3 a.m. has found me again.

I wake, startled, for the fourth time this week, the nightmare played out behind my eyes already fading from my mind. I can still feel its presence, like fog it lingers.

I have fist fulls of sheets as I lie on my back, my eyes closed. I focus all of my energy on catching my breath. I am an anchor in my dark sea of thoughts, unable to move.
Sinking, sinking...  I am drowning.

Then my husband stirs next to me.

I look at him to my left, his back towards me, fixated by his messy brown hair. I feel my heartbeat slow, my mind calm. Suddenly he is all I can see.

After a moment of hesitation, I turn towards him and reach around and touch my cold hand against his stomach. In his sleepy state, he grabs my hand and moves closer to me.

I feel the fog begin to subside, overcome by the light that is sleeping next to me. I can breathe again.

My heart I give to you, my heart is yours.
It's bruised and it's scarred, sometimes it's ugly and it's torn. But it's stronger than it was yesterday or last week or a year ago. It's stronger and it beats for only you.
My heart is in your hands, my heart belongs to you.
My heart's never felt so safe, my heart has never been so happy. I'm so content; No feeling compares. My heart is happy and beats only for you.
My heart I give to you, all the pieces that it is.
You deserve the best and so for you, that's what I'll be. If youll let me, I'll keep your heart and guard it, let it beat in time with my own. I'll take good care of your heart I swear,  like you've always done with mine.

I'm falling through
there's nothing left to do.
I'm falling through,
I'm missing you,
I remember you,
And everything you do.
My shattered memories fade,
I lost myself somewhere between the lonely days.
I'm falling through,
Like I fell for you.
My love for you was all in vain,
I hear your name and I feel the pain.
You dig into my skin,
like mortal sin.

I slip away...
I slip away...

I'm falling through,
I'm missing you,
But where are you?
And in that moment,
with me listening to the sound of your breathing,
time slowed and it became my favorite moment of utter peace.

*please read my note

be bold
take a chance
even if it's
r e c k l e s s

be careful
play it safe
even if you're
r e s t l e s s

follow your heart
trust your instinct
it doesn't matter if you're
m i n d l e s s

listen to your mind
always think twice
it doesn't matter if you're
h e a r t l e s s

chase your dreams
always work hard
in the end it won't be
p o i n t l e s s

be who you are
no matter who that is
don't let yourself be
l i f e l e s s

The date that marks another month
came and went before I had a chance
to dwell on it.

You're already fading,
already disappearing
from my mind.

One day you will fade away completely,
only a memory
and no longer a heartache.

Well darling I wish you would stay,
please never stop haunting me
in this bittersweet way.

Because I'd rather have this heartache
than let you fade away and
become nothing but a shadowed memory.

the strings
that are my mind
are coming undone
without you
here.
fraying at the edges
slipping between
my fingers,
try as i might
to grip them.
there's no hope
for me,
my strings are
coming undone
just like
yours did.

My demons don't like
the food that I eat.
They taunt me, sending me
running to the bathroom in defeat.

You are not worthy, they say
as I bow at their request.
That food was no good.
now the toilet bowl is my only rest.

My heart breaks, slowly
and pained tears begin to fall.
I have nothing left to give, I say,
I've already given you my all.

I stand and try without success
to wipe my steady tears away.
Looking in the mirror at my swollen eyes
I remind myself tomorrow is a new day.

my mind no longer lingers on
my memories of you
my eyes no longer search for yours
and their shade of blue

my stomach no longer turns
when I remember that you're gone
my heart no longer breaks
when I remember I need to move on

I know I'll always miss you
and I'll still have bad days
but although I'm not doing great
I'm finally *okay

I try to put on a front that
I'm okay,
but what they don't know is that
the image of you with a gun in your mouth
has never left my mind.
It haunts me, making sleeping difficult
and waking impossible.
While the days go by, I appear to be
more and more okay,
when in reality your absence is making me
weaker
and weaker.

i'm sorry i wasn't here before,
i'm so sorry that i failed you.
i'm sorry that the forty minute drive
used to terrify me
and now i come see you all the time.
i should have made the drive when
you were still alive,
i should have been here when
you needed me.
here i am now though,
here i am to see you,
your name sticking out of the ground.
i'm not going anywhere.
i'm
here now.

You didn't care much for Easter
or for flowers for that matter
yet I went to the store and bought
a bouquet of pink and yellow tulips.

Now here I stand in the midday sun
my shaking fingers clutching the long green stems,
as a warm, slow tear drips off my chin.
I kneel down and set the flowers down next to the temporary sign that holds your name,
wondering again why I even bothered.

I grab a handful of the dirt that now hugs your body and cringe at the thought of you laying just feet below me.
I can't help but wish that you were here.

you were like whiskey

making me feel so alive

killing me slowly

you were a butterfly
so beautiful and fragile
and strong in your own way
but you could not see your own beauty

I don't want to

age without you
go on without you
live without you

I don't want the seasons to change and the flowers to bloom without you
I only wish I had let you know that before you left forever

On that brisk November Saturday afternoon, did you know I would respond to your text as I left work? you'd only sent a few hours ago, but I was already too late.

Did you know that when I got home, sat on the couch, and browsed facebook, the color in my face would drain as I recieved the news? A vague status about praying for your family made my brows furrow with confusion.

Did you know that I would check the details multiple times, looking for something to tell me it wasn't true? I would wait for someone to tell me it was just a misunderstanding.

Did you know I would wait around for your name to show up on my phone, like it did everyday? Out of instinct I would check my phone every few minutes waiting for your repsonse, my fingers aching when I realized it would never come.

Did you know that would be the longest night of my life? Between crying and screaming your name and talking to our friends on the phone, I would be up all night until the sun rose.

Did you know I would get blamed? That's probably what you wanted.

Did you know that your mother and father would stand at your feet, hugging each person who came to see you? They clung to every single person with what little strength they had left.

Did you know that looking down at your lifeless body would make my hands quiver and my stomach turn? There was so much pain it was almost like feeling entirely numb.

Did you know that the blue flannel you would wear would cover up your butterfly tattoo? The one you got for me. I wanted to see it one more time.

Did you know how I would long to reach out and touch your scruffy face, just one last time? And did you know that as I turned and walked away, my knees would give out and I would collapse, needing picked up off the floor.

Did you know that Batman would show up, long enough to make an appearance and leave? He came and made his appearance known, standing up front talking to your parents. Then he turned and walked out.

Did you know that as they sat your body there to be put in the ground, I would run to you? my feet beyond my control, hitting the cold hard ground fast. Every inch of my insides screamed "No" as warm tears fell off my chin.

Did you know that night would be my first time drunk? I drank to minimize the pain I couldn't run away from.

Did you know every month between then and now would go by in a blur? The only thing I can remember is the panic attacks that overcome me at any given time.

Did you know that I would blame myself?

Did you think this through at all before going through with it? I have to believe that if you knew these things you wouldn't have done what you did, because I have to believe that you loved me like you said you did. you never would have left me here to pick up the pieces like this.

Chemistry and Timing have been enemies since before time began
Chemistry pushed us together, while Timing dragged us apart, for he had another plan.
But it was Fate that ended the war once and for all
Fate stepped in and it was the beginning of your downfall.

She stepped in among us, making her presence known,
she stood tall and proud, not a hint of pity shown.
As she sauntered towards you, a determined look in her eyes
that's when the horror struck me as I began to realize.

She wrapped her slender fingers around your wrist and began to walk away
and you walked off with her, although I begged you to stay.
You showed no sign of sorrow and you didn't look back,
and you didn't even see me fall to my knees crying, as my heart began to crack.

Yes, it was Fate that ended the war for good.
She took you away from me like you always knew she would.
I knew you and I weren't forever, but I never expected our story to end so abruptly.
I laid on the groud, helpless, and whispered your name softly.

Now I stand at your grave, and weep as my eyes fall on your name.
My heart aches and my chest is heavy from the untolerable pain.
I fall to my knees once more as the warm tears steadily fall,
Chemistry and Timing stand with me, defeated and broken.
Fate has won this war, Fate has crushed us all.

Chemistry was cheering us on,
but Timing was fighting against us.
I could always hear Chemistry yelling our names,
but Timing was making it rough.
Chemistry was on our side,
trying to help us win that war.
She fought long and hard and never gave up,
but truth was we needed Timing more.

Timing cheered when we lost,
he would not let us forget.
Chemistry held us close,
she whispered "this isn't over yet."
So now we sit and we wait,
wondering what happens next.
Because Chemistry is sitting ready,
Timing will be put to the test.

Angry at the moon
for watching you take your life
and not stopping you.