig ka magdasal."
Grabe, banal pala ako?

Ang pangatlo.
"Ako naman ang parte **** mahilig sa sports. Mapa-boxing man o swimming, o basketball. Lagi kang handa."
Parang yung bodybuilder ko lang na klasmeyt ah. Napatawa ako.

At ang pang-apat, at ang lider:
"Ako ang parte ng sarili mo na nais makatulong sa ibang tao. Handa kang magpatawa kung kailangan, pero kaya mo naman ring magseryoso. 'Di ka nang-iiwan. Tunay kang kaibigan."

Pero yung tao kanina yung nais makatulong sa ibang tao.... baka ito yung sinungaling. Bahala na.


"Kayo ang pinakamalaki? Natutuwa naman ako."
Nagtawanan lahat.

"Pero may isa pa. Ang pinakamalaki talaga sa lahat."

"Saan?"
Saan nga ba talaga?

"Dito. Halika. Bago ka magising. Para makilala mo."

Pumunta yung pang-apat sa isang dulo ng kwarto. May pinindot siya. May maliit na butas na nagpakita sa pader. Madilim. Nahirapan akong pumasok. 'Di na sumunod ang apat.

Sa gitna ng kwarto, may isang tao. Isa. Nag-iisa, kasama ng mga libro at papel.

"Ikaw ang pinakamalaking parte?"

Tumingin lang siya sa 'kin.

"Ikaw ba talaga? Ano naman sinisimbolo mo?"

"Ako ang katahimikan. Ang katahimikan sa iyong loob. Matatag ang puso mo, at kahit marami kang kinakatakutan, hindi ito nagiging hadlang sa 'yo. Ako ang nagbibigay buhay at enerhiya sa lahat ng mga personalidad mo."

*At ako'y napatahimik. Katahimikan pala ang pinakamalaking parte.

she was the right girl.
those one in a million catches
those who would stay up with him
no, for him
in those nights where sleep wasn't on his side.

it's still amazing
because they didn't exactly complement each other
but their individualities were so boundlessly powerful
that they managed to draw closer, somehow, some way.

but it was the wrong time.
he was still an immature boy
who took for granted
the gem in front of him
and continued searching for the little things
that should have never mattered at all.

and now, as they have turned
from friends to mere strangers
he regrets it
as he recalls their conversations
their moments
he holds them close to his heart
and remembers them as he writes down this poem.

When I was a little boy biking through the lush greeneries of our local park,
I fell down and scraped my knee.
Tears in my eyes, with blood coming out of the tear on my leg, I came to my parents.
Their reaction at first was what I had expected. Shock and fear for their son’s well-being came to their faces, but after realizing I was mostly okay, they uttered a line I still remember quite clearly.

It went like this:

“At least it’s just a scratch.”

And so with that began a life of “at leasts” and compromise.

“At least you passed the test”
“At least you made it on time”
“At least you were only late to the first 30 minutes of the movie”
“At least you were able to cram your homework”
“At least you managed, somehow, some way”
“At least you didn’t die”
“At least you were given part of what you wanted”

Part of what I wanted.


Now, I’ve grown wise enough to know that you aren’t always going
To attain or achieve everything you desire.
But when life always sells you short, you lose hope

But the most cruel "at least" that life decided to bestow upon me was...

“At least…. You met her.”

Yup.

The compromise was I couldn’t have her
I couldn’t make her my home
Because she was never there to stay.
“At least, you met her”

It was a tragedy
But a part of her will always remain
Because that part of her, no matter how small
Somehow changed something in me-
And, dear god, I hope it’s for the better.

looking at my arms and legs
they were never really
the length i'd hoped
they'd grow.

struggle
always seemed to come out
of this predicament

but
I had family.
A family of giants
who could all,
individually,
catch fish with ease
or pick the freshest fruit from the highest tree.

they never forgot,
though, about their dwarf
of a brother-
they protected me
like I was one of their own.

they loved me, and i loved them back.

most of the time, anyways
i can't blame them
for mistakenly
stepping on a dwarf's pride
self-worth
self-confidence
because a dwarf could never really
assert his presence as well.

where would i be without them, the giants?
where would i be without them?
without them?
i'm nothing.

you were my daylight.

i was a mere infant
who, at the crack of dawn
of his very first day outside the womb,
immediately, stupidly fell in love
with the warmth the daylight provided
and abandoned fear and doubt
in the presence of the light it shone.

sadly, though
that was short-lived
as i learned more about the daylight.

fact number one
the daylight shines upon every single one
there is no such thing as favoritism
and thus
you must never, EVER
think you're special

fact number two
the daylight can burn you
spend too much time basking in its light
and the feeling's comparable to
a moth burned by the very flame
that it is helplessly drawn to.

as i gathered more facts
i soon realized that dusk was soon approaching
but i never wanted to lose this feeling.

but, as all things go,
powerless against the constant flow of time,
desperately crying, screaming
for my daylight not to go away

it just left.

i wonder what new things dusk can bring.
interesting

everything was in its place in my nightly ritual
my room enveloped me with a feeling of security
i had episodes of my favorite show, ready to be played
and my favorite midnight treats all in a bucket

a well-deserved break from negativity, in the safety of my house
but i still felt empty.

see, the only way for me to really feel at home is to
open my closet, reach in its darkest corner
and grab for my only memory of you- a sweater
that's obviously seen better days
but it had your smell, your warmth
and finally, as i wrapped it around me,
i felt relieved.

and that's a problem.

it's been 240 days

and, almost each of those
i spent talking to you
or even with you, at times

240 days
in those days
i gave you parts of myself
more than i had ever given anyone else
but now it seems
it was way more than what you deserved

240 days
and while you held
parts of me in your hands,
you never really realized
how lucky you were to have those

240 days
and you still can't give back
not even love in the romantic sense, no
but what i wanted the most
your trust

240 days
and in those, admittedly,
you've brought me to great highs
but most of the time
sunk me beyond reach of anyone else
and walked away as i wallowed
in my own despair

it's day 241
and i realized i had been
watering a garden in hopes
something would bloom
but now i see how this garden
only has dead plants in it

you were a cactus
you were beautiful in your own way
but when i got close and embraced you
you stabbed me, but i patiently waited
as i bled

but maybe, just maybe, i know better now
maybe there are other plants
actually worth my time.

i know you.*

i know how you looked at me the first time our eyes met
"what the hell does this guy want from me?"

i know you.

i know how what they called the "devil's hour" never feels like it because of your fruitless attempts to suppress your laughter when we're on the phone

i know you.

i know how happiness fills me when your fingers fill the gap in mine, or when your warmth permeates my very being.

and now i know how one letter can make *one heck of a difference

*i knew you.

never was i
going to be held by the throat
ever again,
played with a leash
like a mindless dog

i was wiser than that

but son, when love strikes
your supposed wisdom is met
and negated by
a dash of crazy
a hint of impulse
that, dear, oh dear
lead to
a multitude of reckless decisions.

but maybe that's the way
life's meant to be lived

take a risk

i sit here
flooded by the silence
as it penetrates through my skin
and reaches the far depths
of my very being

i sit here
disturbed by the rallying cries
of my innermost thoughts
i've kept hidden
since time immemorial

i sit here
as my realizations come to me
each bringing its own kind of pain
like needles of different sizes
pricking each layer of my skin one by one

i sit here
embracing the torment each one provides with open arms
and for once, i bask in these emotions
these feelings that had been haunting me
instead of distracting myself just to run away from them

i sit here
at first gently breaking the silence
with the sound of my own breath, speeding up
then my voicee exploding- letting my feelings be known
to the empty void around me

i sit here
finally happy, content
because in those short, fleeting moments
i didn't have to pretend to be numb
to all the pains in my life

You are an entity never meant to be bound to anyone or anything on this planet.

You were made to be free to accomplish feats not yet even recognized by man as possible.

And so, since I understand this now, these are what I *will and will not be.

1. No, I will not be your guard dog.

I will not investigate your every move, or gather information on the people that surround you. I will not tell you to not let yourself get influenced by these people, or stay away from these people, or to bond with these people. I believe in your ability to learn from your experiences with human beings- because these beings are infinitely complex and come in all shapes in sizes

2. No, I will not be your parent.

I won’t get mad if you come home at 4am, completely drunk off liquor, strobe lights and whatever the DJ’s playing. I won’t get worried if you aren’t answering your phone when you’re with your friends. I genuinely swear not to give you the parent-like reprimands you’ve heard enough of from your parents

3. No, I will not be your local priest.

I won’t condemn you for everything you have done. I won’t judge you for the mistakes you’ve made. I won’t blame you for being you- and not believing in the Ten Commandments, or questioning the scientific proof behind the Creation Story.

I will not hold you back. Live your life the way you want to live it, because you are limitless.

But yes, I will be your home.

I will welcome you home with a smile and open arms. I will take care of you when you’re down with a fever, or when you’ve had just too much to drink. I’ll listen to your stories and rants about your experiences and what you’ve learned. I’ll make you the best “hangover recovery” breakfast you’ve ever had in your whole life. I’ll gently brush your hair, and tell you you’re the most beautiful person in existence, inside and out.

I will be your resting place.

*I will accept you, and I will love you. Come home.

what if i told you
that getting hurt
wasn't necessarily a bad thing?

people.
people you
care the most about...
they can bring you the most pain.

but i know what you're thinking.
i have tried it before.
i attempted to seal away
my humanity and emotions
and become an empty shell
of what i used to be.

it hurts even more.

so open yourself up.
leave yourself vulnerable
to the possibility of being hurt by others
because this seemingly negative thing
is not so bad-
after all, there
are still amazing people
in this world.

when i looked at what i had been writing
i came to the realization that
i had been trying, so desperately
to mask my insecurities and trials
with sweet poetry and prose

why do i still try to hide
what i feel, on this anonymous poetry account

this hiding has gone far beyond just the reaches of the internet
it has pervaded into each sector of my life

i. i hide from myself

i fool myself with forced optimism
and the mentality that
my wounds are nothing but shallow scratches
that, if it can't be healed with time, then
it can be healed with adjustment and moving on

ii. i hide from others

i pretend, that they, too are fooled
by my obvious act
as i push everyone away
with lies of
"i'm fine" and "i'm okay"

why can't i come out of hiding

her eyes glistened
as she stared blankly
and trod upon
the fine line between
her imaginative world and her reality.

as she realized that
the life people think she's living
and her reality
couldn't be farther apart
a tear rolled down her cheek
followed by another.
and another. and another.

This girl, was the one I tried to love.

I tried to love a girl
that seemed to simply
need guidance and support

but little did i know
she was a void
that longed for care
but was never satisfied
with what she had.

I gave my all. I really did.

i gave my all
but as she gently nodded
and pretended to be fine,
she looked the other way
and began sobbing
lying in wait of someone who
could actually help her.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't be the elixir
for the problems that kept you up at night

I couldn't be sufficient

I couldn't be your **messiah.

but maybe
as he ponders upon the poem he just wrote
and takes another sip from his now-cold coffee
he knew she really was the right girl for him
but was he the right girl for her?
or did she deserve more than he could ever have possibly given?

who was there for you
when the voices in your head
wouldn't grant you access
to the land of dreams?

desperately screaming,
in your head,
your thoughts needed
a new home, besides your own mind

i was there
were they?